"Who I Am?"
Chapter 1: Discovery
I hadn't expected the call to be this heart shattering. It broke my world- my life, for the time being, had stopped, as if an unknown presence had cruelly pressed pause. Things like this don't happen. Not to me. Not to my brother. It wasn't right. I still remember those days, filled with worry and such a heavy anticipation I couldn't sleep at night.
My stomach was always churning.
I remember the first day as if it had just happened. Like I had just finished watching this tragic movie. The morning I received that grueling call continues to fester deep in my mind.
It was a normal Saturday morning; I woke up with the suns harsh rays blazing against my eyelids. I had to pry my eyes open slowly, feeling the effects of a long Friday wearing on my aching appendages.
I felt a smile play across my face, and I grinned into it. No meeting today, I didn't have to go to Gakuen Academy- I could simply stay home, eat pancakes, and watch hockey. It was going to be one of those perfect days, where nothing could get in the way. I wouldn't have to hear the word, "Who?" spoken at all. What a voluptuous thought, but I was to make it happen.
A groan worked its way up and out of the back of my throat, and a yawn racked my body. I stretched my long, slender arms up over my head. The sleeve of my red shirt slipped down, but I paid it no heed. My pajamas consisted of a red t-shirt with a white maple leaf on the front, and black shorts. I also wore red socks that went all the way up to my knees.
Luckily it was only me and Kumajiku-er, Kumijuko… whatever his name is, so no one could criticize my certain attire. But, I suppose that's beside the point.
I slung my legs over the side of my bed, blinking sleep from my violet eyes. It felt as if I was hauling lead. I shakily stood, my legs trembling beneath me. "Gosh," I murmured to no one in particular, "I shouldn't have stayed at Prussia's house for so long last night. It really took its toll." My gaze flicked to the wooden nightstand, where thin, grey wired glasses neatly rested. Plucking them from their spot, I put them on their rightful place. Sitting comfortably on top of my nose.
Shuffling, I made my way into the living room, where scruffy hockey sticks sat up against a wall and, beside the TV, sat an answering machine with a phone resting atop it. The number one blinked in flashing red. I quirked a dirty blonde brow.
"A new message?" I queried. "How odd."
Prussia is the only one that really ever calls me, that or America asking for money or requesting to borrow something.
France may rarely call, but his Friday nights are normally so busy I doubt he'd have the time.
Slinking over to the couch, I plopped down and pressed the play button on the apparatus.
"One new message." The robotic voice droned in a melancholy tone. I listened intently, intrigued. The caller had a foreign voice that of which I did not recognize.
"Hello," The strange man began, and already my stomach began to twist into tight knots. I had a bad feeling in the pit of my belly. I kept listening.
"Matthew Williams, I am Dr. Vasquez. I'm calling to inform you that we're currently holding your brother, Alfred Foster Jones, in Room 189."
My heart immediately dropped to my stomach. I hadn't realized I was holding my breath until I finally had to let it out, but it came out shaky and unstable. What had happened? Is he alright? When did this Doctor call? Unanswered questions tumbled through my mind, discombobulating my weary subconscious. My blood ran positively cold. I worriedly scratched the back of my neck, feeling the hairs stand up on end. All drowsiness I had earlier was completely obliterated by my silent hysteria.
Feeling my chest constrict, I waited as he continued, "I sincerely apologize for the severe inconvenience."
Inconvenience? I wanted to scream. My brother is in the hospital! This is more than a stupid inconvenience- he could be dead for all I know!
My hands began to shake. I put them between my knees.
"I, also, wish to apologize for not being able to reach you. I shall discuss your brother's state with you once you arrive. Do try to be here as soon as possible. All that I can state at the moment is that he is converting in and out of consciousness. I haven't the desire to worry you further."
After that, he gave me the hospital name and address, and the number in case I wanted to call beforehand.
I couldn't believe what I had just heard. How could he not tell me Alfred's condition? I had a right to know. I leaned back against the sofa cushions, trying to gather my bearings. My heart hammered in my chest so fast I thought it would burst. All that I could vaguely hear with the thud in my ribcage and a slight buzzing in my ears.
Breakfast was forgotten. There was no way I could eat now- I would surely throw it all back up in a millisecond. My mind was a haunted fog. It was as if someone else had just heard that ground breaking message, not me. It was someone else's only brother in the hospital for God-only-knows what. Not my own. Alfred was fine, probably still asleep in his own bed, in his own room. Not some white room with fancy drapes and clean, immaculate sheets.
This was all merely a dream. Or, at least, that's what I kept telling myself. I had made a mantra of sorts. It's all a bad dream. This isn't real. He's fine. It's all a bad dream. This isn't real. He's fine.
But no matter how many times I told myself this, I knew better. This isn't a dream. This is real. He isn't fine. I had an obligation now, to go and see how he is.
Being a nation, I've never really had any religion. But if there was a God, I was praying to him that Alfred wasn't hurt. There wasn't time to call anyone. Hours went by, and I just sat with my head flooded with these horrible thoughts of what shape Alfred might be in, each idea worst than the last. Or, at least, it felt like hours. It could have simply been minutes, seconds even.
As if I had been shocked by the cushion beneath me I sprang up and ran into my bedroom, slamming the door open. I could barely hear the ear-splitting SMACK that it made when it harshly connected to the wall behind me. It did not matter.
The only thing on my mind was my only brother.
My hero.
Throwing open the closet door I grabbed the first pair of blue jeans I saw and yanked them on, not bothering to remove my wrinkled shorts. Time was going by too quickly. I had to get there. I should have been there last night, when the doctor initially called. Alfred needed me last night, not the day after.
I am such an idiot!
Last night, when my brother was in a wreck, had gotten beaten, or whatever had emitted him into the hospital occurred, I was at Prussia's house playing mindless, time wasting games, thinking of only myself. How selfish! How could I? What have I done?
I was already in the living room, frantically tying shoes that I knew wouldn't stay tied for more than five minutes.
Then, I was out the door.
Please.
I turned the keys in the ignition. I was on my way to a hospital that I had never been in before.
Please.
The roads stretched out endlessly in front of me. Where was it? It had to be close by now. I'd been driving for ever, seemingly.
Please be okay.
A single tear dripped from my cheek. I sniffled once and wiped the salty invader off with the back of my hand. I won't cry.
Not yet.
Please, Alfred.
I sped past cars. The world all around me was a blur. All that I could see was right in front of me.
Hospital, where are you?
Please. Please. Please.
A white building showed itself in the distance. I was so close, yet so far.
Please, don't be in pain.
Of course, I subconsciously thought, somewhat bitterly. The entire place was white, despite the yellow light shining through windows, or the sky blue of curtains blocking curious eyes.
Anyone who would gaze upon it would see white.
The fictional viewing of Heaven.
Nothing but white.
Please, no. No, no, no.
Finally, I parked my car. Though I did not open my door. I couldn't see- unshed tears blurred my vision. I didn't want to walk in that horrid place that reeks of bleach and disinfectant with red rimmed eyes and a tear stained face. I had to walk in there appearing strong. Confident.
If I didn't, then they would sugar coat Alfred's condition. They would butter it up as kindly as possible. I needed them to tell me the entire honesty, the whole truth. I couldn't stand for those judgmental doctors to sweeten it up "for my sake".
With a heavy heart and raised shoulders, I stepped out of the car and walked into the unknown.
Chapter 2: Unfair Reality