If you haven't read the first fifteen chapters of Secrets and Lies, I would urge you to do so before reading this. It contains some slight spoilers and might not have the same impact if read as a stand alone story.
This is the story of what happened between Bella and Edward prior to Secrets and Lies from Bella's point of view. It's two chapters long and recounts the events of her affair with Edward and it's consequences.
"It's almost nine... do you want to go down to watch TV?"
Alice's voice snaps me out of my trance. I blink a couple of times when I look up at her. For the last half hour or so, I've been sprawled across her bed propped on my elbows, pretending to read Seventeen. I'm pretty sure she's been talking about Brandon all night, and I really was trying to listen, but I lost the battle as soon as I heard Edward arriving home.
"What?" I ask, sure that she asked a question and feeling guilty that it didn't register.
Her brows dip into a deep frown. "Have you heard a word I've said all night? I said it's nearly nine."
I glance down at the magazine that has been lying open but unread in front of me for the last hour or so. "Sorry," I apologise lamely. "I guess I got distracted. Do you want me to leave?"
Her eyes dip to the magazine briefly, as if she is wondering what's so interesting about it. I flip the cover closed – she knows I'm not into fashion magazines. "Are you looking for ideas for Prom?" she asks, her eyes lighting up.
"Um... yeah." I feel like kicking myself for the unconvincing shrug that involuntarily accompanies my response.
"Who are you going to go with?" she asks, draping herself across the bed beside me. "Mike's really the only guy in school you talk to."
"Mike's taking Jessica," I point out. "Not that I'd go with him anyway."
"You'll have to go with someone." She reaches out, swivelling the magazine in her direction. "Maybe Tyler will ask you."
I roll my eyes.
I watch her leafing through the pages admiring the dresses and wish she didn't look so eager. I have no intention of going to prom; I just haven't come up with a good enough excuse yet. Her comment about Tyler goes ignored.
"I'm hoping Brandon will ask me," she says with a happy smile.
"Of course he will." I laugh lightly. "You guys are dating and he's clearly crazy about you, why wouldn't he ask you?"
"You really think he's crazy about me?" she asks, rolling onto her back, a smile crawling across her lips.
"Sure."
She seems to drift off into her own thoughts for a moment, but quickly snaps out of it. "Your program starts in a few minutes, if you want to go down and watch it. I'm sure I heard Edward come home."
Lately it's been getting harder to sit in the same room as Edward in front of his family.
I swallow hard, shaking my head. "No, I'm fine here," I mumble. My eyes snap up when I hear her disappointed sigh. "What?"
"I was kinda planning to call Brandon while you watch your show," she explains, lighting up again when she says his name. "But it's cool if you're staying here to hang out."
I briefly wonder what it must be like to not have to hide your feelings when you say the name of the person you love.
Rolling off the bed, I force a smile. "Come down when you're done," I say.
She lunges for the phone before I even make it to the door.
I walk slowly along the hallway, willing my heartbeat to slow down as I head towards the living room. Towards Edward.
A tinkle of laughter emanates from Alice's room and a pang of envy knifes through me. As much as I love to see her so happy, I can't help but be envious of the freedom she has to enjoy it.
When she turns all misty-eyed and starts to tell me how she feels when she's with Brandon, I find myself wishing that I could share my own happiness with her. But I can't. I can't tell her that I've found someone I love so much it scares me sometimes. I can't tell her that when I'm with him it's the only time I enjoy being in the moment, because the rest of the time I'm either missing him or counting down the minutes until I see him again. I can't tell her that I'm completely and utterly head over heels in love... with her married brother.
I'm jealous that Alice doesn't have to hide anything about her love. There is no guilt to temper her joy. She is simply free to enjoy it, and I wish more than anything that Edward and I were too.
I pause at the top of the stairs, caught between my guilt and my anticipation.
Soon it will be easier than this. One day I won't feel so guilty for loving him.
As I start my descent, a frisson of excitement bristles up my spine at the thought of seeing him.
By the time I reach the foot of the stairs I catch Edward's smooth voice as it drifts out from the kitchen. I can already detect the slight undercurrent of tension in it, which makes me wonder if he can hear my approach.
I feel the familiar prickle of awareness as I get closer and force myself to take a few deep breaths. Putting on my game face I step into the kitchen, and because I know it will falter if I look at him, I direct my attention towards Esme instead. I manage a smile.
"Bella," Esme greets, warmly.
I manage to hold the smile, while I fight to stop my eyes from flying straight to Edward.
