I Never Meant Those Things I Said
Riley was lying on a dirty mattress on a dirty floor in one of the Firefly safe houses in the Boston QZ, completely unable to sleep. She let out a frustrated groan and rolled onto her back, staring up at the dark ceiling. She knew from seeing the room in daylight that the ceiling was beginning to sag in the middle where years of neglect were finally getting to it - and Riley just hoped that the damn thing wouldn't collapse on her in the night. Impending ceiling collapses weren't, however, the reason for her insomnia. No, a certain long-time, brunette friend was the winner of that prize.
The same one that kept her up most nights, actually.
Riley sighed. There she was again. Ellie. Just running through her head.
"Aren't you getting tired by now?" Riley muttered to the memories.
Oh, this was so stupid. Riley really needed to sleep now. Tomorrow was her big important initiation into the Fireflies - and she wasn't about to fuck it all up by turning up exhausted. But Ellie didn't seem to care much about that. She was back - filling Riley's thoughts and causing the tips of her fingers to tingle and her stomach to twist in, well, whatever it was Riley felt when she thought of Ellie.
She hadn't quite worked that one out yet.
Riley did a good job of keeping thoughts of the past out of her mind during the day. It was easy when Firefly training filled your every waking hour - and Riley threw herself onto her mattress every night, completely wiped out. But sleep always alluded her - as if memory Ellie was pissed off because she had been ignored all day.
Riley thought about the last time she had seen Ellie. The memories came easily to her - they ran through her head like a story she had read a dozen times and knew inside and out. Before she'd left, Riley had been...distant with Ellie for a while, to say the least. It had been a defence mechanism, Riley thought, to help her cope with everything she had been thinking about. How she felt about Ellie, the Fireflies, Riley's place in the world - it had all been buzzing around in her head like some indestructible fly that just wouldn't quit. And every time she thought that she had it all figured out, more worries and doubts would crop up to plague her. She had been drowning in the uncertainty of it all.
And seeing Ellie had only made her head spin all the more.
Eyes still on the ceiling, Riley sighed again. "You really are an idiot, Riley," she muttered. "You're a coward - and you're an idiot."
She'd left Ellie's room that night with fury and anger and confusion in her heart - and then she'd left the school. Riley hadn't said goodbye to Ellie or explained herself, and now Riley felt so stupid for not doing those things. Firefly initiation wasn't easy - she could die tomorrow and Ellie would never know where she'd gone or if she was even okay.
Riley kicked at her blanket in frustration. She was an idiot. A massive, super stupid, idiot.
Riley wished that she could take back the all the nasty things she'd said to Ellie that night before she'd left. She hadn't meant any of it. It had all just been one big defence cloud to keep Riley from thinking about herself and her own feelings.
She wanted to apologise.
The light of the moon cast shadows that extended outwards, creeping along the wall opposite to Riley, and she decided that they were more interesting to watch than the ceiling.
Riley so much wanted to speak with Ellie that it felt like a physical need that just grew and grew by the day. It felt like something that she needed to do to survive - like eating, or sleeping. But on the other hand, Riley didn't know what she'd even say to Ellie, if she ever did see her again. She still didn't understand what she felt for Ellie. Riley supposed that perhaps it was love - but what did that mean? She'd never found herself in this situation before. She was clueless.
The feelings that she had for Ellie were like nothing she'd ever felt for anyone else - and Riley was scared shitless of them, if she was being honest. She didn't know if feeling for her best friend was okay or not. Is that what happened in friendships? Did they sometimes evolve that way? Whatever 'that way' meant. ...She certainly didn't feel so strongly for any of her other friends, that was for sure.
When she had been hanging with Tino and the gang back at the school, Tino had flirted with her a little and Riley had flirted back for the fun of it...but that was completely nothing - not compared to her and Ellie's natural rapport.
Figuring this out was going to drive Riley crazy. She had already tried so many times before.
And it wasn't like there were any grown-up mentors to ask about this kind of stuff. Riley was on her own.
She wondered what someone might tell her if she did open up to them - like Marlene, or some of the other Fireflies. Would they dismiss it? Laugh? Be shocked? Was it a bad thing to feel something for your best friend, particularly if said best friend was another girl? ...Did that really matter?
...It didn't feel bad though. When Riley thought of Ellie, putting aside the feelings of guilt of how she'd acted towards her and then left without a trace - she felt happy. Warm.
And that was a good thing, surely?
Riley bit her bottom lip.
She considered for a moment what exactly she felt for Ellie. She felt safe, comfortable and easy with her, but she also felt protective and knew that she'd fight tooth and nail if Ellie was ever in trouble. Would she die for her? Riley pondered the question and thought that perhaps in the heat of the moment, she might - and if it meant ensuring Ellie's survival by sacrificing herself, then she wouldn't think twice. God, she'd jump in front of a bullet for that girl.
The idle thought made Riley start. Yes. She was suddenly very clear on the fact that she would let a bullet bore a hole through her chest if it meant saving Ellie.
Wow.
Riley wondered if this is what people called 'having an epiphany.' Had she just realised something about herself?
She rolled onto her side, so that she faced the window. The moon was a big white dome in the sky - a perfect circle. She wondered if Ellie was staring at that same moon and that made Riley consider how close they were from each other. Riley could sneak out to see Ellie. It wouldn't be a problem. She could go tomorrow, after her initiation...or the next night. Marlene had warned Riley away from Ellie - she hadn't wanted her getting Ellie into trouble. But fuck that - Ellie usually made her own trouble anyway. She smiled at the thought.
"Just a couple of troublemakers, you and me," she whispered into the darkness of the room, and suddenly wished desperately that she could whisper them to Ellie herself. Riley wished that she was here.
The two of them had sometimes shared Ellie's bed back at the school, when it had gotten so late that Riley had just crashed there in Ellie's room. It had been silly fun - and completely against the rules...but Riley had always felt comfortable with Ellie in such close proximately.
There was that word again. Comfortable.
It had never really occurred to either of them that Riley could have just as easily slept in the continuously unoccupied bunk above Ellie's. She'd liked the comfort of being close - and guessed that Ellie had too.
Riley wanted to tell Ellie - things. She wasn't quite sure what yet, but she'd work that out. She just wanted to see her. Riley regretted everything she had said to Ellie the last time she'd seen her - and now, she wanted to make it right between them again.
Riley adored working with the Fireflies. It's all she ever really wanted to do since she'd been old enough to understand who they were and what they stood for - but she missed Ellie insanely. And yes - she'd need to see her again.
It had been forty-four days since Riley had last set eyes on Ellie. She knew, because she had been counting them.
Riley caught sight of Ellie in her minds eye and smiled. Don't worry, she thought - perhaps trying to telepathically contact her friend. I'll be seeing you real soon girl.
Riley stared at the moon for a few more moments, before, gradually, she felt sleep surround her. Filled with the exciting knowledge that she would see Ellie again soon, Riley slept an unbroken and undisturbed sleep.
It had been the best she'd slept in precisely forty-four days, actually.