Hello one and all to the DESTIEL ALERTNATE UNIVERSEEXTRAVAGANZA. I am your humble writer, Owl Lady, and today I've written you a few short Destiel AUs. I hope you like them. ENJOY
Librarian Au:
"MY GOD" Castiel moaned as he studied the shelves at the Charles Shurley Public Library. Dean, who was leaning against said shelves, looked at Castiel sarcastically with a smirk on his face.
"What seems to be the problem Cas" Dean asked. Castiel turned to Dean, and had an expression of extreme annoyance across his face. It reminded Dean of a constipated person.
"There are these...these hooligans that come in to the library every so often, and all they do is make noise, moving stuff around, and basically jerk off. I am ninty-nine point nine nine nine nine nine percent sure that they used a few pages from Ulysses to roll their joints the other day" Castiel said in a hushed, but furious tone. Dean smiled and tried to keep himself from laughing. Castiel had always been passionate about his job. Maybe a little too passionate, but hey when did a little passion ever hurt anyone.
"So what did those, and I'm quoting you directly here, hooligans do this time" Dean asked. Castiel's hands shot towards the bookshelf and pulled out a colorful book with a giant butterfly on the side.
"THIS" Castiel said as he shoved the book in Dean's general direction. Dean took the book out of Castiel's hands and examined it like he felt Castiel wanted him to. It was the library's copy of the popular, but redundant children's book Mrs. Butterfly Explores The World. Dean casually flipped though the pages, and found none of them ripped. There wasn't anything sticky or messy on the cover. No one had scribbled all over it, which is a miracle in its self considering the fact that it is indeed a children's book.
"I don't see the problem Cas. It's not damaged, and hey at least they put it back on the shelf" Dean said. Castiel glared at Dean and Dean felt like he was being melted from the inside.
"What" Dean asked. Castiel huffed.
"Dean...they put it on the shelf" Castiel reminded him. Dean nodded his head.
"Yeah they did Cas, that's what we encourage everyone to do when they finish a book" Dean said. Cas glared again.
"Dean we are in the reference section" Cas said. Dean pushed for a moment then looked around. The shelf next to him had thick leather bound dictionaries and almanacs, so Dean was pretty sure Castiel was indeed correct.
"I see the problem now" Dean said. Cas rolled his eyes and snatched Mrs. Butterfly out of Dean's hand and placed it in his cart.
"Honestly Dean it boggles the mind how you ever got a job here...how did you even get a library science degree" Cas asked as he rolled the cart down the aisle whilst Dean followed. Dean smirked.
"I'd like to think its because of my perky nipples" Dean said. Cas snickered.
"Or maybe the perky nipples of your professor if you catch my drift" Castiel said. Dean crossed his arms.
"My professor was a seventy-nine year old Icelandic woman...there was nothing perky about her" Dean joked. Cas chuckled again as he placed a large book on the shelf. Dean honestly didn't now why he had his job either, or why he kept it. He'd been offered a couple of way easier jobs that payed far more money, but he couldn't bare to leave. Dean, of course, knew why, but that was just a silly daydream that would never amount to anything.
"You had it good. My entire school experience was taught by catholic nuns who whacked the shit out of the back of my hand like God had commanded it" Castiel said. Dean smiled brightly.
"They shouldn't have done that to you, since your such an angel" Dean said. Dean was feeling a little edgy tonight, so why not. Castiel looked at him.
"I'm not sure if your referring to my name, or my strict code of book keeping" Castiel said.
"Neither" Dean said. Wow, he really was feeling rambunctious tonight. Castiel looked at Dean unsure who to respond. Dean smiled and decided 'what the hell'.
"Hey Cas...would you like to go get some coffee after work...you know...like date wise" Dean awkwardly said. Castiel's facial expression didn't change. Castiel sighed.
"It's about damn time you asked me out, I was beginning to think you where dumber than the hooligans" Castiel said. Then he wheeled his little cart to the end of the aisle and turned the corner. Dean stood there stunned, not nosing what to say.
