Deathly
By Rei Kinneas
Rated R
Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi, Kodansha, Toei Animation, and countless others. The point is, it's not mine, and probably never will be, no matter how much I wish for it.
'Deathly' was written and performed by Aimee Mann. I thank her for inspiring me.
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Usagi opened her eyes to the gray pre-dawn light filtering through her window. She stared at her ceiling, unwilling to move, but unable to fall back asleep. She remembered a time when she had been able to sleep for long hours on end, sometimes even into the early afternoon, and her sleep would be filled with pleasant dreams of light-hearted things.
Those nights (and days) seemed like a different world now.
She sat up a bit, careful not to disturb Luna. Luna would probably drop dead from shock if she saw Usagi up this early, and even though she had a tendency to nag, Usagi still loved her and didn't want her to die. Besides, if Luna didn't die, there would be questions of 'why' and 'how', and those were questions that Usagi was unwilling to answer.
The light in her window was slowly fading from gray to pale orange. The clock on her bedside table informed her that she still had an hour and a half before she had to pretend to be asleep while her alarm went off. She sighed and carefully swung her legs onto the floor. She couldn't do it this morning. Just for once she wanted to dispense with the silly charade of the past two months. She would think of some excuse for Luna by the time she got home in the afternoon, but for now, the walls, real and invisible, around her were stifling. She needed to get out. She dressed quietly in her winter uniform. They were still allowed to wear their summer uniforms, but she chose not to. Well, it -was- getting chillier outside.
She left a note for her mother - she'd have to make an excuse for her too - and walked out of the door. She didn't have a destination in mind, but she had two hours before she had to be at school. Usagi wandered.
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Mamoru sat on his balcony, shirtless and drinking a cup of black coffee, watching the sun rise. It wasn't easy to watch a sunrise between the high rises of the Azabu district, but somehow he managed. Mamoru did this every morning. He watched the familiar people go by on the streets below him. There was the man with the dog, and the woman jogger, and the old lady with the orthopedic shoes. He saw the same people every morning. Not many people awoke this early in Tokyo.
When he first saw the blonde Odangos below him, he thought, absurdly That style is becoming popular because of Sailor Moon. It wasn't until he looked closer that he realized it wasn't just any blonde with Odangos. It was his Odango Atama. That was really the absurd thing. For one thing, the odangos weren't bouncing. Neither were they drooping. They just were. The idea was so foreign to Mamoru that he almost dismissed her as a random blonde who just happened to be wearing her hair in Odangos again. Right, he thought. Just a random girl with blonde odangos in a Juuban Junior High uniform. Not likely, pal. But the person below him was so . neutral, so emotionless. He had never seen Usagi without an emotion; she was always full of emotions.
And the odangos always bounced or drooped . it was unnatural that they didn't.
Furthermore, what was Usagi doing in Azabu at this time of the morning? He knew for a fact that she never got up on time, he overheard as much at the Crown. Not to mention, he usually ran into her in the morning while she was sprinting to school, screeching, "I'm so laaate!" for the whole world to hear.
These questions plagued him. And before he knew it he was grabbing a shirt and running out of his apartment, determined not to lose her.
He followed her as she snaked her way through Azabu, never increasing her pace from a steady walk, and never slowing down. She didn't trip over things, she didn't run into poles.
Mamoru was beginning to experience a kind of vertigo as she wandered back towards Juuban. It wasn't exactly that he was so mean spirited that he thought Usagi would never overcome her clumsiness, and it certainly wasn't that he didn't want her to overcome it. But he had seen her just the day before acting like she always did, odangos alternately bouncing and drooping, tripping over cracks in the sidewalk, and wailing on the slightest provocation. A change this drastic couldn't happen overnight.
And it was drastic. He realized with sudden insight that the girl before him was just a shell. She was going through the motions of life, and not even doing that well. It was almost as if she wasn't really there at all.
He didn't know Usagi at all. He wondered suddenly, if anyone did.
He watched from a distance as she approached the gates of Juuban Junior High fifteen minutes before the bell rang. What was he doing? Following her? Whatever was wrong with her was her own business. If there was anything wrong with her to begin with. Do you really believe that? And what did it matter if he did or didn't? They weren't even friends.
He looked at his watch and cursed. Now he was going to be late for school. He took one more look at the gates of the school before running home. But Usagi had disappeared.
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Usagi didn't pay attention in class. She pretended to be daydreaming, but really couldn't drum up the energy to do so. She would have paid attention, but what was the point? She might not even be in class tomorrow. She might be in the hospital, she might be in the Dark Kingdom, hell she might even be dead. When one looked at it that way, what real importance did Algebra have?
But by the same token, what was the point of daydreaming? Her daydreams had even less chance of coming true than other peoples'. She used to daydream about Motoki or Tuxedo Kamen. But like nights full of sleep, those were long gone and hardly remembered.
Usagi ran her fingers over her sleeve and traced the ridges on the inside of her forearm. There was going to be a time when Tuxedo Kamen couldn't make it in time. It wouldn't be his fault. Usagi knew her luck would have to run out sometime. And there was a part of her that longed for the day when it did.
