A Blair/Dan/ Milo story. This is set sometime between the car crash and the wedding. Blair has miscarried(forever bitter that they made her pregnant) the wedding is going ahead and Georgina and Milo are back in thier lives. The setting is kind of non-descript, they are in a public building of some kind probably something to do with the wedding. It's a tad angsty but does have moments of fluff towards the end. I hope you enjoy! Apoligies if there are any grammar/spelling errors this was a bit of a late night endavour. Reviews very much welcome!
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters etc. Etc.
"Hey buddy," Dan bends down to reach his eye level. They remain just as they were. While everything else has reformed and grown, those unassuming, soft, chocolate glows are unchanged. Reminding him of a time when he would tirelessly battle to lull those very same eyes to sleep. He finds himself staring at the little boy. Because Milo is very much a boy now. No longer the tiny entity he once cradled in his arms as if that was where he was always meant to occupy. He was a fully formed character with movements, expressions (the one displayed on his face right now oddly led Dan's mind back to Georgina or rather Sarah, Georgina's friendlier alter-ego used to don. He wasn't entirely sure how he should take that.) Milo adjusts his head to the side a little, sitting up from his push chair a tad, searching for something in Dan that he is unaware he ever had. "He must be what- a year and half now? More I guess." He murmurs more to himself than to Georgina.
"Somewhere around there, yeah," she relpies in a tone oddly (for her) considerate of the situation and of Dan. He had been good to her and Milo when she had needed him to be. She was well aware there were not many other people or men in her life who would have done the same.
Dan shuffled, glanced briefly up to Georgina. Keen to explain his initial reason for coming to see her before Milo's playful face distracted him. "I know you're here for the wedding. To do something- Georgina to Blair. I was wondering if you know, you couldn't-just wouldn't?" Gergonia forehead screws up, her eyes brief dewiness evaporating, un-amused as she watches him play peek-a-boo with increasingly joyful Milo. "Not to validate these allegations, but why would it matter to you what I do or don't do to Blair?"
"Where d'ya go?" Dan peeks behind his hands to Milo. "Blair has been through a lot lately okay, going through a lot too. Too too much really and this, you, all that comes with that, comes with you is not what she needs on her plate right now. She doesn't deserve anything you're conjuring up Georgina.' He stutters it out, fixing her with a uncharacteristically stern glare only at the end of the dialogue. He was aware that he also needed to do it for his own self preservation. Seeing Milo like this was doing things he was determined not analyse. But after everything that Blair had been through, losing her baby only months ago, he knew that Georgina parading Milo around would be the only effecting act of malice she could possibly inflict on Blair. And he wasn't going to let that happen.
Georgina spots something. Something she's both seen in him and hasn't before. It is in the slight gulp in his throat as he spoke of Blair's needs. The light tenderness as he said Blair's name. It places her back to almost four years before when it had been her former BFF who he'd waxed lyrical about. A resentment for Waldorf that had never been put to bed burned inside of her. Serena she could get. But Blair? No. She couldn't have her fairytale and one of the last remaining good guys in New York . And that he was so quick to jump to conclusions about her reappearance (never-mind that he had concluded correctly) and was defending, protecting Blair Waldorf of all people riled every nerve-ending in her body and caused her to short-circuit any slithering of sensitivity she had handed to Dan.
"Well maybe you should head back to the blushing bride to be then," clearly unaware of mileage of damage he had caused, Dan reached to untangle a crumb from Milo's hair. Cracking a slight smile as the short dark curl springs swiftly back to shape . With the somewhat unruly mop, and dark buttoned eyes he could convince himself-trick himself just for a moment that he was living in that time and space again when even without a paternity test Milo was undoubtedly his and he Milo's. Frustrated, Georgina lashes out a in cutting drawl 'Dan, honestly I severely doubt he has any recollection of who you are. Why would he at this point?'
Like a dagger. Dan's upturned lips now just a brief memory. Georgina did always have a way of saying it how it was. Because that time and space no longer existed."We should get going. I'll be seeing you Dan." This was his reality after all.