"You little bitch" finally escaped. Dean heard a small giggled from the otherside of the shelf and decided to join it. Who knows, maybe he'd get to knock 'make out in the reference section' off his bucket list tonight.
Fashion Designer Au:
"CASTIEL GET YOUR ASS IN HERE THIS INSTANT OR I WILL PIN YOU TO THE FUCKING WALL" Dean Winchester yelled. Yes, that Dean Winchester. The Dean Winchester who had been all the rage in Milan for five years straight. The Dean Winchester who had done things with fabric that where damn near impossible. The Dean Winchester who could make a truck stop hooker look like a million bucks with just a scarf and a bobby pin. Yes, that Dean Winchester.
"CAS-T-FUCKING-IEL" Dean yelled again. Suddenly a man in tight skinny jeans and a skinny tie ran up to Dean. Dean looked furious, if you couldn't already tell that from his words.
"What the in hell is going on" Dean asked Castiel shrugged.
"Specify what particular hell your talking about" Castiel asked. Dean's entire person flared with rage.
"Cassie, I have six, COUNT THEM, SIX fucking days to make something new and all I'm getting from everyone is utter and complete filth. So I'll ask again. What kind of crack is my design team smoking that is causing their work to go straight into the shitter" Dean asked. Castiel sighed. Being the head of Dean Winchester's design team was a great job, but then there where times like these.
"Um well, we all are not smoking crack, or at least I hope we've siphoned Ash off smoking the occasional blunt" Castiel started. Dean shook his head in remembrance.
"I wish we wouldn't have done that. His work just isn't the same since" Dean said as he picked up his Cruella De Vil esque cigarette holder and took a few puffs from it. Castiel hated that thing. It reminded him of the rich white French women Dean always seems to be hanging around. Not to mention everyone on the design team secretly calls him Cruella Dean Vil.
"Anyways. We've been coming up with some really inspired work Dean. I think this has been one of our most creative periods ever" Castiel argued. Dean glared at him.
"Oh really. Where is the work, because I haven't been seeing inspire ideas for weeks" Dean said. Castiel took a deep breath and kept his cool.
"Dean. We've been doing remarkable work for the difficult direction your going with. Our worst project would blow Chanel and Armani out of the water" Castiel said.
"Cassie I don't think you understand. I don't just want to blow people out of the water. I want to strap C4 to their chest, pop a stick of dynamite up their butts, set them on fire, and make them shit themselves" Dean said. Castiel smiled.
"We will certainly set our new goal to Shit Themselves" Castiel said. Dean sighed.
"That's all I ask for Cassie...besides the point our new direction isn't difficult at all. You should be churning out masterpieces hourly" Dean said. Castiel held back again.
"Dean our message is a little...twisted" Castiel said. Dean's eye bulged in horror and shock.
"TWISTED. How is our message twisted. I just want to create designs that princesses can wear to royals wedding, but at the same time you could dig graves in them and shoot ducks. I want the upper and lower classes to be brought together with some blouses and a nice sundress. Is that to much to ask" Dean said. Castiel sighed.
"Dean. You are wearing hot pink skinny jeans and the tightest black button up shirt I've ever seen in my life. Your not exactly screaming working class" Castiel said. Dean squinted angrily at him.
"I will have you know I only grew up with a single father and my brother. I would go for days without eating just to make sure my Sammy could eat while dad was drowning himself in the bottom of a whiskey bottle. I worked two jobs, went to high school, played starting football all four years, and got a blowjob from every sexy girl in Lawrence, Kansas. I'm the definition of working class" Dean ranted. Castiel just slightly nodded his head as he heard about Dean's tragic backstory for the 3,453rd time.
"I'm apologize Dean. I never knew you had it so hard" Castiel said for the 3,453rd time. Dean nodded his head thankfully and went back into 'Diva Dean' mode.
