For SWACsCDC's Channy Contest
Saving Grace
Gazing in through the small crack in the doorway, a young blond boy felt himself tremble at the sight before him; his father with another man: the two were almost naked, kissing on the cold floor. Chad was young, maybe 7, but the images stayed fresh in his mind for the rest of his mind. Maybe he gasped, maybe he took too loud of a step, but his father heard. Then, the little blond boy found himself on the floor, his body numb. Abuse was nothing new; being hated and insulted was just a part of life. Nothing was bleeding, so all he had to do was run his bruises under cold water, then he could go to bed. Maybe in the morning Dad would be gone; there could be silence. Silence was good; silence was happy when it wasn't watched by Dad.
Growing older, growing up unloved, growing up in Los Angeles, under the influence of friends, gangs, secrets, and fame that didn't allow for personal problems. Soon, all that fear, all that sorrow and all those worries turned into something; anger, angst, coldness. They did something; got lost inside and embedded themselves within Chad's flesh...
Maybe that's how it started...maybe that's why; his father's abuse wasn't enough. It didn't express all those hidden emotions. Dad and his rent boys didn't hit hard enough, scream loud enough, or leave scars that stayed. All that didn't force the emotions out. That pain didn't force the emotions out...Choking in hiss-like gasps, Chad made himself feel; made himself express his anger. The loose staple slowly made its way through the boy's skin, silently slithering through his skin. Blood slowly bubbled to the surface, and tears began to obscure his vision, but still the boy forced the foreign object into his flesh. It hurt; it was direct; it was an expression of his anger, his fear, his pain. Now, it was buried; done with. A red, swollen bump remained, holding the divine, painful staple in an orb of blood under the skin.
'No time for goodbyes'...
He said, as he faded away.
Don't put your life in someone's hands;
They're bound to steal it away.
"What is wrong with you?" Sonny screamed, shooting herself around, only to be met by Chad's back as he walked away. "Chad!" Roughly grabbing her lover's hand in a last-ditch attempt to stop him, the raven-haired young woman struck a fresh cut.
"Ah! What is wrong with you?" Chad cried, blaming her for the pain. "Just let me go." Wearing a disgusted face, the young man continued to storm off. This was the second fight the couple had waged this week. Sonny couldn't understand it; what was he hiding? Why would he hide it from her? They shared a trust; ex-lovers, pains, regrets, even what happened between the young woman and her father. What was different?
"Why don't you trust me?" Sonny asked one day, trying to force herself not to cry. This was all so horrid; this was all so wrong. Several days before all this, the two were sitting together on Sonny's couch, kissing one another on the forehead and watching old movies.
Shooting his head up, his eyes wide, Chad pulled his sleeve down to cover the scars; gored flesh molded into the shape of staples, pencil tips, and unidentifiable marks. Then, he thought of everything; everything he had to say, all that he had to confess, all that was leading him through a life of agony...
My father beat me, hired men to be with, let them beat me...I got tired of being powerless; started hurting myself just the way I needed. Why don't I trust you? Why don't I trust any girl I've ever been with?...Because of what I've been through...
I sat there, miles back, it felt like; watching from a crack in my bedroom door and into his open room. I heard what they were saying; "Where's the kid?" he asked as she took his shirt off.
"How should I know?" she replied, letting him violate her. That was a lie; she knew where Zora was. Even though she didn't act like it, she cared about her kid. Not like my father. But still, she lied...she cheated herself, put down her own child. She betrayed everything she was. Then, they did something so horrible; I couldn't look away, but I hated it, but I obsessed over it. She was naked, so was he. It was just...bad. She told him secrets, and he told her secrets; secrets their kids shared only with them. This is what women were like; this is what everyone was like, deep down; once we let relationships kill us from the inside out.
"I don't wanna talk about this," the young man cried out, his voice trembling.
