Have a Little Faith in Me…
Disclaimer: I don't own LOST. I merely marvel at its brilliance from afar, and think to myself that Matthew Fox could lead me anywhere, anytime.
Author's Note 1: Okay, so as will be apparent in approximately 1,800 words, I'm about as big a Jack fan as it is possible to be. So this may read a lil' like an Ode to Jack, and if you don't like that…I apologize. This is set after the Jack/Kate/Juliet beach scene in The Brig…and part of the dialogue is taken straight from the transcript. Please take a second to review, and I hope you enjoy!
"Jack, what the hell are you doing?" Kate's voice was shrill, and she could hear her own frustration, anger, desperation, all wrapped up inside of it.
"What does it look like? I'm walking away." He didn't even slow down, or turn back to look at her.
"Who knew the "hero" would end up being such a coward?"
If she wasn't so disgusted with their situation, she'd have smiled at how quickly that got him to freeze in his tracks.
He still didn't face her though. He just stood, and she could see his shoulders heaving with labored breaths. She wondered if it was from physical strain or his anger.
"I never asked to be the "hero," Kate. That's just where everyone cast me, and for a little while I actually thought I could play the part." He sighed then, and his voice lowered. "I was wrong."
"You'd been doing a pretty good job of it. Up until now."
His snorted laugh was a bitter one. "That's pretty relative to who you ask."
"How do you figure?"
Finally, he moved his head slightly, peering back at her over his shoulder. His eyes were dark and she was almost distracted by what a beautiful man he was. "Because, Kate. Some people might think the hero wouldn't have gotten caught, dragging others down with him. Some might think the hero would never compromise and save the life of his enemy. And someone somewhere might be so foolish as to think the hero is supposed to get the girl."
He looked at her hard, for just a moment, and then he continued walking on, deliberately away from her.
And for just a moment, she was too stunned to follow.
One Hour Earlier…
She had made the decision quickly. No matter what Sayid had been implying with his instruction to keep this quiet, she trusted Jack. She had his back. And therefore, she made the decision to tell him about the woman in Hurley's tent quickly.
Of course, she also then un-made that decision just as fast.
But she wouldn't let that make her feel too guilty; after all, she re-made it in the end. She walked purposefully to the place he was sitting on the beach with Juliet, mind made up to believe in him. She took a deep breath just before she reached them, stealing herself to ignore the bile that tasted an awful lot like jealousy rising up in her throat.
She captured his eyes quickly when she approached and said a soft but intentional, "Hey," as their laughter died out and smiles faded.
He returned her greeting, but his tone was new. It didn't warm her like his voice had always managed to in the past.
"I need to talk to you." She hoped her eyes would convey her urgency, her need for them to be alone and trust in each other again.
"Okay." Either he didn't get the message, or he wanted to make her say it.
"In private."
Juliet politely consented and went to move away, making it harder, for just that second, to hate her.
But then Jack stopped her retreat and suddenly Kate's dislike for the blonde woman was renewed ten fold, and brought a new anger for the man sitting before her along with it. "Anything you want to say to me, you can say in front of her."
"Not this." Kate hoped it pissed him off that she was standing her ground.
Again Juliet went to leave. "It's okay."
"No no no no, you can stay."
And she wasn't sure if it was his stubbornness, or the hint of affection in his insistence that Juliet be included, or the fact that she hated how the air had gone so cold between them on a balmy island in the south pacific, but something inside Kate snapped. Her eyes glowed and her fists clenched and she could feel her attitude twist and turn in hopes that her next move, whatever it was, would sting him a little. "Yeah, you know what, you should stay." She looked right at him, tried to look through him, "Seems only fair considering she's the reason that no one wants to tell you there's a woman in Hurley's tent who parachuted onto the Island yesterday."
It was with a small amount of pride that she saw his attention snap.
"Why didn't anyone tell me this?"
"Well,we told you, because they don't trust you."
And Kate could have slapped him when his reaction was to look at the other woman beside him.
"How?"
"How what?" She had to shake her head slightly to clear her anger.
"How is she supposed to contact her boat?" The question, whether he meant it to or not, came out condescending and her heart hurt with indignation.
"Did you hear what I just said? Hurley. Charlie. Sayid. Your friends are afraid to…"
He yelled her name and asked again. "How?"
As she told him about the phone radio she felt her body drain of her hope, of her faith. She'd gone all in, putting everything in the hands of the man in front of her…or at least the man he used to be, and once again she'd been let down. She had never thought she'd have to add faith in Jack Shepard to the list of her regrets.
And in that moment, her disappointment was so overwhelming, so real, she almost didn't hear Juliet's voice. "We should tell her."
