Title: The Most Pointless Lotr Christmas Carol Ever
Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the little bit of plot that's actually
in there. Sillyness all the way.
(A/N): Dedicated to Lauren. Merry Christmas! Don't worry. I'll actually
write something meaningful during the break!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It was the night before Christmas, and all through the world,
Not a fanfic author was stirring, their computers free of that gentle
"whirl".
Their foot-tall Christmas trees sat on their tables,
Reducing stories about some fat old geezer with a beard as old Christmas
fables.
The authors' bratty, younger siblings were still scurrying about,
Next to the fireplace, bats in hand, readying for the bout.
Christmas stockings, on their feet, cookie crumbles all over their hands
mouth and cuffs,.
They shout "Screw Santa! He's fat enough!"
But our story takes place in the house of fellow author Lauren,
Whom to holiday cheer she is completely foreign.
Tired and disheveled, her head falls on her computer desk,
Grumbling about the "Commercialization" of holidays, keeping her from
getting more rest.
But what she didn't know was that while Santa Claus didn't exist,
Instead it was the characters of Tolkien that presented us with gifts!
With Aragorn as Santa and Arwen as Mrs. Kringle,
Legolas with bells on his shoes, giving a light jingle.
Not even death could slow these good doers down, fore those included,
Were Boromir and Haldir, hotter than ever, with death eluded.
And the lords of the Shire wouldn't dare dream of missing this night,
Especially Pippin, who was told by Elrond that there were cookies in his
foresight.
When on the lawn, Lauren heard a loud crash,
She rushed to her closet, panicked and brash.
Angered and scared she fished around and finally uncovered,
Her handy stun gun that her brother could tell ya hurt like a mother
f*****!
What she didn't see was the sight of Aragorn manning a sleigh,
Carried by various LotR characters, each tired from the long night and day.
Jolly and in high spirits Aragorn snapped his reigns and ignored their each
curse
Instead he shouted each name, rhyming in their own little verse!
"Now Pippin, Now Merry, Now Samwise and Boromir,
On Frodo, on Legolas, on Haldir and Eomer!
To the top of the roof, Go! We have no time to spare!
Anyone who doesn't listen can expect to find my foot up their derrière!"
In the sleigh with Aragorn, dressed completely in white.
Were Gandalf and Saruman, refusing to fight, on this holiest of nights.
Brothers of the Maiar, together again, but no need to fret,
I meant no slashy implications, they just wanted to sing their duet!
As Aragorn strutted to the chimney, proud the shots were his to call,
Legolas took this chance to hit him in the back of the head with a
snowball.
Indignant, Aragorn whirled around to find the culprit,
But instead he was greeted by innocent whistles and no one to hit!
Sighing, he turned around again, and slid down the chimney light and quick,
But was given a rude welcome once again, when he discovered the fireplace
was still lit!
Screaming and wailing Aragorn ran out of the house,
The snow as he hit it turning into water in which he used on the fires to
douse.
Still on top of the roof, his elven helpers laughed,
The Hobbit helpers snickered and the lords of Men blanched.
"Valar help us, he is the King of Men! Doomed are we all!
Is it troubling that his latest scare reminded me of my father, Denethor?"
Hearing the manly shriek, Lauren flew down the stairs,
Finding that the LotR characters were now sitting in her beanbag chairs.
"Hello and Merry Christmas!" Eomer greeted, sorry the moment said it,
Fore the stun gun shock to the center of his chest made Lauren's anger
blatant.
"Who the Hell are you!? And why are you in my flat!?
Why are you dressed like LotR characters?! Don't make me get my bat!"
Slow and steady, Legolas approached the young woman,
Sexy smirk and blue eyes his hair seemed to be glowing.
Unimpressed, Lauren pushed the elf outta the way, to stare at her
obsession.
Mere feet away was Haldir, giving Legolas' shocked face his most amused
expression.
"At least we know the girl has taste." Haldir boasted.
As Lauren snapped out of her reverie and realized she was still hosting.
Through Haldir's presence, her attitude was completely renewed,
"Where are my manners!" she exclaimed. "We shouldn't feud!"
And so the party began as Lauren latched onto Haldir with all her might,
Pippin stood there in a daze as he realized that the eggnog came in pints!
Carefully Boromir peeked at Lauren's wrapped gifts,
While Merry and Pippin mistakenly found something that they believed to be
pipeweed and each took hits.
