Disclaimer: None of the ER characters belong to me.
Author's notes: ok, someone had to make fun of what's going on on the show, I just hope I did a good job with this. I tried to include all the characters of ER so don't worry, yours is probably here. This is for comedic purposes only so naturally most everyone is out of character, just warning you. I'm not sure if someone has done something like this before (I don't read many stories), if they have, I deeply apologize. It's been a while since I wrote comedy, so I'm a little rusty.
"The Jerry Markovic Show" by Carolina
The music started, and everyone began to applaud as Jerry walked in and stood in front of the camera, holding his cue cards. "Hi, welcome and boy do we have a show for you today. From triangles to lesbians, to murderers, we'll meet them all, and let's not waste any time. Our first guest today is a nurse at Cook County General, a recovering alcoholic whose mother has manic-depression and is currently in the midst of more than one relationship. Let's welcome, Abby Lockhart!"
The audience merely applauds and Abby walks out, and sits on a chair in the middle. "Good to have you here, Abby."
"Thanks, Jerry," Abby said in a southern accent, looking around.
"Now, says here that you've been sober for 6 years?" Jerry asked.
"That's right, Jerry. I had been drinking since I was a teenager but now I'm clean."
"But as we've come to learn on the show, this has triggered many other events in your life, is that correct? Like the end of a marriage?" Jerry said calmly.
"Ok, that wasn't my fault, alright? The only reason why that marriage ended was because the (beep) cheated on me." The audience gasps. "That's right," Abby added. "Then he stopped paying my tuition so I had to drop out off of med school and go back to (beep) nursing." The audience awws.
"But you've moved on," Jerry said.
"That's right, Jerry. I have my own place, I'm clean, I'm dating a good man, and I'm working in the ER," Abby said.
"That's not all there is to it, though, is it, Abby?" Jerry said. "But we have a little surprise for you today. Let's meet Richard!"
"Boooo," the audience thumbs down.
Richard comes out raising his arms and yelling back at the audience. He looks down at Abby and scoffs, and takes his chairs and drags it away from her before sitting down. The audience keeps booing. "Oh, shut up."
"Richard," Jerry said soothingly. "Thank you for coming."
"Whatever," Richard said; Abby rolled her eyes.
"Richard," Jerry began, pacing around; the audience had calmed down. "You and Abby were married for 5 years..."
"That's right," Richard said.
"How did the marriage ended?" Jerry asked.
Richard scoffed, "Cause she went (beep) crazy."
Abby sprung up, "You cheated on me, you (beep beep) hole!" She tried to hit Richard, but the guards kept her back. "You took that (beep) whore to my bed!"
Richard just gave her a whatever raise of the hand.
"Abby, Abby, calm down," Jerry said.
Abby gave Richard a deadly stare and went back to her seat. "You (beep)."
"Richard," Jerry paced around, pretending to think. "Why? I mean, she's a beautiful woman, looks like a nice person..."
"She's (beep) crazy, alright. Just like her mother," Richard said. Abby was about to stand up again, but they held her back. Richard looked around, "She's not here, is she?"
"No, Maggie is not here," Jerry said. "Now, not only did Abby have to live with the agony of being cheated on, she also had to drop out of med school?"
Richard raised his arms, "I already told her, that the IRS' business, alright."
"That's a lie!" Abby yelled back. "That... is... a... lie! He stopped paying just to get back at me!"
"What the (beep) for?!" Richard snapped. "If I could move you away to another (beep) country I would." They started arguments, the guards holding Abby back.
"Ok, ok, let's calm down!" Jerry called out, and eventually both Abby and Richard returned to their seats. "Abby, are you ok?"
"I'm fine, ok?" Abby said back.
"Now, Abby, you're dating someone else now, right? Someone from the hospital?" Jerry said.
"Yeah, I met him last year when I started working in the ER," Abby said, keeping her eye on Richard.
"So it's not all lost. Let's meet Luka Kovac!" The audience cheers and Luka comes out. He walks over to Abby and embraces her in a kiss to show off. Richard rolls his eyes and whatevers.
"Good to have you here, Luka," Jerry said.
"Thank you, Jerry," Luka said, sitting down and grabbing Abby's hand.