"Do you girls want some drinks?" she asks, opening the fridge door to peer inside.
As soon as her back is turned, I lose the fight and look in Edward's direction. He looks a little tense. A flicker of a smile plays on his lips but doesn't touch any other part of his face... not even his eyes. There's a tiny jerk of his head – like an invitation – before he turns and walks towards the living room.
"Um... no... I.. uh... I came down to watch TV for a while," I say, stumbling over my words.
"Is Alice coming down?" she asks.
I accept the can of soda she holds out to me and shake my head.
"No, she's talking to Brandon on the phone... I thought I'd give her some privacy."
"We've still to meet this Brandon."
She says his name like it's a dirty word.
The sounds from the TV drift in from the other room, and I feel awkward about going into the family room because Edward is in there alone. "He's really nice," I say, stalling. Esme's brow furrows a little. "Brandon." I elaborate.
Her expression softens and she smiles. "I guess I'm used to already knowing the boys she dates, Forks is a small town after all."
Brandon and his family moved to Forks a few months ago, but I have no doubt Esme will get to know the family pretty well in no time.
"Don't let me keep you from your TV show," she says, motioning towards the family room. "If you need anything just holler, I'll be in here cleaning."
I walk into the family room and instantly regret it. Edward is on his phone.
"Yeah... one O'clock... got it... and you'll definitely be there this time?" His eyes meet mine but only briefly, he motions his head towards a chair as if telling me to take a seat. I fiddle with the ring pull on my soda can, trying not to listen to him talk. The tension evident on his face and the way his eyes dart guiltily to mine alert me that he's talking to Irina. "Okay, I'll see you tomorrow... yeah... bye."
He sits on the chair nearest to mine, but doesn't say anything. He has my full attention anyway. His jaw is set hard and his shoulders are tight with tension. I watch his eyes dart between the TV and the window and back again several times. It's clear he's neither watching the TV nor admiring the view outside the window. He's deep in thought and miles away.
His long lashes flicker with the movement of his eyes, and I can't drag my gaze away from his handsome profile. He needs a haircut and I notice a few strands of hair have fallen over his ear. I long to lean forward and smooth those strands back into place, but I can't touch him. I shouldn't touch him.
"You okay?" I ask. The question is stupid. I can clearly see he's not. Irina is returning from her sister's tomorrow, and he's going to ask her for a divorce. How can he possibly be okay?
I'm not surprised he doesn't answer. He lets out a long harsh breath as if he's been holding it, then turns to look at me. His eyes soften a little, his lips pressing together into a resigned line. "Where's Alice?" he asks, after staring at me for a few moments.
"On the phone."
He runs his fingers through his hair and the strands are smooth again. "Wanna get out of here?"
I nod.
"Go tell Alice I'm taking you home," he says.
"What if she wants to come?"
"Didn't I overhear you saying she's talking to her latest boyfriend?"
When I nod, he raises his eyebrows and I take his point: There's no way Alice will cut her call short with Brandon just to accompany Edward while he drives me home.
I pass through the kitchen telling Esme that I'm going to get Alice because Edward is taking me home. Esme is like Charlie in that she doesn't like Alice driving alone at night. I guess it would be different if they didn't practically live in the middle of the forest. It's become so routine now for Edward to drive that nobody bats an eyelid on the odd occasion he takes me home alone.
It's another little layer of our deception.
My dash upstairs to say goodbye to Alice turns out to be an exercise in futility since she barely registers my departure. She's curled up on the easy chair in the corner of her room murmuring seductively down the phone. Right now I don't feel jealous at all. The promise of time alone with Edward has me vibrating with excitement, and I close the door quietly and rush back downstairs.
Edward is already in the car with the engine running when I step outside. I have to force myself to walk calmly down the steps, when really I feel like running to him.
I feel the tension emanating from him as soon as I sit down and close the door. My excitement quells a little, making me fumble with the seatbelt as I try to click it into place. A jolt of awareness courses through me as Edward's warm hand envelopes mine and slots it home.
Normally I would expect him to say something, but tonight he doesn't.
The headlights illuminate the dark, twisting road ahead of us, the trees casting ominous shadows in the glow. After a couple of minutes, I gently touch Edward's arm.
"You okay?" I ask again. I just want him to talk to me.
My question is met with silence, I'm debating whether to ask again when he turns sharply onto a side road that is almost concealed by overhanging branches. It's little more than a single track, but I've come to know it well in the last couple of months.
