A/N: Four years ago today I started posting a parody series that isn't even on ff dot net anymore. Here's a dumb oneshot to celebrate the continued idiocy.

Disclaimer: I seriously love the Chamber of Secrets movie, but if I owned it in any way I don't think I would've made the kids torture their own pets…Also if I owned Harry Potter in any way I'd know how to write Peter. Which I kind of don't, considering as of this posting I really don't know anything about him. So I probably didn't write the original material. I'm going out on a limb here.

Peter didn't enjoy being Ron's pet nearly as much as being Percy's. Nothing ever really happened to Percy; Peter could sleep as much as he wanted and eat whatever leftovers Percy felt like giving him. It was a rather luxurious life that Peter had been quite sad to see end. Now he was involved in far more adventures than he would've liked, and he didn't enjoy the company nearly as much. If this kept up, Peter was strongly considering faking his own death again and moving on to a different pureblood family. He'd heard Ron and his friends discussing the Dark Lord more than once; though his life was rather comfortable now and he hated the idea of it ending, if the Dark Lord ever rose again he wanted to know about it in case he was ever found out.

Frankly, he hadn't been very fond of Ron right from the off, since all the boy did was complain that he didn't have something cool like an owl of his own and that he always got the most pathetic of his brothers' leftovers. As if Peter didn't have his own issues over his Animagus form; this snot-nosed little bugger didn't have to rub it in! Still, this soon passed, considering Ron was a heavier eater than Percy ever had been and brought a much larger variety of snacks for Peter to gnaw on. Even though he didn't clean up after him as efficiently as Percy had, it was still a nice change of pace from the monotony that had been life as Percy Weasley's pet.

No, what rankled most with Peter was the fact that Ron had had to befriend James's son, of all people. And why did the boy have to look exactly like his father? Why did he have to have Lily's eyes? As if Peter didn't feel guilty enough already; now he had to look at the boy every day! Though he supposed that was a fitting penance, and at any rate, their son had survived. James and Lily should be happy with that.

Shouldn't they?

Ah, well. They had died, while Peter had survived. At last, he had beaten The Great James Potter at something, and that was a thing to be proud of indeed.

Ron and Harry's first year had passed without too much incident from Peter himself, apart from the curiosity of how Harry had received James's old Cloak. He supposed Dumbledore must've given it to him; he could vaguely remember James mentioning that the old fool had borrowed it some months before he died. Shame, really, as if he'd had it he might've escaped, but it was better for Peter in the long run.

Then there had been the flying car incident. Peter was still having nightmares, but thankfully most of them happened while everyone else was in class so no one really noticed that a bloody rat had been having nightmares. And they just had to crash into the Whomping Willow of all places. It seemed that being Ron's pet was an exercise in penance indeed. He actually started wondering what Remus was up to these days, something he hadn't wondered about in years. Maybe he was dead as well by this point. He'd probably be in contact with Harry if he was still alive, and it didn't seem like Harry'd received anything from anyone outside the castle, so Peter could only assume the worst. That thought actually made him a bit sad, as Remus had always been the nicest to him. In fact, had it not been for Remus, Peter might not've ended up befriending James and Sirius in the first place.

So it was all Remus's fault, really.

With that rather cynical thought, Peter shook himself awake and tried to focus on McGonagall's voice. For some reason, Ron had seen fit to take him down to Transfiguration with him, despite someone else's pet having been mysteriously petrified not a week ago. He wasn't alone in this strange behavior; Neville had apparently taken Trevor as well as some other people who had toads, and a couple students had even brought their owls. The rest of the students had actually been provided with a wide assortment of animals by McGonagall. Peter missed the days of uniform animals you could experiment on and torment. And wasn't second year the year in which the toughest thing you did was turn rabbits into slippers? He remembered this vividly because that was the year that Remus's condition had been dubbed the "Furry Little Problem" and James and Sirius in particular could not stop cackling over it, the numpties. He did not remember at any point anyone having to perform Transfiguration on their own pet, not in his time at Hogwarts nor Percy's. Maybe this was something new McGonagall was going to try out; after all, you'd care much more about the spell working if it was your own animal, he supposed.

Still, Ron had a broken wand and wasn't a spectacular wizard to begin with. Peter was not looking forward to this lesson.

"Today," said McGonagall, "we will be transforming animals into water goblets."

…What.

"Like so." She tapped the exotic bird before her three times "Ferreverto."

The bird transformed. Peter tried not to wet himself. And why was everybody gasping? Surely they'd seen things like this before! He could understand the Muggle-borns, but everyone else? Merlin…

"Now it's your turn," McGonagall was saying. "Who would like to go first?"

Granger, probably—

"Ah, Mr. Weasley."

No. Nononononono…

"One, two, three…ferreverto."

Maybe he should try running away; there was a small chance he would be quick enough that McGonagall couldn't Summon him back…He didn't even know if Animagi could be Summoned…Ron cleared his throat, and Peter stared up at him pleadingly…He still had time, if he moved now—

"Ferreverto."