"Now, it says here that you and Abby have been dating for 6 months?" Jerry read from the card.
"Yes," Luka smiled.
"But it wasn't all fun in the sun, was it?" Jerry said, Luka turned serious. "What happened on your first date, Luka?"
Luka looked down, "Well, um, I, um, I killed a man."
"BOO!" the audience yelled.
"Hey, shut up, ok?" Abby yelled back at them. "You don't know me, and you don't know him! Ok? So don't get on his face!"
"Abby," Jerry said to calm her down yet again. "What happened, Luka?"
Luka shifted on his seat. "We were attacked, ok? I had to do something, he was going to hit Abby with a pipe and he stole my wallet. I had a coupon for a free bagel in there."
"So you killed him," Jerry said.
"He didn't do it on purpose, ok?" Abby snapped. "I know what you're thinking," she added, pointing her fingers to the audience.
"That's what you get when you start going out with crazy people," Richard said from his seat passively.
"And you shut up before I knock your teeth out!" Luka yelled at him.
"I can kick your ass, you Serbian (beep)!" Richard yelled back. The audience cheered and the guards had to keep Luka and Richard back.
"Guys, calm down, ok? We have a lot of ground to cover," Jerry said. "Ok, let's move on. Abby? Says here that since everything became better, it turns out that you're not an open person."
Abby shifted on her seat. "Ok, you try growing up with a mom who's crazy, and no dad, and with a flat chest, ok? It's not that easy."
"But you have communicated, haven't you?" Jerry asked. "Just not with Luka."
Abby just rolled her eyes and shook her head.
"Ok, we have a special element of this plot missing here. Let's meet John Carter!"
Carter walked out and the audience merely applauded. He went to hug Abby but Luka kept him back, so he sat on the other seat next to her, giving Richard a nod. Luka stood up, made Abby sit on his seat and took hers.
"Thank you for coming, Carter," Jerry said.
"Thanks for having me, Jerry," Carter said.
"How did you and Abby meet?" Jerry asked.
"We work in the ER, and she came as a student. I went away for a while and then I found out she was an alcoholic. I'm an addict so I guess we hit it off, and she became my sponsor," Carter said simply.
Jerry paced around, "But recently you told her you wanted more than a friendship with her?"
"What?" Luka snapped; Abby patted his hand.
"That's right, Jerry," Carter said.
"What happened, Abby?" Jerry asked.
Abby shifted on her seat. "Don't get me wrong, Jerry, I love Carter. But then who am I going to talk to about my problems?"
The audience began to talk among themselves.
"Don't judge, me, ok? You have friends too!" Abby yelled to the audience. "You don't know nothing about me!"
"Abby, calm down," Jerry said. "Why don't you get a girlfriend?"
"I never got along well with women, alright?" Abby said.
"And that we're going to see in just a second," Jerry said. "Ok, as if this wasn't complicated enough, we have yet another link to this chain. Let's meet Jing Mei Chen!"
The audience cheered and Jing Mei came out. She made Carter stand up and gave him a kiss; Abby just rolled her eyes.
"Whoa, nice to have you here, Jing Mei," Jerry said.
"Thank you, Jerry," she said, eyeing Abby.
"How do you fit into this triangle, which is now more like a pentagon," Jerry said.
"I'm John's friend, we've been friends since med school," Jing Mei said; Carter smiled.
"So you've been there all along," Jerry said.
"I went away for a while but yes, I've always been here for him," Jing Mei said.
"Carter?" Jerry asked.
"That's true. Well, she used to drive me crazy back in med school, but now she's one of my best friends," Carter said. "She still drives me crazy, though."
"I understand she was the first to notice something was wrong with you when, as a doctor, you started taking drugs?" Jerry asked.
"BOO!" the audience yelled.
"Hey! Shut up!" Jing Mei shouted. "I've known him for 7 years, ok? You don't know him! Ok?" Carter patted her hand and calmed her down.
"Are you ok?" Jerry asked.
"Yeah!" Jing Mei snapped back.
"Jing Mei, why are you so angry?" Jerry asked.
"I'm angry? Who said I was angry?" Jing Mei asked.
"She's angry," Carter said; everyone ignored him.
"Do you hate Abby?" Jerry asked.
