Babs Bunny
In
'No More Miss Nice Bunny'
Story and Screenplay
By
Nate Collins
Based on "Tiny Toon Adventures",
Characters Created By Tom Ruegger
and Television Show Developed and Produced By Steven Spielberg
Note: I will just upload the first act for now since it's completely edited and set to go. The second act will most likely be finished and edited either this week or the next. Also, please get use to my script formats since it's only way I feel comfortable writing these. They're supposed to make you feel like you're actually watching another episode of the show. Anyway, with that said, I very much hope you enjoy this.
ACT I
EXT. ACME ACRES – MORNING
It's a beautiful morning in the not-yet lively town of Acme Acres. The civilians walk towards their destinations while a few vehicles are parked next to the curb where the parking meters will be watching them for the next... I don't know how many hours.
A gray female cat with a white tail tip walks along the sidewalk followed by a brown ditzy looking dog that's twice the size of the cat. They stumble across a line of trash cans which is exactly what they are looking for. The cat, RITA purrs with bliss and rapidly pounces onto one of the many appetizing cans. She stumbles across a fish skeleton and pulls it out of the can only to reveal a familiar looking blue cat that looks more a bit more abused than Rita, FURRBALL, desperately hanging on to it as if his life depended on it and screeching in confusion. Both cats have themselves a little tug-o'-war with the fish skeleton while the dog, RUNT, just stands there watching like the ditzy dog that he is. Then suddenly... VROOOM! The sounds of an engine roaring and a set of tires screeching are suddenly heard and out of nowhere, a car with an orange coating pounces right onto the road. The cats and dog make a run for it as the car knocks aside the trash cans and continues its rampage on the road.
CUT TO:
INT. CAR
Inside the car, we see our favorite blue-furred rabbit with the red shirt clutching onto the handles of the passenger seat and relying on however many seat belts he has on while a certain pink-furred rabbit with the yellow blouse, purple skirt and bows on her ears has her giant foot on the accelerator and her other foot on the brakes for standby while her tiny pink hands are grasping the steering wheel as they violently turn left and right. She has a crazed look on her face as she desperately attempts to drop Buster off on time. Speaking of which, he looks like he's starting to regret asking Babs to drive him to class even though this is one the rare times where she accidentally woke up late.
BUSTER: Watch it, Babs! You almost hits a couple of cats there.
BABS: Buster, I don't complain about the way you ride your bike every day.
BUSTER: That's because I don't wake up a half an hour late and bike at a maniacal rate.
BABS: Yeah, remind me to tell Harriet next time I play "P-sychiatrist" with her on the phone. [re: the road, civilians, cars, etc.] Outta my way, freeloaders! Move it or lose it, bub!
We see through her window a number of cameos- er, citizens that lunge out of the way of Babs' insane driving. On the top right of the screen, a scoreboard pops up and keeps track of all the damage Babs is now doing. The more people dodge out of her way and the more trash cans and fire hydrants she keeps colliding into, the higher the score goes up.
BUSTER: Tell me again, why did I agree for you to drive me to class?
BABS: Because you love me and you can't live without me!
BUSTER: Hmm, interesting choice of words there. [watches the road; eyes open wide] LOOK OUT!
He spots two workers trying to cross the street while holding a giant glass window (yes, apparently they still do that today). Babs spots this and violently turns to the right.
EXT. ACME ACRES - McKIMSON STREET
The car turns to the right and jumps right onto a building. The tires somehow sticks to the building as it continues to accelerate to its destination. The car then jumps right back onto the road as soon as it passes the two workers.
They both sigh with relief as they continue to cross the street... only to spot LITTLE BEEPER speed his way under the glass as he is being chased by CALAMITY COYOTE who is on a tiny Acme plane that's flying at such a low altitude and doesn't seem to notice the glass window as it crashes through it. (Hmm, must've been wiped clean with Windex or something.) The only thing that's left of it is the bottom of the glass that the workers are continuing to hold.
WORKER #2: Ah, great.
CUT TO:
INT. CAR
BUSTER: Was this by any chance on the exam when you got your license?
BABS: Buster, I swear if one more comment on my driving comes out of that mouth of yours, I'm going to-
BUSTER: -use me as a punching bag and go "Million Dollar Baby" on my tail.
BABS: Yeah. [whispers] Darn straight, I will.
CUT TO:
EXT. ACME LOONIVERSITY
The Acme Looniversity has been making a number of changes since then. Mostly on the entrance which is still in construction. This however doesn't prevent people from entering the building as they're just working around it. This will not be relevant to the plot so let's move on. The car screeches to a halt as the two rabbits finally reach their destination. The scoreboard blinks its high score of 44,587 and disappears for a moment.
CUT TO:
INT. CAR
Babs tilts a bit towards to steering wheel due to the strong braking of the car which causes something to fall from her eyes. As she opens her eyes again, brown eyes are revealed instead of her glorious blue ones. She notices something is wrong with this picture as she waves her hands towards her face and blinks rapidly.
BABS: Oh, no. I'm blind. I'M BLIND!
