Title: A Really Shitty Title For a New Years Fic Regarding a Certain Redhead Kazekage.
Summary:
Gaara sends out Christmas gifts for the first time (Reluctantly)
Paperwork.
Yes.
Truly, a job worthy of being executed by the Kazekage.
After countless hours of signing papers (And throwing those who bothered him out the window), Gaara put down his pen as he carefully placed the last contract on his neat pile of signed papers.
Leaning back, Gaara looked out the window.
Snow.
In the Desert.
How unfitting.
There was silence in his office.
Gaara liked silence…
… which was why the Kazekage was royally pissed when someone slammed the door open and yelled at him with the force of 1000 cannons.
As the door slammed open, the wind ruined Gaara's perfect pile of papers.
It took 9 fucking hours.
"GAARA-SAMA! IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE AND YOU STILL HAVEN—"
ENOUGH.
Eyes slamming open, he sent a wave of sand to bury the messenger from his feet to his head.
"Sand Burial…" Gaara said, ignoring the fact that the messenger was probably dying from the lack of air.
Gaara allowed his eyes to close once more. He'd organize the pile tomorrow.
SLAM
The door opened once more.
"GAARA-SAMA! IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE AND YOU STILL HAVEN—"
ENOUGH.
"WHAT, YOU EGG!"
Gaara grabbed the second intruder by the foot with his sand and threw him out the open window.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MOTHER, I HAVE DIED."
Gaara ignored the scream, creating earplugs with his sands and sticking them in his ears.
"Gaara, what the fuck?"
ENOUGH.
Gaara's eyes opened with the force of a sledgehammer as he slammed his fists onto the table with rage.
"ENOUGH… Oh, hello there onee-sama. I did not see you come in," Gaara said, his rage evaporating the moment he realized that it was his sister.
"Gaara, did you kill those two?" Temari asked.
"The Kazekage must not be disturbed under any circumstances. They were rightfully punished, and no, I did not kill them. The Kazekage permanently damaged one, and is in the process of strangulating the other," Gaara said.
Temari turned her neck to the levitated lump of sand to her left.
"Gaara, let them go…"
Gaara frowned, pouting ever-so-slightly. "One does not simply disturb the Kazekage and get away with it," he complained.
"Gaara, you're supposed to be a shining example for the Village to follow."
"The Kazekage will not be referred to as a shining example of the Village."
"The Kazekage is an asshole."
"The Kazekage's poor personality traits runs through the family."
"The Kazekage's poor personality traits runs exclusively in the male side of the family."
"The Kazekage's poor personality traits amplifies within the female side of the family."
"The Kazekage's attempts to distract me are pathetic," Temari said, forcing Gaara to admit defeat.
Gaara raised his hand, anger written all over his face.
His sister is an asshole, he decided.
He released the man in the sand; the corpse fell to the floor, lifeless and unmoving.
"Gaara, you fucking killed him," Temari said.
Gaara's frown evaporated. "That is… unfortunate?"
"Gaara, you're smiling," Temari complained. She looked slightly disappointed.
Gaara tried very hard to look sad. " Apologies, onee-sama. I will refrain from using this method to torture those who enter my office without permission during stressful periods."
Temari shook her head in frustration. Although her cute little brother was showing signs of improvement, he was still an asshole to his core.
"Annnnyywayy… You really need to send out gifts to the other Kages and your friends! It's Christmas Eve for fuck's sake!"
Gaara shot sand into Temari's mouth.
"Umph! What the hell! That's fucking gross, dude!"
Gaara shot even more sand into Temari's mouth.
Temari coughed, furiously spitting out the residue left in her mouth.
Gaara put his elbows on the table and crossed his hands in front of his face, hiding the small smile on his face.
"The Kazekage's sister's word choices should be clean; after all, the Kazekage is the shining example for all members of the Village."
Temari looked pissed, but she let it slide.
For now.