"No, as long as she stays the (beep) away from John," Jing Mei said.
"Don't tell me what to do, ok?" Abby yelled at Jing Mei. "Where were you when he needed a friend?"
"Hey, shut up, you (beep). I was there all along and I was the only one who was honest with him!" Jing Mei yelled back, standing up.
"Jerry! Jerry!" the audience chanted. The guards stood up and held both women back until they sat down on their respective seats.
"Ok, ok," Jerry said calmly. "Why do you want Abby to stay away from Carter, Jing Mei?"
Jing Mei scoffed, "She's a soul-sucking (beep), that's why."
Luka stood up, "Hey don't talk to her like that!"
"Shut up, Kovac, you're only here because she has you whipped," Jing Mei said from her seat, the audience gasped.
Luka looked like his nostrils were about to explode, but Abby made him sit down.
"She's a soul-sucking (beep)," Jerry repeated.
"You should see them together, Jerry, all they do it bitch and complain. I've known John for 7 years and she's completely sucked the life out of him," Jing Mei almost yelled.
"Well why don't you just take care of him?" Abby asked, standing up. "Just take care of him, it's easy to talk."
"He knows I'm much better of a friend, you (beep)," Jing Mei yelled back and they started bickering again.
"Abby, Abby, calm down," Jerry said and saw them both sit back down. "So, Abby, you're dating a man with whom you're reluctant to communicate, and you have a platonic relationship with a man with whom you can communicate, but when you're around each other you're both suicidal."
"That's right," Abby said.
Jerry looked at her for a moment, "That's heavy."
"Told you she was (beep) crazy," Richard said from his seat.
"I told you to shut up, (beep beep)," Abby yelled. Luka and Carter joined in and the audience began to chant Jerry again. The guards came in and tried to keep everyone back.
"Ok, ok," Jerry said, seeing as the scene went back to normal. "We have reactions from the audience." He looked back, "You, sir, with the scrubs on."
"Dave?" Carter asked, trying to see better.
Dave stood up, looking and pointing at the stage, "Yeah, this is for the guy in the suspenders?"
"Dr. Carter," Jerry corrected him.
"Yeah, whatever," Dave said. "Do you love her?"
Carter shifted on his seat, "Well, love is a funny thing, you see. I love her while she's solving my problems, but..."
"No, no, no, no, do...you... love... her?!" Dave said with attitude, pointing his fingers at
Carter. The audience goes wild. "There's no booze, there's no pills, do you love her!"
"Of course he doesn't," Jing Mei said.
"Shut up, Dave, if you don't want me to kick your (beep). You don't know me! Sit down!" Carter yelled.
"Ok, ok, let's cool it," Jerry said. "Before we go to commercial we have another question from a man sitting in the same seat."
Dave stood up again, "Yeah, if you ask me that Japanese chick would be much better in bed." The audience cheered.
"That's right," Jing Mei nodded.
"Jing Mei?" Jerry asked.
"Jerry," Jing Mei started. "John is my best friend and I'm not gonna let this (beep) ruin his life." She stood up, found something in her pocket and knelt on one knee in front of Carter. Carter gasped and put his hands to the sides of his face, teary eyed.
"Yeah!" The audience cheered as Jing Mei opened a velvet box.
Jerry looked at the camera while the music began. "Ok we have to commercials and we'll leave you with that. This is the Jerry Markovic Show and we'll be right back."
~*~
"Ok, we're back," Jerry said to the camera as the music ended. "And if you think that wasn't tiring already, we have yet more. Employees of this ER are not the only ones in the verge of a breakdown. Our next guest is the Chief of Emergency at County General and we'll get to know more about her in a second. Let's meet Kerry Weaver!"
The audience cheered. Kerry came out and sat on a seat in the stage; the previous guests were gone. "Hi, Jerry."
"Morning, Dr. Weaver, nice to have you here," Jerry said. "Ok, most of what happened in the hospital seemed to vanish when you admitted to everyone that you're gay?"
"I have nothing to be ashamed off, Jerry, I am the Chief of the Emergency Department and I am a lesbian and I will kick your ass in a second if I have to," Kerry snapped.
"YEAH!" the audience cheered, mostly the men.