But she definitely heard Jack's finite, "No." It sounded several syllables longer than the word, and it knocked the wind right out of her.
"Tell me what?" Kate demanded, allowing naively for hope to rise up again. And it was out of survival instinct and sheer desperation that even as he denied her again, and turned to walk away, she followed. She followed him into the jungle, feeling every emotion at once.
And she told herself she'd keep following, until the monster of the island or herJack came for her.
Present Time…
Once her mind had regained enough sense to start moving again, Kate's pursuit took on new energy. With each step through the thickness of the jungle, with each plunge into the growing blackness of the falling night, her mind ranted and raved at the man she was frantically trying to catch up to.
He was so different. Barely recognizable as the man she'd first met the day of the crash, the man who they all depended on, the man who blamed himself for every nick, every scratch, and every death that came to the survivors of flight 815.
But she couldn't help but notice that the sound of his voice, the look on his face, his words, all suggested, albeit subtlely, that maybe it was her fault he was different…and as angry as she was at him, she was more than triple that at herself.
Finally, she could hear his steps again, trampling leaves as he went farther off trail. With a "Hail Mary" and a deep breath, she called out to him. "Jack."
No answer.
"Jack!"
Nothing but the sounds of the jungle.
"JACK!!"
Her throat hurt, from all the force and emotion she breathed out with his name, and she was terribly afraid she'd be met with more stony silence when she heard an exasperated and out-of-breath bark not too far ahead of her into the darkness.
"What, Kate?!" Suddenly she saw the wisp of brightness that was his flashlight, and she could make out the silhouette of him in front of her once more.
"God, Jack, why can't you just talk to me anymore? To any of us? Two weeks ago, if you would have asked any one of those people on that beach who they trusted with their life, who they were certain, beyond even a sliver of doubt, was on their side, every single person would have answered you. Even Sawyer."
She hated that she could see him flinch at the name, even in the dark, but she pushed on.
"You weren't just our leader, Jack. We looked to you for decisions, yes, but also for comfort, for hope. We could all believe that we would one day go home, because you'd find a way and you'd keep us safe in the meantime. But since you've been back, it's like you are one more thing to be afraid of. You won't look at us, talk to us, and we can't talk to you. I feel like I can't talk to you, Jack, and it's killing me. There's this riff between us, and why the hell don't you care?!"
She finished, and she was sure the pleading look she hated had stretched across her face.
"Kate, do you have any idea what this Island has been like for me? Do you?! The trauma of not only crashing, and being stuck here, but also of being responsible for 52 other people's lives? The horror and guilt of failing some of them; the constant terror and waiting for my next decision to cost more lives? Of worrying and working so that not only do they stay alive, but that they stay healthy and happy and hopeful? The loneliness of watching people get close, watching people enjoy each other, and never getting to join in? I'm sorry that I can't be the hero. I can't be the doctor and the protector and the best friend, too. I'm as scared as anyone else, and I'm sorry that people are losing faith in me, that you are. I'm just trying to do what I think is right, what I think is best. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it'll all blow up in my face and it won't matter that I don't have any friends left because we'll all be dead. But God damn it, don't you dare ever say I don't care."
For the longest moment, Kate didn't know what to say. She was angry, for him passing it off like they were all a burden, and secretly, angrier still because she hated being pushed in with every other survivor in that regard. She was consumed by shame…of course everything he did was for what he thought was best, even his secrets and distance. He was Jack.
And honestly, most of her was just absolutely enamored by his presence, by his conviction, by the strength he showed in even this, his moment of weakness.
He looked at her, and she was silenced by the vulnerability and loneliness radiating off of him. So often it was easy to build him up to such mythical heights that she forgot that he was a man. A man who hurt and bled. A man who could need, who could want.
"Jack…I-" When she finally found her voice it was fleeting, and far too small to have done either of them any good.
She watched him take several slow, deep breaths.
"Kate, it's okay." His voice had returned to just the low husk she loved to listen to, and as she felt herself calm at the sound of it, she cursed him for being too good to be true. "I'm sorry, really I am. I can't tell you everything you want to hear, and I can't go back there and magically make every single person in that camp put all their unwavering faith in me again. Honestly, I don't want that responsibility, but you have to know I would take it back on in a second if I thought it would do us all any good. I'm just… sorry. But do you think, that even without answers or magic, you could put a little faith in me?"
Kate felt her head nodding, as her eyes began to tear. She continued nodding long after she was sure a brilliant doctor could have gotten the point. She nodded, and whispered, "I'm sorry, too."
Jack rewarded her with a small but genuine smile. And then he led her through the dark, back to their beach.
Fin.
Author's Note 2 : First LOST fic, and would appreciate feedback. Thanks for reading!