I am sure that most of you know how annoying Tobi can be. He has that stupid annoying voice, that stupid annoying mask, and that pathetic annoying attraction he has with Deidara. Yeah, well I thank my few reviewers for this one. I couldn't have done what little I do without ya. This was a random inspiration that came to me in the middle of a... random dream. Yeah, don't ask. Warning: DO NOT read this if you find offense with bad language. This isn't racist language, but very colorful and potentially offensive to some people. Sorry, but that's how I decided to make this story. Suck it up, or just plain shut the tab.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own any Naruto characters or plots in this story. Thank Masashi Kishimoto for the whole thing. Without him we would have no Naruto.
It was an average peaceful day, with an average peaceful breeze, and average peaceful clouds floating peacefully through the sky. Well, that would have been a boring day had it not been for a certain orange masked pest living in the Akatsuki. Well, it was a nice day, had it not been for the loud foot steps resounding down the halls of the Akatsuki compound.
"TOBI YOU JACKASS! I'LL KEEL YOU!" A rather pissed off Deidara was running full speed down the hallway after poor Tobi. It would seem that Tobi had successfully made Deidara pissed off enough to throw kunai after kunai at the pitiful masked man. One could practically taste Deidara's anger wafting through the air. "You have crossed the line one to many times you fucking baka! Your head will be on a platter served with lemon flavored churros! I will make sure that you are extra crispy! If I see even one small sliver of uncooked skin... I'LL BLOW YOU THE FUCK UP! YOU ARE THE NEXT DEAD SACRIFICE FOR HIDAN!"
"B-but, Tobi is a good boy! What did Tobi do?" By this point the sad Akatsuki member was flying down the hall with chakra powered feet. One may ask, "what did Tobi do?" Well, why don't we go back in time and observe this.
GIANT- ASS FLASHBACK:
The air was warm with the summer sun, the plush grass, soft with healthy nutrients, and Deidara was lying on these elements with his eyes closed and breathing slow and peaceful. It was a rather uneventful day for the missing nins, AKA, the Akatsuki. Pein had decided to let them rest for the few moments that they were able, and Deidara had jumped at the chance to relax his hands for the upcoming missions. Yeah, life was pretty comfortable until Tobi had to painfully interrupt.
"Sempai... incoming!" Deidara growled at the intruder and opened his eyes. The only thing that registered in Deidara's mind was something along the lines of: "WTF! Why is the little shit annoying me?" Well, that was the only thing until a rather sharp pain captured his attention.
Turning his head to the left he saw a stick. This was not an ordinary stick either. No, this stick was imbedded in his hands mouth! To make things worse, it was actually choking his mouth! The pointy tip was not helping matters for Tobi. 5, 4, 3, 2,
"OWWW! THAT FUCKING HURTS! IMMA GONNA KEEL YOU TOBI! YOU FUCKING BASTARD! YOU ARE MORE THAN DEAD NOW! OWW! HOLY FUCKIN' SHIT!" Deidara shot to his feet and started shouting for their medic nin, Kakuzu. "KAKUZU! GET YOUR FUCKING ASS OUT HERE STAT!" superflyingtacklepounce
"Ouchie! Please get off of Tobi, Sempai! It hurts! Zetsu help me please! My back is in an ouchie!" Yes, Deidara has just jumped Tobi and is now in the act of suffocating him. This could and probably will end badly. The moments for Tobi to live were ending when a rather distressed Deidara let him go so he could nurse his hand and wait for Kakuzu to come to his aid.
"You really are a fucking idiot, Tobi. Look what you did to my HAND! IT'S BURNING UP! IF I CAN'T USE MY HAND AFTER THIS... I WILL PERSONALLY CASTRATE YOU, WITH MY OWN BOMBS!" Deidara shoved his hand in front of Tobi's nose to show off the bleeding and bruises all around his mouth. It was actually twitching in pain! The stick was still in his hand and if Kakuzu didn't get there soon, then Deidara would probably pull the stick out himself.
"Tobi didn't see his Sempai until Tobi threw the stick. Tobi is sorry, is sempai hurt?" Tobi began to walk over to Deidara, but was thrown forwards by his foot? Odd. That was a very quick reaction for the wounded, but then again, feet are not connected to hands. A loud scream resounded throughout the compound and all of the Akatsuki heard it.
Tobi had fallen forward and landed on Deidara's outstretched hand! The scream was most likely from the stick being driven all the way through his hand to the ground! Anybody with one eye could see that Tobi was royally screwed. A,N: Tobi! He only has one eye! The seconds seemed to be stretched into pain filled ours for Deidara. Blood oozed out of his mouth/ hand, bruises jumped to the surface creating a mirage of colors and rough bumps all over his hand.