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Despite his admonissions to himself earlier, Mamoru was thinking of Usagi as he walked to the Crown. He was later than he usually was because he had had detention for being late. He knew Usagi hadn't been late so she probably hadn't had detention. He wouldn't run into her outside the Crown, but he knew he would probably see her inside. Would she be like she normally was? Or would she be like the person he saw this morning? Obsess much? a voice in his mind sneered at him. He wasn't obsessing . he was just curious.
But to his surprise, he saw Usagi walking into the Crown just as he crossed the street. She hadn't been there earlier than he after all.
Her odangos had bounced.
See? What you saw this morning was a fluke. It happens to everybody. Odango will be back to normal today and tomorrow and the day after. She will fail her next test and hit you in the head with it. This is the real world. Everything is normal.
But had the bouncing been half hearted? Or even worse, just a charade? Were they really bouncing, or just counterfeit bouncing? Voices sneered at him in his head, but Mamoru had to find out.
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To Usagi's dismay, her friends had already ordered her a large sundae, and it was sitting on the table, not touched and only slightly melted. She had to eat it. Her stomach heaved at the thought, and she choked back a gag. But she had to eat it.
She put on a bright smile and walked to the table.
"Hi-i minna-chan!" she sang and plopped down in front of the sundae. "Is this for me? It is? Good, because I am so hungry, detention really works up an appetite! I need ice cream!" She babbled on about nothing, not even paying attention to what she said. The important thing was that her friends think everything was as it always was. Wincing inside, she brought a spoon full of ice cream to her mouth and swallowed. Then another, and another. She ate quickly so it would be over with soon. Besides, the old Usagi had always eaten quickly.
As soon as she had swallowed the mouthful she dropped the spoon in the bowl and stood up.
"Just need to take a trip to the ladies room! I'll be right back." She had to stop herself from running to the bathroom. She walked, keeping her gag reflex in check. On her way to the bathroom she passed the counter and heard a voice say,
"Eat enough to feed a small country Odango?" She wasn't going to deal with that today. She turned to look at him, but the expression on his face wasn't his usual one at all. Before she could begin to decipher it, her stomach gave another lurch and she just turned and walked quickly to the bathroom.
As soon as she locked the door, she threw herself to her knees in front of the toilet and vomited up the entire sundae. She vomited until there was nothing left in her stomach, and then sat there and dry heaved. Finally she sat back against the cool tile wall and breathed heavily. A fine sheen of sweat had covered her face but she didn't bother to wipe in off. She was so hot! She turned her overheated fact to the tiles to try and cool it off.
She carefully rolled up her sleeves.
Eyes closed, not even bothering to look, she carefully traced each parallel cut on her left forearm.
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Mamoru sat at the counter shaking. He wasn't shaking much, not so it was noticeable to the other patrons of the Crown, but he could tell. He felt like that whole world was in discord suddenly. The vertigo returned and he gripped the counter until his knuckles turned white. He never again wanted to repeat the experience he had just gone through.
He had insulted Odango, just as always. He hadn't exactly meant it, but he had a deep longing for normalcy. She had turned to him, and he had been expecting an insult back, or for her to stick out her tongue, but .
It had been her eyes. It was the first time he had noticed how blue they were. And they were dead. They weren't sparkling, they weren't filled with tears, they didn't shout despair, they were just dead.
It was the most frightening thing Mamoru had ever seen.
If he had been able to see her face this morning, would her eyes have been like that? Seeing, but not really seeing. Dead. He thought it was probably so.
Usagi was supposed to be, well, not even a person but a force. She was supposed to be a force of cheerfulness that was unstoppable. Mamoru was just coming to realize that he had counted on that. It had been a pillar of his existence when the rest was unstable. Annoying as she was, she had been constant.
Nothing was normal anymore.
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Usagi was woken from a light and fitful sleep by the beeping of her communicator. The calls seemed to come in the middle of the night more than any other time. The Dark Kingdom, like most monsters, found the night preferable to the day. Usagi actually didn't mind. She was a creature of the night. She preferred moonlight to any other light.
She scrunched her eyes together to talk to Sailor Jupiter.
"The Juuban subway station," she was saying.
"Okay, I guess," Usagi whined. "I don't see why these stupid youma always have to attack when I'm in the middle of a good dream!"
"Come on Usagi! We've got to hurry up!" Luna said waspishly.
"I'm coming. Moon Prism Power, Make up!" The rush of power Usagi got when transforming was both exhilarating and terrifying. She could feel all the power she had. She didn't trust herself with it. She could barely manage every day life.
She jumped out of her window, onto a tree branch, and from there it was the rooftop highway to the subway station. The stairway was dark, but briefly lit up by attacks from the nearby battle. When Sailor Moon reached the scene she found all the senshi breathing heavily, but no youma.
"Where's the youma?" she asked.
"Dust," Sailor Jupiter said. Sailor Moon expected Sailor Mars to comment on her lateness, but she just looked around, a troubled look on her face.
"It was too easy," Sailor Mercury whispered. "Way too easy. There has to be something more." Sailor Moon felt a wind stirring her skirt and jumped out of the way just in time to miss being impaled by a huge crystal.
"Zoicite!" Sailor Venus hissed.
"Hello Sailor Senshi, nice seeing you again. Did you miss me?" Zoicite laughed. The Sailor Senshi were not amused.
"We're going to kill you," Sailor Mars promised.
