"Mom, dad... I'm gay."
"This may come across as a shock to both of you, but..."

I take a deep breath and sighed.

This is definitely not going to turn out well.

My hair sticks to my forehead with sweat, and I hurriedly wipe it away. I stare at myself in the mirror and shook my head. My hands are shaking, my arms are shaking, my whole body feels as if I was shivering.
If I hadn't known any better, I would've assumed I was getting a panic attack.

But I do know better and I know I'm freaking out for no apparent reason.

The door's locked, I'm stuck in the bathroom upstairs, and my parents are out for a romantic dinner tonight. An emphasis on the romance part, especially with my father.

I whisper the words out loud, slowly and carefully. Even if they were here and if they were upstairs, it would be almost impossible to hear what I had just said - even if my dad had his ears attached to the door. Which, sadly, he has done before.

"I'm gay and I hope you guys realize how hard it is for me to say this," I look intently at the sink, my hands gripping the edge of the countertop, "I... I just don't want to disappoint you."

I suddenly pulled back and kick the wall, frustrated with myself.

Dear lord, it would've been so much easier if I had just been straight. Or if I could've just pretended to be with Wendy until, like, we got married and had kids and died and shit.
I could never do that to her though, she's been one of my best friends since elementary. Even though we were notorious for being on again, off again. She's been there for me, helped me with some fucking tough shit. So has Kyle...

Fuck me.

Kyle's been there for everything. From Sparky's death, to mom and dad's temporary second divorce... He's been a constant in my life. I can't even picture how fucked up everything would be without him. He's my best friend.
Lately, it seemed, he's been pulling a bit back from me. It tends to happen whenever he's focused on his schoolwork immensely. His mom made him take four AP classes and he's the co-captain of the debate team along with Cartman so he's automatically busy almost 24/7. Sometimes he's able to make a bit of room for me - go to my games, hang out, sleepovers - but it seems like he just doesn't have the time.

Most normal people would assume that they're just busy. Most normal people wouldn't automatically think that their best friend of, what, at least twelve years wouldn't hate them on a whim.
Most normal people don't have massive crush on their best friend.

Look, I've known I was gay since eighth grade. Maybe around the middle or end of it. I never truly liked Wendy in a romantic way, at least from what I can remember. I love being her friend and I've always cared about her it's just, well... To be blunt... I never wanted to have sex with her. Bebe and Clyde were starting to have sex at that time, and Kenny - well, it's Kenny. Just a lot of people were starting to do sexual shit and even Wendy wanted to try it. The whole sex thing.

I think she realized I wasn't into it around the end of eighth grade when she wanted to try some random shit I can't remember right now that Bebe told her about. That was the night I came out to her. We were at her house - her bra was off, my pants were off... I sat there for an hour and cried, telling her about my whole gayness and that I was so sorry I didn't like her like she liked me.
At first, I'm sure Wendy was crushed. I felt awful telling her about it. I still do when I reflect back on it. But she's a good friend and she rubbed my back and we put back on our clothes and she let me just sob for hours and hours about it.

I've always been worried about it. I'd be even more of the black sheep in the family than I already am. Everyone knows how pro gay rights and pro animal rights I've been since in, what, elementary school. Jimbo and Ned stopped asking me on their hunting trips years ago when I started sobbing when I wounded a deer. (It turned out to be okay, though. I had my first aid kit with me and I think that's when they realized I was such a huge pussy.) Picture how they'd feel if I came out to be gay. They might even stop talking to mom and dad. Dad probably would hate that.
Another thing I'm fucking stressed about is, like, what the hell would coming out mean to my football team? I'm the apparent 'star quarterback' and sports is all I know. Half of my team is homophobic and would give me constant shit about it everyday. Especially in the locker rooms... Oh god, fuck that noise. Anyways, I'm pretty sure my football team is the only reason why a lot of my family still bothers with me. Sometimes the only person I feel truly cares about me, with or without football, is mom. Shelley too but she moved out for college three years ago. She still comes back for holidays though. She still teases me and Kyle without care.

Oh right, Kyle.