He bolts up summarising every lashing of fortitude he holds within him. "Just stay away from her Georgina. Please." He almost pleads that last note. So much for that fortitude. He sets to leave, he doesn't need to watch them go again.
Blair had discreetly watched the tail end of the exchange from the small gap in the door frame. In had taken every bit of restraint in her not to blast in to the room, and icily shred any resemblance of self-respect Georgina might behold after hearing what the cold bitch had said to Dan. She watched as his entire form had been crushed, weighed down by Georgina's cutting and needless words. The sight gives way to a passing twinge inside of her. She ignores it. She did not want to take these limited last moments with Milo away from him anymore than Georgina already had.
He heads unfocused towards the opposing door of Georgina's departure. Mindless of where he is going just knowing he doesn't want to be in that room. Blair backs away. She slows her pace as she descends her way down the slim corridor. Laying one hand to the wall she stops and waits. She knows how Humphrey works. With the big things. The ones that actually matter. He dwells, writes some soliloquy, and deals. But he does it alone. That's what he did last time with Milo anyway, and look where he was now. He always stresses for her to talk, he always takes care to listen to her, even when she doesn't want to. Especially then. She hates him for it. But she also doesn't know what she would do without it. She simply wants to repay that service is all. So she'll give him time alone. A good thirty seconds should do it.
Dan departs the doorway and does little to move his way down the corridor. He leans back, crashing his head soundlessly onto the wall. Lets out a stifled breath he hadn't even been aware of. He stares hazily at the opposing wall, less than metre away from him he'd fathom. The dull tightness of his surroundings seemed to encapsulate everything. He felt claustrophobic. Stuck in his body. Like his world was swallowing him up. Everything that bought warmth into his life was falling away from him. Milo. Blair. He only seemed to have a past or a heart shattering present that he was all to aware, what with the upcoming nuptials was soon to be just a memory. His future loomed ahead of him. And all he could do was just let it happen.
Blair watched as Dan closed eyed, slow breathing rubbed the back of his neck roughly, trying to relieve himself of what had just happened. She could read him. He could read her as well. As much as she hated to acknowledge it he kind of always had been able too. Even before they became what they had...become-he had held the ability. It was not all that difficult with her truthfully. All you needed to do was care enough to read between the lines. And somehow across the years in moments when she had needed it the most, it had been him. Dan Humphrey. He who had taken the just enough time to care and be there in a way no one else could. She was fully aware that these occurrences had become all the more frequent of late. She doesn't like to question why. Why when she is with him she finds a solace which she has struggled to search for as long as she could remember. How he had become her pillar. Why he is providing her with something she is yet to define and yet still she continues to be torn between Louis and Chuck. Because with both of those scenarios, both of those men she always loses something. Her will, her strength, herself. With Dan she has never been lost. She was never losing. No, she puts those thoughts away to the part of her brain she only ventures into in the darkness of a sleepless night. It has become an increasingly crowded area. It's where her 15 year old self lies strewn up, hair unkempt on her bathroom floor after retching up another meal. It's where she is alone surrounded by burnt out candles in a hotel room, distraught and grief stricken after finding out her first love lost his virginity to her best friend. It is her un-shedding of a dress, taking refuge in her shower for hours hoping to wash away the hotel incident from her skin, her body and never succeeding. It is facing herself in the mirror as she applies concealer to a cut cheek that is still yet to completely disappear. It is a book she is too fearful to know the true meaning behind. It's a car crash. It's touching her now flat stomach and feeling empty.
For a moment she loses herself. She turns back to Dan his position unchanged. Yes she could read Dan. It both delights and terrifies her in equal measure. That this thing they had was not a one way street. Mostly he was easy. He had nearly always been honest with her anyway. Apart from his dabble into literature this had always been the case. It is what set him apart from everyone else in her life. All except for ...something he had shown lately. Or maybe even since summer that she hadn't been able to put her finger on. It is in a look that he gives her ever more frequently. There is a fondness. His eyes exude warmth but was there also something else? Longing? Awe? No it couldn't be. Those would always belong to Serena.