"Have you got anything that won't burn my eyes out from hideousness" Dean asked. Castiel smiled at Dean when he remembered his sketch book in his hand. Cas opened it and flipped onto the page he had just finished not but 30 minutes ago.
"Ok so I was thinking. What do working class people love? I thought about it and this idea just hit me. Plaid, they love plaid. Every plumber, trucker, and candlestick maker wears plaid. It's almost like it's a job requirement. I was also thinking that Scottish people like to wear plaid, and at some point in time some Scottish dignitaries must have worn plaid, it's apart of their culture. So I ran with it and I did a few different things here and there and if I must say so myself, it's not half bad." He said as he presented his drawings to Dean. Dean reached over to his desk and grabbed his pair of hot pink Cat Eye glasses. He put them on to examined the sketches.
"Oh Cassie, you keep me young" Dean said as he looked the designs over. Castiel didn't say anything even though he was 4 years older than Dean. Suddenly Dean quickly grabbed a pencil from his desk and took ahold of the sketch pad.
"Cassie do you know what would go just perfect with this...your ugly, hideous, god awful trench coat that you wear everyday. We could put a less terrible one on this guy, and perhaps we could make a shorter more fitted one for the girls...oh I'm so in love. I want these designs to marry me and screw me on the kitchen counter" Dean said. Castiel smiled and nodded his head. Dean handed the sketch pad back to Castiel.
"So you like the idea of plaid" Castiel asked. Dean slid his glasses down to the end of his nose and looked over the too of them.
"Oh of course not. They are the most vile designs I've ever seen in my life. I wouldn't use those designs to mop dog piss off of my floor. Canadian homeless people wouldn't wear those designs in the middle of a snowstorm. I'd rather go into space without a spacesuit than to put on those designs" Dean said. Castiel nodeded.
"So the only thing you like is the coats...that you drew" Castiel asked.
"Of course" Dean nodded. Castiel smiled.
"Excellent. I get a team working on those stat" Castiel said as he held back some rage. Castiel nodded at Dean and began to walk out of the room. Castiel turned around, he'd remembered something else.
"Are we still on for dinner tonight" Castiel asked. Dean looked up at Castiel.
"Cassie, I'd rather wear your hideous plaid suit then miss dinner with my beautiful, sexy husband" Dean said as he walked over and kissed Castiel's forehead before he walked back to his desk and ignored him. Castiel smiled. It's those moments that make his job worth while.
Black Friday Au:
"HEY THATS MINE" Two voices said simultaneously. Two men both grabbed the same item at the same time as the other.
"Dude what the hell I saw it first" said a buff blonde guy wearing a plaid shirt and sweatpants.
"Excuse me sir, but the rules of Black Friday do not specify that the item in question go to whomever saw it first. I am the one who grabbed it first therefore it's mine" said a slightly shorter man with really blue eyes and a I Heart Jesus t-shirt on.
"Dude screw you and your freaking ten dollar words. Give me the damn Game of Thrones DVDs before I boot your ass back to Sunday school where you belong" Te blonde threatened. The other man squinted his eyes in contempt for the other guy.
"Listen you fucking idiotic lumberjack. I need this season to find out what the hell happens" The other man said.
"Dude you came to the fucking store on Black Friday to buy Season four just so you didn't have to wait a couple days" The blonde man said. The other man nodded. The blonde man sighed.
"Me too" The blonde man said. He held out his other hand for the man to shake.
"My name is Dean" He said. The other man looked at Dean's hand warily.
"I'm not shaking your hand. Your trying to catch my off guard and steal GOT" The man said. Dean shrugged and took his hand back.
"Jesus freak is smart" Dean said. The man rolled his eyes.
"This isn't my shirt, and my name is Castiel not Jesus Freak" Castiel said. Dean smiled.
"Castiel is the name of the Angel of Thursday, so I'm calling bullshit. That's is so your shirt" Dean said. Castiel glared at Dean.
"Shut up" he said. Dean smiled.