I've liked Kyle always. He's my super best friend and there's nothing I wouldn't do for him. Even though we're so different now that we're older, I still feel like we're close. I hope we are. It'd kill me if he didn't feel the same way. Well, at least about our friendship.
I know I'm super gay but Kyle and I just don't talk about that shit. I'd probably tell him if he'd asked. About the gayness, not about my dumb crush. When I first learned I was gay, it wasn't as if it was because of him. But hell, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't him that made me a hundred percent sure of my new found sexuality. I just spent more time with him and, fuck, I realized how much I really liked him.

Really like him.
Really love him?
...I don't goddamn know.

"I'm gay and I don't care how you guys feel about it because you should fucking love me no matter what kind shit I do!" I yell, frustrated. I unlock the door and rush to my room. I slam the door behind me because I can and I'm alone and I all but flop down onto my bed.

My phone lies next to me and I can see the light blinking constantly. I don't really feel like answering it though, it's probably either my parents (mom) asking how I am or Kenny sending me random ass shit. He's been doing that since he bought himself a fancy new old flip phone.

I throw my pillow up into the air and it lands on my face. I sit in this position for a moment, stretched out and groaning.
I keep hearing my phone's notification sounds going on and off again like a police alarm, but I'm too lazy to look at it.

Whoever's messaging me, please, lay off. Let me have my complete mental breakdown in private.

And suddenly someone's calling me and I know something serious has gotta be happening or someone's just bored as hell, so I lazily get up and grab my phone. I answer it without even bothering to check who's calling. It's probably my mom worried out of her mind. Or Cartman making up some new scheme to piss off Kyle or hurt Butters.

"Hello?" I say, more tired sounding than I wished for.
"Stan?" And suddenly I'm more alert, it's Kyle's voice and I try to stop the automatic smile that happens whenever I heart it, "Are you okay? You sound tired."
I cough a bit, not really on purpose but more to get the groggy sound out of my throat, "Hey, Kyle," real smooth, "Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. I, um, what's up?"
Kyle laughs a bit and it's a sweet sound, "Dude, you are not okay. But hey, did you get any of the messages I sent you? I sent you a fuck ton and if you were ignoring them I'm punching you next time I see you."

1. Kyle's well known for his punches as he's beaten up almost everyone at the school multiple times. He's a scrawny kid but damn can he throw a punch. Don't ever piss off Kyle or try to side with Cartman. Like, ever. (You know you were wrong that one time, Stan.)
And 2. this answers the question of who was texting me. I feel a bit bad now, knowing it was Kyle. I would feel bad if it turned out to be mom but...

"Dude, sorry. I've been spacing out a lot today," I sigh.
"You can be such a total goddamn space cadet," Kyle laughs again and I smile knowing that it's me who's making him laugh. Albeit indirectly and maybe not for the exact right reasons, "Anyways. Like. Are you busy?"
It's my turn to laugh, but it ends up to be an ugly snort I feel self-conscious about immediately, "You know me, the busy body."

Kyle seems confused on how to respond and I smile, "Dude, I'm kidding. Of course I'm free. Mom and dad are out on a date right now even. Finally got the house to myself for once."
"Randy trusted you alone with the house?"
"I feel as if I should take offense to that."
"You should."
"That was one time."
"One time where you burnt down your kitchen?"

One time in sophomore year my parents decided to spend the weekend down in Denver and Shelley had just barely moved down to NSC a few months ago. It was the first time I had ever been truly home alone. So, like a dumbass little kid, I threw a huge party. There was probably all the teens in the high school plus maybe even some adults. I was too wasted to even know if my friends were still there. Kyle was, obviously, but later on he told me that he just spent the whole night in my room.
Shelia Broflovski actually called my parents and apparently they were right outside the house when the kitchen went aflame. Some kid was trying to impress Red by making pancakes and put scotch in 'em. I'd say it served him right, trying to bang an out lesbian (it's disrespectful as fuck), but it was at my house and I was the one who got the knife for it.

I woke up the next night with the worst hangover in my life and an earful of yelling. After that, well, it took them this long to trust me alone again. By this long I mean the middle of senior year right before Christmas. At least they trust me again. Kinda. They're still down in good old fucking South Park.

Knowing my mom, I'm surprised we haven't moved yet. She hates this town almost as much as Kyle hates Cartman.

"Dude, it wasn't even me who burnt it down."
"Yeah... But still."