Pain like nothing Peter had ever experienced shot through him. This was as bad as the Cruciatus — no, worse — he couldn't feel his paws, his legs, his body, his head — he squeaked in pain without knowing where the squeaking was coming from — the pain receded slightly but he couldn't move, couldn't breathe — he could still move his tail, that was the only thing that wasn't affected somehow — he waved it around frantically, hoping someone would get the message and change him back — he could hear laughing, he didn't know how he could hear laughing — this was just like when he was a student, only worse, so much worse — Ron was picking him up, the parts where his hand touched Peter's fur screamed in agony — all McGonagall was saying was how Ron should get his wand replaced, as if mess-ups like these didn't happen regularly when one was first learning to Transfigure, not everyone could be Hermione Bloody Granger or James Fucking Potter — and now she was going on about the Chamber of Secrets, why wasn't Ron stopping her — at least he had put him back down — he'd stopped squeaking from exhaustion, he just wanted this to end, why wouldn't it end—

He stopped moving his tail, he just couldn't keep it up anymore…McGonagall was still going on about how Slytherin didn't want Muggle-borns…Like he cared about this, he just wanted out…He strongly considered transforming back into a human if only it would make the pain end…Why was she still talking…Throwing all caution to the wind, Peter concentrated, but wasn't able to transform one way or the other…He was truly trapped, more trapped than he had been even with the Death Eaters…

"No such Chamber has been found," McGonagall seemed to conclude. Finally, she was done, now all that had to happen was—

"Professor," began Hermione, clearly asking a follow-up. Peter would bite that Mudblood's jugular open when this was done. He tuned out the rest, trying to tune out the pain as well but that wasn't nearly as easy.

"It is said to be the home…of a monster," McGonagall finished. And the bell mercifully rang not thirty seconds later. Bracing himself for the fresh wave of pain this time, Peter felt himself being picked up by Ron and brought up to McGonagall's desk.

"Er, Professor?" Ron said hesitantly, holding Peter up. "Would you mind?"

"Of course, Mr. Weasley, but you really must look into getting a new wand," said McGonagall, performing the countercharm with ease. Peter signed in relief as he felt his arms and legs grow back, scratching the back of his head with his hand. It felt so good to be human again…

Wait.

Peter looked down at his hands, flexing his remaining fingers slowly. He looked up to see half the students that remained in the classroom staring at him in shock, and Ron in particular looking very green under his freckles.

"Uh," said Peter intelligently. He turned and saw McGonagall also staring at him in astonishment, her wand still pointed at him. She didn't seem fit to use it at the time, however, so Peter attempted to transform into a rat once more. He jumped off her desk and started running as fast as he could, but he heard McGonagall shout "Stupefy!" and everything went black.

Peter woke up in a holding cell in the Ministry where he was immediately force-fed Veritaserum by Rufus Scrimgeour and was made to tell everything. He immediately confessed to being an unregistered Animagus (though mercifully no one thought to ask his reason for becoming one), a Death Eater, and the person who betrayed the Potters to their deaths. While the potion was wearing off, he was able to vaguely piece together what had happened since he'd been Stunned by what the Aurors were saying.

When Professor McGonagall had initially came to the headmaster with this shocking discovery, Dumbledore, anticipating Fudge attempting to cover up this scandal completely, had made sure to contact as many Ministry officials as possible including the likes of Amelia Bones. He also made sure to invite several select reporters from the Daily Prophet to be present when he explained what his Transfiguration teacher had discovered. Luckily for everyone involved, Fudge wanted to remain on both Dumbledore's and Harry's good sides, so he framed it to the press as if he was writing a severe wrong that had been done by a previous administration that his hands had been tied in, shifting all blame onto Barty Crouch, who was sacked in disgrace.

The trial that took place the following month attracted loads of media attention as everyone argued that a serious miscarriage of justice had been committed several times over. After Peter Pettigrew was declared guilty, Sirius Black himself was finally granted a trial where he was, at long last, proven innocent. This declaration caused an outcry from the general public demanding that everyone who had been thrown into Azkaban without a trial receive one as well so they could make sure that only those who had been proven guilty would suffer there, and that there would be no more innocents forcibly locked up. Soon several assumed Death Eaters such as Dolohov, Travers, and Mulciber were all officially convicted of the many crimes they had convicted as Death Eaters, and everyone was able to rest easier knowing that there were no other innocents that had been unfairly locked up.

Sirius had to undergo a long rehabilitation process in St. Mungo's after he was released, and after he was cleared by the Healers immediately filed for custody of his godson. Harry was overjoyed to know that he had not only a godfather, but someone who cared enough about him to ignore Dumbledore's wishes that he remain with the Dursleys each summer. When Dumbledore objected, Sirius threatened to pull Harry from Hogwarts altogether and be homeschooled by himself and his old friend Remus Lupin if Dumbledore insisted on keeping Harry in a home where he had been very obviously neglected for years. Dumbledore tried to persuade Sirius to see reason by reminding him that if it hadn't been for Dumbledore, Remus wouldn't have been able to go to school in the first place, and that Sirius should therefore trust Dumbledore to go on making the correct decisions regarding his students. However, all Sirius heard by that statement was that since Dumbledore did right by one child, Sirius should stand idly by while he toyed with the life of another. Sirius wasn't about to have any of that. Dumbledore reluctantly agreed to Sirius's terms in the end.

