A/N: Craaaack. That's about all there is to this story. Pure crack. I tried to make a serious story, then realized how long it was since I wrote something funny, so I decided to make this goofy, but it came out not just funny but CRACKY. SO. You'll either love it or hate it. Sorry I couldn't think of anything serious. I promise that sometime, I WILL write a serious Barmaro fic, because I ship them like fuck. Just be patient and accept this to tide you over till then, okay?
UPDATE: For the anonymous sack of horse diarrhea who flamed this. One: the Bensidy thing was a joke. I know, your atrophied brain can't conceptualize that, but bear with me. Two: Barba hates Cassidy. I know, it's hard to think that anyone doesn't think they should get married with three sets of quintuplets.
Rafael Barba hated Valentine's Day, so everyone he worked with thought. Mostly because he wouldn't shut the hell up about it. No less than five people had had their ecstatic moods crushed after Rafael saw the romantic gestures they received and made cutting remarks about them. One woman's flowers were slightly wilted and had more buds than flowers; one man's card had a quote copy-pasted from Hallmark, which Rafael delighted in reciting from memory before patting his shoulder.
It wasn't that Rafael liked seeing other people unhappy. Had this been any other day, he would have at least pretended to be happy for them. It was just that it was Valentine's Day. As far as he was concerned, Valentine's brought out three people. The couples who got mushy, the singles who were depressed at not having a date, and the singles who pretended not to care. Naturally, he was about the only one in a fourth category, the people who truly hated the holiday for reasons other than being single. He'd hated the day when he was in relationships too. He hated Valentine's and hated anyone who noted its existence, whether they liked it or not. But the people who liked it were far more annoying than the ones whining about not having anyone, and he was determined that no one would enjoy it.
As the day dragged on, he earned more and more ire from his coworkers. It came to a head when he ruined a proposal from an ADA in the homicide unit to his girlfriend, who had arrived to pick him up. The ADA had dashed off, saying he'd forgotten a paper and begging her to wait a moment. The team knew that he was actually grabbing his ring. Rafael had then walked down the hall and loudly asked, "Hey, does anyone know who drives the pink Civic? They left their lights on!" Which was true, but the fifteen minutes Aviani would have taken to propose wouldn't have hurt the car.
"Aw, damn," the girl muttered. Turning around to the nearby ADAs, she asked, "Hey, tell Greg to meet me at the car, okay?"
"Sure," another ADA said. As soon as the girl was out of earshot, he turned to Rafael and hissed, "you're an ass, Barba, you know that?"
Rafael raised his eyebrows. "I'm an ass because I tried to save their car battery?"
"No, Barba, you're an ass because you knew Aviani was going to ask her to marry her!"
"Was he?" Rafael asked, feigning utter shock. "My God, I had no idea!" He pretended to think for a moment, then continued, "Well, at least their car battery will work well enough to get them to dinner. I'm sure he can propose there."
The others glared at him in disgust, but couldn't seem to think of anything to say. Rafael walked out down the hall, but just as he neared the elevators, he was stopped by the same ADA whose flower delivery he had spoiled. "You know what your problem is, Barba?"
"Yes, I do know what my problem is. I'm late," Barba replied, hitting the call button on the elevator.
She shook her head. "You can't stand seeing anyone else happy."
"Not today, I can't," Rafael agreed. "It's all artificial anyway. They're just doing it because it's Valentine's."
"So what if they are? Who are you to tell them they can't be happy?" she demanded.
"Look, Meg, I never told anyone they couldn't be happy. I just revealed certain truths to people. It's not my fault if those things ruined the day for them," Rafael argued smoothly. The elevator door opened, and he entered, calling, "have a nice date!" as the doors closed.
Yeah, he was an asshole. He'd probably feel bad about it later. Oh well.
He headed back to the 16th precinct, since Amaro wanted to talk to him. Naturally Olivia had cut out early for a date with Cassidy. Of all people. Oh well, nothing he could do about it, even if he was sure Cassidy couldn't be a much better boyfriend than he was a witness. Which was about the worst possible.