"AWW FUCKIN' A! YOU SON OF A BITCH! I AM GOING TO FUCKING FEED YOU TO ZETSU! HOT DAMN MY HAND IS RUINED! I SWEAR TO GOD... AND JASHIN, IF KAKUZU CAN'T FIX THIS I WILL FUCKIN' MASSACRE YOU!" A.N: I am aware that I over- used the cap locks on Deidara's talking parts, but think about it. Would you want to have a stick shoved through your hand? I think not! Plus, don't mess with me about the whole swearing thing. I would be a lot worse than Deidara if a certain orange masked maniac threw a stick into my hand! Deidara leapt up and jumped on top of an unsuspecting Tobi, throwing them both to the ground. Deidara then started to pummel the shit out of Tobi for about five minutes until he was knocked unconscious. Mind you, Tobi will conveniently wake up at the worst moment.
Deidara got off of Tobi and leaned up against a tree, resting in its cool shade. Feet began to run quickly up the small slope to where Deidara and Tobi were. "About time you guys got here." All of the Akatsuki were arriving at the top of the slope one at a time. In the lead was a rather pissed off Pein, then an annoyed Konan. One would assume that Deidara had interrupted them in the middle of something important. A.N: cough- sex- cough. In the next row was the medic nin, Kakuzu, followed by the ever cheerful Hidan, and Sasori the hard ass. Literally. A.N: He he he. I just totally dissed Sasori and his wooden ass! He's gonna kill me! Of crap, gotta run! In the back was the red- eyed ninja, Itachi, the plant man himself, Zetsu and the hungry- sword- wielder, Kisame.
"Oh my god! What happened! Did you kill Tobi or something? Was that the scream?" Konan was stressing over her poor Tobi, and Pein was cracking up behind her. Itachi, Kisame, Sasori and Zetsu were all restraining their fits of laughter, but Hidan and Kakuzu glanced at each other and burst out in laughter. "Shut up you two! Deidara! What the hell did you do to my baby?" All of the Akatsuki, minus Tobi, stared at Konan and began to blink relentlessly. "What? Kakuzu, come check on my ba- I mean, come check on your team- mate!"
"Well well, it looks as though Deidara simply knocked him unconscious. This isn't anything to worry about. But... I'm assuming that scream came from you, Deidara. Am I right?" All of the Akatsuki turned to look at the pained nin.
"Yeah, that was me. Why are you all staring at me?" All of the missing nin, were swallowing laughter by now and choking on their own twitching cheeks. "What the hell is wrong with you Hidan?" Hidan was, of course, rolling on the ground holding his stomach, trying to hold in the laughter. This lasted about three seconds.
"HA HA HA HA! OH MY FUCKING JASHIN! YOU ARE SUCH A WOSS! WE ALL THOUGHT THAT WAS TOBI! Oh man, Kakuzu, did we get that on tape! Oh my god that was hilarious! He sounded like a girl PM'ing! HA HA HA HA!" On that last remark, both Konan and Deidara stepped forward and started beating the living shit out of Hidan. "OWIE OWIE OWIE! WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?" Sasori fell over and started beating the ground up with his fist, he was followed quickly by Kisame. Kisame fell onto his knees and was leaning on his sword with all his life. Itachi cracked a smile and let out a rare laugh that sounded like a dead hyena, Zetsu turned around and smirked happily at the near- dead swearing nin. Kakuzu was beating his forehead up against a twitching Pein. All the while, Pein was twitching and thinking something along the lines of: Why did I chose these guys to be part of the most evil organization ever to roam the earth?
"What do you expect you jackass? You just called me a post menstrual girl! How am I supposed to take a comment like that? You are the biggest piece of shit that the world has ever seen. I WAS SCREAMING BECAUSE FUCKIN' TOBI THREW A STICK AT ME AND IT SPEARED MY FUCKING MOUTH! THE ONE ON MY RIGHT HAND! GEORGE! HE HAD A LIFE UNTIL TOBI MURDERED HIM! IMMA GONNA KILL HIM AFTER KAKUZU STOPS CRACKING UP AND LOOKS AT MY DEAD HAND!" After another five minutes of Deidara's ranting the laughing began to die down and Kakuzu snapped out of his trance.
"So, that's why you were yelping? Come here and let your evil big brother make it feel better." A.N: I know, you must be sick of these stupid authors notes, but his one is important. When I say brothers, I mean it in a cult like way. You know, once you're in a brotherhood, you're in it for life and you are basically family. Hence the brother comments. No confusing statements meant. Kakuzu walked over to Deidara and picked up his right hand. The stick was still sticking out of one side of his hand and out the other. With a slight grimace, Kakuzu started to slowly massage the area around the wound to check for broken bones and sprains. "Holy shit, he got you pretty good didn't he? Well, I won't lie to you Deidara. This hole is gonna take a month or so to heal and it might take a little longer until you are able to make clay bombs. Sit down."