Buster turns to the "camera" and pulls out a picket sign out of his shirt that states "DRAMATIC, ISN'T SHE?".
BUSTER: You're not blind, your contacts just fell off. See? [he points to the contact lenses that are on the ground.]
BABS: [she waves her hands again] Oh. [lowers her eyelids] Uh, Buster?
BUSTER: Oh, right.
Buster unbuckles the many seat belts he had on and reaches down to pick up her contact lenses. He blows the bit of dust off of them and tries to pop them back into Babs' eyes, that is if they would please stop blinking at two rates per second.
BUSTER: Stop blinking, will ya?
BABS: Sorry.
She stops blinking for a sec as Buster places them back onto her eyes which go from brown to blue again. Babs blinks a few times in order for them to adjust.
BABS: Ah, much better. Thanks.
BUSTER: No problem. Well, I guess I'll see you-
BABS: Hold on a second, Mr. Hitch and Ditch! Aren't you forgetting something?
BUSTER: Hmm? Oh, right. Sorry.
He leans over and kisses her.
BUSTER: You're still the best, by the way.
BABS: Why, thank you, Buster.
Buster opens the door and slips himself out of the vehicle.
BUSTER: I'll see you at three.
He closes the door and heads for the Looniversity. Babs waves as he leaves her sight. She lets out a sigh as she is now the only one in the car. It's not that she gets lonely rather quickly but the fact that her stand up show titled 'No More Miss Nice Bunny' debuts in just one day and while she has been working on her material for quite a while now, her boss talked to her yesterday about whether she should go with a new style since there was the possibility that her jokes were starting to lose their fuel and she was up all night thinking about it only to remember what Buster continues to tell her everyday since they had started dating. "You're still the best, by the way." She knew he meant it and she wasn't going to forget it. She tries to smile and not think about it as she turns on the radio to make herself feel better and starts the car up again.
EXT. ACME LOONIVERSITY
Everybody that was near or was walking past Babs' car quickly ran to get out of the way as soon as they heard her start the engine. The scoreboard comes back on screen and all of a sudden, the "CONTINUITY ALARM" starts ringing inside the car due to the fact that she didn't shut the car off when she parked there.
BABS: [off screen] Oh, hush up!
The alarm turns itself off as the car begins to leave the frame.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. DOWNTOWN ACME ACRES – STILL MORNING
This is downtown Acme Acres. It's nothing special, really. If you're expecting it to look like the Broadway section of Chicago or Times Squre in New York, then it's really not like that. Still, it is special to the town of Acme Acres since their favorite shows always show up on here as well as their favorite acts. Heck, it's been rumored that Bugs Bunny had his start in one of the theaters. Anyway, we see our next location which happens to be...
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. ACME COMEDY CLUB - AUDITORIUM
This is the Acme Comedy Club where Babs Bunny's stand-up debut will take place (Oh, and get use to the expositions because they're here to stay). Inside the auditorium, both familiar faces and unknowns are working on setting up the stage, sound, audience seats, tables and the rest of the club. You got PLUCKY DUCK, a green duck with a white tank top doing the lighting...
PLUCKY: Eh, it's a livin'. It's better than getting blown up inside a car for $50. Lousy cheapskates.
...SHIRLEY THE LOON, a white waterfowl with orange hair and donning a pink bow and blouse with a thick Valley Girl accent painting the walls pink and purple using her mind...
SHIRLEY: You know, I would've, like, gone for a stylish and colorful look. But instead, it has to be all about her. Hmm, figures.
...and HAMTON J. PIG, a pink pig with blue overalls, sweeping the floor.
HAMTON: When I found out that cleaning was involved, I just had to jump at the chance. That and I would do anything for my good friend, Babs cause she makes me laugh more than anyone else in the world.
CUT TO:
INT. ACME COMEDY CLUB – MAIN HALL
And then you got others working in the main hall and the entrance where two guys on a ladder holding giant letters to put on the marquee.
VOICE: NO! NO! NO! NO!
The CAMERA pans to the left onto a human with long hair, a suit, tie and glasses. He pretty much looks like a guy who just recently inherited his entire family's fortune (Yeah, I don't think we're gonna like him either). His name (get this), MARVIN SULSUKER. Pronounced "SUL-ZUKER". Okay, let's just get the exposition out of the way, he came into the show halfway during the show's arrangement. Babs had it all under control at this point. She was in charge of writing the material, overlooking how the show would look, how the stage would be arranged... she was pretty much her own director. She even put up some of her own money into the show's funding along with her friends and family. Then the Broadway industry found out about it and hired Sulsuker to interfere with the project (Well, not really. All they asked him to do was to help out with the project but I guess he got a little greedy somewhere in the process). Anyway, he convinces Babs that he has plenty of ideas that could make the show work a bit more and get her name more known with the public and because of this, she winds up signing a contract (Oh, trust me, she's done mistakes before so don't think that she's completely perfect cause she's anything but). Afterwards, he started to take control of the show and would make unauthorized decisions about how it was all going to look and such. Babs could fire him but then she would lose funding for the show and she'd be back to where she started. Don't worry though, nobody takes him seriously since they find him being unhappy with results amusing. Okay, now back to the story.
