Christmas Carol
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG
Spoilers: ITSOTG, "Noel"
Summary: Josh POV, post-Noel. The carolers and the bells. The sirens and the window.
Disclaimer: Everything and anything WW is not mine. It belongs to the wise and brilliant Aaron Sorkin, Thomas Schlamme, and John Wells. They are absolute geniuses.
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Ding. Dong. Ding. Dong. Ding. Dong.
They wouldn't stop. He wouldn't stop. It wouldn't stop.
Ding. Dong. Ding.
It just kept…going, you know? Just…going. I couldn't make it stop. Why? Why couldn't I
make it all just STOP??? What's WRONG with me? Why am I acting this way??
Dong. Ding. Dong. Ding. Dong.
If anything, I should be happy that I'm still alive. I mean, I survived the shooting. Didn't I? If I
did, why am I laying here on the ground with the sirens? No, that's not it. I survived. I'm here.
But can I survive myself?
Ding. Dong. Ding. Dong.
Why won't it just leave me alone????? Nothing I do works. I can't make it stop. It won't go away. Yo-Yo Ma's playing, the choir's singing. The pilot committed suicide. Maybe I'm suicidal too?
Ding. Dong. Ding. Dong. Ding. Dong. Ding.
The drink isn't working. I just need to put it down. But I didn't have a drink, did I? No, I was
sitting there, trying to make them go away… Please, I just want some rest… I don't want to die. I don't want to get shot. I don't want to relive it again. I don't want to die. …Or maybe I do?
Dong. Ding.
I mean, that pilot did it easily enough. All he had to do was crash his plane into a mountain. Nobody knew something was wrong with him. Nobody knows that there's something wrong with me. Maybe they do. That could make things harder.
Dong. Ding. Dong.
It's almost Christmas. I should be happy. Not that I really celebrate it, being Jewish and all, but I still shouldn't feel like this. I'm in so much pain. I wonder if anyone can help me? Can they make it go away? Can they help me to not feel the bullet ripping and tearing through my torn and broken skin? And to not feel that thing inside of you called blood which pours out of you like you were a bottle of water that sprung a leak? That entices you to want more? That also sickens you, and you just want to turn away? I couldn't turn away. I didn't run, and I got shot.
Ding. Dong. Ding. Dong. Ding. Dong. Ding. Dong.
I always meant to get that window replaced anyway. It just felt like the best option at the moment. I can see it all in my head so clearly. I lifted my hand and shoved through the cold glass. It shattered. They wouldn't leave, even after I did that. I couldn't feel anything. I think they got louder. I saw myself bleed, but I couldn't feel it. I felt the blood before. Make it stop. It was warm and sticky as I tried to keep it all inside. Like my emotions. Let it stop. Someone was knocking at my door, but I couldn't make it stop like I was trying to. The music is soaring. Why can't I force it to stop? I made the Ave Maria stop. Let this be the last time. Make it STOP. Will the end of the song be soon? It seems like it's gone on forever. MAKE IT STOP!
Ding. Dong. Ding. Dong.
I can make it stop. I know I can. I can end it by ending everything. Simple. Why is everything so simple after a while? It gets so simple when you can't feel anything. It gets simple when one of your friends finds you while you're still alive. It gets simple when somebody else shows you how simple it is.
Ding. Dong.
I'm hurt. I'm in so much pain. Why can't anyone listen to me???? They need to listen, they HAVE to listen to me! They can't HELP if they don't LISTEN!!! I've been listening to this for so long. Why can't it just end? Why aren't there any answers? Can't anyone solve my problem? I can. I can solve them; they're my problems. I can deal with them. Nobody else needs to know.
Ding. Dong. Ding. Dong. Ding. Dong. Ding. Dong. Ding. Dong. Ding. Dong.
I'm not so sure if I can do this anymore. I want to get better. I know I can…somehow, maybe. Or maybe there's no end. I think I'm the only one who feels this way , and it's scary. No one can help. There's the music again. The glass of the police car shattered so loudly. The bullets flew through the air. Ringing in my ear. They were everywhere. Why is everything so loud? Can't I just turn down the volume magically so I can get a little peace? I'm never at peace anymore! WHY WON'T IT JUST LEAVE ME ALONE???????
Ding. Dong.
The music's slowing.
Ding.
Maybe it's the end?
Dong.
Why can I still hear them?
Ding.
Why are they still not stopping??
Dong.
Somebody make the sirens go away…
Ding.