Well, I know I should be working on my other stories; I just had to get this down. Though somewhat personal, I mixed this into a TT fic. Kinda eases my pain a bit. *takes a deep breath* whoa. Getting too personal. Anyway, this is a Beast BoyxRavenxTerra story. I know, way overdone, but these are the only characters I could think of that would work… Inspiration of this fic goes to the song 'Trains' by the band Porcupine Tree. You should listen to this song while reading this. I think it kind of does well to add to the feeling of Raven's inner monologue.

Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans in any way nor do I own any songs I may or may not use. Just saying :p

The Fine Art of Lying

"I'll be back later." He smiled and kissed my cheek, then ran out of my room with that idiotic grin of his. I tried to smile back, I wanted to smile back, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. So, I settled for a simple nod and turned away to start my meditation again. My emotions were being a bit to forward for my tastes recently.

I take a deep breath and release it, ready to begin. "Azarath…Metrion…Zinthos…" Breathe in…Breathe out… Don't think about him…Don't think about her...Be strong, Raven…Be strong…Don't think about how happy he probably is with her…Don't think about it…Don't think about how she'll probably kiss him at the end of their night… Damn it I said don't think about it! My eyes fly open and I feel a small scowl stretch across my face, and a dull ache resonates in my stomach.

Looking down at my crossed legs I hold back a heavy sigh. Despite all my efforts, no matter how much I meditate the pain that seems to be constantly captivate my chest throbs immensely. In the darkness of my room I look behind me at the framed picture lying on my pillow. Tentatively I reach out and fold my hand around the cool metal encasing one of my most prized possessions. A smiling Beast Boy stares up at me with emerald green eyes coupled with the image of myself standing almost awkwardly next to him with a very slight smile.

I hug the captured moment to my chest and allow myself another slight smile mirroring the picture. To this day it amazes me to realize how much I really do care for him. Now to the point of where it hurts to think of him because I know he's out with Terra, to think of them being together, making each other smile and laugh. It…Hurts…

He knows how I feel… and he says he feels the same. But, that he's with Terra, and he can't leave her just now. That she's still shook up from her past. Inside I know it's a lie, but outside I smile and turn a blind eye. He says he doesn't really love her. He only really loves me. Somehow, knowing that makes the pain that much worse.

'You don't mind, do you?' I remember him asking. 'No.' I had replied to him with a fake smile. 'It makes you happy, right? If it makes you happy I don't mind.' He had smiled at that and, like he always did, kissed my cheek and left the room.

Holding back another sigh, I slip the picture underneath my pillow and stand to leave for the roof. I take the small purple music device Beast Boy had gotten me for a Christmas gift and head for my door when I hear something. A giggle.

With a frown in place I open the door slightly against my better judgment and peer out into the hallway. In my line of vision I see what I know I'll never be able to forget. The one moment I always feared of catching.

Down the hall in front of his room I watched with stinging eyes as they kissed.

Not just once either. But, several times. Frozen to the spot I watched as they moved backwards towards his room and fall through the open doorway.

The pain in my chest grew. It grew to the point where I was gasping and leaning against my now closed door doing my best to hold back the wracking sobs threatening to leave my body. It's okay… it's okay… it makes him happy… it makes them both happy…

I slide to the floor and wrap my arms around myself. I knew they both deserved to be happy with one another. I knew it… I just couldn't accept it.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I stand and manage to walk to my bed.

Suddenly the thought of a trip to the roof didn't sound so appealing.

I curl into a ball and stare at the windows not really looking outside. I keep seeing the same image of the two embracing and takes all of my will power to not scream into my pillow.

I recite my mantra to try and calm myself. It works to a certain extent, but it isn't long before I break.

Turning my head to the side I sob into my pillow. It's too much for me. Months of nurturing a close friendship and trying so desperately to have no feelings whatsoever towards him finally break and crumble after weeks and weeks of cracking.

Sobs rip through my chest violently and I shake from sheer pain. In my head, my emotions run amuck, and in a sense of panic stricken confusion.

I take deep breaths only to cry out once more. It's difficult to say the least to keep everything inside when it's all coming down.

Hours pass, and my eyes are dry. I stare at my ceiling and think about the tiny bumps that covers the vast space. When I was younger I imagined the bumps as a secret map to the many treasures the world held. Now that I'm older I stare at the bumps and consider to actually be a map of guidance if you will. Looking up at them I think, 'What now?'

Breathing deeply I put in my headphones and press the 'on' button. I continue to consult the ceiling bumps as music begins to bleed through the miniature speakers and I mutter the lyrics. It's my own way of 'singing along'.

I told him I wouldn't mind. It was a lie. A countless, twisted lie, and on the inside it'd make me want to hate him. Anything to rid me of the ache I feel. I close my eyes and sigh.

It will never be okay. No matter what I say, it will never be okay.

I know I do love him. I know I do, and she…she's become like that of a sister to me. But, is it worth this? This pain to chase after something I can never really have?

There's a knock at my door.

"Raven? It's me."

I can hear his voice over the music, but for once I keep my gaze on the ceiling and turn the volume up.

You don't define me.

My eyes drift shut, and that small smile comes back to my face.

'And every, everything isn't only
What it seemed so hold these
Words that you never told me
Its time to say goodbye
Its time to say goodbye
Its time to say goodbye
Goodbye'

That was interesting. Sorry if it seemed incredibly dull. It just sprung up and I needed to put it down. Uhm, review please and thank you. Have a nice day, and remember no one defines you. ;D

Arrive Alive,

Table for Two