I hear Kyle rustling in the background for a moment and I assume he's trying to figure out what to say next, which is uncharacteristic of him and I start to worry a bit, "Stan?"
"Kyle?"
"Can I, like, hang out?" He sounds nervous and I think he realizes he sounds that way because he coughs and stammers out his next sentence quickly, "I mean, mom's being mom and Ike's watching Pewdiepie constantly like usual, I'm bored as hell and like you're my best friend and I wanna hang out."

I can't help it - I laugh till my sides hurt. I can tell Kyle's pouting on the other side but he waits until I say something.

"Dude, dude," I say in between laughs, starting to slow down a bit, "You don't have to make excuses. You're my best friend too and I always want to hang out with you." Shit. That does not. Sound weird. (It does.)
 Kyle sighs, "Sorry, I feel nervous... Not for anything in particular just a nervous feeling in general. I don't know why."
"Don't be nervous. At least, not in front of me," I'd give him a hug right now if he were here, it sounds like he needs it and now I can't wait until he comes over so at least I can do something to help him even if it's minuscule.
"School's just shit," Kyle makes an awkward fake laugh.

My palms are sweaty and I wipe them on my pants, "Well, come over I guess. I'm doing nothing. I'm bored, Kyle. Don't make me whine for you to come over here quickly as possible."
"Alright, alright," Kyle laughs and this time I know it's true, "I'm putting on my coat right now. I'll be home in a little bit."
"Hell yes, dude, I miss you."
"You miss me? I saw you like less than 24 hours ago."
"I know. Is that so wrong?"
"...I miss you too."
"I know you do."

We both laugh for a minute and it's a nice moment even though it doesn't feel the same way it does for Kyle as it does for me.

"See you in a little while?" I end up asking, my face starting to blush.
"See you in a little while."

Kyle hangs up and I lay back on my bed and take a deep breath. I put the hand with my phone in it to my chest. My face turns more red as I think about the past conversation. (It's happened since we were younger. I'm used to it. Kind of.)
I feel it burn as I remember one specific detail.

I'll be home in a little bit.

Did Kyle mean that as a joke or did he mean it literally? Did he even realize he said it?

I stare at the ceiling as my emotions start to get more and more confused and I feel like screaming in confusion.

Kyle, if the slightest chance you meant that literally, I... I think of you like my real home too.
Ugh, fuck. Of course he doesn't mean that literally. He's your best friend and not everyone is such a gaywad like you, Stan.

Even if he was gay (I'm pretty sure he's not) he still probably wouldn't go for me. I'm, well, Stan. He's, well, Kyle.
I don't think I'd make a good enough boyfriend for him anyways.

I don't think I'd make a good enough boyfriend for anyone, really.

It's been about an hour since Kyle's called me and I start to wonder where he is. I'm not worried though, I have no reason to be... Maybe I'm a little worried but it's in my mother's genes.

Shelia's probably giving him shit right now for doing something. She's nice, but like neurotic. The last thing you'd wish for is to get on her bad side. She called war upon Canada cause all of us were swearing. Jesus.

I sit on the couch for what only feels like a few minutes when I hear knocking on the front door. I get up and try to contain my nervousness before I open the door.
Hopefully I look okay. (And you wondered how I was so sure I was gay, huh?)

Kyle looks at me impatiently. He wears his old green ushanka which doesn't cover up all his hair anymore, his red curls are out in the front. His jacket is on, the orange and green one, and as well as a simple white tee shirt. He started liking, for God knows why, skinny jeans around 8th grade and his beaten up combat boots are on.
It's Kyle. The same Kyle I've known since birth and I try to contain a smile whenever I see him, but it hardly works out.

His arms are crossed and he looks upset, "Hey, dude."
He sounds upset.

I let him in and he promptly takes off his jacket and jumps down on the couch and takes a huge sigh. I close the door behind me and walk towards him.
"Hey, you okay?" I frown and take a seat next to him.

He smells like the cologne Ike bought him for Hanukkah this year and it smells really fucking good. He looks at me and shakes his head.

"I've been better, I guess."
My heart starts beating faster in worry and I want to know what happened or if anything happened but I don't want to push him, "Did... Did anything happen?"

He takes a moment to respond, unlacing his boots and putting his legs on the couch, on top of mine, "Shelia happened."
I try to smile awkwardly at him to uplift the mood but he seems stressed, "Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Yeah, yeah," He starts really quiet, "It's just... It's just..."