She wants to break away from her thoughts, and break into his. Not they didn't have the potential to be just as unnerving. "Humphrey!" She comes off more terse than she intended, but he still looks at her with that look and a small upturn of his lips an she knows that it doesn't really matter.
"Blair?" his voice sounds scratchy as if he hasn't spoken in a longest time. He coughs noisily and straightens his posture.
"What is that thing on your head Humphrey?" Her brows knit together. Really he was taking the struggling artist thing to far.
Dan padded the top of his head as if to check that nothing had been added without his notice. Nope Blair was just mocking his hair. For some reason he liked that however complex their relati-freindship had become she still chastised him like they were in 11th grade. Except where malice once resided instead could be found a soft smile.
"Really you're taking the struggling writer thing far too seriously. I hope you don't expect to be turning up to my wedding in a similar fashion." Dan's smile dims considerably. It doesn't go unnoticed by Blair. Her tone softens as she presses on with her next point "You saw Milo?"
Dan glances back up towards her. How did she know? She must have seen them. Or heard them. He wants to ask her how much she had witnessed but instead "Yeah. He got big and-and cute. Well he was always cute-but that has been retained so to speak, y'know?" Blair smiled finding his stuttering endearing despite herself. "Pretty much all the proof you need that he is no blood relation of mine right?" He finishes letting out an empty chuckle.
"Hey that's my line" she retorts. He smiles like that's what he expected her to say. It niggles at her so much for some reason she takes the path rarely taken by her when it came to Humphrey. She doesn't look at him directly when she says "but I would suppose that it could be possible that some cute appeal could be found in a Humphrey if a Humphrey was to get a haircut-and eat a burger or two." She could feel the heat rise to her cheeks. They were still a couple of metres apart and she is unsure if he can register her change in shade. He better not gloat. If he even dares- she braves a look at him then. He has a grin, a real one. She coaxed that out of him. It is infuriating. She doesn't understand how along the way playing a part in his happiness started to feel like a victory. She sees that glint in his eyes again and a shade matching hers in his cheeks. Her mind cascades over recent memories and she suspects that he revels in her potential happiness just as much as she him. She turns her head back to the wall not wanting to linger on the realisation. "Are you okay? How did it-"
Dan lazily raises his shoulders interrupting "I'm fine, it was good. Nice. As nice as a run in with Georgina Sparks could be I guess-"
"Humphrey that is not what I meant," he won't look her in the eyes.
"Really Blair honestly. He was cute, Georgina was Georgina, nothings much has changed and I'm fi-"
"Dan," he can't help but look at her then. Her using his first name was still a rarity. She does not sound frustrated as you might expect, rather more beseeching with a dash of firmness that couldn't be ignored. She sensed his will breaking, so she smoothly glides further down the corridor towards him. He is quick to the uptake following suit. They meet halfway. Again leaning back on to their opposing walls slightly diagonal from one other.
"I-Blair I can't it's not fair." She raises her eyebrows questioning him. "To you. How can I go on about all this Milo stuff after everything you went through." Neither of them ever say it. Always the incident. Or 'what she went through'. She knows why she does it. Why he follows her lead. To not say it out loud means to not feel it in all its entirety. She has only let it happen once since. She had fallen apart, collapsed to a crumpled mess to the floor. Tears unrelenting. He had been there for her of course. Strong arms encompassing her. Keeping his promise 'You'll still have me." His unwavering presence piecing her back together. "It's just not anything to-how could I possibly-it wouldn't be fa-" His head was going in circles. He just couldn't go there with her. Succumb to his sadness of Milo. Milo was still here wasn't he. He had seen her hurt too many times now. As much as she put on a daily act of contentment, pain was etched across her face, in her words, the way she moved. He never wanted to be that for her. Cause her even a fraction of suffering.