He took the elevator up to the squad room, remembering the time he and Amaro had argued in here. Naturally, it was days later when he finally started thinking of all the awesome comebacks he could have said. But he figured he'd done pretty well under the circumstances. He was still proud of that "are you driving me to the DA's office?" line.
He entered the bullpen and walked to the desks. "Where are Fin and Rollins?" he asked.
"Investigating a lead," Amaro said, looking up from his paperwork.
"What did you want to tell me?" Rafael asked.
"Wanted to show you this." Amaro pulled up a surveillance video from the apartment of their most recent victim. Rafael watched as their prime suspect entered right at the time the victim had been attacked.
"Looks like this one's in the bag. Good job, Amaro," Rafael said.
"Thanks, counselor," Nick replied.
Rafael sat down in Olivia's empty chair, reasoning that there wasn't any rush out of here for once. He leaned back and waited for Nick to say something.
"You got any plans tonight?" Nick asked.
Of course he did, Rafael thought. Of course he'd ask the obvious. "No. Just me and my scotch," he said.
"Better than me and my TV," Nick retorted.
"Probably," Rafael agreed.
Nick looked at him for a moment, then made a decision- Rafael could see it in his eyes. "Then it'll be better with your scotch, your TV, and us."
"Did you just invite yourself to my apartment, Amaro?" Rafael asked.
"Like you were gonna?" Nick returned.
"No, I wasn't," Rafael said.
"Why not?"
"Because I hate Valentine's Day," Rafael said, disgust clear in his voice.
"So? This isn't a date, Barba," Nick pointed out.
"Exactly. The Valentine's anti-date is just as cliché as a date," Rafael said.
Nick shook his head, falling silent for a moment. Then he asked, "So what if we just hang out? Not a date, not an anti-date."
Rafael rubbed his thumb and forefinger together, leaning back more in his chair. He pretended to consider it carefully, then said, "Okay."
"Just like that?" Nick asked in disbelief. "I don't have to beat you down?"
"Would you have tried that hard?" Rafael asked.
Nick looked up at him and replied, brutally honestly, "Probably not."
"Sounds about right," Rafael said. He stood. "You done with your paperwork?"
"I've done enough. Didn't know there was a rush," Nick said, closing his folder.
"There's not. I'm just bored waiting here," Rafael replied.
Nick stood up, grabbing his coat. "You drivin' me?"
"What about your car?" Rafael asked.
"I can just take the subway tomorrow and drive it home," Nick said.
"Alright," Rafael said as he began leaving the squad room.
Neither said anything on the way to the parking lot. Rafael saw a uniformed officer carrying flowers and applauded himself for not ruining her fun. He thought Nick must be a good influence on him. That was certainly unprecedented.
They came to Rafael's car, a black Cadillac. Nick shook his head when Rafael opened the door. "Why am I not surprised?"
"Just get in the car, Amaro," Rafael called from the driver's seat. So he did.
"Where do you live, Upper West Side?" Nick asked.
Rafael shook his head and gave a slight smile.
A half-hour later they were in Rafael's apartment. Nick looked around and remarked, "Funny, this is exactly what I had in mind."
"Glad it fits your standards." Rafael walked past him to the kitchen and pulled out a bottle of scotch.
"You really like your scotch, huh," Nick said.
"No, Amaro, I hate scotch. That's why I drink it all the time," Rafael said sarcastically, taking out two glasses and pouring them each three fingers. He pushed one glass to Nick.
Nick didn't usually drink much, but he reasoned having a little just this once wouldn't hurt. Even though scotch wasn't his drink of choice, Barba had chosen an expensive bottle that tasted smooth, enough that he enjoyed it almost as much as wine.
Rafael sat down and started on his own glass. Not wanting silence to fall, he asked, "So, things aren't working with your ex?"
"No," Nick said, looking at his ring-less hand.
"Well, least that means there's no pressure today," Rafael said. "Think about it. You have to top yourself every year or else you seem disinterested. Eventually it'll be impossible to keep up."
"… Yeah…" Nick said, looking at him. "You really don't like this stuff, do you?"
Rafael shrugged. "I hate Valentine's. I don't mind relationships. I think this damn holiday kind of hurts them. And then the people who don't have them are bitter. It sucks for everyone."