"It's just that, like," He takes a really shaky breath and I want to hold him so bad but I refrain and pat his shin weirdly (Why am I so awkward, like what the fuck?), "If. If I tell you, I don't want anything to be weird between us."

"Of course not," I smile and he finally laughs and I feel so fucking accomplished it's ridiculous.
He takes off his hat and runs a hand through his hair, putting his hat down onto his lap, "I was gonna ask if we could have a sleepover tonight... But, like, it might be weird if I ask after I tell you."
"Dude," I look at him seriously, "You're always welcomed here. No matter what."

Kyle smiles shyly, "Look, so, like. You know how my mom's super religious and shit? And she's really goddamn conservative?"
"Of course, but where is this going?"

His eyes look into mine and I can tell immediately he's nervous, "Mom was talking with dad and Ike during dinner about this homosexual couple she apparently saw at Tweek's coffee."
"Was it Tweek and Craig?"
"Most likely."

"Anyways," he continues, "She was talking about how disgusting it was and like how 'she didn't care if they were gay but she didn't want to see that kind of public indecency'. Then she started talking about how gay marriage is corrupting society and gay TV programs are corrupting our children more than Terrance and Phillip ever did and she ought to go down to the TV station again and make them take it off the air - like, all of the gay programs."
"Then Ike got pissed because, like, you know how he was in Denver's gay pride parade with his friend last year and shit," he takes a huge sigh, "So mom and Ike started fighting but me and dad kept out of it like usual but then mom said the most fucking dumbass shit I've ever heard her say in my life."

He starts imitating Shelia's voice, "'You've seen what gay people have done to corrupt our children, Gerald!'She was like trying to get dad into it but neither him or I wanted to deal with her shit, so anyways 'You know that McCormick child!'"
"And I got really mad for obvious reasons and I was like what the fuck about Kenny, mom?"

I stay silent but I can tell Kyle's pissed and I put my hand on his shoulder gently, he puts his feet back down on the ground and faces towards me, looking me in the eyes.

"'Do not speak to me in that language, young man!'" Kyle continues, wiping his hands on his pants quickly, "'And you know Kenny McCormick is as good as any gay man could ever be! He's white trash, Bubbah, and he's not going anywhere out of South Park. It breaks my heart to say that about one of your friends but I need to tell you the truth!'"
"Holy shit, dude," I frown, "Did she fucking say that - for real? Sure, Kenny's gay but it's not like it makes him worse than you or me. He's probably got better grades than I do for one, and second - did your mom really fucking say that because that's some fucked up shit. I understand why you're mad about that."

Kyle groans, "So I'm really frustrated and I want to punch something so I finally just start yelling like that Kenny's a really good person and he's one of my best friends, 'cause he is. And that I was literally going to walk out of the house and leave if she ever insulted anyone like that again. She's super pissed at me too and is like, trying to tell me that all gay people are fucked up and they're going to hell."

He doesn't look in me in the eye when he says this next part, "And I'm close to crying, you know how I can be such a fucking baby sometimes, right? I finally just look at her in the eye and say 'Well, mom, try telling your gay son that he's so wrong in who he loves and that he's going to hell!'. At least it finally shut her up, huh? I walked out of the house and grabbed my coat after a minute because I just needed to get the fuck out of there and I'm just really glad I had called you before."

"Kyle, I-" I embrace him quickly and I hold him for a moment. I can feel him shaking and he embraces me back. It's only a few moments before he starts sobbing.

"Stan," he chokes between sobs, "I-I just don't want my mom to hate me."

"She doesn't hate you, Kyle," it hurts me to see my best friend like this, and I just pet his hair while he cries on my shoulder, "She doesn't understand yet. It's okay, it's okay."

I feel his tears seep through my shirt, "What if she never understands?"
"We can make her."
"What if we can't?"

"...Then you're always welcomed here, okay?"

He doesn't say anything but he nods.

"Kyle," I start slowly, "Do you want something to drink?"
He looks at me, his eyes red and puffy, "Yeah, yeah..."
"What do you want?"
"Do you guys have hot cocoa?"
"Sure thing."