"Ummm, okay." Deidara sat down on the ground criss- cross, with his hand on his left leg, tilted so as not to cause a lot of hemorrhaging. Kakuzu slowly sat on his knees to Deidara's left, right in front of the hand. "How much is this gonna hurt?" That was one of those questions that you don't want answered. Kakuzu shifted uncomfortably and shifted his eyes towards Deidara's with a slight smirk.
"Like holy hell little brother. Kisame, Itachi, hold his arms down so he doesn't smack me in my beautiful face. Hidan, no, never mind, you'll just get in my way. Konan, Sasori, can you hold down his legs so he doesn't kick me in the crotch. I'd rather not be castrated by my little bro. Zetsu, could you hold down his head so he doesn't buck up and rip his hand open... permanently. When I say three, I'm going to pull this sucker out and you are going to start cursing worse than Hidan." Deidara's eyes opened wider than an owls and he started sweating like a maniac.
"You know, I could just leave this thing in my hand forever. I don't mind. I don't need both hands to make clay. Oh hot damn, this is gonna suck worse than Tobi and his infernal pestering, isn't it." Deidara tried to shift out of the way of Kakuzu, only to find basically the whole Akatsuki sitting on him.
"Suck it up... sis. You know you can handle the pain. Plus, if I don't pull it out, you will forever be known as Sticky the Feared Blonde Bitch, not Deidara of the Akatsuki." Deidara scowled at Kakuzu and leaned back into Itachi, who in turn smirked at Deidara and reassured him not to worry with a wink. "Okay, one, two, three, hold him!" Kakuzu pulled the stick out of Deidara's hand and a small splurch was heard all throughout the small group. They all stuck their tongues out and closed their eyes from the sound. Then, without warning Deidara started shouting and bucking, punching, kicking and biting at Kakuzu.
"OWW! DAMN IT! YOU MOTHER FUCKING LOSER! YOU ARE SO DAMN LUCKY I'M BEING HELD AGAINST MY WILL OR I WOULD PULL YOUR ARTERIES PAST EVEN THEIR FUCKING LIMITS! OWW! FUCK ME SIDEWAYS YOU HORSE ASSED SON OF A BITCH! OW OW OW OW!" All the Akatsuki stared at Deidara who was not only using extremely colorful language, but also pulling Itachi, Zetsu, Sasori, Kisame, and Konan towards a frightened Kakuzu. Kakuzu was hopping backwards on his butt, trying to scramble away from Deidara.
"Sit still! I need to put a bandage on that puppy, or you could bleed to death. Oh fuck it. Hidan! Sit on his chest pronto!" Hidan leapt up at the chance to cause Deidara pain. He jumped from his place on the ground over on top of Deidara, causing him to lose his breath and Hidan to laugh in joy. "Hell, I didn't say kill him! I said to sit on him! Whatever." Kakuzu crawled over to Deidara and took a small emergency kit out of his cloak and found a small roll of bandages and hospital tape. He began to wrap it around Deidara's hand when a certain orange masked nin with a death wish woke up from his state of unconscious.
"Why did sempai knock Tobi out? What did Tobi do to his sempai?" Tobi looked so innocent with his big red eye staring Konan in the eye that she nearly caved in and told him that he was an angel and that he did nothing. "Why is sempai so scary? EEK! Help me mommy!" Tobi was screaming for Konan to help him as Deidara glared at Tobi.
"Hey, Kakuzu, I can still use my other hand, right?" Kakuzu nodded rather skeptically at Deidara until he was pushed out of the way, along with all of the other unsuspecting Akatsuki. "You better run you FLAMING ASS WIPE!" Deidara began running at Tobi full speed. Tobi began hiding behind various members of the Akatsuki before he realized, they weren't going to help him!
"Kisame! Protect me with your big hungry sword! Please before Tobi dies!" Kisame kicked Tobi out of the way before Kisame could be pounced on. "Hidan, you'll help Tobi, right? Tobi's too young to die!" Hidan stuck his foot so far up Tobi's butt on that one, Tobi would be feeling it up until next week. "Sasori! Itachi! HEEELLLP TOBI!" Tobi found out very quick that asking a hard ass, and a pissed off brother for help, was not good for his head. In fact he had received two very nice lumps on the head from that one encounter. Without even thinking, Tobi tried one more desperate attempt at safety. "Mommy, help Tobi before Tobi gets blown up." Wrong move on Tobi's part.
"For the last fucking time, I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER!" With a hard kick to the knee, Tobi was sent backwards into Deidara of all the Akatsuki. "That's what you get!" This would not bode well for the missing nin.
