Heeeey John. Johnny boy. Good ol' Johnny man. Jooohn Egbert. Eggman. The Eggmister. Yo Eggbro Breathy Child. Eggykins. Scrambled eggs. Sunny side up. Bacon and Egbert in the morn-

Beep

John, it's Dave. You left your shirt in my room and it smells. I was going to be all romantic and say it smells like you but it just stinks.

Beep

...I totally don't have it on right now.

Beep

John, it's Dave again. You should pick up your phone.

Beep

John, it's Nicolas Cage. I'm finished with my days of chewing up the scenery; now I hunger for more. I hunger for you.

Beep

John, I've been working on this rap for a while now, so get ready for some seriously face melting rhymes. So potent in fact, it's as if someone opened up the Ark of the Covenant in this bitch. So just avert your eyes and you'll be good.

Check it, check it, check it out

You can probably tell what this rap's about

I'm swimming up love's creek like a lost trout,

and as if there was any doubt,

I'm a lot better with you than without.

I think you're hella amounts of fantastic

but you didn't seem so enthusiastic

When I said I loved you, I wasn't being sarcastic-

Beep

Hey, John. Just wanted to say... why the fuck did I decided to tell you these things on your answering machine? Is it because I wanted to get all these things off my chest, knowing full well you'd probably never hear it? Or maybe I just like hearing my voice uninterrupted? Probably the latter. My voice is sexy as all hell-

Beep

-and you love it.

Beep

Soooo we're doing good right? I'm not just being delusional? I feel like we're totally on some next level romantic shit here, all Failure to Launch on this bitch. You, all rippling McConaughey abs and a vocabulary only consisting of "alright, alright, alright", and me, a human foot that you fell in love with. Probably. I don't fucking know. I never saw that shitty movie. I have standards, John. Standards.

Beep

I'm most likely going to fuck up this thing we have together, aren't I?

Beep

Fuck, John, something's happening, and I-

Beep

I have to go back in time. This session's turned to shit and everyone's-

Beep

I wish-

Beep

I know you won't remember this or even get these messages but...

Beep

I wouldn't trade our time together for anything and...

Beep

I love you.

Beep.

This machine has ZERO missed calls and ZERO messages.