"So how did you get into the series" Dean asked. Castiel flashed him a 'are your seriously chatting about television whilst we are fighting over blu ray copies of said television show' look.
"My friend is in it" Castiel replied none the less. Dean nodded.
"Cool, what part does he play" Dean asked. Castiel shrugged his shoulders.
"I don't know, it's someone who died and had sex with a hot girl" Castiel said. Dean blinked a couple of times.
"Your gonna have to be more specific than that" Dean said.
"I don't know the guy's name because he's in season four and this blonde jack off won't let go of the damn set so I can go home and watch the series" Castiel said. Dean rolled his eyes.
"Well my friend Charlie introduced me. She and her girlfriend loved it so they thought I might like it...maybe I shouldn't have mentioned that" Dean said.
"Why" Castiel asked.
"I just mentioned I have a lesbian friend and your a Jesus Freak, you might come picket her funeral or something" Dean said. Castiel looked pissed off.
"I'm gay you fucking asshole, and just because I'm wearing a I Heart Jesus shirt doesn't mean I'm a stereotypical douchebag like you" Castiel said.
"Your gay...but you said your friend banged a hot girl" Dean asked. Castiel rolled his eyes.
"I'm gay you idiot not blind" Castiel said. Dean chuckled slightly. Castiel started laughing to and Dean took the opportunity to yank the box set of of Castiel's hand.
"YOU FUCKING JERK OFF" Castiel yelled at Dean. Dean smiled.
"You knew what Cas, I'm gonna call you Cas, I think your a pretty cool dude. So how about I pay for my box set, we both go back to my apartment, and we can watch them together" Dean said as he waggled the box set in Castiel's face. Castiel rolled his eyes.
"We can't watch the entire season in one night Dean" Castiel said. Dean smirked.
"Then that just gives you an excuse to come over to my apartment again" Dean said suggestively. Castiel paused momentarily and rolled his eyes.
"Is this who you normally pick people up. Hovering their most wanted possessions in front of their face and offering to go back to your apartment" Castiel asked. Dean shrugged.
"I usually go to a bar, but hey I'll always try something once. Even if they are a Jesus Freak" Dean said. Castiel sighed, but Dean could see a slight smile hiding in the corner of his mouth.
"This season better be worth it" Castiel said as he accepted defeat. Dean smiled and held the box set out to Castiel. Castiel took hold of it with one hand and both men walked hand in box set in hand to the register.
Prison Au
"So what are you in for" asked inmate 60855-066, or as he was more commonly known, Dean. A rugged guy in the corner of the cell looked up at Dean.
"Didn't anyone tell you your not supposed to as that question" said the man in the most gravely voice Dean had ever heard.
"Nope" Dean said like a smartass. The guy in the corner glared at Dean with his blue eyes that looked to innocent to belong in Purgatory State Prison.
"Ok, I'll play your game. I'll tell you why I'm in here if you tell me why your in here, and win me a pack of cigarette by the end of the week" Castiel bargained. Dean smirked.
"Sounds fare to me...inmate 54011-004" Dean said as he saw the black numbers on the man's clothes.
"A few years ago...I went a little crazy. I hung out with these people who called themselves The Leviathans. We all where apart of the same church group and I became their friend. Eventually I became their leader. I commanded them to kill dozens of innocent people all in the name of purifying the earth of those who sin against God" Inmate 54011-004 said. Dean's eyes where wide.
"Dude you sound like fucking Charles Manson" Dean said. Inmate 54011-004 rolled his eyes.
"You sound like the lawyers at my trial" Inmate 54011-004 said.
"Why are you here instead of some federal funny farm" Dean asked. Castiel rolled his eyes.
"I'm not crazy anymore, and I never actually killed anyone. I just had people do it for me" Inmate 54011-004. Dean seemed to be remembering something from a while ago. His face lit up with recognition.
"Holy shit your Castiel Novak...I remember watching your trial on tv" Dean said. Castiel rolled his eyes.