"What you're going to go is give me your nizuishou. And then you're going to stand here quietly and let me take you hostage so that Tuxedo Kamen will give me his nizuishou."
"If you think we're going to do that, you're stupider than we thought," Sailor Jupiter bit out.
"Oh that's too bad, I guess we'll just have to do it the hard way." This time Sailor Moon had no time to get out of the way before two hulking youma grabbed her arms. She shrieked in surprise before a huge smelly hand clamped itself over her mouth. The senshi readied their attacks, but couldn't let them fly with out hurting Sailor Moon.
Zoicite floated lazily to Sailor Moon. A sharpened crystal appeared in his hand and he held it to her throat.
"Now give me all the nizuishou or she dies."
Sailor Moon closed her eyes. It would be so easy. She could already feel blood trickling down her throat and soaking into her uniform. The crystal was very sharp. All she had to do was lean forward and it would all be over. Seconds seemed like years as she agonized over her choice. Darkness and peace called her.
But no. If she died Zoicite would be sure to get all the nizuishou and eventually the ginzuishou. The Dark Kingdom would win. She couldn't allow that to happen.
Just as she made her decision the crystal pressed harder into her throat.
"Now!" Zoicite growled.
"Unhand her!" Sailor Moon's eyes flew open and saw immediately the imposing form of Tuxedo Kamen.
"Give me your nizuishou and I will." Sailor Moon saw the struggle in Tuxedo Kamen's face. He was actually considering giving them up to save her! He stepped forward.
It came down to this. If she died, Tuxedo Kamen wouldn't give up his nizuishou, but the Dark Kingdom would win eventually. If she let him give them over, the Dark Kingdom would win anyway.
She would have to save herself.
She hesitated.
Tuxedo Kamen took another step forward.
Sailor Moon took a deep breath and then screamed with all her might.
As had happened once before, her barrettes amplified her screams. The senshi and Tuxedo Kamen covered their ears. The youma holding her began screaming and finally released her. The crystal at her throat shattered.
As soon as she was free from both the youma and the crystal the moon wand was in her hand. She spun around to the still recovering Zoicite and forced the wand to his throat.
"Moon Healing Escalation!"
The resulting force blew Zoicite's head off.
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Mamoru waited. Any moment now his Odango would be coming. He hadn't seen her from his balcony this morning, and so he assumed she was back to her regular schedule of getting to school late.
If she is, then nothing is wrong, so why are you standing here waiting for her?
Because maybe something was wrong. Because dead eyes like those didn't just appear and then disappear in one day. Because there had to be a reason they were dead. Because there had to be a reason she had come out of the bathroom sweating and shaking yesterday. Nobody else had noticed, but Mamoru had.
Finally he saw the crowd ahead of him parting and he could hear the shouts of the sprinting blonde who was so continually late. Right before she reached him, he stepped into her path.
He grabbed her shoulders before she could fall to the pavement. She looked up apologizing, but stopped when she saw who it was.
He studied her face. It was haggard. She had always been pale, but this was an unhealthy pale. There were bags under her eyes, had she slept at all last night? Her eyes held some anger in them, but it was halfhearted. He could see the deadness underneath.
"Gomen ne, Usagi-chan," he said softly. He stepped out of her way. Her eyes were truly confused when she turned to look at him. "You look tired Usagi-chan. I hope you can get some rest today." He turned to jog on his way. Behind him, he heard Usagi start running again.
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No don't pick on me
When one act of kindness could be.
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Usagi walked slowly to the Crown that afternoon. She had spent most of the day in the nurse's office. She had come to school trembling and Ami and Makoto, who assumed if was because of the battle last night, had sent her there straight away. She hadn't disabused them of that notion. Of course the battle was still a harrowing experience, and when she closed her eyes, she could still see Zoicite's head removed from his body .
But that wasn't the reason she had come to school trembling. She was used to hiding the effects of battle. It had been her encounter with Mamoru that morning that caused her strange behavior. But she couldn't tell them that. Hey guys, don't worry, I'm having a nervous breakdown because some guy I usually fight with was nice to me this morning, now ain't that strange?
So she went to the nurse. She had even managed to doze for a while. Luna had understood when Usagi hadn't wanted to sleep after the battle. Luna was very worried about her, but she was also fiercely proud. Usagi supposed she should be proud of herself too. She had saved herself and the nizuishou. She had taken care of Zoicite single handedly. An image of Zoicite's headless body right before it disintegrated flashed through her mind and she shivered.
When she reached the Crown she sat at the counter and ordered a soda. None of the girls were here today, and for that she was grateful. She sipped her soda slowly, letting her mind stay blank. It was better that way.
"You should be at home resting Usagi-chan," a soft voice said in her right ear. She whipped her head around to see Mamoru sitting next to her.
"I - I don't want to go home," she stammered out. She had begun trembling again.
"Why not?" Mamoru asked. She should snap at him, tell him it was none of his business; it's what the old Usagi would do. But she couldn't. And this wasn't the old Mamoru. She shrugged.
"I just don't want to," she said lamely.
"That's a good answer," he said. He leaned back against the counter. "How was school?"
"I didn't fail any tests if that's what you're asking," she said with a little of the old Usagi spark back.
"I wasn't asking anything of the sort," Mamoru said seriously.
"Oh." Usagi turned in her stool to face the doors. After a long pause she said, "It was okay, I suppose. I spent most of it in the nurse's office."