Nick nodded, silently digesting Rafael's words. "But what about the ones who really do like it?" he asked after a while.
"Screw them," Rafael said simply.
Nick snorted. "That easy, huh?"
"No, not easy," Rafael argued. "It took planning to… oh, forget it."
Nick looked at him. "You can't just back out like that. What did you do?"
"Oh, alright," Rafael said, taking another drink. "I ruined two flower deliveries, a card, two other gifts, and a proposal. All from different couples."
Nick looked at him in sheer disbelief for a full 30 seconds. "Are you for real?"
"Yeah."
"You know, Barba, I knew you could be an ass, but this…" Nick should his head. "You're a Valentine's Day Grinch."
"I'll take that title willingly," Rafael said.
Nick started to argue, but then changed the subject. "So why do you hate the anti-Valentine's thing so much, then?"
"Because it's born out of the same feeling. That Valentine's is all-important." Rafael leaned back. "I just think it's fake."
"Uh-huh," Nick said. "So is the way people celebrate Easter, but I haven't seen you ruining any Easter egg hunts."
"Just wait for next year," Rafael said dryly.
"See, Barba, it's not the fakeness that bothers you. You just like feeling better than everyone else," Nick said.
"Maybe," Rafael agreed. He ran his finger over the rim of his glass. "It's a good feeling."
"But it can't be just that," Nick mused. "Or else you wouldn't go this far. You don't try to make other people unhappy to feel better unless it's opposing counsel. So what's the deal?"
"There is no deal. I just hate the holiday," Rafael said.
"That's it? No deep dark story about something terrible happening on Valentine's?" Nick asked.
"Not unless you count that time in 8th grade when I got dumped," Rafael said. "But I hated it before then too."
"So you really are a Valentine's Grinch," Nick said. He grinned suddenly.
"What?" Rafael asked.
"Well, in The Grinch, he learns to like Christmas because he sees the people celebrating Christmas, right?" Nick asked.
"Yes…" Rafael said slowly.
"So, maybe you need to see it too. Maybe you need to see people celebrating Valentine's for the love of it, not just because they think they have to," Nick replied.
"That's stupid," Rafael said shortly. "But… what do we have to lose?" He brushed his hand on the table. "But I don't know any couples like that. Liv and Cassidy are, well…" He was going to say, "the least compatible couple I've ever met," but figured that might rub Nick the wrong way, insulting his partner's choices. So instead he said, "probably not willing to be interrupted."
"Hmm…" Nick hummed. Then, as though it was the most logical thing in the world, he said, "What about us?"
Now it was Rafael's turn to stare. "Amaro, that is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. One: we don't love each other. Two: I already said I'm not doing the Valentine's thing with anyone."
"So let's pretend we love each other," Nick said.
"Amaro, have you eaten anything strange within the last 24 hours? I care enough to bring you to the hospital if you need it," Rafael said.
"No, I haven't. I'm not crazy either. Come on," Nick said.
Rafael glared at him.
"Okay, there's a start!" Nick said triumphantly. "You think this is stupid, but you haven't murdered me yet. See, that's how people care for each other."
"I haven't murdered you yet because I don't feel like washing your blood off the floor," Rafael said, sipping at his scotch.
"You haven't slugged me, either. And it's not just because I'd have your ass beaten in a minute," Nick said.
"If you say so," Rafael said.
"And you gave me the scotch!" Nick held up his glass. "And let me stay with you tonight when I had no one else!"
"I did it ironically!" Rafael argued.
"You did not. You wanted my company. Admit it, Babra." Nick smirked.
Rafael glared again, but said, "Fine. I didn't want to be alone. Happy?"
"No. Admit that you wanted to be with me," Nick demanded.
"I'm not a liar," Rafael argued.
"You just made yourself one. I know you wanted me here," Nick pressed.
Rafael rolled his eyes. "Okay, I wanted you here tonight. Now are you happy?"
"Yep." Nick reached out to pat his hand.
Rafael swatted it. "You are high."
"I'm not, but you're free to think I am," Nick said.
"Whatever. I'm going to bed," Rafael said, standing.
"Can I come?" Nick asked him sweetly.