"Whoa, whoa, let's calm down, ok?" Jerry said.
Kerry shifted on her seat. "I've always been heterosexual, ok? So don't judge me, alright? It hasn't been easy."
"We are not judgmental of other people's lives styles, ok? That's now why we're here," Jerry said. "And I understand that that special person of yours is here?"
"She is," Kerry smiled.
"Ok, let's meet Kim Legaspi!"
The audience cheered as Kim came out and kissed Kerry full on the lips, the men went wild. They finally broke the kiss and sat down, holding hands.
"Good to have you here, Kim," Jerry said.
"Thank you, Jerry," Kim said.
"Now, you're an employee at County?"
"Yeah, well, I was a psychiatrist," Kim said.
"Was?" Jerry asked.
"I was fired recently for no other season than being gay," Kim said.
"Boo," the audience reacted.
"See, the problem is that narrow minded individuals still hold the power in this country, Jerry," Kerry said. "We're not going to hide in the shadows anymore!"
"Yeah!" the audience cheered.
"Speaking of narrow minded individuals, our next guest is the Chief of Staff at County and the man responsible for Kim's dismissal. Let's welcome, Robert Romano!"
"BOOOO!" The audience thumed down. Romano came out, giving the audience the hand. He scoffed at Kim and Kerry and dragged his chair far away from them.
"Thank you for coming, Dr. Romano," Jerry said.
"Can't say it's nice being here, Jerry," Romano said.
"Now," Jerry began to pace. "You recently fired Dr. Legaspi... why?"
"I know you all think it's because of her "lifestyle", and even though the choice is disgusting, I fired her because she's one of the most incompetent doctors we had. She was gonna get fired sooner or later," Romano explained.
"That's not true, and you know it, ok?" Kerry yelled at him. "She's one of the best doctors we have!"
"Whatever, Ellen. It was my decision and I already made it. And if you don't shut the (beep) up you're gonna be next," Romano said.
"The only reason is why he doesn't want us in the hospital is because we're lesbians. Well if you don't like it, why don't you leave the hospital," Kim said, pointing her fingers at Romano.
"That's right, Jerry. We're lesbians!" Kerry repeated, holding Kim's hand.
Jerry chuckled, "Ok, ok, we got that part. Now, Dr. Romano, you seem determined to dismiss both Kerry and Kim, yet you don't want us to think it's because you're a bigot? I mean, we checked Dr. Legaspi's record and it comes with good qualifications."
"Have she told you about how she came on to a patient?" Romano snapped.
"A mentally ill patient, Jerry! She made it up. And what if I were to say you're a chauvinistic (beep)?" Kim shouted.
Romano looked at Jerry and raised his arms, "See? Her attitude. I didn't make it up."
"Shut up, Robert," Kerry snapped.
"You know, Kerry, you were much more competent before you got into Legaspi's pants," Romano said bitterly.
"I bet you were much more competent before you lost your hair," Kim said under her breath.
"What was that?" Romano stood up. "If you have something to say to me say it to my (beep) face."
"What are you gonna do, fire me?" Kim stood up as well. "I can kick your little ass in two seconds."
"Let's see what you got!" Romano challenged. "You want a piece of this?"
"Oh, I wouldn't want that on a plate," Kim bickered back.
"Jerry, Jerry!" the audience chanted while the guards tried to keep Kim and Romano away.
"Ok, doctor, let's settle down," Jerry said. "Now, this is not all that there is to the story. We have a surprise for you, Kim. Let's meet Lori!"
Lori came out and the audience clapped ignorantly. She walked over to Kim to kiss her, but Kerry stood up and shushed her away with her brace. Lori muttered something under her breath and sat down.
"Nice to have you here, Lori," Jerry said.
"Thanks, Jerry," Lori said.
"How do you fit into this picture?" Jerry asked.
Lori looked at Kim, "I'm Kimmy's new girlfriend."
"Lori, I broke up with you 3 weeks ago," Kim muttered.
"But we had sex!" Lori protested.
"Yeah!" a single guy shouted from the audience.
Romano shifted on his seat. "Jerry, how do you expect me to have people like this working under me? I have to run an entire hospital and I shouldn't have to deal with all these (beep) lesbos."