"Did you sleep?"
"A little."
"Good."
There was another long pause. Usagi sipped her soda unenthusiastically and sneaked a glance at Mamoru. Why was he acting like this? It was . disconcerting. She thought that nothing would have changed Mamoru. Mamoru-baka. What had happened? The world had finally completed its turn upside down. Mamoru being nice to her. Well why not? It was fitting.
Usagi resisted the urge to flinch when his hand closed gently over her left arm. The cuts there were still new and tender.
"If you don't want to go home, will you sleep somewhere else?" he asked her gently. Usagi looked at him unblinking for a few seconds.
"Where?"
"My apartment." Usagi looked at him for a few more seconds.
"Okay."
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Mamoru had set her up on the couch with a blanket and some pillows. Now he was in the kitchen making hot cocoa. Hopefully that would help her sleep. He suppressed a shiver. Being that close to her, it was impossible to ignore that something was wrong. The deadness always lurked in her eyes, her shoulders slumped, if only slightly. She was a shell. Not truly living, but not truly dead.
His hands shook when he picked up her cup, and he forced them to be steady.
"Here you go, Usagi-chan," he said, walking back into the living room. She accepted the cup with her own shaking hands she couldn't hide.
"Thank you . Mamoru-san." A chill ran up his spine; he relished the sound of his name on her lips. He sat on the floor by the couch and clasped his hands loosely around his knees. For a few minutes he simply watched her while she sipped her drink.
"Why are you acting like this?" she asked him suddenly.
"Hmm?"
"Why are you being so nice to me?" Mamoru considered the question.
"I never meant to call you Odango Atama," he admitted. "It just popped out. I guess this just popped out too." Usagi nodded her head.
"I'm glad it did," she said softly. Another chill traveled the length of Mamoru's spine.
"Me too," he said. She looked at him, and Mamoru was caught in and by her gaze. She is so beautiful. The realization was painful. It nearly knocked the wind out of him and left an acute ache in his chest. On impulse he grabbed her hand. The skin was so smooth, her hand so small.
"I want you to get some rest," he said vehemently.
"I'm not very sleepy," she said. She didn't look away, and she didn't take her hand back.
"You look exhausted," he stated.
"But I'm not sleepy," she maintained, and she gave him a little smile. Mamoru's throat closed up. Even just the smallest curve of her lips increased her beauty a thousand fold. She was so beautiful he wanted to die, and yet only now felt as though he had truly lived because he had realized it. I love her. The pain in his chest expanded to include his arms and fingers. They tingled with his new awareness, because he suddenly could not keep any emotion out.
Usagi stood and he stood with her. He could not let go of her hand, because if he did, the world would lose all its new colors, and this lightness he felt would disappear, and his own weight would be so heavy he wouldn't be able to bring himself to fight gravity to move.
"You really should -" he began hoarsely.
"I'm glad you invited me here Mamoru." His hand tightened reflexively around hers as his whole body trembled with reactions to her words. Such simple words, but spoken so softly and beautifully; his chest ached with love for her.
"Usagi," he whispered, almost unable to get the word out through his tight throat. She turned her face up to his and Mamoru couldn't stand it anymore. He pressed his own lips gently to hers.
I am dead. he thought. Surely he had died. He was now in heaven, nirvana, and Brahman. His ill-lived life did not deserve this paradise. Her lips were so soft, and they tasted of chocolate and cherry soda, and something undefinable that was headier than a gallon of sake.
She responded to his kiss, opening her mouth slightly and grasping his neck with her hands. Mamoru never wanted this to end. Slowly he brushed her shoulders with the slightest touch, then her neck, and then his hands were on her beautiful face.
There were tears streaming down her cheeks. He broke away in surprise and Usagi stumbled backwards.
"What-" he asked.
"We should never see each other again!" Usagi said with a sob.
"Why- Usagi-" Usagi grabbed his hands.
"This was the most perfect and beautiful moment of my entire life," she said, more tears slipping out of her eyes. "But if we see each other again, it will be ruined!"
"What do you mean?" Mamoru asked frantically, trying to pull her closer.
"It can never be this like this again!" Usagi cried, resisting his pull. "I want to always remember this moment as it was: beautiful. I don't ever want to have to remember that I tarnished the memory later by ruining what we had!"
"Usagi, I don't understand!" Mamoru's chest was growing heavier as his voice grew more desperate.
"You can't understand! I can't get involved Mamoru! I have duties and responsibilities, and even if I didn't, I still wouldn't deserve you!"
"That's not true!"
"Yes, it is," Usagi said firmly. Her voice dropped so low Mamoru could barely hear it. "I have . I have other problems." She looked up into his eyes once again. "So let's always remember that when we were together, for however brief a time, what we had was amazing." She wrenched her hands out of his grasp and ran towards the door sobbing. She was out of the apartment before Mamoru had time to move a muscle.
"Usagi wait," he said to the empty air. "I love you." Mamoru's legs began to shake, until they couldn't hold him anymore. He fell in a dead faint to his apartment floor.
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Now that I've met you
Would you object to
Never seeing each other again
Cause I can't afford to
Climb aboard you
No one's got that much ego to spend
So don't work your stuff
Because I've got troubles enough
No don't pick on me
When one act of kindness could be
Deathly
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By Rei Kinneas
Rated R
Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi, Kodansha, Toei Animation, and countless others. The point is, it's not mine, and probably never will be, no matter how much I wish for it.
