As the realization that he'd have to go back set in, so did many emotions, most of them being quite unpleasant. The fear, the anxiety, the sadness, all of it, were closing in like walls around him. But most of all, there was a fear of the shame and disappointment. Larten had walked out without a word all those years ago, which was actually not that unusual for a vampire, but with being so close to becoming a prince, there was a lot of unanswered questions.
He thought of Seba, his old mentor. How happy he would be to see him, and how shocked (in a good way, hopefully) to see he had blooded a young assistant. But he also thought about the way Seba would look at him as he asked why he ran, and he thought of the sad look in his eyes as he said how much he missed him. The bittersweet memories of his days with Seba and his old brother were a lot to bear at the moment. Because thinking of the past brought up pictures of him. His younger, misguided brother. It hurt to think of what had happened, how it had ended. Larten tried to convince himself that there was no other way, but he couldn't help but think that it could have been different.
And with thoughts of Wester, came thoughts of his young assistant. He feared not only for himself, but for Darren as well. He remembered his days as a young spitfire, eager to fight and become part of clan. But he also remembered the feelings of alienation when he first made the journey, the feelings of not fitting in. Of being unwelcome and unwanted. Darren is not like he was when he was first joining the fold of the clan. Darren is much younger, more inexperienced, and more importantly, less willing to accept becoming a creature of the night. He would question the ways of the vampires endlessly, and would be ostracized for being no more than a child.
Larten couldn't help but feel the sharp twinges of guilt as the days grew numbered. He'd left behind friends and family alike, and he had nobody but himself to blame. He remembered Seba being offered the position of a prince, and him facing Paris himself and turning the offer down. Larten had ran, like a coward. Once a coward, always a coward, a thought that bitterly lingered in the back of his mind. The word brought pictures of Alicia, Gavner, Wester, and his old family dancing in front of his eyes. He lied to the woman he loved, and when she found out the truth, he ran from her. He killed the parents of a child, and instead of facing the retribution, he dumped him on some poor woman, and he ran. He killed his one and only brother, who loved and admired him through thick and thin, and he ran. He killed his old foreman, abandoned his home, and he ran. He ran from those he loved, because he did not wish to cause them pain, but in the end he just caused more suffering for those who loved him.
He lay awake thinking of his past the night before him and Darren departed for Vampire Mountain. His chest ached with guilt and sorrow, so much so it was unbearable. His thoughts flickered back to that night in Greenland, and how close he was to ending it all. He felt much the same then as he did now. He fought back tears thinking of the many homes and families he left behind. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep, so he got up and toured the Cirque, saying his last goodbyes to the place he called home for the last chapter of his life. And with the Cirque, he got memories of happiness. He remembered those times he spent with his old family and friends, getting drunk, dueling, training. He remembered Gavner's raucous snoring, Arra's crooked teeth, Vancha's booming voice, Seba's kind smile, Kurda's shockingly clean hair, Alicia's soft, sweet laugh, and Wester's always smiling eyes. Those were all things he had left behind, and he had never realized until now how dearly he had missed them. Granted, some of them he would never get back, but the things that he still had access to suddenly seemed very appealing. He knew that it would be a long, hard journey to get there, most likely filled with misadventures and bad luck, but after all this time, he was finally ready to return home.