Just Breathe
Summary: Ashley has an asthma attack while at the gym with Emily
"I'm heading down to the gym. Do you want to join me?" Emily asks you as she puts her gym bag on the edge of your desk.
You look up at her surprised and not knowing what to say. No one on the team has ever asked you to do something not work related with them before. You actually think that they do not really like you, so now that Emily is standing there smiling down at you, you cannot help but smile yourself. "Sure. I would really like that."
She grabs her bag and tells you to do the same and then you head to the elevator and ride down to the basement. You do not like that the gym is in the basement. It makes you feel claustrophobic and the fact that there are no windows in there does not make you feel any better. You try not to think about this as you and Emily step off of the elevator and walk into the locker room. You place your bag on the bench and then turn your back to Emily as you remove your clothes and put on your tank top and your gym shorts that reach just over your knees. When you turn around you see that Emily is wearing almost the same. You smile and sit down on the bench so you can put on your sneakers. They are much more comfortable to wear than the high heeled boots you have on every day.
"Are you ready?" Emily asks. You nod and grab your water bottle before walking after her and out of the locker room. Emily walks to the treadmills and you decide to do the same, but after running for 15 minutes you get bored. You look around the room to find something else to do. In the corner you see a punching bag. You smile. It's been years since you last went loose on one of those. You carry your water bottle with you to the punching bag and pick out a pair of boxing gloves from the locker beside the big bag. You place the water on the floor and put on the gloves. They are a bit too big, but you do not care. You just put them on and start hitting the bag. At first it is only light punches to get your arms warmed up, but you quickly speed up and you can feel sweat running down your back.
You know it is coming as soon as the tightness in your chest starts. You try to ignore it, but soon all you can think about is getting enough oxygen into your lungs. You stop hitting the bag and try to remember if your inhaler is in your gym bag or your desk drawer. You do not think you have it with you, because it has been so long since you last needed it. You pull off the boxing gloves and throw them on the floor. You struggle to breathe, but you do not want Emily to find out something is wrong, so you quickly walk back to the locker room and sit on the bench. You fight to stay relaxed and take even breaths. Without your inhaler, a normal attack only lasts a couple of minutes, but it does not feel like this one is easing up. You still think you can handle it by yourself, but then a shooting pain runs through your lungs. You search your bag for your inhaler, but it is not there. You close your eyes and a small tear rolls slowly down your cheeks.
The sound of your own wheezing drowns out the sound of footsteps walking towards you and you are so focus on taking deep breaths that you do not notice that Emily has knelt in front of you till she lays her hand on your knee. You open your eyes and sees how concerned she looks.
"What's wrong?" Emily asks.
"I can't breathe," you gasp.
"You have asthma?"
You nod. "But my inhaler…isn't in my bag…so it must be in…my desk drawer." Talking is not helping your breathing at all and you start hyperventilating more violently.
"I need you to sit down on the floor," Emily says and helps you down from the bench. You do not understand why it is better for you to sit on the floor, but if Emily knows something that might help, than you are all up for it because you are feeling very lightheaded now. Tears are filling your eyes, but you do not want Emily to see you cry. You already feel too vulnerable as it is, so you purse your lips together trying to choke back sobs, but it makes you feel like you are going to pass out.
You are just about to start panicking when you feel Emily sit down behind you. She wraps her arms around your stomach and presses your back against her. You can feel how her chest rise and falls with every breath she takes and you know she wants you to try and match yours with hers. You try, you really try to match your breathing with hers, but you cannot stop hyperventilating. You press your eyes shut, but open them again quickly when you feel Emily move behind you. You are scared she is going to leave you and you want to tell her to come back to you. You feel little and weak and black dots are staring to cover your vision. You know it is going to happen now, you know you are going to pass out, so you close your eyes, but then the plastic mouth piece of your inhaler is held to your lips. You open your mouth and let the person press down on the pump, while you can feel someone else sit down behind you.
"Breathe in and out," Emily says wrapping her arms around you again. "You're okay, Ashley, just breathe."
The medicine is filling your airway and the inhaler is gently pulled from your lips. You take a few deep breaths and as you start coughing bury your face in your hands.
"Do you need more?" a male voice asks you. You open your eyes and look directly into the face of your boss. You had not been expecting to see Aaron Hotchner kneeling in front of you with your inhaler in his hand. Emily must have called him. "Do you need more?" he asks again.
Your breathing begins to slow down and the tightness in your chest is easing fast, so you shake your head and wipe the tears from your cheeks with trembling hands. The medicine always makes your hands quiver. Trying to stop shaking, so Hotch and Emily would not notice, you lay your hands in your lap and slowly look up. "I'm okay now," you say with a sniffle, but you can see on Hotch's face that he does not believe you. You feel awkward sitting there between your two older collages, but at the same time safe. Like a little girl being cared for by her parents.
"If you have asthma you should carry an inhaler with you," Emily says and you can feel that your breathing is now the same as hers. Your chests are rising and falling at the same time.
"I don't usually have attacks," you say and without thinking you lean into Emily's embrace. You are so tired now that you almost cannot keep your eyes open.
"Come on," Hotch says and take your hands helping you to your feet. Your knees shake under you and Hotch has to put an arm around you to keep you from falling.
"Sorry," you mumble and look down at your feet. You feel embarrassed that you cannot even keep yourself up right. That is even worse than them seeing you cry.
"It's okay," Hotch says and grabs your gym bag. "Let's just get you home."
You sigh deeply and walk on unsteady feet with them to the elevator. Hotch still has an arm around you and Emily holds your right hand in hers. You get into the elevator and as the doors closes you think that maybe you are not as unliked as you thought. Maybe they do actually care a little about you.