'Deathly' was written and performed by Aimee Mann. I thank her for inspiring me.
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Usagi opened her eyes to the gray pre-dawn light filtering through her window. She stared at her ceiling, unwilling to move, but unable to fall back asleep. She remembered a time when she had been able to sleep for long hours on end, sometimes even into the early afternoon, and her sleep would be filled with pleasant dreams of light-hearted things.
Those nights (and days) seemed like a different world now.
She sat up a bit, careful not to disturb Luna. Luna would probably drop dead from shock if she saw Usagi up this early, and even though she had a tendency to nag, Usagi still loved her and didn't want her to die. Besides, if Luna didn't die, there would be questions of 'why' and 'how', and those were questions that Usagi was unwilling to answer.
The light in her window was slowly fading from gray to pale orange. The clock on her bedside table informed her that she still had an hour and a half before she had to pretend to be asleep while her alarm went off. She sighed and carefully swung her legs onto the floor. She couldn't do it this morning. Just for once she wanted to dispense with the silly charade of the past two months. She would think of some excuse for Luna by the time she got home in the afternoon, but for now, the walls, real and invisible, around her were stifling. She needed to get out. She dressed quietly in her winter uniform. They were still allowed to wear their summer uniforms, but she chose not to. Well, it -was- getting chillier outside.
She left a note for her mother - she'd have to make an excuse for her too - and walked out of the door. She didn't have a destination in mind, but she had two hours before she had to be at school. Usagi wandered.
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Mamoru sat on his balcony, shirtless and drinking a cup of black coffee, watching the sun rise. It wasn't easy to watch a sunrise between the high rises of the Azabu district, but somehow he managed. Mamoru did this every morning. He watched the familiar people go by on the streets below him. There was the man with the dog, and the woman jogger, and the old lady with the orthopedic shoes. He saw the same people every morning. Not many people awoke this early in Tokyo.
When he first saw the blonde Odangos below him, he thought, absurdly That style is becoming popular because of Sailor Moon. It wasn't until he looked closer that he realized it wasn't just any blonde with Odangos. It was his Odango Atama. That was really the absurd thing. For one thing, the odangos weren't bouncing. Neither were they drooping. They just were. The idea was so foreign to Mamoru that he almost dismissed her as a random blonde who just happened to be wearing her hair in Odangos again. Right, he thought. Just a random girl with blonde odangos in a Juuban Junior High uniform. Not likely, pal. But the person below him was so . neutral, so emotionless. He had never seen Usagi without an emotion; she was always full of emotions.
And the odangos always bounced or drooped . it was unnatural that they didn't.
Furthermore, what was Usagi doing in Azabu at this time of the morning? He knew for a fact that she never got up on time, he overheard as much at the Crown. Not to mention, he usually ran into her in the morning while she was sprinting to school, screeching, "I'm so laaate!" for the whole world to hear.
These questions plagued him. And before he knew it he was grabbing a shirt and running out of his apartment, determined not to lose her.
He followed her as she snaked her way through Azabu, never increasing her pace from a steady walk, and never slowing down. She didn't trip over things, she didn't run into poles.
Mamoru was beginning to experience a kind of vertigo as she wandered back towards Juuban. It wasn't exactly that he was so mean spirited that he thought Usagi would never overcome her clumsiness, and it certainly wasn't that he didn't want her to overcome it. But he had seen her just the day before acting like she always did, odangos alternately bouncing and drooping, tripping over cracks in the sidewalk, and wailing on the slightest provocation. A change this drastic couldn't happen overnight.
And it was drastic. He realized with sudden insight that the girl before him was just a shell. She was going through the motions of life, and not even doing that well. It was almost as if she wasn't really there at all.
He didn't know Usagi at all. He wondered suddenly, if anyone did.
He watched from a distance as she approached the gates of Juuban Junior High fifteen minutes before the bell rang. What was he doing? Following her? Whatever was wrong with her was her own business. If there was anything wrong with her to begin with. Do you really believe that? And what did it matter if he did or didn't? They weren't even friends.
He looked at his watch and cursed. Now he was going to be late for school. He took one more look at the gates of the school before running home. But Usagi had disappeared.
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Usagi didn't pay attention in class. She pretended to be daydreaming, but really couldn't drum up the energy to do so. She would have paid attention, but what was the point? She might not even be in class tomorrow. She might be in the hospital, she might be in the Dark Kingdom, hell she might even be dead. When one looked at it that way, what real importance did Algebra have?
But by the same token, what was the point of daydreaming? Her daydreams had even less chance of coming true than other peoples'. She used to daydream about Motoki or Tuxedo Kamen. But like nights full of sleep, those were long gone and hardly remembered.
Usagi ran her fingers over her sleeve and traced the ridges on the inside of her forearm. There was going to be a time when Tuxedo Kamen couldn't make it in time. It wouldn't be his fault. Usagi knew her luck would have to run out sometime. And there was a part of her that longed for the day when it did.