(A/N: Neither myself nor Lauren know how that got in her place.*Insert
nervous laughter*)
Eomer sat in front of the fire, still slightly twitching,
And Legolas, still depressed about being spurned sat, pouting and
sniffling.
Samwise, in the spirit of giving, gave Frodo an engagement ring,
Frodo jumped up and down excitedly, when Sam revealed the bling.
Happy for them, Gandalf and Saruman began to sing all night long,
But soon they sang "It's Raining Men" running out of Christmas songs.
Eomer and Boromir proposed that they take their leave, trying to seem
aloof,
Especially after overhearing Legolas and Haldir's plans to act out the song
by throwing them off the roof.
They were all set to go, except Haldir who wasn't up to his usual speed,
Aragorn suspected it was due to Lauren being attached to his right knee.
"Fool of a Fangril!" Gandalf shouted,
Then "El Ka-Bonged" her with his staff and Lauren's mind clouded.
Few hours later it was Christmas Day, although outside it was still dark,
Lauren found herself cuddled up in bed as she awoke with a start.
She felt around and found her Tolkien books on the bed.
The realization that it was only a dream filling her with dread.
Wobbling down the stairs, she turned on Conan 'O Brien,
And plopped down on the couch with Goobers in hand sighing.
As Conan danced around, pretending on his pants there were strings,
Out of the corner of her eye Lauren saw something stirring.
She rushed to her small tree and with bright eyes she could see,
A large wrapped gift, signed 'From: Middle Earth. To: Haldir's lovesick
groupie!'
Excited an giddy, Lauren unwrapped her present,
It took all her will power not to faint, the sight before her so pleasant.
Before her stood her own life-size "Haldir Model" complete with sexy smirk
and demanding power,
And even an alternative attire, his dazzling armor form the Two Towers!
Haldir's eyes ever-open eyes focused and Lauren smirked at his grin,
Lauren's eyes brightened and then she drawled, "Ironic how on this holiest
of holidays, I'm about to sin."
Hearing bells up above Haldir and Lauren ran to her window to see the
sleigh in mid-flight,
"Merry Christmas to all!" Aragorn yelled. "And to all a goodnight!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!!
Love,
DiMaia
Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the little bit of plot that's actually
in there. Sillyness all the way.
(A/N): Dedicated to Lauren. Merry Christmas! Don't worry. I'll actually
write something meaningful during the break!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It was the night before Christmas, and all through the world,
Not a fanfic author was stirring, their computers free of that gentle
"whirl".
Their foot-tall Christmas trees sat on their tables,
Reducing stories about some fat old geezer with a beard as old Christmas
fables.
The authors' bratty, younger siblings were still scurrying about,
Next to the fireplace, bats in hand, readying for the bout.
Christmas stockings, on their feet, cookie crumbles all over their hands
mouth and cuffs,.
They shout "Screw Santa! He's fat enough!"
But our story takes place in the house of fellow author Lauren,
Whom to holiday cheer she is completely foreign.
Tired and disheveled, her head falls on her computer desk,
Grumbling about the "Commercialization" of holidays, keeping her from
getting more rest.
But what she didn't know was that while Santa Claus didn't exist,
Instead it was the characters of Tolkien that presented us with gifts!
With Aragorn as Santa and Arwen as Mrs. Kringle,
Legolas with bells on his shoes, giving a light jingle.
Not even death could slow these good doers down, fore those included,
Were Boromir and Haldir, hotter than ever, with death eluded.
And the lords of the Shire wouldn't dare dream of missing this night,
Especially Pippin, who was told by Elrond that there were cookies in his
foresight.
When on the lawn, Lauren heard a loud crash,
She rushed to her closet, panicked and brash.
Angered and scared she fished around and finally uncovered,
Her handy stun gun that her brother could tell ya hurt like a mother
f*****!
What she didn't see was the sight of Aragorn manning a sleigh,
Carried by various LotR characters, each tired from the long night and day.
Jolly and in high spirits Aragorn snapped his reigns and ignored their each
curse
Instead he shouted each name, rhyming in their own little verse!
"Now Pippin, Now Merry, Now Samwise and Boromir,
On Frodo, on Legolas, on Haldir and Eomer!
To the top of the roof, Go! We have no time to spare!
Anyone who doesn't listen can expect to find my foot up their derrière!"