Once Sirius tracked down the old two-way mirror set that he and James had used in school, he and Harry were able to pool their resources and figure out what was truly happening at Hogwarts regarding the Chamber of Secrets. Being raised in a family of Dark wizards, Sirius was able to recognize the diary as a Horcrux right from the off, and was able to help greatly in finding and destroying the rest of them, even getting the truth out of Kreacher about Regulus and thoroughly searching several Death Eaters' family vaults just in case, finding them easily. He and Remus both kept a basilisk fang, courtesy of Harry, on them at all times just in case they ran across one.

Remus taught Defense Against the Dark Arts the following year, and once Harry gained possession of the Marauder's Map, the two of them added the Chamber of Secrets to it together. Everyone heavily enjoyed having Remus as a teacher until Snape, in his jealousy and contempt, revealed his condition near the end of the school year. Remus resigned voluntarily but it made Sirius start up a campaign for werewolf rights, which Hermione assisted him in researching extensively and over half the student population signed off on. Throughout it, though many steps were made in the right direction, Remus had preferred to fade into the background. However, it wasn't long before his dating of a newly-minted young Auror dragged him back into the limelight, though he didn't mind as much at that point.

The following year, the Imperius Curse placed upon Barty Crouch Jr. wore off, and his father was reported as having mysteriously vanished, many believing that he fled the country in order to escape the horrible shame he had endured. Months later, Crouch Jr. succeeded in restoring Voldemort to a physical body through the simple method of planting a Portkey onto Harry while he was passing by in Diagon Alley around Christmas. Thankfully Harry had had his mirror on him at the time and was able to give Sirius a rough outline of where he was so that Sirius could form a rescue party. Voldemort managed to sneak in a Killing Curse while Harry was hiding behind a headstone, however, but this only succeeded in killing the part of himself that was in Harry. Sirius, Remus, Tonks, Mad-Eye, and Dumbledore were able to rescue Harry and capture several Death Eaters while Voldemort was disoriented and desperate to escape.

With so many eyewitness accounts, no one could deny that Voldemort had returned, and Harry, with Professor Moody's help, started up an actual dueling club this time and was brought on by Mad-Eye as an official tutor. The following year, another Auror had a go at teaching Defense and leading the Defense Association. Halfway through the year, the students had to stop calling her Professor Tonks and get used to calling a different teacher Professor Lupin, though no one really complained. When she felt like recovering an old, forbidden book she'd hidden away when she had been a student, she stumbled upon Ravenclaw's lost diadem which she'd recognized from sneaking into the Ravenclaw common room once or twice and immediately handed it over to Dumbledore. At the end of the school year, she was forced to resign as well so that she could give birth, and after a short time of maternity leave went back to being an Auror, claiming it was a far less stressful job than teaching had ever been. Her husband had no problem being a stay-at-home dad.

Over that summer, Dumbledore took Sirius with him while looking for the Ressurection Stone and therefore was prevented from putting the ring on like a complete idiot. This left only the snake, which was killed at the Battle of Hogwarts the following year when Voldemort threw all of his strength into a last-ditch attempt at taking over the castle and where Snape showed his true colors by murdering Nagini, thus paving the way for Harry to finish Voldemort off with yet another Disarming Charm, much to Remus's simultaneous frustration and amusement.

Not long after the second war (that had never really blown up into a full-blown war) had finally ended, Peter quietly passed away in his cell in Azkaban. No one really mourned him, but the reminder of his existence prompted Dumbledore to issue a new rule at Hogwarts, stating that everyone bringing in a pet must first run it by the Transfiguration professor of the time to make sure that it really was a pet, because no one liked the idea of a fully-grown person's waste being cleaned up by underage students where said students slept and changed clothes and got up to other various teenage shenanigans. Thankfully, nothing of the kind ever happened again, though the rule remained just in case. All was well.

A/N: Wrote all of this in a day and really only intended to write the first half. You may have noticed that I didn't make Peter refer to any of the other Marauders by their nicknames. This was a deliberate choice. You could reason that it's because that even Peter realizes that he doesn't deserve to call them by those precious childhood monikers, even in his own mind, or something of the sort…Buuuut it's actually because I was rolling with film-canon rather than book-canon and as such I would've had to add vowels where there aren't supposed to be any if I used a certain nickname in particular and I'd really rather not encourage such nonsense. The second half just sort of…happened. My fingers would not stop typing, it was a little creepy. Guess I wanted to focus on something happy after everything that's been happening recently, even if it's all just wishful thinking about a fictional universe coming out better than it did. SHRUG-FACE.

Review or you'll be forced to turn your pet into an abomination from hell that apparently you're supposed to want to drink from and somehow you won't be accused of cruelty to animals by doing so.