MARVIN: [looking at the plans and then the auditorium] This is not the way I had intended for it to look!
Shirley stops painting for a bit and approaches Marvin.
SHIRLEY: Yeah, well we saw your little design and we like thought that it wasn't really what Babs was looking for or some junk so we just you know, stuck to the original design if you don't mind.
MARVIN: I don't really care what that rabbit is looking for, just use what I have and stick with it!
SHIRLEY: Whatever.
She goes back to painting, completely ignoring the requests.
MARVIN: Speaking of which, where is that rabbit? She should've been here a half hour ago.
Offscreen, we hear car tires screeching followed by a CRASH! as it sounds like it just ran through a bunch of trash cans.
MARVIN: Ah, right on cue.
Babs enters the club drinking the last sips of coffee then tosses the cup in the trash can behind her. The people working on the entrance are cheering for her as she walks in, knowing that she'll be brilliant. Marvin goes up to her and begins walking along with her.
MARVIN: Hello, Barbara Ann.
BABS: [quickly] Don't call me that.
MARVIN: Sorry. So, uh, have you thought about the little discussion we had yesterday?
BABS: Yes, I have and I plan not to go through with it.
MARVIN: Thank you very mu-wha-wha-what? And just why not?
BABS: Look, Mr. Sulsuker, I've been writing my own material for as long as I can remember and I think I know what my audience wants.
MARVIN: Hmm, you think you know, huh? Come with me. I want to show you something.
He leads Babs into the auditorium and...
INT. ACME COMEDY CLUB – AUDITORIUM
...heads to the stage where a laptop waits for him. He opens it up to show her a few things. One of the pages is a table chart for comedy. Good, intelligent comedy is 57%, immature, unoriginal comedy is 78% and a tiny picture of Babs is shown under 21%.
MARVIN: According to this chart, comedic styles have changed in the past decade or so. It appears that intelligent comedy is now being surpassed by more juvenile, demeaning, and awkwardly immature brands of comedy, whereas you fall somewhere in the bottom of those two since, let's face it. Nobody since then has ever heard of you or even cares about your existence. The other 21% is pretty much made up of people who still live in their parent's basement surrounded by today's technology and more than enough Twinkies to last them for a good six months.
BABS: But at least they know about me online. Seriously, if I can get my act known to a bigger crowd this way, I could-
MARVIN: Sorry. If you want to be big you have to change your style. This is what today's audience wants.
He pulls a tiny remote out of his pocket, points it at the monitor and clicks it on. Off screen, static is heard and a series of clips from different sources, mostly off of something like YouTube are heard and not seen.
GUY ON SCREEN: [with a really annoying sped-up and high pitched voice] HEY! I'M GONNA GO STALK SOME GIRL I'VE NEVER EVEN MET BECAUSE THAT'S GONNA BE REAL INTERESTING! SEE HOW MY VOICE SOUNDS? I SWEAR I DIDN'T LIKE MESS AROUND WITH THE COMPUTER OR ANYTHING BECAUSE I ACTUALLY DO SOUND LIKE THIS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
BABS: o_0
Static.
SOME ANNOYING FRUIT ON SCREEN: HEY PEAR! HEY PEAR! HEY PEAR! HEY PEAR! HEY PEAR!
SOME OTHER FRUIT ON SCREEN: What?
ANNOYING FRUIT: Orange you glad I didn't say pear again? [laughs annoyingly]
Static.
IRATE REVIEWER ON SCREEN: This game is a piece of [Bleep! Bleep! Bleep! Bleep! Bleep! Bleep! Bleep! BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]
BABS: O_O. Wait a minute, isn't there another guy who does the same thing except he's a lot funnier?
Anyway, static.
SOME KID ON SCREEN: Is this real life? I feel funny. Why is this happening to me?
Static.
SOME WEIRD GUY/GIRL ON SCREEN: LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE! LEAVE HER ALONE! I'M SERIOUS!
Static. Laptop shuts off.
Babs, after being bombarded by a few of other people's desperate attempts at comedy that can only be found online, is now left with an extremely confused look on her face. Her eyes and mouth are extremely wide open. She honestly has no words to describe what she has just witnessed. Truly, it was the death of comedy. Marvin on the other hand, awaits Babs' response.
MARVIN: Well, what do you think?
Babs slowly turns to face Marvin.
BABS: You're- You're kidding, right? You're actually trying to tell me that THIS is supposed to be funny? That THIS is what people actually prefer to see now?
MARVIN: That's right.
BABS: But- But they're not even trying!
MARVIN: Exactly. People nowadays are so desperate for comedy that they don't even try anymore. You could pretty much do something as simple as eating an apple or walking the dog and it'll still somehow turn out funny. You see what I'm trying to say here? Smart jokes, impersonations, good personalities, whatever. They are all things of the past. If you really want to make people laugh, just run around screaming at the top of your lungs and say the most random, idiotic things that come to mind. It's quick, simple and it makes for easier money.