"BOO!" the audience snapped, so did Kim and Kerry until the guards calmed them down.
"Ok, ok, this is a very complicated situation. So let's go to the audience." He looked around. "Yes sir? You have a question?"
Dave stood up again, "Yeah, this is for the guy in the suit?"
"Dr. Romano," Jerry said.
"Yeah. I saw him in another show and he was an Amish Drag Queen," he said. The audience boos. "What up?"
Romano looked around nervously.
"Ok, let's not get out of track here," Jerry said, looking around. "Ok, we have another question from that man who looks strangely similar to the last."
Dave stood up. "Yeah, if you ask me the reason why that bald guy is so against lesbians is because he can't get any himself!" The audience goes wild with cheering.
Romano stands up, "Hey, you don't know me! Why don't you come down here and I'll kick your ass! You (beep) punk. I'll give you a lesson."
"I'll go down there and kick your ass right now!" Dave shouted.
"Jerry, Jerry!" the audience cheered.
"Ok, this is not what we're here for, let's calm down. Sir?" Jerry asked Dave. "Please sit down."
Dave kept staring at Romano, "I know where you work."
"I'll be waiting," Romano called back.
"Ok, enough," Jerry added. "Kim, Kerry, what do you want from all of this."
"We want, acceptance, and we want to be treated equally. What we do outside of the hospital is of no one's business but ours and if he can't take that we're lesbians, well (beep) it," Kim said.
"Jerry, if you had two women like these following you around the hospital all day, nagging, letting everyone know they're gay and coming on to patients, what would you do?" Romano said seriously.
Dave stood up again, "I don't know about you, Jerry, but I wouldn't mind seeing some Kim on Kerry action." The audience cheered, "And Lori, if you need a shoulder to cry on, call me," he winked.
The music started. "Alright, we have to go to commercial. When we come back, the biggest shocker you can imagine, right in the hospital. Don't change the channel."
"We're lesbians!" Kerry shouted.
~*~
"Ok, we're back," Jerry said. "We've all been to a hospital at least once, but have you thought that your life might end purposely in the hands of a doctor? Our next guest is one of the most respected MDs at County. Let's welcome, Mark Greene!"
"BOO!" the audience reacted.
Mark walked out waving his hands to the audience and sitting down on the empty stage. "Sup, Jerry?"
"Nice to have you here, Dr. Greene," Jerry said.
"Sure," Mark said.
"Now, this is a very delicate issue, so we want to approach it delicately... you killed a patient?" Jerry asked.
"Boo!" the audience thumbed down.
"Hey, hey, hey! You don't know nothing about what happened, ok?" Mark shouted to the audience.
"What happened, Mark?" Jerry asked.
"I did not kill anyone, ok? I just let him die," Mark said.
"Booo!"
"Isn't that just the same?" Jerry asked.
"Tomato, tomatoe," Mark said.
Jerry raised his eyebrows, "Ok. We have someone here who's on your side. Let's meet Elizabeth Corday!"
The audience clapped as Elizabeth came out, kissed Mark and sat down next to him.
"Welcome, Elizabeth," Jerry said.
"Thank you, Jerry," Elizabeth said.
"Elizabeth, what was your reaction to Mark's confession?" Jerry asked.
Elizabeth shifted on her seat, "Well, technically he didn't confess, I found out from the police. He explained to me what happened and I am behind him 100%."
The audience booed.
"Oh shut up, you (beep)," Elizabeth snapped.
Jerry turned around. "We have a reaction from the audience. You sir."
Dave stood up again, "What the (beep) is wrong with that hospital?"
The audience cheered.
"What the (beep) do you know about being a doctor, huh?" Mark stood up.
"Hey I can kick your bald ass in a second!" Dave shouted.
"Sir, please," Jerry said. "Now, says here that this man had been shooting people on the street. He was stopped shot and came into the ER where Dr. Green received the trauma. After he was stabilized you took him up to surgery, but he arrested on the elevator and there's where you refused to resuscitate him." Jerry looked up from the cue cards, "So you stopped the elevator, didn't you, Mark?"