In the sleigh with Aragorn, dressed completely in white.
Were Gandalf and Saruman, refusing to fight, on this holiest of nights.
Brothers of the Maiar, together again, but no need to fret,
I meant no slashy implications, they just wanted to sing their duet!
As Aragorn strutted to the chimney, proud the shots were his to call,
Legolas took this chance to hit him in the back of the head with a
snowball.
Indignant, Aragorn whirled around to find the culprit,
But instead he was greeted by innocent whistles and no one to hit!
Sighing, he turned around again, and slid down the chimney light and quick,
But was given a rude welcome once again, when he discovered the fireplace
was still lit!
Screaming and wailing Aragorn ran out of the house,
The snow as he hit it turning into water in which he used on the fires to
douse.
Still on top of the roof, his elven helpers laughed,
The Hobbit helpers snickered and the lords of Men blanched.
"Valar help us, he is the King of Men! Doomed are we all!
Is it troubling that his latest scare reminded me of my father, Denethor?"
Hearing the manly shriek, Lauren flew down the stairs,
Finding that the LotR characters were now sitting in her beanbag chairs.
"Hello and Merry Christmas!" Eomer greeted, sorry the moment said it,
Fore the stun gun shock to the center of his chest made Lauren's anger
blatant.
"Who the Hell are you!? And why are you in my flat!?
Why are you dressed like LotR characters?! Don't make me get my bat!"
Slow and steady, Legolas approached the young woman,
Sexy smirk and blue eyes his hair seemed to be glowing.
Unimpressed, Lauren pushed the elf outta the way, to stare at her
obsession.
Mere feet away was Haldir, giving Legolas' shocked face his most amused
expression.
"At least we know the girl has taste." Haldir boasted.
As Lauren snapped out of her reverie and realized she was still hosting.
Through Haldir's presence, her attitude was completely renewed,
"Where are my manners!" she exclaimed. "We shouldn't feud!"
And so the party began as Lauren latched onto Haldir with all her might,
Pippin stood there in a daze as he realized that the eggnog came in pints!
Carefully Boromir peeked at Lauren's wrapped gifts,
While Merry and Pippin mistakenly found something that they believed to be
pipeweed and each took hits.
(A/N: Neither myself nor Lauren know how that got in her place.*Insert
nervous laughter*)
Eomer sat in front of the fire, still slightly twitching,
And Legolas, still depressed about being spurned sat, pouting and
sniffling.
Samwise, in the spirit of giving, gave Frodo an engagement ring,
Frodo jumped up and down excitedly, when Sam revealed the bling.
Happy for them, Gandalf and Saruman began to sing all night long,
But soon they sang "It's Raining Men" running out of Christmas songs.
Eomer and Boromir proposed that they take their leave, trying to seem
aloof,
Especially after overhearing Legolas and Haldir's plans to act out the song
by throwing them off the roof.
They were all set to go, except Haldir who wasn't up to his usual speed,
Aragorn suspected it was due to Lauren being attached to his right knee.
"Fool of a Fangril!" Gandalf shouted,
Then "El Ka-Bonged" her with his staff and Lauren's mind clouded.
Few hours later it was Christmas Day, although outside it was still dark,
Lauren found herself cuddled up in bed as she awoke with a start.
She felt around and found her Tolkien books on the bed.
The realization that it was only a dream filling her with dread.
Wobbling down the stairs, she turned on Conan 'O Brien,
And plopped down on the couch with Goobers in hand sighing.
As Conan danced around, pretending on his pants there were strings,
Out of the corner of her eye Lauren saw something stirring.
She rushed to her small tree and with bright eyes she could see,
A large wrapped gift, signed 'From: Middle Earth. To: Haldir's lovesick
groupie!'
Excited an giddy, Lauren unwrapped her present,
It took all her will power not to faint, the sight before her so pleasant.
Before her stood her own life-size "Haldir Model" complete with sexy smirk
and demanding power,
And even an alternative attire, his dazzling armor form the Two Towers!
Haldir's eyes ever-open eyes focused and Lauren smirked at his grin,
Lauren's eyes brightened and then she drawled, "Ironic how on this holiest
of holidays, I'm about to sin."
Hearing bells up above Haldir and Lauren ran to her window to see the
sleigh in mid-flight,
"Merry Christmas to all!" Aragorn yelled. "And to all a goodnight!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!!
Love,
DiMaia