Disclaimer: No, I don't own Deathnote, or Christmas… but since I sent a letter to santa L, I think owning the rights will come to me in the near future!
A/N: Thank you to everyone who reads this, and I hope you all have…
A Very Death-notey Christmas!
"Light-kun… the lights on your side of the tree are off center by .07 millimeters…" The bored toned voice of a black haired man rose and fell with a listless cadence.
"You're blind Ryuzaki! The lights are perfectly centered." Snapped the velvety perfect voice of a brunette boy, holding a string of lights.
"Percentage that you are Kira, up 2%... for denial of the centeredness of Christmas lights." Ryuzaki chewed upon a fingernail, already bored of the situation.
"That doesn't even make sense!" Light snapped back.
"I have hot choco-late!" A blonde girl stated in a bubbly voice, as she entered the room dressed in a very slutty elf costume, carrying a tray of hot chocolate and marsh mellows.
"Ah. Thank you Amane-san," Ryuzaki said, life finally entering his apathetic voice.
"Yeah, thanks Misa," Light replied curtly. Misa's cheeks puffed out, and she began to pout childishly.
"Light you're so mean! You could at least help me with this heavy tray.."
"I'm busy Misa!" Light snapped in response.
"I'll help you Amane-san," Ryuzaki said, trying to sound cheerful.
"N-no, don't," but it was too late, Ryuzaki was there grabbing the tray from Misa.
"Oh, and Amane-san… nice try with the mistletoe," Ryuzaki pointed upwards and continued, "but next time, think out your plan thoroughly. Now, as tradition states, you have to kiss me Amane-san." The stoic detective leaned forward, his owlish eyes waiting expectantly.
"Ewwwwwww, you pervert! Take the damn tray, and shove the tradition up you're a-"
"Ah, ah Amane-san such foul language does not become you. Percentage that you are Kira's accomplice up 1%... because you killed my Christmas spirit." And with that Ryuzaki took the tray, and slouched back towards Light.
"That doesn't make any sense!" Misa shot over her shoulder, as she stomped away.
"Nobody gets my reasoning…" Ryuzaki said sadly, while popping a marsh mellow in his mouth.
"L, can you at least sacrifice one marsh mellow? I would like it for my hot chocolate." Light asked, slightly annoyed. L sighed and began,
"One: I told you to call me 'Ryuzaki' not 'L'. And Two: no, I love marsh mellows and I can't bring myself to part with them after we've become such great friends."
"You're freaking insane…" Light muttered under his breath.
"Did you say something Light-kun?" L asked, again popping another marsh mellow into his mouth.
"Aren't you saving any of those for your hot chocolate?"
"No… I had Amane-san add an extra cup of sugar to my cup, so I could eat the marsh mellows separately… I couldn't bare to put my friends in a scalding hot vat of melted chocolate, and watch them slowly melt away and die. Isn't that morbid?" L stated calmly, still bored.
"N-not really… marsh mellows don't have feelings Ryuzaki."
"Percentage that you are Kira up 3%... because of your morbidity and total lack of imagination." Light rolled his eyes, and sipped at his hot chocolate indifferently.
"Since we are finished with our hot chocolate, shall we continue decorating the Christmas tree Light-kun?" Light sighed and replied unwillingly,
"Yeah, sure, whatever…"
"You don't have a lot of Christmas spirit, do you Light-kun?" L questioned the serious teen.
"And you do? You look so anti-christmas I'm expecting the ghost of Christmas past to come at any moment." Light shot back.
"That hurts my feelings light-kun… up 2% more, for killing my Christmas spirit further."
"You really are insane Ryuzaki!" Light exploded.
"And you are a Christmas killjoy…" L replied.
The two men backed away from the tree to admire their handiwork.
"The tinsel on your side of the tree is too symmetrical, it lacks a creative spirit." L said in his, "analytical," voice.
"Yeah, well the popcorn strings you put up are missing a few pieces!"
"I was merely testing them for poison Light-kun."
"Testing them for poison my ass! You ate them, admit it!" Light fumed.
"Perhaps I did, so sue me for wanting to try popcorn."
"You've never eaten popcorn Ryuzaki?" Light asked bewildered.
"I've never had the desire to until now…" L replied matter-of-factly.
"You're strange…" Light said.