Babs couldn't believe what she was hearing. It felt like a joke. Like one big joke. Only problem is that no one's laughing.
BABS: No. If you're trying to tell me that I should change my act to... this, then you're way out of your mind. I mean, were you even watching?
MARVIN: Yes, I was. Do you want me to repeat everything that I just said a few seconds ago? So please, Babs. Could you please go with this material instead?
BABS: No, I already-
MARVIN: [changes mood] All right, how about I make this a lot easier for you. Change your act or I stop funding your show and all your other future shows. Think about it; your act is getting old fast and if you don't update it quick, no one's gonna show up, no one's gonna care and I don't care how much you've poured into this and how much time you've spent on advertising this. I will make it all go away [snaps fingers] just like that. Do you want that? Is that what you want? Is it?
Babs now feels powerless to stop him. She's never been insulted like this before. She tries to come up with a quick comeback but nothing seems to pop out of her mind. She's just broken. So for now, she puts her head down and answers him.
BABS: Yes.
MARVIN: Excellent. That wasn't so hard now, was it? Well, I have to get going now. Got an important lunch to go to. I'll see you later, Babsy. Can't wait to see what you have in store for us tomorrow.
Marvin heads out of the auditorium leaving Babs sitting on her legs completely heartbroken. Was it really true? Were her jokes really getting old? Is vile, immature comedy really the way to go? She was completely lost right now.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
EXT. BABS BURROW – AFTERNOON
Autumn has begun for a while now and while the wind's lightly blowing, it's still nevertheless a beautiful day. (Also, get used to these exterior shots because it's meant to feel like you're actually watching this on screen.) Anyway, the CAMERA closes up to the rabbit hole as we...
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. BABS' BURROW – BEDROOM
...Babs in her bedroom holding a newly typed piece of paper that supposedly has a quickly thought up list of so-called 'material' that she could maybe use for her show and begins talking to either herself or someone in the room.
BABS: All right. All right. This shouldn't be too hard. I mean, it's me, for crying out loud. I can make anything funny. All right, I'm going to do a few things and just let me know what you think. Okay? All right, now. [Ahem] [begins imitating first internet star she witnessed with the annoying sped-up voice whose name will not be mentioned] HEY! SO THIS JERK OF A BROADWAY DIRECTOR JUST TOLD ME THAT I NEED TO CHANGE MY STYLE OF COMEDY SO THAT THEY'D BE MORE PASSABLE TO EVERYBODY! SO NOW I'M JUST GONNA SELL MY SOUL TO THE CORPORATE DEVIL AND BABBLE LIKE THE STEREOTYPICALLY HANDICAPPED WHATCHAMACALLIT THAT I AM! [laughs annoyingly]
We cut from this horrible sight to reveal Babs' "audience" that's made up of a few of her younger brothers and sisters as they cover their ears from the annoying laugh that is apparently coming out of their favorite sister. Some of the even younger ones even start crying, it's that bad.
BABS: Alright, alright! I'm sorry! That was a bit too much, I'm sorry. I'll try the next one. Let's see here. [re: the paper] Okay, here's one. [starts doing style similar to Dane Cook, waving her hands and everything] So I'm like, driving along side the road, alright? And I get a red light, you know? So I stop. Then I get a call from my bestest friend in the world and I'm all like, "Hey! How ya doin'? Oh, nothing. Just driving my car here". Then the light turns green and I'm still on the phone so I don't even notice this and then some guys starts honking at me like, "BEEP! BEEP! Move it, ya jerk!" and I just turn around and go, "Excuse me! I'm one the phone here if you don't mind!" So apparently, that must've made him angry or something because he jumped out of the car and started threatening me! And then I just start whaling on him like- [waves hands uncontrollably] Yeah, how do you like that? [halts abruptly]
Every one of her sibs tilt their heads down in confusion the same way a dog would. Babs looks like she's just about ready to give up with this.
BABS: I know. It's all the same shtick, isn't it?
Sibs nod their heads in agreement.
BABS: Alright then. How about this?
She turns around for a bit to get into herself, then turns around.
BABS: [imitates James Stewart, complete with facial expressions and everything] "Merry Christmas, movie house! Merry Christmas, emporium! Merry Christmas, you ol' Building & Loan!"
They're all thinking the same thing, 'Finally!' and laugh their heads off. Babs now feels a bit better that she's getting her first laugh out of them.
BABS: Yeah. That's better, right?
Sibs continue laughing.
BABS: Hmm. So what does Marvin see in this? (Well, besides the money, that is.)
WIPE CUT TO:
INT. BABS' BURROW – LIVING ROOM
In the living room, BABS' MOM is sitting in her rocking chair, bottle feeding the usual baby rabbit that's cradled in her arms while also looking after the rest of the young'uns that surround her. CAMERA pans over to the right to reveal Babs quietly approaching the living room, hoping not to disturb anything or anyone.
BABS: Hey, Mom? Do you have a second?
BABS' MOM: For you, Bee-abs, honey? Five seconds.