"Half the people in here watched my trail. Your not that special" Castiel said. Dean smiled.
"I've always wanted to thank you for what you did" Dean said. Castiel rasied his head in confusion.
"What" Castiel said. Dean smiled.
"What you did was a good thing. When I first heard that you where purging the world of sinners I thought you'd killed like some gay people and some nice guys with tattoos. When the tv said you'd killed an entire church's leadership because they'd picketed gay and military funerals...I wanted to shake your hand" Dean said. Castiel smirked.
"It's an ironic situation, in order to get those sinning assholes out of the world I decided to commit a worse sin" Castiel said.
"Dude it like says in the bible that there are so worse sins. Murdering someone and lying and gay bashing are all equal offenses. So you've done no better or worse than anyone else on the planet" Ddan said. Castiel scoffed.
"Yes, but liars don't go to prison" Castiel said.
"I did" Dean said.
"Over 300 counts of forgery, impersonating a federal officer, and grave desecrating" Dean listed off. Castiel looked disgusted.
"Do I even want to know" Castiel asked. Dean shook his head no. The two sat in awkward silence for a little while before Dean broke it.
"So how do you recommend I survive in here" Dean asked.
"Don't be a smartass, don't make waves, and if someone asks you be bend over in the shower and they're bigger than you, you bend over like the little bitch you are and take it like a man" Castiel said. Dean smiled.
"Sounds like a party" Dean said.
High School Teachers Au
"Did the South really loose the Civil War? I know what your all thinking. Well yeah they did, if they hadn't we'd all be slave owners right now. That's not what I'm talking about though. Of course the South physically and legally lost the War, but did they loose the war in terms of the slaves. Now I want you to think about this. After the slaves where freed the Slav-" Dean started to rant in his American history class before a couple of knocks came at the door. Dean looked that way and saw his best friend Castiel on the other side.
"Ok while I'm talking to Mr. Novak I want you to be thinking of ways that the South actually won the war" Dean said. Dean walked over to his door and walked outside to visit with Castiel.
"Dean, I was wondering if you might want to do a project with our two classes. In English we are going over the importance of dialects in America and how these different usages of these words will correlate into a totally different understanding for some cultures and regions. So I was wondering if your American history class would like to work with the English 2 class on a project together" Castiel asked. Dean nodded his head at Cas' suggestion.
*Meanwhile inside the classroom*
"I bet they're talking about how good the sex was last night" Said Charlie Bradbury, a junior. Kevin Tran, a freshman rolled high eyes at her.
"Charlie quit bringing your shipping stuff into real life" Kevin said as he worked on some extra credit work for physics. Charlie rolled her eyes.
"I'm not bringing anything to the table. They are so in love I don't have to" Charlie said.
"I agree with Charlie. The other day when Mr. Novak was in here and I was waiting to ask Coach Winchester a question they kept looking at each other weird and just...ew" said Ash, a junior, from behind Charlie. Charlie pointed to Ash.
"See even the genius redneck agrees with me" Charlie said. Kevin rolled his eyes.
"Coach Winchester isn't even gay" Kevin argued. Charlie's literally laughs out loud.
"Your kidding me right. He had a boyfriend named Benny for like six or seven months. They broke up last year, remember when Coach was really weepy and Mr. Novak was always hanging around him trying to cheer him up" Charlie said. Kevin was thinking.
"How do you know that he had a boyfriend. He's never said anything like that before" Kevin argued. Charlie sighed.
"My girlfriend Dorothy's best friend's dad is Benny Lafitte and Dorothy told me one day that Elisabeth told her that her dad was dating a guy named Dean Winchester and that they'd been dating for 7 1/2 months, but Dean had just broken them up because of reasons" Charlie said. Kevin squinted his eyes.
"What reasons" Kevin asked.