"But I can't even talk to you anymore!" Sonny cried. "You're acting like you're high on something...you don't tell me anything anymore! What changed? What happened to you?" Or are you just getting to know the real me? "I hate this, I hate...us! What we've turned into." His soft eyes starting to burn, Chad remained silent.
"You're done with me," he coined, just above a whisper. "Fine. Bye." Walking away, the boy realized the injury he had just forced into his body.
"Fine! Just go off alone and live your freakin' perfect life!" the raven-haired young woman screamed out. That hurt more than anything else... Sonny saw her father's face, watched the life fade from his eyes, felt the strength fade from his arm as she held it. Then, she and her mother were alone. Watching the distance grow between her and her ex-boyfriend, former best friend, Sonny felt loss enter her body once again. It hurt; it stung; its scars were starting to spread. Images of beatings, remembering the mocking, the fear, and all the lies, Chad felt himself start to bleed.9
Don't know what's going on
Don't know what went wrong.
Feels like a hundred years, I
Still can't believe you're gone.
Sitting all alone in his room, letting the music blare through his headphones, Chad recounted everything that he just threw away; took into account the friendship, the love, and the trust (what does that mean?) of a wonderful person. So what if you can see...the dark inside of me? No one will ever change this animal I have become. So what if you can see that it's not the real me? No one will ever change this animal. His arms exposed and cold, the boy dug his fingers into his blade of his razor, feeling the soft, tender skin start to bleed. Cringing, Chad continued to grope the tissue around until the small blade fell to the ground. Satisfied with a second of success, the young man quickly took in and held a deep breath, and pushed the razor into his arm, feeling the icily-formulated feel of injection; blood easing the sharp tool inside, tissue and tiny fibers bonding the foreign object to the inner flesh of his shoulder. Sucking in air through his clenched teeth, the boy began to cry.
Suddenly, the sound of knocking on the door snapped the young man out of his trance. Shooting his head back, Chad saw Sonny, standing in waiting in the open doorway, viewing and understanding everything before her. "...Wanna talk?" she asked, her voice calm and very caring.
Shaking his head back and forth, unable to speak, Chad whispered, "No." Sonny slowly walked over to her lover, dropped to her knees, and held him; the scars didn't matter. Despite all of this, the truth about Chad's childhood never came out. Channy remained, but on the foundation of Chad's secrets and deception.
Several weeks went by; weeks of lies, weeks of blurs and shadows, and nothing came. Finally, there was an announcement at the studio; family unity day would be this Friday. Sitting alone in his dressing room, Chad rested his head in his hands, fearing what was coming. If he didn't tell his father, the next month would be filled with fear; what if he found out? How will he hurt me? The only choice was to invite him, spend the day in discomfort, tell Sonny some more lies; it's not like that's anything new.
Friday came slowly, but Chad and Sonny found each other together with their families in a crowded room. Things seemed normal; people were treating other people with decency. But then, things changed; not with fists or shoves, but with something; something trivial, or so it seemed; something he was used to.
"Chad," Sonny said, her worried voice just above a shocked whisper. "Does he always talk to you like that?"
Unable and unwilling to fight the losing battle, Chad nodded. "When he's not beating me," he tried not to sob. Her eyes filled with sorrow and compassion for her lover, Sonny wrapped her arms softly around him.
"Your dad isn't right to do that," the raven-haired young woman whispered into Chad's ear. Those words meant so much; maybe Chad was worth fighting for. "And he doesn't have to hurt you tonight..." The two separated, staring into one anothers eyes. "Come home with me...there's an empty room in our apartment. The landlord doesn't care if someone uses it...It'll be okay." Sonny gently stroked her hand through Chad's hair. Maybe he'd been wrong all along.
"Thanks, angel," the blond boy whispered, letting his scars show. "It's nice to know people care."
"Even nicer if you care about yourself," Sonny added, closing her eyes as she lovingly embraced her boyfriend, closing her eyes and resting her head on his shoulder. No more lies, no more secrets; Chad allowed himself to fall in love; Sonny wasn't like that woman: She wasn't like anyone.