BABS: Well, I don't know if I can cram it all in just five seconds but anyway, just a quick question here but, what exactly do you find funny?
BABS' MOM: About what, kiddo?
BABS: About anything. Anything at all.
BABS' MOM: Well, I don't necesse-arily like all of the-at filthy mouth stuff that they show on TV nee-owadays nor do I like all of that potty humor that they always got on those kee-ids shows these dee-ays.
BABS: Okay, so what do ya like?
BABS' MOM: Well, I like simple stuff like, let's see, knock-knock jokes, that Roseanne Barr when she's not singing. I used to think that Charlie Sheen was funny until he went cuckoo. Those wonderful pee-ople on "The Office" even though that's really not for me, but, yeah, that's all I can think about for now.
BABS: All right, well, what about my stuff? Do you find any of that funny?
BABS' MOM: Is thee-at what's bothering you?
BABS: Well, it's just that I went over to the comedy club this morning to check out the stage and all and my boss tells me at the last minute that I should change my act into something that isn't entirely me and right now, I just don't know what to do.
BABS' MOM: Well, he-ave you tried talking to him?
BABS: I wanted to but he threatened to pull the plug on the show if I didn't go through with it.
BABS' MOM: Hmm. Well, you know, kiddo, if they won't let you do what you want, then me-aybe you should consider doing something else with your life.
This catches Babs completely off-guard.
BABS: Wait, what?
She couldn't believe what she was hearing.
BABS' MOM: Yeah. Who knows? Me-aybe there's some hidden te-alent that you might've never known about.
BABS: But- But this is all I know how to do! How can I go on to do something else when I've already dedicated my entire life to nothing but this?
BABS' MOM: Oh, that's just what they all say. You'll soon discover it. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go make sure Charlotte takes her nee-ap so I can go check on dinner.
BABS: Alright. Thanks anyway.
Babs lets her mother go, leaving her once again alone with her thoughts. 'Wow, twice in one day. First my boss and now my own Mom. Could this day get any worse?' She knows she was just trying to help but some days, there are some things that a person (or in this case, a rabbit) just doesn't want to hear when the situation's already worse. Without much help, she slowly heads back upstairs with her head down.
BABS: [disappointed] Well, that was totally pointless.
CUT TO:
INT. BABS' BURROW – BEDROOM
Babs opens the door to her room and shuts it as soon as she's in. It should also be noted that her siblings have long left her room while she was talking with her mother just in case anybody wondered if I had forgotten them or not.
BABS: [as she walks] "Get another career". Who does she think she is? Like I can actually think of something else to do with my life when I don't know anything but this. [goes to her mirror] What would I be good as? A cook? [spins around, turns into Emeril] BAM! Hahaha. You like that? That's like my catch phrase, sort of. BAM! [regular voice] Nah. A lawyer? [spins around, turns into that one attorney guy you always see on TV] I'm attorney Peter Francis Geraci and I sound a lot like Ben Stein. My commercials have always been boring since 1990s. Filled with the same blandness and boredom money could ask for. Oh, and I sound even worse in Spanish too. No wonder I never get any clients. [normal voice] No. Hmm. A doctor? [spins around, turns into House] I'm the biggest jerk of a doctor that's ever existed onto mankind and have the worst medical vocabulary that even I can't understand but I don't seem to care because I got problems of my own, so there.
She shakes her head 'no', tosses the disguise away and jumps right into bed.
BABS: Oh. What good is being something else when all I can do is insult things?
Light bulb goes on in her head right after her last statement.
BABS: Well, you know what they say, "When a mother's advice doesn't work, always rely on the advice of your bestest girlfriend".
She picks up the phone and calls up the only other person that she can rely on (if we can see her, that is). The line picks up.
BABS: Harriet. Hieeeeee! Oh, really? He did what? And what'd you do? No way! How about that? Oh, wait a minute. What am I talking about? I have to talk to you about something serious for a sec.
HARRIET: [on the other line] Really? Well, I guess I can finally move this out of the way then.
The screen starts to split as we begin to see a brown-furred rabbit with hair that's a darker brown and donning a black blouse and pink skirt pushing the screen right to the middle so that the right side just shows her and the left side shows Babs. Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is HARRIET.
HARRIET: Been wanting to do that for a long time. So what'cha need, Babsy?
BABS: Well, first I get a last minute request from Marvin saying that I should change my act so I can please the audience more but right after he publicly insults and humiliates me in front of my own crew saying that my style is now considered dated like he even knows what the word means. Then, I test the act on my sibs, they don't like it. After that, I go for advice from my mom and get in response that I should maybe change my career as if I could.
Harriet tries desperately to follow along as Babs talks her head off about the day she's been having.
HARRIET: Alright. Calm down, calm down. We're talking about your show tomorrow, right?
BABS: No, I'm talking the new Looney Tunes show that's on Cartoon Network right now. Of course I'm talking about my show. Look, I go on tomorrow and I'm afraid that if I go with this new act, then I'll get booed off the stage but I'm also worried that if I go on with my material, then the same thing will occur. It's like I'm in the middle of a lose-lose situation here.