For the rest of the Akatsuki who were not on the ground rolling and laughing, Tobi was running right into the compound! All of the laughing ceased, because they all realized one small, important fact. "Deidara'll blow the whole thing to kingdom come!" The remaining nin looked at each other and winced,
"DEIDARA! DON'T GO IN THE COMPOUND!" Pein, Konan, Sasori, Itachi and Kakuzu all set off running at full speed. Following closely were Hidan, who was still laughing, Zetsu, who was very annoyed for some unknown reason, Kisame, who was holding his stomach and running after them. "IF HE DESTROYS THE COMPOUND I'LL MAKE HIM BUILD A NEW ONE WITH A SHOVEL!" Yes, all of the Akatsuki said that at the same time. They all stopped dead in their tracks when they heard Deidara.
"TOBI YOU JACKASS, I'LL KEEL YOU! I'LL BLOW YOU THE FUCK UP! YOU ARE THE NEXT DEAD SACRIFICE FOR HIDAN!" Yeah, this wasn't so good. This could end very badly for everyone in the proximity.
END OF GIANT- ASS FLASHBACK
"You know perfectly well what you did! See thing hole in my hand? No, you can't can you? Well, that's because it's covered by a GIANT FUCKING BANDAGE! I WON'T BE ABLE TO USE MY CLAY FOR A FUCKIN' MONTH! YOU ARE SO DEAD! STAY STILL YOU LITTLE RUNT!" Deidara poured chakra into his feet and got another small inch closer to Tobi's throat with an outstretched kunai. Damn, this little punk is quick on his feet! Imma gonna kill him!
Tobi didn't mean to miss Tobi's target! Tobi thought Sempai's mouth was Tobi's target! Tobi is sorry!" Deidara growled so loud a bear would have heard. The Akatsuki were in the building, determined to stop Deidara from blowing up the compound. That would mean the end of the Akatsuki, and the end of Deidara's life. Pein would most likely kill Deidara if he made a mess. Konan wasn't any better. If Deidara destroyed the rooms, that would mean no more sex for her and Pein!
"What do you mean you thought my hand was a target?? MY HAND HAS A FUCKIN' TONGUE THAT WAS EATING GRASS! You may not realize this but... TARGETS CAN'T FRIGGING MOVE!" Deidara heard the other Akatsuki members behind him and knew that he had to act now. "Tobi, today is your lucky day. IMMA GONNA KILL YOU QUICK AND PAINFULLY!"
"B- but, Tobi's target was moving! Tobi's target was a poisonous snake near Tobi's sempai! Tobi wanted to save his sempai! Tobi's to young to die! Zetsu save me! Deidara put his all into a final burst of speed and got close enough to Tobi to poke him in the back with his kunai. Using the short distance to his advantage, Deidara superflyingtacklepounced Tobi! The entourage of evil missing nin behind them all stopped and watched the show in front of them.
"DIE YOU BASTARD! TAKE THAT AND THAT AND THIS AND THAT WITH A SIDE OF FUCKING THAT!" Deidara was stabbing Tobi with the (now blunt) kunai repeatedly and without mercy. Pein rushed forward and pried the kunai out of Deidara's hands. He was followed quickly by Itachi and Kisame, who, with much persistence, managed to peel Deidara off Tobi. "LET ME AT HIM! LET ME AT HIM! PUT ME DOWN YOU SONS OF BITCHES! IMMA GONN-" Deidara was cut off by a hand across his mouth by Itachi. Still swearing from beneath the hand, Kisame took over for Deidara.
"Tobi, you should be grateful for Pein and Konan. Without them, you would be Deidara food. I'm not joking when I say that you are one messed up son of a bitch, but you are part of the Akatsuki, so start acting like it!" Everybody looked at Kisame with confusion. Never before has Kisame said anything... caring. "Cut it the hell out Kakuzu! I don't have a tempurature! God, what the hell is with all of you?" Kakuzu had walked up to Kisame and put the back of his hand on Kisame's forehead.
"I don't know. You don't seem like your usual self." Kakuzu walked over to Tobi and checked for a pulse. He proceeded to check for broken bones and sprains in the same way he did with Deidara. "Yeah, remind me not to get on your really pissed off side. I'd rather not be like Tobi right now." Konan came closer, looking anxious. "Don't worry, Tobi only has a broken nose, a few minor sprains, and a broken finger. This is nothing... although, Deidara, you do know, you're going to have to share a bedroom with Tobi for a whole month, right?" The Akatsuki members turned to Deidara.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I HATE YOU TOBI!"
Okay guys, that was probably my more, what's the word, stupid- funny fic. I hope that you liked it. I'm sorry if you love Tobi, but he had it coming from the beginning. I winced too when Deidara got the stick through his hand. If you like it, or hate it, please review. I like to read comments on my bad grammar to see where it could be fixed, but remember to review the overall story too. A cyber- cake to anyone who reviews.