I walk into the kitchen quickly and hurriedly put some water on the burner. Kyle just stopped crying a few minutes ago and I just realize we had been sitting on the couch like that for over an hour. It's almost eleven.

I grab the hot cocoa mix, two cups, and put it all on the counter.

Looking over my shoulder, Kyle sits there and finally I hear him groan loudly.

"What?"
"I forgot my goddamn phone."
"Do you need one?"
"I should at least text Ike and tell him I'm okay."
"Mine's upstairs on my bed."
"Thanks."
"No problem."

He gets up off the couch and starts walking upstairs and I finally take a deep breath.

Shelia... Shelia can be a quite a bitch sometimes. I know she has the best for Ike and Kyle in her head but it comes across as awful sometimes. This is the only time I'll agree with Cartman on anything, the fact that she's a bitch.

His mom's a bitch, my dad's an alcoholic - great. We make an odd pair, don't we?

Typically, I'd be elated to hear Kyle's gay. I am, kind of. I'm glad he's out and it's probably a lot happier than keeping it to yourself - so I'm told. Wendy's the only person that knows about me, and well, I don't know if that's coming out or being dragged out.

But he seemed reluctant to tell anyone and this seems like the worst way to come out. I feel awful for him and I really wish I could do something besides just be here for 'moral support'. I'm half tempted to walk up to the Broflovski's door and scream at her. But I know that won't do anything - but god, I wish it could.

And another thing is that Kyle, out of all the goddamn people in the world - even in South Park, wouldn't ever like me. It's a hopeless cause and everyone knows it.

"Hey, Stan?"

I jump as I was too bunched up into my thought to hear him come downstairs and he smiles at me and laughs, his old hat back on his head, "Dude, oh my god - you freaked me out."
"I could tell, you jumped like eight yards."

"Fuck you," I say, laughing.
"Anytime," Kyle says, but then he looks up to me and he blushes, "Oh shit, sorry. I don't... This whole gay thing is probably really weird to you."
"Not at all," I reply quietly, half-tempted to come out myself but I don't see the point.
He takes a deep breath, "Stan, I... I know it is difficult because everyone had to have time to adjust when Butters and Kenny both came out that they were dating. Even I did, and I... I've known I was gay since I was really young."
"Kyle, dude, no. You... It's hard to say it."

He frowns at me but doesn't push, and instead he changes the subject, "Oh, yeah. Your mom texted you."
"What did she say?"
"That she - oh, hey, Wendy just texted you too."
"Tell me what my mom said first?"
"Oh, yeah, yeah, right," Kyle laughs, "She said she wasn't coming home until this morning. Her and your dad went out to Denver or some shit like that."
"Ew, gross, okay," I hear the water boiling and I pour the water into both of our cups, "What did Wendy say?"

Kyle looks at it and then raises an eyebrow, "Stan, dude, I'm confused."
"What did she say?" I mix the hot chocolate in the water.
"'Stan, I'm so sorry. I saw Randy just barely and I thought you had told them already and I'm so sorry. Please call me when you see this.' What does she mean?"
I finish mixing the hot chocolate and put it down on the table and we both sit down.
"Did you text Ike?"
"Yeah, but what did she mean, dude?"
"I don't know. When did she send it?"
"Uh, around eight?"

"Shit, let me call her real quick."

I dial in her number and Kyle frowns at me, but he takes a sip of his hot chocolate and rubs his eyes.

Today has been much more dramatic than anticipated. That's for sure.

"Stan?"
"Wendy?"
"Oh my god, Stan, I am so sorry!"

Kyle stares at me and then he groans, "Put it on speaker, please?"
I frown but I do as he asks.

"What are you sorry about?"
"I'm over on my way to your house, I can literally see it right now. Are you still there?"
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"
"Are your parents there?"
"No, they're coming back tomorrow morning..."
"But I'm here," Kyle looks at me and shakes his head.

"Kyle's there?" Wendy sounds exhausted.
"Hey, why wouldn't I be here?" Kyle sounds defensived.
"Stan, Stan... Have you told him about you know what?"
Kyle glares at me, "Tell me what, Stan?"
"Oh my god, Wendy it is eleven at night I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about."
"I'm at your house right now, I'm opening up the door."

And there she is, Wendy with snow everywhere and looking frustrated as all hell. She slams the door behind her.

She walks towards us and takes off her coat, putting it on a chair and sitting down on the table.