HARRIET: All right. I'll try to think of a possibility here. (whispers) This is way beyond my alley.
BABS: I heard that.
HARRIET: Sorry. [thinks for a few seconds] All right! I got something here.
BABS: What is it? I'll go with anything.
HARRIET: Well, you're not gonna like this but it's all I got.
BABS: I don't care.
HARRIET: Okay. Well, how about if you just not go on tomorrow and just give your act a break for however long you should do so?
BABS: What?
HARRIET: Yeah, that way you'd be taking yourself out of the situation and not worrying about disappointing anyone's expectations.
BABS: So, you're saying that I should chicken myself out of my own show? Is that what I'm hearing?
HARRIET: Hey, you're the one who said that you'd go with anything I said.
BABS: Yeah, but I meant something positive! Not the other way around!
HARRIET: Well, excuse me for trying to help!
BABS: [sighs] All right, all right. I'm sorry. I know you're trying to help. I'm sorry. Could I just ask you something real quick?
HARRIET: What is it?
BABS: Have you ever even seen my act?
HARRIET: No, not really. We mostly just talk on the phone and discuss the so-called 'daily lives' that we both seem to live.
BABS: I guess. Well, it was worth a try. Thanks anyway.
HARRIET: No problem.
BABS: You're still coming tomorrow, right?
HARRIET: Yeah, of course I'm coming. What, you think I spent $12 on this ticket just so I don't even have to show up?
BABS: Well, just be thankful you're my friend. Otherwise, you would've been stuck paying full like everybody else did.
HARRIET: Yeah. All right, girlfriend. Take care.
As Harriet hangs up, the screen goes back to just showing Babs' face getting worse as she too hangs up.
BABS: I'm doomed.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. BABS' BURROW – BETWEEN NOON AND NIGHT
The sun is setting and the sky is turning orange. Behind the burrow, the trees begin their metamorphosis of changing colors color and waiting for the perfect moment to hit the ground (not literally). The CAMERA starts to slowly close in once again on the burrow as we...
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. BABS' BURROW – BATHROOM
...Babs inside her bathtub having what is supposed to be a calm and peaceful bath so she doesn't have to think about everything that is trying to ruin her mentally and emotionally. Her head is resting on the very end of the tub with her eyes closed while the rest of her body is lying under water that is completely covered with bubbles. As she attempts to relax, her head slowly begins to sink into the water which gurgles a bit in the open that isn't covered with bubbles. RRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGG! Babs splashes her way out of the water as the phone ringing immediately takes her out of her zone and coughs up a bit that she accidentally swallowed.
BABS: Why did I install a phone here?
She picks up the phone that's connected to the wall next to the tub and answers. Then proceeds to lie back down.
BABS: Hello?
SHIRLEY: Hey Babs! It's Shirl.
BABS: [bored voice] Oh, hey. How's it going?
CUT TO:
INT. SOME HOUSE
The house that Shirley is calling from is having what is supposed to be a party celebrating Babs' first show before it opens. Only problem is that Babs isn't there to celebrate, but everybody who had something to do with the show or people who are planning to see the show tomorrow seems to be.
SHIRLEY: [continues] Well I'm here at what is like, supposed to be your party or some junk. Only problem is that you're not here and everybody's asking for you and it's like, totally driving me and my aura crazy. You alright?
CUT TO:
INT. BABS' BURROW – BATHROOM
BABS: Yeah, I'm fine. But I think I'm just gonna sit this one out.
SHIRLEY: Really? You sure you're alright?
BABS: Yeah, I am. I'm just not feeling up for it right now. And besides, I have to practice for tomorrow and I gotta get my rest. You know how it is.
CUT TO:
INT. SOME HOUSE
SHIRLEY: Yeah, sure. I understand. Just don't know how I'm gonna let everybody know about this.
She turns around to see everybody having a good time dancing to the Crystal Castles music playing in the background or drinking out of one of the two punch bowls on the table, one labeled "SPIKED" and the other "CLEAN". She also sees Buster, Plucky and Hamton playing a game of "Duck Season, Rabbit Season". It involves Buster and Plucky being on separate sides of each other while Hamton stands in front of them wielding a prop shotgun. Both guys pass the barrel of the shotgun back and forth trying to outsmart the other one.
BUSTER: Duck season.
PLUCKY: Rabbit season!
BUSTER: Duck season.
PLUCKY: Rabbit season.
Buster passes the barrel back to Plucky but then pulls it back to himself.
BUSTER: Rabbit season.
Plucky snatches the barrel back.
PLUCKY: A-ha! DUCK SEASON! [realizes] Oh, mother-
BOOM! We cut back to Shirley who's still on the phone with Babs as Plucky gets shot by Hamton off screen.
PLUCKY: [off screen] Ow.
SHIRLEY: Yeah, you know what? You go ahead and rest. I don't they're like, even gonna care about the guest of honor so I'll think of something, kay?
BABS: Alright.
SHIRLEY: Okay. Oh, and Babs? Pay no attention to what Sulsuker said. You're gonna be incredible tomorrow. Just don't like, worry so much, kay?