"Would you stop?"Blair's face screwed up maddened by his sensitivity. His eyes widened dumbfounded by her reaction. He never knew where he was with her. Where a simple conversation would take him. It sometimes caused a headache - in the best possible way. He basked in her un-predictability. Always had. Even before he fell for her. "It is not up to you to decide what is fair and what isn't. Do you not think I can handle it? Do you think I'm so weak?"
She had been of course. He had seen her in her hospital bed. In that lonely corridor not dissimilar to this one all those years ago. At his apartment before the car crash. He had seen her at her lowest, yet when she was with him being weak didn't feel like something to be ashamed of. She was safe in the knowledge that he would never hold it against her Use it against her as a weapon of choice as it had been in the past. Her voice was becoming more shrill by the second "you are always there. When-even before we were-" the Humphrey stuttering was apparently contagious "I can handle it. I can. I don't like to be indebted to anyone Humphrey. Don't you dare lie to me. That's not our thing, it is not how we work. Don't act like it was nothing. You told me how much you cared about him, enough to want to adopt him even when you knew he wasn't yours. You're always there-so I want to-let me. Just stop with the Blair pity parade and sto-stop lying."She is almost breathless when she finishes. Her lip is quivering. He has never been more in love with her than right in that moment. She holds his gaze reaffirming what she just said. Hides them after a few seconds. Wonders if she had gone too far. Her vulnerability is penetrable. He knows he has to say something soon otherwise the walls will go up just as quickly as they fell down.
He sinks down to floor. Defeated. This time she follows him not wanting to be above him in any way. He speaks quietly, his throat still raw, "Seeing him today. It was strange. I had put all that stuff in this box" he hands shape a box absent mindedly "in the back of my brain. I thought I had dealt with it you know? But seeing him just now, I realised that I never really did. I never even wrote about him. I write about everything. Everything that is going on, everything that I'm feeling" His eyes flick over her "but never him. I thought if I didn't let myself think about it I wouldn't feel it." Blair nods understanding all to well. "It's stupid. But I thought it had worked, it had until today." His eyes raise to hers, she is imploring him to go on. To go further. He had anchored her for such a long time that some part of her had been concerned the exposure to his fragility may somehow hinder the position he had long-held in her life. Instead he just became that much stronger. He took care of her and was feeling all this too. Hiding it for her. She didn't listen to the thoughts telling her these were not the only feelings he was hiding. "It's not as if I want-I just think about the future I could have had. What could have been. It's pointless I know. Maybe it's just a sign, I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't right." He pauses feeling like he was treading over an unspoken line. "As much as it felt like it was at the time. It's just weird to think. He changed things for me. I would have, would still do anyth-" he lowers his tone almost inaudible. Eyes focused on his knees, hands fidgeting on top of them of their own accord,"and he doesn't even know who I am." He rubs his eyes, he is undoubtedly spent from the day, from everything.
Blair takes in the sight, glassy-eyed. Her body aches for him in ways she didn't know she was capable of. How he could he not get it? How could he think he wasn't meant to be a father? When all his actions proved otherwise. He always did what he thought was best for Milo. Didn't he understand that what good parenting was about? Even with her own parents questionable methods she knew. She wished she could think that she'd done the same herself. He embodies a nervous energy. His hands fervently tapping his knee caps. She feels intent upon reliving him of any form of anxiety. Hesitating slightly her hands reach for his. His body stills at her touch and she suddenly feels a wave a rejection however before she instinctively pulls away he clasps both of his hands around hers. She takes her free hand and rests it upon his. Using his knees she pulls her way forward, going towards his right side she positions her own legs somewhat awkwardly underneath his. She wasn't sure what she wanted to say. He was the writer not her. "Dan. Things with my mother may be good now, but I don't doubt for a minute that you probably did more for Milo in those three months than she did in my first sixteen years. And you're wrong by the way. Which shouldn't be surprising as it is such a common occurrence for you, but it doesn't make it any less true." His thumb runs up and down her lower hand. He knows this is no easy feat for her. He is more grateful for her words than she'll ever know. "It isn't a sign. Not for you anyway." Her grip tightens, she moves in even closer to him. Her perfume is cloudy and warm. "One day when the times right and everything comes into place, you are going to be the dad in the playground that all other kids wish was their own." She feels bolder in this proximity looking at him straight in the eye "I know you are." She adds, certain. His eyes are always so awash with emotion. No matter the circumstance. He doesn't have any tears but she feels like he would if he could. "Yeah and how are you so sure?"he is teasing her now but there is a hint of yearning laced in his question. "Because as has been established many a time I unlike you am always right" she smiles at him triumphantly, he smiles back. Victory again.