"And you are an image obsessed pretty boy. Now that we are done stating obvious facts, shall we go ask Watari to fetch us some Christmas ornaments?" Light kept his temper in check, as he replied,
"Whatever you want Ryuzaki."
"Compliance. Good job Light-kun, I am proud of you."
"Whatever Ryuzaki…" And with that the two left to find Watari.
"Watari, we need you to fetch us some Christmas ornaments for our tree." L demanded of the kindly butler.
"As you wish Ryuzaki," the kindly old man said with a bow.
"Oh, and one more thing…" L said, shuffling over to whisper into Watari's ear.
"As you wish Ryuzaki." And then Watari left.
"You guys are putting up a Christmas tree?" An overly happy man exclaimed from across the room.
"Yes Matsuda, we are following strict Christmas traditions." L replied blandly.
"I didn't know you celebrated Christmas Ryuzaki," Matsuda answered, somehow managing to make himself look like an even bigger idiot…
"Can't you tell I love Christmas by my bright, cheery smile Matsuda?" L asked, flashing a very poor attempt at a smile. Matsuda merely blinked and turned around, silent for once. Light flopped down into a desk chair, and put his hands behind his head.
"Well Ryuzaki, what should we do now?" Light questioned nonchalantly. Completely ignoring Light, L went on to say,
"I wonder if Kira celebrates Christmas?" Everyone's eyes widened, and they stared stupidly at L.
"What? Do I have a hot chocolate mustache? That's highly embarrassing." Everyone just looked away, there was no dealing with the stoic detective. Misa then came bouncing into the room, and all of the men (Excluding L and Light because their cool like that) had fountain like nosebleeds… Matsuda fainted.
"Oh, Light! I can't wait to open all of the presents you got me!" Misa shrilled, as she bounded towards her one true love.
"Oh… I was supposed to get you presents?" Light stated, eyebrows raised in confusion. Misa collapsed dejectedly, as her spirit drifted away… Light rolled his eyes at Misa's over- dramatics, and stated,
"No need to fret, I got you a gift Misa…" The blonde pop idol shot up happily, and proceeded to squeeze the life out of poor Light. L watched in blatant amusement, munching on a candy cane. Light shot a pleading look over Misa's shoulders at L, who studiously ignored Light.
"While Watari is out purchasing ornaments, I believe we should hang up our own stockings," L announced with a sharp clap of his skinny hands. A groan could be heard rippling through the task force.
"Oh come now, where is all of your Christmas spirit?" L stated, holding up a stocking emblazoned with a gothic L.
The task force stood back from their fantastic Christmas handiwork, smiles only caused by the pure joy of Christmas plastered on everyone's faces. As everyone beamed foolishly at the stockings and tinsel now adorning the walls, Watari came through the elevator doors, pushing a cart. Upon said cart were boxes, boxes containing any Christmas paraphernalia imaginable.
"Ah, thank you Watari," L stated, shuffling over to the cart and opening one of the many boxes. The task force gathered around L, as he proceeded to pull out an elf hat, elf ears, five pairs of raindeer antlers, a red blinky Rudolph nose, and lastly a red santa hat. Turning to the task force members, L smiled wickedly as he began to out the random Christmas apparel. Mogi was handed the elf ears and hat, Aizawa, Matsuda, Mr. Yagami, and Ide were handed raindeer antlers, Light was the last pair of antlers and Rudolph blinky nose, all while L stuck the santa hat proudly on his head.
"The hell are we supposed to do with this crap?" Light screamed, looking horrified as he watched Mogi stoically adorn himself with the elf ears and hat.
"Isn't it obvious Light-kun? I want you to be my Rudolph, so you need to put on those antlers like the cute little 'deer' you are." L replied, inwardly laughing at his very poor attempt at a joke.
"Like hell I will!" Light yelled in reply, as the rest of the task force put on their raindeer antlers.
"Percentage that you are Kira up-" L was cut off by Light immediately screaming,
"Fine, I'll put on the damn things, just stop with the percentages!" Light inwardly shuddered as he placed the antlers on his head, and then strapped the nose onto his face. Misa took one look at Light's surly, but rather cute appearance, and fainted.
Awakening from her unconscious state, Misa was rather confused as she heard the task force singing, "Jingle Bells." Standing up, Misa proclaimed, "Why are you guys singing?"