BABS: Alright, thanks, Shirl. [hangs up]
Shirley hangs up as well but doesn't really seem convinced by Babs' response on the other line of the phone.
FADE OUT
Ambient noises are heard as the screen continues being dark. Not very good noises either. Two blue eyes then open up and and wonder around as if looking for a light switch. Just then, the floor flashes on like the light of an old shelter. As it stops and becomes more still, the nervous pink rabbit slowly starts to follow the seemingly endless hall as it leads to a weaker green light at the very end. Several voices are then heard echoing throughout the hall as she walks making her even more uncomfortable.
MARVIN'S VOICE: [left] People nowadays are so desperate for comedy that they don't even try anymore. [right] Smart jokes, impersonations, good personalities, whatever. They are all things of the past. If you really want to make people laugh, just run around screaming at the top of your lungs and say the most random, idiotic things that come to mind. [left] Your act is getting old fast and if you don't update it quick, no one's gonna show up, no one's gonna care and I don't care how much you've poured into this and how much time you've spent on advertising this. I will make it all go away [snaps fingers] just like that.
As the voices get louder, the more quicker Babs' feet move.
BABS' MOM'S VOICE: [right] You know, kiddo, if they won't let you do what you want, then me-aybe you should consider doing something else with your life. [left] Who knows, me-aybe there's some hidden te-alent that you might've never known about.
HARRIET'S VOICE: [right] How about if you just not go on tomorrow and just give your act a break? [left] That way you'd be taking yourself out of the situation and not worrying about disappointing anyone's expectations.
Babs finally reaches the weak green light which turns out to be an exit door. She turns around and sees the floor shutting itself off like a bunch of individual house lights. Without thinking, she takes her chances as she opens the door.
On the other side, the door becomes a curtain as Babs trips and falls right onto an empty stage. As she gets herself up and wipes the dust from her blouse, she examines the hollow auditorium as it get dustier and dustier each times she turns her head. BOOM! An unseen stage light aimed directly at her strikes on. Sweat begins to pour from her forehead. BOOM! Another stage light strikes on and is aimed at the once vacant auditorium that is now filled with an entire human audience. Babs continues staying motionless as she hasn't the faintest idea of what to do. She turns to her left and sees a standing microphone ready to go. She approaches it and the entire scene immediately becomes literally the exact same scene as the first time she tried stand-up at a local open mic night a few years ago.
BABS: Hello-
The microphone backfires as she gets a bit too close.
BABS: I'm uh- I'm- I'm-
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You're terrible!
The audience immediately begin laugh and booing for her to get offstage. Babs tries to come up to something to say but can't seem to focus due to the audience. More sweat pours from her head. Tomatoes and other vegetables are now being thrown at her. Completely giving up on the jokes, she now has nothing better to do than to stand behind the microphone and smile awkwardly.
The audience also seems to expand each time it cuts back to them. Harriet even joins in with them and who should stand right in front of the stage but Marvin Sulsuker himself.
MARVIN: What did I say, huh? What did I say? [laughs cruelly]
As the harsh laughs, boos and tomatoes become more uncontrollable, Babs continues to hide behind the microphone and whisper to herself.
BABS: [whispers] Just stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop! Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!
FADE OUT
INT. BABS' BURROW – BEDROOM
Babs springs and screams herself awake from the horrible nightmare she just had and hastily struggles to switch the lamp on as she pants and wipes the sweat from her furry little forehead. She pans over to her alarm clock. 1:48 AM. She could just go back to sleep, but she didn't really want to risk having the same nightmare all over again. So instead, she gets out of bed, grabs the sweater hanging on the doorknob and exits the room.
CUT TO:
EXT. BABS' BURROW
After a quick drink of water, she climbs her way out feeling exhaustively bleak. (She does have a handle that could lift her up out of the rabbit hole but then again, she's really not herself right now so she's not really thinking clearly, is she?) Anyway, she begins to take a stroll outside her neighborhood in the middle of the night. She doesn't really know exactly where she's going or how far she'll go, all she really is right now is engulfed inside her own thoughts of negativity and despair.
EXT. ACME ACRES – GRASSY CLIFF
She comes across a grassy cliff that overlooks the entire town that lights up like any other city would. She never really came here to think back in those days because she would always have everything under control. But now, her thoughts are all scrambled and any single option or opinion that came to her head would immediately be replaced by the exact opposite of that particular thought. She proceeds to sit down near a tree with her arms around her legs as she tries to calm herself down by watching the busy night town. Her emotions then get into the mix along with her thoughts. Without any hope left inside of her, she places her right hand on her face as tears begin to leak from her eyes.
Behind her, a familiar blue rabbit walks along the tiny sidewalk wiping some gunpowder off of his red shirt from earlier and chuckles at the incident he just came from.
BUSTER: Ha ha ha. Man, that was a fun game. Now I see how Daffy always falls for that every time that happens.