"That's not the point. Gifts! Presents! Christmas cards! Now!" Temari demanded.
"Why?" Gaara asked, genuinely curious as to why these inferior humans sent "gifts" to each other on December 25th.
"Because it's respectful? Other Kages will think you're trying to start a political war with them if you don't send them gifts… As for the few friends that you have, they'll send you gifts and if you don't send them anything back, they'll think you're being an asshole!" Temari said.
"But I am an asshole," Gaara admitted.
"Smart-ass me one more time and I'll shove my fan up your ass so far that you'll be coughing out bamboo splinters for the next 3 weeks," Temari threatened.
"The Kazekage's sister shou—"
"FUCK OFF GAARA! YOU'RE COMING WITH ME TO GO GIFT SHOPPING RIGHT NOW!"
"The Kazekage will not be pushed around like a—"
CRACK
Temari knocked Gaara out with a powerful dropkick; his armor littered the desk with pieces of hard sand.
Garagaragaagaagaagrgagragagra
Temari arrived at the gift shop with Gaara, his Kazekage robes slightly sandy due to his 7 attempts to escape. Evidently, he was unsuccessful.
"Ooh! Gaara! Look at this…" Temari said, pointing at a beautiful, Christmas-themed snow globe made of gold, diamonds, and other precious jewels. "Let's take this… It'll be perfect for Princess Koyuki up in the Land of Snow!"
Gaara imagined smashing Temari's forehead with the snowglobe instead.
This put a satisfying smile on his face.
Temari took this as a sign of acceptance; she put it in the cart.
"Hmm… Do you think gifting the Old Tsuchikage a candy cane walking stick will be appropriate? He might think it's offensive… What's your opinion on this?" Temari asked, poking Gaara's left cheek.
"I think we should give him discount coupons to Suna's best crematorium; he is quite old after all," Gaara said, imagining the frail old body of the Tsuchikage burning under his feet.
"... The cane will do." Temari said, throwing the cane inside the cart. "We should get something special for the Hokage! They're our ally so… Something to show that we trust them."
"Present Tsunade-sama with some alcohol laced with anti-genjutsu solutions. It'll reveal her true face for 24 hours," Gaara suggested.
"Gaara… You are aware that you're a sociopath, right?" Temari asked.
"Yes."
"Gaara… You are aware that you're a psychopath, right?"
"Yes."
"Gaara… You are aware that our father was a sociopath, right?"
"Yes."
"Gaara… You are aware that our father was a psychopath, right?"
"Yes."
"Gaara… You are aware that the man who killed our father is a sociopath, right?"
"Yes."
"Gaara… You are aware that the man who killed our father is a psychopath, right?"
"Yes."
"Gaara… Do you want to fuck Naruto?"
"Yes."
"Wut," Temari said, a mischievous smile forming on her face.
"waIT NO GO BACK THAT WAS A REFLEX" Gaara yelled, raising his voice for the first time this year.
"Hehe let's get the Hokage this face mask for her skin," Temari said.
"How about we lace the mask with anti-genjutsu solutions to force her to live with her real face for 24 hours?" Gaara asked.
"No," Temari said. "Maybe I should ask Tsunade how her breasts grew to such a size."
"Temari, you are a man, but I will support you in your decision to go transgender."
"Gaara, what the FUCK! I'm a girl!"
"No you're not."
"Yes I am!"
"I've seen you naked before."
"You've never seen my genitals!"
"I've seen your breasts. There is no way you are a woman."
"THE LAST TIME YOU SAW ME WITHOUT CLOTHES WAS WHEN I WAS 10!"
"There is no difference, Temari."
"DIE."
For the next 20 minutes, Temari and Gaara continued to pick out gifts for the leaders of the villages of the Elemental Nations. Although Gaara insisted on buying gifts that would bring pain and misfortune to the receiver, Temari kept the gifts (relatively) professional. The white snow elevated Temari's Christmas spirit as she informed her brother that he was going to have to pick the gifts for his friends.