"Well Elisabetah wasn't sure but it's either the fact that Coach found someone new or the fact that they just didn't work together. I'm leaning more towards found someone new because Elisabeth is always talking about how her dad and coach where like besties" Charlie said. Kevin sighed.
"Yeah we'll just because Coach didn't want to date your girlfriend's friend's dad doesn't prove that he wants to date Mr. Novak" Kevin argued.
"No, but it's not disproving it either" Charlie said. At that moment Dean walked into the room and back to his desk.
"So did you have a nice chat with Mr. Novak, Coach" Charlie asked. Dean gave her a skeptical look.
"I suppose so, we talked about the possibility of the English two class coming in here and working on a project with y'all" Dean said. Charlie nodded.
"You two seem to be talking a lot these days. Do I hear wedding bells" Charlie said. Dean rolled his eyes.
"Charlie that isn't even legal in this state" Dean reminded her.
"Aw that so cute, y'all are love criminals" Charlie said. Dean did a "Jim face" and tried not to say anything.
"Charlie for the last time Mr. Novak and I are just friends" Dean said.
"Yeah, but that's how you meet people. You make friends then you date them, like you did with Benny" Charlie said. Dean was about to reply when he was caught off guard.
"How the hell do you know about Benny" Dean asked.
"Friend of a friend" Charlie replied. Dean glared at her, but dropped it.
"Listen Charlie my personal life and my professional life are two different things. Mr. Novak is apart of my professional life and that's it" Dean said.
"But wouldn't you like him to be apart of your personal life. I'm sure you'd like him all up in your personal life. I'm a lesbian and I'd like him all up in my personal life" Charlie said. Dean shook his head and laughed.
"Charlie, Cas is just a friend" Dean said without thinking. Charlie's eyes widened.
"Oh my sweet baby Jesus you jut so called Mr. Novak Cas. His name is Castiel so that's a nickname, you have Mr. Novak a nickname. You would never say that to a group of students, but the sentence sounds too forced and rehearsed for you to have not said it before. They only way you'd use that is with someone like a friend or family member who'd know who Mr. Novak is, but not be a teacher. So someone in your non-professional life has asked you about Mr. Novak enough times to warrant you to come up with a rehearsed line to tell them. So obviously it's not just me seeing it. DEDUCTIONS BITCHES" Charlie rattled off. Dean looked confused.
"First of all no swearing in my class or I'll run you around the school until you puke. Secondly I don't know how the hell you put all that together, but it just sounded like a bunch of nonsensically jumbled up words to me. Thirdly he's my friend, I can give him a nickname without wanted to make him my boyfriend" Dean argued. Kevin threw his pencil again this desk and all eyes turned to him.
"Coach, will you just admit to Charlie that you are dating Mr. Novak so we can get back to history class" Kevin asked.
"Kevin I'm not dating Mr. Novak so I have nothing to admit" Dean said. Kevin rolled his eyes.
"Oh really Coach. I've got one word for you. Chapstick" Kevin said. Dean looked confused.
"What" Dean questioned.
"Chapstick. Mr. Novak wears it everyday" Kevin said. Dean looked even more confused.
"And" Dean asked.
"You weren't wearing any Chapstick before to left the room and now you are. Wanna explain that" Kevin asked. Dean froze slightly while the entire class giggled.
"Um...what if I borrowed it from him" Dean said.
"Coach, no offense, but if you borrowed another man's Chapstick that's gayer than actually kissing them" Ash said. Dean sighed and bit his lip. He pointed at Charlie and glared at her.
"Not another word" Dean said. Charlie erupted into a fit of small squees and violent handwaving. Dean rolled his eyes and went back to his lecture. He was going to go to Cas' and throw very single one of those damn Chapsticks in the garbage disposal.
Wasn't that fun. My favorite Au is certainly the Fashion Designer Au. I love sassy gay Dean. Comment your favorite one below, or just tell me of you liked it, hated it, or whatever. I'm easy when it comes to comments. I hope you enjoyed, please comment and do all that shiz, and as always THANKS FOR READING.