As he randomly turns his head to the right, he pauses as he notices a certain pink rabbit sitting on the cliff with all hope lost as she is softly crying. The look on Buster's face completely changes to curiosity as he starts to walk up to her and see if he could try to cheer her up like any usual boyfriend would.
BUSTER: [trying to pull off a terrible Kevin Costner impression] Now I know what she's thinking. 'Now why don't he write?'
BABS: [sniffles, turns] Buster? What are you doing here at this hour?
BUSTER: You know, I could ask you the same thing. But if you really want to know, I was just at your party making sure Plucky got blasted several times with a shotgun just for my amusement.
That little remark almost succeeded at making Babs smile. But instead, she just lightly giggles through her nose and gives a smile that only lasts about two seconds. She then goes back to putting her head down.
BUSTER: Hey, hey. What's the matter? Is that director of yours bothering you again?
She puts her head back up and wipes her nose with her hand meanwhile Buster sits down next to her.
BABS: Wait, how do you know about him?
BUSTER: I sneak into the club every now and then, but that's not the point right now. What's wrong?
BABS: [sniffles] I don't know. It's this whole thing. I'm not usually like this but now I'm not so sure.
BUSTER: About what?
He grabs a tissue from one of his unseen pockets and hands it to Babs. A weird sound comes out of her as she blows her nose. Afterwards, she continues.
BABS: About the show. Sulsuker told me today that my jokes were losing their touch and that I should change them to something more demeaning and without soul. Then I start thinking about whether or not they really were getting old since they're pretty much the same jokes I've been telling for as long as I can remember.
BUSTER: That's not true. I hear new jokes from you everyday.
BABS: Yeah, but they're almost always in the exact same format as my other stuff. Anyway, then I go for advice but didn't work either. First my mom says that I should seek a new career when this is all I know how to do and then Harriet says that I should put this thing on hold at the last minute which I really don't want to do since I'll be disappointing everybody that came but then again, what if I disappoint everyone that comes to the show because you know how quickly comedy styles change and- [grunts] I just don't know what to do. I'm completely lost here.
She places her head back down and proceeds to cry. Buster gets a bit closer and places his arms on hers.
BUSTER: Hey, hey. Come on. This isn't the Babs I know and I've known you a long time. You're supposed to like the next 'Queen of Comedy', for crying out loud. What are you doing talking about not being sure whether this is funny or not? You are what you are! Do you know how many people at Acme Loo wish they could be just like you? Do you know how many smiles and laughs you put on people's faces every morning? Heck, Hamton just bursts out laughing every time you open your mouth! Do you think it matters whether or not your jokes are always the same? They're what make you you. You're the strongest rabbit I've ever met and you're gonna let some stupid comments from someone who doesn't have good taste in comedy stop you from doing what you love?
BABS: [sniffles] Well, what about the audience?
BUSTER: What about them? Just don't worry about them. Look, I know you're gonna go over a bunch of modern day jocks, but you know what? I have just one thing to say to you about them. [turns to "audience"] And kids, you might want to cover your ears for a bit. [whispers in Babs' ear] Screw 'em.
Babs quickly turns to him.
BUSTER: [to "camera"] That's right! I said it! Bring on the 'PG' rating, ya lousy, mindless censors! [back to Babs] Look, if they laugh at you and not with you? Screw 'em. If they don't like your jokes? Screw 'em. If they boo you off the stage? Then just plain screw them! Oh, and screw that director of yours too.
This statement successfully makes Babs laugh.
BUSTER: Neither of them know good comedy when they see it. They're all stuck with their YouTube and their Adam Sandler movies and their Dane Cook. What do they know? Do you know why I always say that you're the best? And don't you dare say that it's just to be polite because that's nowhere near the truth and you know it!
After a bit of silence, Buster continues to talk.
BUSTER: I say it because you are the best. I've always thought that and I'm always gonna think that about you no matter what anyone says. And you know yourself better than anyone. Better than me even. But I know for a fact that you're going to blow them out of the water and they won't even know what hit 'em. Come on, you've gone up against a crowd before. Remember when you tried to do amateur night for the first time?
BABS: Yeah, but I had help. Remember?
BUSTER: Still, just remember what you did there and you'll be all set. Oh, you know what else you could do? Between you and me, if you ever feel uncomfortable or unsure up there, just pretend like you're telling me those jokes. In fact, pretend that the audience is nothing but mes and whatever you do, do not, I repeat, DO NOT stop talking! If someone in the audience isn't laughing, then just keep going because they're bound to laugh sometime sooner or later, all right?
At this point, Babs has stopped crying and is listening to every single word that Buster has been telling her. She slowly begins to smile a bit as she wipes of the last bit of tears and sniffles for the last time.
BABS: You really care for me that much, don't you?
BUSTER: Of course. I love you too much.
With every bit of confidence now back inside of her, she places her arms around the blue rabbit and rests her head on his shoulders.
BABS: You're a great boyfriend, you know that?
BUSTER: So I'm told.
CAMERA pans out of the scene while they continue to share their moment together.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT I
Stay tuned for Act II coming soon. Oh, but don't let that stop you from reviewing it. Feel free to do so.