Light groaned and replied, "Because L said we have to, we have to stick to, 'strict Christmas traditions.'"
"Yes, and while we're all singing, Watari is in the other room setting up a snack table, and putting our presents under the tree!" Matsuda exclaimed happily.
"Shouldn't 'santa' be doing that?" Light grumbled, as L glared at him, mouth stuffed with cinnamon gumdrops.
Watari came shuffling in, stating in his kindly voice, "Please, enjoy the snacks and have a wonderful Christmas." Matsuda went bounding into the party room, followed closely by a rather cheery Soichiro. Misa grabbed onto Mogi's arm, already chatting his ear off excitedly, and listing off all the things Light could have possibly gotten her for Christmas. Aizawa made his way into the room talking to Ide, leaving L and Light alone in the room, for Watari had mysteriously vanished.
Making their way into the party room, they were stopped as L looked up and exclaimed, "Mistletoe." Light's face paled, as he began shaking his head back and forth.
"There's no way I'm kissing you L!" Light screamed in fear, completely forgetting to call L Ryuuzaki. Wagging a disapproving finger, L scolded,
"Ah-ah-ah Light-kun. Strict Christmas traditions, remember?"
"Yeah but-but, I…no L." Light sputtered, staring pleadingly at the now inexplicably drunk task force members all chanting (including Light's father), "Kiss him, kiss him, kiss him!" Light gulped reflexively, backing away from the raven haired genius who merely stated,
"Come now Light, don't be so childish. It's just a quick peck on the lips." Cornering the panicking brunette, L grasped Light's chin, quickly dipping down for a kiss. Pulling away L calmly stated, "See, that wasn't so bad." Light's face was flushed impossibly red as he just walked away from a smirking L.
"Present time!" a slightly drunk Matsuda and Misa chimed in unison. A predatory gleam shone in Misa's eyes as she dove for the mountain of presents, instantly finding one addressed to her from Light using her incredible nose to sniff out his scent. Ripping the pretty blue wrapping paper with white snowflakes to shreds, Misa giggled as she now held a teddy bear to her chest.
"Omg, thank you Light he's so cute! I'm totally calling him Light Jr!" Light just waved dismissively at her, mumbling, "Yeah, yeah, whatever you want." Mogi grabbed a present addressed to him from Misa, and proceeded to open it, a childish gleam of happiness sparkling in his normally stoic eyes. Holding up a vibrant pink t-shirt with Misa's face emblazoned across the front, the big burly man blushed, but quietly began to put it on.
Matsuda was so drunk he had passed out, cuddling a life sized candy cane, so the task force just piled his presents off to the side and then opened the rest. "Here you are Light-kun, a present for you." L stated, holding out a box wrapped in candy cane wrapping paper. Light carefully took the present, eyeing the detective up and down suspiciously as he replied, "Umm…thanks Ryuuzaki." Opening the gift carefully, Light immediately dropped the thing like it was a poisonous snake.
"Is there something wrong Light-kun?" L asked with an innocent tilt of the head. "You…you got me g-gay—gay porn…" Light mumbled, his sanity slightly sipping from all of the crap L put him through on a day that was supposed to be enjoyed. "And? It isn't like you were complaiing the other night when we decided to video tame our 'playtime' together." Light blanched as every head (even Matsuda's who was still asleep) swiveled in their direction.
All eyes on the two geniuses, Light simply ran away in shame and embarrassment. "Hey where is Light going? We wanted to see what you guys got for Christmas!" Misa shouted, the entire task force completely clueless as to what had just happened. Walking over to the beautifully decorated tree, L picked up a package with little gumdrops adoring the wrapping. The label read, "From: Santa, To: L." L smiled slightly as he opened the package that he had clearly sent to himself.
And inside the box…was…a little yellow rubber ducky, and adorable quacky grin plastered across its beak. Cuddling the cute duck, L murmured, "I'll call him Chadwick." The task force looked strangely at the weird detective, but shrugged and continued opening up presents and getting wasted. Turing to Chadwick, L whispered, "My other present was getting to annoy Light to no end." Chadwick smirked evilly at L, who just replied (ignoring the fact that his rubber ducky's face just changed), "Best. Christmas. Ever."
~The End~