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Despite his admonissions to himself earlier, Mamoru was thinking of Usagi as he walked to the Crown. He was later than he usually was because he had had detention for being late. He knew Usagi hadn't been late so she probably hadn't had detention. He wouldn't run into her outside the Crown, but he knew he would probably see her inside. Would she be like she normally was? Or would she be like the person he saw this morning? Obsess much? a voice in his mind sneered at him. He wasn't obsessing . he was just curious.
But to his surprise, he saw Usagi walking into the Crown just as he crossed the street. She hadn't been there earlier than he after all.
Her odangos had bounced.
See? What you saw this morning was a fluke. It happens to everybody. Odango will be back to normal today and tomorrow and the day after. She will fail her next test and hit you in the head with it. This is the real world. Everything is normal.
But had the bouncing been half hearted? Or even worse, just a charade? Were they really bouncing, or just counterfeit bouncing? Voices sneered at him in his head, but Mamoru had to find out.
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To Usagi's dismay, her friends had already ordered her a large sundae, and it was sitting on the table, not touched and only slightly melted. She had to eat it. Her stomach heaved at the thought, and she choked back a gag. But she had to eat it.
She put on a bright smile and walked to the table.
"Hi-i minna-chan!" she sang and plopped down in front of the sundae. "Is this for me? It is? Good, because I am so hungry, detention really works up an appetite! I need ice cream!" She babbled on about nothing, not even paying attention to what she said. The important thing was that her friends think everything was as it always was. Wincing inside, she brought a spoon full of ice cream to her mouth and swallowed. Then another, and another. She ate quickly so it would be over with soon. Besides, the old Usagi had always eaten quickly.
As soon as she had swallowed the mouthful she dropped the spoon in the bowl and stood up.
"Just need to take a trip to the ladies room! I'll be right back." She had to stop herself from running to the bathroom. She walked, keeping her gag reflex in check. On her way to the bathroom she passed the counter and heard a voice say,
"Eat enough to feed a small country Odango?" She wasn't going to deal with that today. She turned to look at him, but the expression on his face wasn't his usual one at all. Before she could begin to decipher it, her stomach gave another lurch and she just turned and walked quickly to the bathroom.
As soon as she locked the door, she threw herself to her knees in front of the toilet and vomited up the entire sundae. She vomited until there was nothing left in her stomach, and then sat there and dry heaved. Finally she sat back against the cool tile wall and breathed heavily. A fine sheen of sweat had covered her face but she didn't bother to wipe in off. She was so hot! She turned her overheated fact to the tiles to try and cool it off.
She carefully rolled up her sleeves.
Eyes closed, not even bothering to look, she carefully traced each parallel cut on her left forearm.
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Mamoru sat at the counter shaking. He wasn't shaking much, not so it was noticeable to the other patrons of the Crown, but he could tell. He felt like that whole world was in discord suddenly. The vertigo returned and he gripped the counter until his knuckles turned white. He never again wanted to repeat the experience he had just gone through.
He had insulted Odango, just as always. He hadn't exactly meant it, but he had a deep longing for normalcy. She had turned to him, and he had been expecting an insult back, or for her to stick out her tongue, but .
It had been her eyes. It was the first time he had noticed how blue they were. And they were dead. They weren't sparkling, they weren't filled with tears, they didn't shout despair, they were just dead.
It was the most frightening thing Mamoru had ever seen.
If he had been able to see her face this morning, would her eyes have been like that? Seeing, but not really seeing. Dead. He thought it was probably so.
Usagi was supposed to be, well, not even a person but a force. She was supposed to be a force of cheerfulness that was unstoppable. Mamoru was just coming to realize that he had counted on that. It had been a pillar of his existence when the rest was unstable. Annoying as she was, she had been constant.
Nothing was normal anymore.
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Usagi was woken from a light and fitful sleep by the beeping of her communicator. The calls seemed to come in the middle of the night more than any other time. The Dark Kingdom, like most monsters, found the night preferable to the day. Usagi actually didn't mind. She was a creature of the night. She preferred moonlight to any other light.
She scrunched her eyes together to talk to Sailor Jupiter.
"The Juuban subway station," she was saying.
"Okay, I guess," Usagi whined. "I don't see why these stupid youma always have to attack when I'm in the middle of a good dream!"
"Come on Usagi! We've got to hurry up!" Luna said waspishly.
"I'm coming. Moon Prism Power, Make up!" The rush of power Usagi got when transforming was both exhilarating and terrifying. She could feel all the power she had. She didn't trust herself with it. She could barely manage every day life.
She jumped out of her window, onto a tree branch, and from there it was the rooftop highway to the subway station. The stairway was dark, but briefly lit up by attacks from the nearby battle. When Sailor Moon reached the scene she found all the senshi breathing heavily, but no youma.
"Where's the youma?" she asked.
"Dust," Sailor Jupiter said. Sailor Moon expected Sailor Mars to comment on her lateness, but she just looked around, a troubled look on her face.
"It was too easy," Sailor Mercury whispered. "Way too easy. There has to be something more." Sailor Moon felt a wind stirring her skirt and jumped out of the way just in time to miss being impaled by a huge crystal.
"Zoicite!" Sailor Venus hissed.
"Hello Sailor Senshi, nice seeing you again. Did you miss me?" Zoicite laughed. The Sailor Senshi were not amused.
"We're going to kill you," Sailor Mars promised.
"What you're going to go is give me your nizuishou. And then you're going to stand here quietly and let me take you hostage so that Tuxedo Kamen will give me his nizuishou."