The car bumps over the uneven terrain and he pulls into a small clearing surrounded by trees. Like always, he kills the headlights as soon as he shuts off the engine. I stare at his profile illuminated by the dull green glow of the dashboard.
"Edward?"
He turns to face me and exhales loudly. His eyes are intense and even in the dim light I can see the glint of need in them.
"I love you."
I feel it just as much as I hear it and launch myself at him. His arms close like a vice around me and despite the cramped space I manage to wrap my whole body around his, absorbing as much of him as I can.
His breath is hot against my neck as he burrows deeper, melding his chest to mine and gripping my hips in his hands. I can feel his heartbeat as surely as I can feel the desperation that surrounds us.
"Everything will be alright," he whispers, and I know he's referring to tomorrow. But I just want to think about this moment right here.
He cradles my face in his hands and gazes at me intently.
Everything feels more desperate tonight but I can't allow myself to dwell on the reason for it, but we're so close to doing the right thing I can't let the wrong of it encroach on my need for him.
Our lips clash. Fingers grip. Chests heave. Hearts burn.
He wrestles the denim down my legs while I free him. He fills me. I encompass him. Sparks fly. Stars flash behind my eyelids.
But as always – it has to be tempered. It has to be cut short.
My muscles pulse around him while he ebbs inside me, and as I surf the remnants of my orgasm I catch the guilt in his eyes.
I recoil. I've never seen it so keenly as I do now.
Tears spring to my eyes. "Don't!" I gasp. "Don't regret it."
He clutches at my skin, pulling me to him. He holds me tightly, kissing both of my eyelids while murmuring that he loves me. "I don't regret you," he promises.
I cling to him until time starts to press on us and we reluctantly fix our clothes.
"I hate this," he admits. "I hate that I've reduced it to this."
I stare at him, confused.
He lifts his hand and gently pushes my hair away from my face. Cupping my cheek reverently, he pulls my face closer. I slide back onto his lap.
"I love you. Don't ever doubt that, but I hate that I've debased what we have. I should've made it right first. What we have shouldn't be like this." His eyes flick around the interior of the car, before settling on me again. "It's so much better than this. You deserve better than this."
I press my face into his neck, fighting back my tears.
"I love you too," I whisper, feeling the tension in the air. "I love being with you, and soon we won't have to hide it anymore."
He pulls me closer and though it's not exactly comfortable, I rest my head on his chest and enjoy the feeling of his hand gently rubbing my back. His other hand keeps a firm grip on mine. I listen to the steady beat of his heart and breathe in the musky tang of his fresh sweat. I revel in the feel of being this close to him, because after tomorrow it could be a little while before I can be with him again.
"I feel like I'm taking the first step last," he says, breaking the silence.
Pain rips through me. He's right. As much as I love him, as much as I love being with him, we're going from back to front. "We can't take it back."
"No," he agrees. "And the thing I feel most guilty about is that I don't regret it."
I know what he means. Even though the guilt is strong, I still know that my love for him overrides everything.
I try not to think about what he has to do tomorrow, because when I do, I see Irina's face. Even though she treats him badly and doesn't seem to love him, I can't help but feel bad that I know that her husband is leaving her before she does.
And it's partly my fault. Or maybe mostly. I don't know.
The drive back to Forks is all too brief and when he pulls up outside my house I launch myself into his arms and kiss him thoroughly. His arms clamp around me for a second but then he pushes me back a little. "Careful," he admonishes.
He looks at the house.
"Charlie's working nights," I say.
He shakes his head a little. "This is fucked up." He rifles his fingers through his hair, sighing sharply. "I might not be able to call you tomorrow." He grasps my hand. "I'll call you as soon as I can."
I nod and tell him I love him.
"I love you too," he says quietly as I open the car door.
I pause and look at him over my shoulder. "I'm sorry that you have to go through this tomorrow."
"You have nothing to be sorry about," he says, sliding his hand across the seat towards my leg. He doesn't touch me. "This is my fault. I should've done it months ago and we wouldn't be in this position."
I hate that I have to go. I hate that he has to hurt someone else to be with me. I hate that I can't be there for him until it's over. And I'm already hating myself for my part in it as I walk across the yard to my empty house.
I lock the door behind me and head straight to my room without putting any lights on. When I flick my bedroom lamp on it casts a glow over the college applications I haven't finished filling out. I've sent some away already, but I was careful not to send ones to the colleges Alice has applied to. Even now, I find it hard to imagine what it will be like to be away from Forks and free to be with Edward. But I can't wait.