"Temari, I don't want to send gifts to my friends," Gaara said.
"I've helped you enough already; I've even provided perfect examples of what Christmas gifts should be like. Just pick a gift that's respectful and thoughtful, and write kind words. I hope you're capable of that, Kazekage-sama," Temari said, walking away, leaving Gaara alone to deal with the mess he was in.
"... Fuck you, Temari," Gaara whispered.
"I heard that, Gaara-chan," Temari said.
"Fuck you Temari," Gaara said.
"I heard that also, Gaara-chan," Temari said.
"Fuck you Temari," Gaara shouted.
"I heard that also, Gaara-chan," Temari said.
"Fuck you Temari!" Gaara shouted.
"I heard that loud and clear, Gaara-chan," Temari said.
Big sigh.
Gaara rolled up his Kazekage-robed sleeves and started brainstorming.
I have an idea, he thought to himself.
An unsettling smile formed on his face.
New Years Day
Naruto Uzumaki was humming to himself in his room filled with Christmas spirit, torn gift wrapping, bubblewrap, and boxes. PRESENTS! He had received a box of med supplies from Sakura, a copy of Icha Icha from Kakashi, trench knives from Asuma, a stuffed fox from Yamato, a box of female condoms from Sai, a necklace from Neji, money + coupon to a brothel from Jiraiya… the list went on and on!
Even the bastard, the almighty Sasuke Uchiha blessed him with a gift of 12 ketchup packs and a used pair of plastic utensils.
In fairness, Naruto presented him with air from his lungs.
Naruto, however, was pumped for another reason.
His foreign gifts arrived!
He wondered what Gaara sent him.
He opened a box that looked incredibly formal decorated with gold and designed with a snowy theme.
Princess Koyuki sent him…
…
Condoms?
…
"k," Naruto whispered.
He didn't even bother reading the card, but he saw from the corner of his eye that specific words such as: "Missionary", "Reverse Cowgirl", "Fuck me until I can't walk", "Bear my children", and "Bury me with all 8.5 inches"
…
…
…
…
…
…
(bruh)
Moving on…
Throwing the box of condoms behind the Christmas tree, Naruto spotted a rather sinister looking gift.
It's wrapper had a blood-red hue. A dark, ominous chill swept through Naruto's insides.
Slowly unwrapping the gift, Naruto's highly sensitive nose crinkled as it picked up the scent of rotting flesh. The silence was deafening.
Naruto's hands continued to unwrap the huge box.
Under the box…
Was another box…
Under that box…
Was another box…
And under that box…
Was yet another box…
And under that box…
Was yet another box…
And under that box…
Was yet another box…
And under that box…
Was yet another box…
And under that box…
Was yet another box…
And under that box…
Was yet another box…
And under that box…
Was yet another box…
And under that box…
Was yet another box…
And under that box…
Was yet another box…
And under that box…
Was yet another box…
And under that box…
Was yet another box…
And under that box…
Was yet another box…
And under that box…
Was yet another box…
And under that box…
Was yet another box…
Finally, the once-huge-gift was reduced to the size of a medium sized suitcase. The odour of dead flesh made Naruto want to hurl.
The final layer was unraveled, revealing the corpse of a dying fox, wrapped in a red ribbon alongside a plain white card. "From Gaara," it read.
Naruto had no words.
XX
Gaara was relaxing in his office once more; his greatest foe was defeated.
With no more paperwork to do and certainly no more presents to give, Gaara allowed his eyelids to close as peace swept over him.
CRASH
"Gaara! You forgot to—"
Enough...
Gaara raised some sand to throw the peasant who dared to interrupt his sleep out the window.
"Woah there, Gaara, I'm your brother!" Kankuro said, raising his hands above his head in a defensive stance.
"All the more reason to end your existence. Happy New Year," Gaara said.
Kankuro's scream echoed throughout the Village Hidden in the Sand.