"If you think we're going to do that, you're stupider than we thought," Sailor Jupiter bit out.
"Oh that's too bad, I guess we'll just have to do it the hard way." This time Sailor Moon had no time to get out of the way before two hulking youma grabbed her arms. She shrieked in surprise before a huge smelly hand clamped itself over her mouth. The senshi readied their attacks, but couldn't let them fly with out hurting Sailor Moon.
Zoicite floated lazily to Sailor Moon. A sharpened crystal appeared in his hand and he held it to her throat.
"Now give me all the nizuishou or she dies."
Sailor Moon closed her eyes. It would be so easy. She could already feel blood trickling down her throat and soaking into her uniform. The crystal was very sharp. All she had to do was lean forward and it would all be over. Seconds seemed like years as she agonized over her choice. Darkness and peace called her.
But no. If she died Zoicite would be sure to get all the nizuishou and eventually the ginzuishou. The Dark Kingdom would win. She couldn't allow that to happen.
Just as she made her decision the crystal pressed harder into her throat.
"Now!" Zoicite growled.
"Unhand her!" Sailor Moon's eyes flew open and saw immediately the imposing form of Tuxedo Kamen.
"Give me your nizuishou and I will." Sailor Moon saw the struggle in Tuxedo Kamen's face. He was actually considering giving them up to save her! He stepped forward.
It came down to this. If she died, Tuxedo Kamen wouldn't give up his nizuishou, but the Dark Kingdom would win eventually. If she let him give them over, the Dark Kingdom would win anyway.
She would have to save herself.
She hesitated.
Tuxedo Kamen took another step forward.
Sailor Moon took a deep breath and then screamed with all her might.
As had happened once before, her barrettes amplified her screams. The senshi and Tuxedo Kamen covered their ears. The youma holding her began screaming and finally released her. The crystal at her throat shattered.
As soon as she was free from both the youma and the crystal the moon wand was in her hand. She spun around to the still recovering Zoicite and forced the wand to his throat.
"Moon Healing Escalation!"
The resulting force blew Zoicite's head off.
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Mamoru waited. Any moment now his Odango would be coming. He hadn't seen her from his balcony this morning, and so he assumed she was back to her regular schedule of getting to school late.
If she is, then nothing is wrong, so why are you standing here waiting for her?
Because maybe something was wrong. Because dead eyes like those didn't just appear and then disappear in one day. Because there had to be a reason they were dead. Because there had to be a reason she had come out of the bathroom sweating and shaking yesterday. Nobody else had noticed, but Mamoru had.
Finally he saw the crowd ahead of him parting and he could hear the shouts of the sprinting blonde who was so continually late. Right before she reached him, he stepped into her path.
He grabbed her shoulders before she could fall to the pavement. She looked up apologizing, but stopped when she saw who it was.
He studied her face. It was haggard. She had always been pale, but this was an unhealthy pale. There were bags under her eyes, had she slept at all last night? Her eyes held some anger in them, but it was halfhearted. He could see the deadness underneath.
"Gomen ne, Usagi-chan," he said softly. He stepped out of her way. Her eyes were truly confused when she turned to look at him. "You look tired Usagi-chan. I hope you can get some rest today." He turned to jog on his way. Behind him, he heard Usagi start running again.
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No don't pick on me
When one act of kindness could be.
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Usagi walked slowly to the Crown that afternoon. She had spent most of the day in the nurse's office. She had come to school trembling and Ami and Makoto, who assumed if was because of the battle last night, had sent her there straight away. She hadn't disabused them of that notion. Of course the battle was still a harrowing experience, and when she closed her eyes, she could still see Zoicite's head removed from his body .
But that wasn't the reason she had come to school trembling. She was used to hiding the effects of battle. It had been her encounter with Mamoru that morning that caused her strange behavior. But she couldn't tell them that. Hey guys, don't worry, I'm having a nervous breakdown because some guy I usually fight with was nice to me this morning, now ain't that strange?
So she went to the nurse. She had even managed to doze for a while. Luna had understood when Usagi hadn't wanted to sleep after the battle. Luna was very worried about her, but she was also fiercely proud. Usagi supposed she should be proud of herself too. She had saved herself and the nizuishou. She had taken care of Zoicite single handedly. An image of Zoicite's headless body right before it disintegrated flashed through her mind and she shivered.
When she reached the Crown she sat at the counter and ordered a soda. None of the girls were here today, and for that she was grateful. She sipped her soda slowly, letting her mind stay blank. It was better that way.
"You should be at home resting Usagi-chan," a soft voice said in her right ear. She whipped her head around to see Mamoru sitting next to her.
"I - I don't want to go home," she stammered out. She had begun trembling again.
"Why not?" Mamoru asked. She should snap at him, tell him it was none of his business; it's what the old Usagi would do. But she couldn't. And this wasn't the old Mamoru. She shrugged.
"I just don't want to," she said lamely.
"That's a good answer," he said. He leaned back against the counter. "How was school?"
"I didn't fail any tests if that's what you're asking," she said with a little of the old Usagi spark back.
"I wasn't asking anything of the sort," Mamoru said seriously.
"Oh." Usagi turned in her stool to face the doors. After a long pause she said, "It was okay, I suppose. I spent most of it in the nurse's office."