If only we didn't have a ton of shit to get through first.
I shut the light off again and get into bed.
I don't shower before bed on the nights we've made love. I like to go to sleep with the smell of him on my skin. As weird as it might be, I hate washing him off me in the morning.
The empty beer can that Charlie has left on the kitchen table is the only indicator that he came home last night. I didn't hear him come home and I didn't hear him leave this morning. It's not unusual for us not to see each other for days at a time.
Normally I hate the empty house, but today I'm glad of it. It means I don't need to hide away my anxiety until I get to school, and if Charlie's not here later I won't have to hide it then either.
I look down at my half empty bowl of Fruit Loops – the ones I've eaten are lying in my stomach like pieces of lead. I toss the remainder and rinse the bowl. Like every other day, Edward has been on my mind since I opened my eyes – but today is different: The thought of him has my stomach tied in knots. Today I'm worrying about him.
As I pull into the school parking lot, I spot the usual gang huddled around Tyler's van. I haven't hung out with any of them for a while since I usually spend most of my time with Alice. Mike is the only one I spend any time with, and even that consists mostly of quick exchanges in the school halls or chance meetings around town.
It surprises me a little when they all turn in unison at the sound of my truck. Of late, my presence has largely gone unnoticed by them. I've enjoyed their lack of attention much more than I enjoy being watched so intently as I park the truck.
I step out of the truck and glance over at them. Jessica is smirking for some reason, but it falls from her face as soon as Mike starts to walk towards me. His expression is grim as he shrugs off Jessica's hand when she latches onto his arm.
"Brandon's taking me to prom!"
Alice's excited tone startles me, making me jump a little. I'd been so fixated on Mike I didn't even see her. I turn to find her sporting a massive grin and looking far too perky for first thing on a cold, wet Friday morning. Especially this Friday morning. I don't know if I can cope with her happiness today.
"That's great," I tell her as enthusiastically as I can.
She links her arm in mine and when we turn towards the school, I see that Mike is engaged in an argument with Jessica, but the others are still staring at me.
I can practically feel their eyes on me as Alice and I make our way to the main building. "We need to go dress shopping soon." Alice says excitedly. "I don't want to leave it till the last minute."
"Sure," I mutter, failing to muster up a smile.
We separate at Alice's locker, and I tell her I'll see her at lunch. Since I got moved into mostly advanced classes for my final year, I hardly share any classes with her any more – and none on Fridays. I feel guilty for the little swell of relief that gives me. Alice can be very perceptive to my moods and I know she'd pick up on my tension if she spent any longer than a lunch hour with me.
Math is my first class, and I can barely concentrate on the textbook in front of me. My stomach is twisting with nerves as I think of Edward heading to the airport. I want to hear his voice and know that he's alright but I can't risk calling him. My head is already pounding with the tension and I know this will be a long day spent worrying about what's going on.
I'm relieved when the class is over, but it's short-lived when I get to my next class.
From the moment I take my seat I'm aware of Jessica and Lauren's faces turning towards me every few minutes. I have no idea what their problem is, but I can't seem to care about high school bullshit today. The sooner these last couple of months of school are over the better, and then I can get on with my life. For the first time today a little bit of hope lightens my anxiety as I think of how much better the future will be after today. No more hiding.
The bell comes as sweet relief and I scoop up my books, clutching them to my chest as I head out of class.
"Hey Bella."
Ignoring Lauren's greeting, I keep walking. I've heard that saccharine tone she uses enough times to know that it means trouble.
"You okay?" she asks, as she and Jessica fall into step beside me.
"I'm fine," I say dismissively.
I try walking a little faster, but annoyingly they increase their pace to keep up with me.
"She looks a little pale, doesn't she Jess?"
"You do Bella," Jessica chimes in theatrically. "You look like you might be coming down with something."
"Or going down," Lauren barks in that annoying sounds-like-a-cough way that smart asses use.
I try to keep my expression neutral despite their irritating sniggering
"Maybe you should see a doctor," Lauren says, but her remark barely registers because I've spotted the folded sheet of paper that is taped to my locker. The word doctor hangs in the air and hairs on my neck start to prickle.
I rip the paper from my locker, clenching it in my fist. I'm sure this is their work, and the last thing I'm going to do is read it in front of them.
Lauren flicks her sleek blonde hair over her shoulder and tucks it behind her ear. My eyes follow her fingers, taking in the long acrylic nails with the jewels in them. As ever, her face is plastered with make-up and her clothes are nothing but the best money can buy. Jessica has to try a little bit harder than Lauren, but she's almost a carbon copy.