He often wonders at instances such as these whether this feeling would ever stop. Whether if he could, would he go back to the time when he was Lonely Boy and she was everything he hated about the UES. If his heart would ever stop breaking and mending simultaneously whenever he was in her vicinity. He could not foresee a time where he would not be in love with her. He was not naïve. He had his fair share of experience, he knew that love was not always an eternal thing never to be broken. He also knew that had to be her friend. Had to be there for her even if wasn't in the way he so desired. He couldn't not be in her world. Even if it meant remaining on the periphery. Which is why he could not see a way out of his intensity of feelings for her, because to truly know Blair Waldorf was to love her.
"It's true for you too as well you know." Blair raises her eyes. She had been scrutinising his hands, tracing the lines of his palms. They were unlike Chuck or Louis . Their hands habitually tended to by professionals. Years of graft and probably an incessant use of scribing had been ingrained into Humphrey's. They were more real, rougher. She found that she liked that. "I know you don't agree with me, but if you are wrong about just one thing it's that. You've spent so much of your life protecting the people who you care about. Serena, Chuck. No matter of the cost to yourself. That's unconditional love, that's what a mother does." a singular tear slides down Blair's cheek. "And one day in the future, when it is right, you are going to give that love to someone who does entirely deserve it. A little Waldorf. Or Grimaldi," she grimaces slightly at the mention of her fiancée's name "and it won't cost you a thing Blair." He gives her his most earnest smile. She loathes how utterly sincere he could be at times but right now she can't resist the glow that now radiates from her lips. He frees one of his hands and uses his thumb and forefinger to wipe away the remnants of her tear. She takes both of her hands and places them on his lower arm, fixing his hand on her cheek. He gives her that look again and regardless of what she thinks she knows and feels, she gives a look so similar in vain that Dan's heart unclenches slightly.
He leans his head forward, forehead resting on hers. Placing his other hand on her waist to steady himself. His eyes closed. He seems so at peace. He helps her feel brave enough that when she releases one hand and lightly traces the curls of his hair, along the indent of his finely defined cheekbones it doesn't feel like an intrusion. Eventually her hand finds refuge on his cheek. His forehead still on hers, he leans into her touch. Dan wants to take as much from this time as he can. He recognises that he might never be this close to her again. He has always believed that the heart was more than just blood pumping. It was something that had the potential to make you feel alive. Her soft dulcet breaths and the way his chest fastens as retort was proof of that. All the anguish in the world wouldn't be able to take that away from him. Or them. Unbeknownst to Dan his was not the only heartbeat in that confining corridor to quicken.
Abruptly the slam of a door close by attempts to rip them out of their private world. Dan impulsively opens his eyes, while Blair only clings tighter, digging her finger nails into his arm. Marks from her finger tips leave shadows for weeks after. Her eyes clenched, not wanting to let in the reality of out there. Firmly clinging on to the home she had found for at least a few seconds longer.
"Well, well what do we have here?" Georgina's particular drawl pierces through all that they had created in those last few minutes. Blair surrenders her grasp on Dan's arm and her eyes. They look at each other one more time, for less than a second. And then she is gone. Back to the fairytale. A sharp chill sweeps though the corridor once more.