"Did you sleep?"
"A little."
"Good."
There was another long pause. Usagi sipped her soda unenthusiastically and sneaked a glance at Mamoru. Why was he acting like this? It was . disconcerting. She thought that nothing would have changed Mamoru. Mamoru-baka. What had happened? The world had finally completed its turn upside down. Mamoru being nice to her. Well why not? It was fitting.
Usagi resisted the urge to flinch when his hand closed gently over her left arm. The cuts there were still new and tender.
"If you don't want to go home, will you sleep somewhere else?" he asked her gently. Usagi looked at him unblinking for a few seconds.
"Where?"
"My apartment." Usagi looked at him for a few more seconds.
"Okay."
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Mamoru had set her up on the couch with a blanket and some pillows. Now he was in the kitchen making hot cocoa. Hopefully that would help her sleep. He suppressed a shiver. Being that close to her, it was impossible to ignore that something was wrong. The deadness always lurked in her eyes, her shoulders slumped, if only slightly. She was a shell. Not truly living, but not truly dead.
His hands shook when he picked up her cup, and he forced them to be steady.
"Here you go, Usagi-chan," he said, walking back into the living room. She accepted the cup with her own shaking hands she couldn't hide.
"Thank you . Mamoru-san." A chill ran up his spine; he relished the sound of his name on her lips. He sat on the floor by the couch and clasped his hands loosely around his knees. For a few minutes he simply watched her while she sipped her drink.
"Why are you acting like this?" she asked him suddenly.
"Hmm?"
"Why are you being so nice to me?" Mamoru considered the question.
"I never meant to call you Odango Atama," he admitted. "It just popped out. I guess this just popped out too." Usagi nodded her head.
"I'm glad it did," she said softly. Another chill traveled the length of Mamoru's spine.
"Me too," he said. She looked at him, and Mamoru was caught in and by her gaze. She is so beautiful. The realization was painful. It nearly knocked the wind out of him and left an acute ache in his chest. On impulse he grabbed her hand. The skin was so smooth, her hand so small.
"I want you to get some rest," he said vehemently.
"I'm not very sleepy," she said. She didn't look away, and she didn't take her hand back.
"You look exhausted," he stated.
"But I'm not sleepy," she maintained, and she gave him a little smile. Mamoru's throat closed up. Even just the smallest curve of her lips increased her beauty a thousand fold. She was so beautiful he wanted to die, and yet only now felt as though he had truly lived because he had realized it. I love her. The pain in his chest expanded to include his arms and fingers. They tingled with his new awareness, because he suddenly could not keep any emotion out.
Usagi stood and he stood with her. He could not let go of her hand, because if he did, the world would lose all its new colors, and this lightness he felt would disappear, and his own weight would be so heavy he wouldn't be able to bring himself to fight gravity to move.
"You really should -" he began hoarsely.
"I'm glad you invited me here Mamoru." His hand tightened reflexively around hers as his whole body trembled with reactions to her words. Such simple words, but spoken so softly and beautifully; his chest ached with love for her.
"Usagi," he whispered, almost unable to get the word out through his tight throat. She turned her face up to his and Mamoru couldn't stand it anymore. He pressed his own lips gently to hers.
I am dead. he thought. Surely he had died. He was now in heaven, nirvana, and Brahman. His ill-lived life did not deserve this paradise. Her lips were so soft, and they tasted of chocolate and cherry soda, and something undefinable that was headier than a gallon of sake.
She responded to his kiss, opening her mouth slightly and grasping his neck with her hands. Mamoru never wanted this to end. Slowly he brushed her shoulders with the slightest touch, then her neck, and then his hands were on her beautiful face.
There were tears streaming down her cheeks. He broke away in surprise and Usagi stumbled backwards.
"What-" he asked.
"We should never see each other again!" Usagi said with a sob.
"Why- Usagi-" Usagi grabbed his hands.
"This was the most perfect and beautiful moment of my entire life," she said, more tears slipping out of her eyes. "But if we see each other again, it will be ruined!"
"What do you mean?" Mamoru asked frantically, trying to pull her closer.
"It can never be this like this again!" Usagi cried, resisting his pull. "I want to always remember this moment as it was: beautiful. I don't ever want to have to remember that I tarnished the memory later by ruining what we had!"
"Usagi, I don't understand!" Mamoru's chest was growing heavier as his voice grew more desperate.
"You can't understand! I can't get involved Mamoru! I have duties and responsibilities, and even if I didn't, I still wouldn't deserve you!"
"That's not true!"
"Yes, it is," Usagi said firmly. Her voice dropped so low Mamoru could barely hear it. "I have . I have other problems." She looked up into his eyes once again. "So let's always remember that when we were together, for however brief a time, what we had was amazing." She wrenched her hands out of his grasp and ran towards the door sobbing. She was out of the apartment before Mamoru had time to move a muscle.
"Usagi wait," he said to the empty air. "I love you." Mamoru's legs began to shake, until they couldn't hold him anymore. He fell in a dead faint to his apartment floor.
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Now that I've met you
Would you object to
Never seeing each other again
Cause I can't afford to
Climb aboard you
No one's got that much ego to spend
So don't work your stuff
Because I've got troubles enough
No don't pick on me
When one act of kindness could be
Deathly
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