Mark shifted on his seat, "Yeah, so? I stopped the elevator, people stop elevators, ok? Don't judge me!" he pointed to the audience. "Ok? You have stopped elevators too! If you don't wanna stop your elevator, you don't have to but because I do, don't come here and... ok I have kids, and I raise my kids, ok? But don't tell me how to raise my kids."
"Ok, Mark, calm down."
"If I wanna raise them in an elevator I'll raise them in a (beep) elevator."
"You don't know nothing about us, ok?" Elizabeth added.
"But when it comes down, he was responsible for the man's death," Jerry said.
"Dammit Jerry, his skull was opened!" Elizabeth snapped. "He had chemotherapy for months! I hope you come to the hospital with an illness some day so I can watch you die!"
The audience booed.
"I hope all of you come down to the hospital some day so I can paralyze you!" Elizabeth shouted.
"Ok, ok," Jerry said. "Mark, what happened after that?"
Mark shifted on his seat again, "Well, Jerry, it wasn't me in that elevator, it was the tumor. So I got my job back and I'm still working in the ER."
"Boo!"
"Ok, we have an objective opinion from the same hospital. A man who has known Mark since his med school years. Let's welcome, Peter Benton."
Peter walked out without much fanfare and sat down.
"Good to have you here, Peter."
"Yeah," Peter said.
"What is your position on this?" Jerry asked.
Peter looked at Mark, "Well, I think it was out of character, but I would have fired him."
"Yeah!" the audience cheered.
"Hey you don't know me, ok?" Mark stood up in front of Peter. "You're all hypocrites, you can't say you haven't done something wrong! You don't know me!"
The audience booed some more.
Jerry paced around, "Elizabeth, you have a baby with Mark."
"That's right," Elizabeth said.
"Is it true that you and Peter used to date?" Jerry asked.
"Yeah, so?" Elizabeth said.
"This is not a triangle, ok?" Mark snapped. "He has a girlfriend, and we have a baby, and don't tell me how to raise my baby!"
"No one's telling you how to raise your baby, Mark," Jerry said.
"Can I go now? I have a surgery at 2," Peter protested.
"Yeah!" the audience cheered.
Jerry turned around. "Ok, we have reactions from the audience again. You sir?"
Dave stood up, "Yeah, this is for the guy in the blue shirt?"
"Dr. Benton," Jerry said.
"Yeah. I read on a tabloid that every woman he dates gets HIV." The audience booed. "What up, man."
"That's a lie!" Peter yelled. "Hey, (beep) you!"
"Is that true, Peter?" Jerry asked.
"Jeanie had HIV before I met her, and Cleo had an accident!" Peter snapped.
"Where is your girlfriend now?" Jerry asked.
"She didn't wanna come," Peter said. The audience booed. "Shut up, shut up!"
Music started again and Jerry looked at the camera. "Ok, we're gonna go to commercial again, when we come back, let's try to tie some knots, don't miss it."
~*~
Music fades, and the camera shows everyone on stage. "Ok, we're almost done here but first I wanted to thank everyone for coming here. Obviously we didn't achieve anything but hopefully it gave America a sense of just who is trying to save our lives out there."
Dave stood up again, "If you ask me, everyone down there needs a damn shrink," he said, getting a wild reaction from the audience. He pointed to Romano, "And if that guy hired them, then he needs more therapy that all of them combined!"
"Why don't you come down here and say it to my face?!" Mark yelled. "Just say it to my face!"
The audience cheered. "You don't wanna mess with me, man. I'll knock those glasses off in a minute," Dave added.
"Let's see what you got?" Mark said, grabbing a chair but the guards kept him back. "I played football in high school!"
"Ok, Mark," Jerry said.
"Can I get the (beep) out of here?" Richard protested.
"I'll get you the (beep) out of here!" Luka shouted, grabbing a chair.
"Bring it on, (beep)," Richard said. Luka ran over, followed by Abby, followed by Carter, followed by Jing Mei, followed by Mark, followed by Elizabeth, followed by all the guards. Dave came down from the audience and joined the riot.
Jerry looked at the camera as all the turmoil continued behind him. "Ok, we've come to the end of the show. My final words: obviously even doctors aren't perfect, but these doctors..." he struggled for words. "Join us tomorrow when we have the world's fattest man. See you then and stay safe."
"We're lesbians!"
El Fin