"If you loved me, you wouldn't need to ask," Rafael shot back.
"Okay, then I'm coming," Nick said.
"One step in my bedroom and you'll regret it," Rafael warned.
"You see, Rafael, there's your problem. Your heart is two sizes too small," Nick said.
"It is. Now shut up and drink your scotch. You're wearing out your welcome."
"Come on, Barba! Admit it. You care about me," Nick challenged.
"I care about you to an extent that comes nowhere near romance or pretend romance," Rafael said.
Nick huffed. "Fine, whatever. I give up."
"That's it?" Rafael asked, raising his eyebrows.
"Yep," Nick said, leaning back and folding his arms over his chest.
"Okay then. Well, I think I've had enough for tonight," Rafael said. "I'm going to my room. Knock if you need me." With that, he stood and walked out of the room.
He turned on his TV. Not to one of the romcoms that was playing, but to Sharknado. He secretly loved that movie.
But halfway through, a knock came on his door. He sighed and paused the movie. "What, Amaro?" he called.
"Can I come in?" Nick asked.
"What if I told you I was naked?" Rafael asked.
"I'd ask why you were naked with company over," Nick replied.
"I'm trying to send you a hint," Rafael said.
"A hint that you want me to leave or a hint that you're attracted to me?" Nick asked innocently.
"Yes," Rafael answered.
"Can I come in or not?" Nick called.
"Fine, you can come in." Rafael gave in.
"I made you nachos!" Nick announced. Sure enough, as he walked in, the smell of melted cheese hit Rafael's nose.
"… Thanks," Rafael said. "But why?"
"Because I care about you, Rafael." He walked to Rafael's bed and set the nachos down, then sat on the side, close enough to Rafael but not in his space. "What are we watching?"
"… Sharknado," Rafael said. "It's this really bad movie about-"
"I know what it's about. It's awesome." Laying back, Nick picked up the plate of nachos. "These are the best nachos ever. I melted three different cheeses here."
"That's tempting," Rafael admitted. He reached out and picked up a chip, sliding it in his mouth. "Okay, that is really good." Now he was contemplating eating the entire plate.
Before he knew it, he had. The movie had just finished when Rafael brought his hand back to the glass and found no chips, only a few globs of cheese. And he was still hungry. He looked at Nick. "Amaro, could you… um… maybe make more of these?"
"I could. But only if you'll listen to something," Nick said.
Rafael nodded. He was pretty sure he'd do anything for more of these nachos. "Okay."
"I made those nachos out of love, Rafael. Those chips were heart-shaped, but I doubt you noticed. I didn't make them because I felt like I had to. I made them for you. To make you happy," Nick told him.
"… Wow," Rafael muttered. He looked down at the plate and swallowed. "That just might be the nicest thing anyone's done for me on Valentine's Day for the purposes of getting me to understand the meaning of love."
He dipped his finger into a bit of cheese and licked it. "Thank you, Nick. This is beautiful."
"No problem, Rafael," Nick said, leaning over to hug him. And Rafael didn't push him off.
And suddenly, Rafael understood a lot of things that he hadn't understood even five minutes earlier. He understood the true meaning of Valentine's Day. He understood what love was supposed to feel like. He understood what nachos truly meant and how loving Nick was and how he cared or even loved him back.
And Rafael Barba, the Valentine's Day Grinch, felt his heart grow three sizes that day. He reached out and hugged Nick back and said, "Come on, Nick. Let's make some nachos. Together. Love nachos. And then we'll watch Sharknado again."
They held hands as they walked to the kitchen. With each bite of the love nachos, the Valentine's Grinch found himself falling in love for the first time since college, probably.
Except he didn't think it was possible to be in love with foodstuff. So he settled for Nick instead.
"Hey Nick? Do you want to go out for dinner tomorrow?" He asked, carrying their plate to the table.
"Sure," Nick said. He hugged Rafael again.
Rafael hugged him back. Then he held up a heart-shaped nacho for Nick to bite.
Resting his head on Nick's shoulder, Rafael sighed. Nachos and Nick and love. If only he'd known what Valentine's Day was really about, he wouldn't have ruined it for everyone else. But at least he had this now, and that was all that mattered.