Duty

Disclaimer: Tamora Pierce doesn't write fan fics; she writes books. By my very presence it should be obvious that I am not her.

"It is good to remember that the universe, with one slight exception, is made up entirely of other people." –some teacher's wall

I understand. Really, I do. I mean, I know everyone, including mother, is going to throw a hissy-fit, but I'm royalty. It's my duty.

And, yes, somewhere inside, it hurts just a little more. It chips another little piece off my heart, never completely whole, always breaking a little, and held together only with the sloppy string and paste of realism. But I have a duty.

I know that it's for my kingdom. I relate with father to marry me off. I even agree. I don't look forward to it, and there are great chances that it will make my life living hell, but I'm just one person. If my suffering will bring peace and life to countless hundreds of people, isn't it worth it?

I'm royalty. I faced that reality long ago. And, with royalty, and luxury, and everything you hear about, there is a price. And I'm willing to pay it. Because, why was I born into this family if not to serve my country?

I know the Gods have a plan. And right now, as much as I hate it, it makes sense. If I marry a man I don't love, which is definitely not the worst fate in the world, then countless hundreds of people won't die and suffer in an unnecessary war. Isn't that worth it?

As a young girl, I had so many dreams. All the things I would do with my life. But one day I read about our family, and realized how dumb they were. I have a role to fill, just like my ancestors before me. I gave up, and no one even noticed. No one notice that I fucking broke that day. They said good night Kalasin, see you in the morning, and never once stopped to peek under the mask. The mask I've had to build up to cover the pain. The hopelessness. That mask has served me well. Because I have a duty to the crown.

You know, I used to want to be a knight. I wanted to be just like Aunt Alanna, a lady knight, bringing glory to my kingdom, defending the weak, saving lives. But isn't that what I'm doing? Who knows what wars might result if I don't marry a Carthaki prince?

And I've seen how pathetic my dreams were. No one ever told me that. Even my father, who always explained his decisions to me until they made sense, never discouraged me. I discouraged myself. What good will I do the country by being a warrior? My soldiers will always be too focused on protecting me, instead of the goal. It would cripple the land more if I die than if one more soldier dies in my place.

Because I have a duty. I'm the princess. I'm not here to be selfish, and say, I want to rule my own life, because all the people who might die and suffer if I do, will say, what a selfish self-centered little prat. I'm princess for a reason. And I help people by marrying a stranger across the sea from my home, shouldn't I do it? There are more of other people than me.

And I saw at an early age, unlike my father, who took until adulthood, that my happiness doesn't really matter. I know some people may say I deserve it, but that doesn't really matter. There are things more important that happiness for me. Like life and happiness for my people.

It's all this, this understanding, the realism, the hopelessness, not ever really believing there's something better in the future, that lets the monarchy control my life. And leads me to agree and side with father against the world. That lets me tell my mother, with a straight face, that she's wrong, and do nothing when I see how her heart breaks. Because my heart's been breaking my whole life. She's so concerned with her own pain she doesn't notice mine. Doesn't look. But that's okay; I've come to expect people to see only what they want of me. They never really see me. I hope they never do.