"Stan, I don't know if you want me to tell this in front of Kyle," She starts and Kyle glares at her now, "But it's been four years and he has a right to know, I believe."
"Know about what, Stan?" I'm as confused as him but I just don't want to make him feel any worse because his eyes are still as red as hell and I know he's really vulnerable right now and fuck, I'm awful with people.
I sigh, and look at Wendy, "I don't really understand what you're saying but please just say it and stop dragging it on like a cliche fanfiction."

"Like I said earlier, I saw Randy and your mother tonight," She looks at me and shakes her head, "And you had told me you were going to tell your parents today before they left-"
"Tell them about what?"
"Oh my fucking god, Stan, that you're fucking gay as fucking hell! I thought you wouldn't want me to say it in front of Kyle but I'm really frustrated with you and myself right now."

I feel Kyle stare at me and I say nothing, my whole body feels as if it's frozen right now.

"So anyways, I asked them what they thought about you coming out and your dad was super confused and drunk and so I explained it to him because he can be an idiot just as you sometimes and he got really pissed and finally your mom had to calm him down and they left the restaurant. But hey, at least she's supportive."

They both look at me but I say nothing.

"I'm sorry, Stan! I really am!"
"What the fuck do you want me to say?" Wendy says, frustrated, "I'm sorry I outed you to your parents and your best friend but you were never going to to come out yourself."

"Stan?" Kyle breathes out, "If it's true, that you're gay - it's okay. I just... I just came out to you too and I don't want you to feel as if there's something wrong with you because you just spent the last hour convincing me that my mom didn't hate me because of who I am."
"Look, dude, I love you and your my best friend, whatever happens to you happens to me. I said it earlier but I was hoping you wouldn't notice... I said you were my home and I mean it because whenever I'm with you it's when I feel the most comfortable."

I look at him and then Wendy and shake my head, "Wendy, I. I was going to coming out eventually, but at least you got the worst part over for me," I laugh awkwardly.
She sighs and then smiles, "I'm sorry, Stan." She gets up and pats my shoulder, "I'm going to go home right now but I do care about you and I'm sorry that I outed you, I really really will always be."

She puts her coat back on and leaves.

"Stan, I don't want their to be anymore secrets between us. Just. Let's be honest with each other."

I don't say anything but I grab his hand and we go upstairs.

We go into my room and Kyle borrows a pair of my pajamas while I just put on some blue flannel bottoms. I turn off the light and we climb into the bed together like we did as little kids.
We do this in silence and we keep being quiet until the blanket is over us.

"Let's be honest," I whisper, "Tell me your darkest secrets."
"You know most of them," Kyle smiles, "Except for one. Tell me yours and I'll tell you mine."
"I'm gay," I start and he laughs, "But Wendy just told you that."
"I'm gay too," Kyle says shyly, "My rant just told you that.

I feel him grab him hand under the cover and I starts to blush. He laughs awkwardly, "Look, I... I said I didn't want this to change anything between us and I don't. Me being gay, and now you apparently being gay. We're super gays together."
I laugh and my palms feel sweaty, "Let's make a superhero team together. Let's get Butters, Kenny, Tweek, and Craig to join. The super homosexuals."

His hand is soft and I see his bright, green eyes look into mine, "Stan. I... I really like you. I think I have since we were kids."
I can't help it, but I laugh softly, "Dude, Kyle... I love you. Like a fuck ton."
"I love you too, Stan."

"It's kind of sad we were both too shy to say it until someone dragged us out of our respective closets," I smile softly, "Though I really wish we could've came out in better circumstances..."

"Stan?"
"Kyle?"
"Do you, like, maybe wanna be my super best boyfriend?"

I laugh and the best way I can respond is to kiss him and his lips are soft and sweet and everything that I knew it would feel like and I realize that I will never be able to get enough of him. I never have and my heart beats so fast I can feel it but it's never a bad way and nothing really can be awful when I'm with Kyle.

"Promise me one thing?" I say shyly.
"Anything."
"No more secrets?"
"There shouldn't have been any secrets in the first place."

Kyle smiles and so do I and he kisses me again and never once have their been so many odds stacked against us but yet I'm not worried. I have Kyle and this time it's for real and I will always hold onto him for as long as I can.