As the narrow corridor fills with students that jostle past us, I find myself wondering how I ever imagined myself to be friends with these two.
"What's on the sheet, Bella?" Jessica asks with a malevolent glint in her eye.
Tired of their immaturity, I figure it'll probably be better just to get this over with.
I unfold it, but before I get a chance to read it something hard hits my leg and rolls across the floor.
An apple.
"You better watch out for those apples, Bella!"
I turn to see Tyler smirking at me from down the hall. Jessica and Lauren burst into gales of laughter.
Perplexed, and missing the joke completely, I look down at the piece of paper in my hand.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Alarm bells go off in my head and my mouth dries.
"That's not cool, man!" Mike yells at Tyler as he stoops to pick up the apple.
With the prospect of a scene, people start to slow down as they pass. I feel like a thousand eyes are on me as I struggle to hold onto my composure. I somehow summon up a glare and aim it at Jessica and Lauren, all the while one question is screaming in my head. How can they possibly know?
"This doesn't even make any sense," I snort, crumpling the sheet of paper and thrusting it into Jessica's chest. My acting skills can only take me so far, and I fold my arms in front of my chest to hide my shaking hands.
"If you think about it, it's pretty funny," Jessica says, smiling maliciously. "Since you're having an affair with Dr. Cullen, I'm guessing you won't want any apples keeping him away from you."
I don't know when she saw us, but the triumphant sneer on her face makes it all too clear that she has.
"Cut it out, Jessica," Mike orders.
I turn, grateful to have one ally, but I can't look him in the eye.
"Why are you defending her?" Jessica snaps. "You always stand up for her. I'm your girlfriend, Mike."
Suddenly, Jessica's motivation for doing this becomes clear. I ran into Mike the other night and we went to the diner to hang out. Jessica was furious when she found us there.
"You can't just go around spreading rumours," Mike says.
Mike's faith in me amplifies the guilt I've been feeling for so long. There are only a few people whose opinion of me matters, and Mike is one of them.
"You believe her over me?" Jessica asks, angrily.
Mike glares at her but doesn't answer.
"I saw her with him last night. They were making out in his car... right outside her house." Mike looks unconvinced, and her tone becomes more desperate in her determination to convince him. "Remember what she told us about the first time she met him? About the pap–"
"You fucking bitch!"
Mike steps between us as I lunge for her. The corridor is full of people watching avidly as Jessica continues to shout over Mike's shoulder while I yell at her to shut up.
"You were there, Mike, when she told us she had a crush on him," she rants. "I know you like her, but she's the bitch. She set out to get him... she told me. Why do you think she dropped us for that freak Alice?"
Oh God, Alice.
Before I have a chance to think about the stupidity of my actions, I wrestle free from Mike's grip and take off at a run, praying that I'll make it to Alice's next class before the bell.
Today is not my lucky day though, and the bell rings before I'm even half way there. The sound of the last door closing echoes in the now empty corridor. I'm left standing in the silence with the realisation that running away might've lent weight to Jessica's claims.
I hear footsteps from around the corner and duck into the stairwell out of sight – but there are also footsteps descending the stairs, so I'm forced to squeeze into the cramped space beneath them.
Pressing my back against the cold wall, I draw my knees up to my chin as the panic sets in. My palms begin to sweat and my jaw aches from the force of my clenched teeth. My forehead drops to my knees as my mind launches into a spin cycle. Amid the panic Jessica's words play over in my mind. If only I hadn't kissed Edward in the car last night.
My groan echoes up through the empty stairwell when I recall the memory of telling Mike and Jessica about my first meeting with Edward. It was not long after it happened. Even though Alice and I were friends by then, I still hung out with the gang in Port Angeles occasionally – very occasionally. That night Mark had been rolling joints all night and we were all drunk and high. I can't even remember how the subject of Edward came up, but I remember laughing hysterically about the irony of Alice's brother giving me a pap smear. Of course there was nothing funny about it, but getting high has a tendency to do that to you.
Jessica and Lauren had laughed at how grossed out Mike looked, and Mark had started asking horrible suggestive questions. The hilarity hadn't lasted long, and I'd dismissed it all by telling them that he wasn't my doctor anymore and he'd been mortified about the whole thing when he found out I was Alice's friend.
I cringed the next day when I sobered up and couldn't believe I'd told them about it. Jessica reminded me later that I'd also admitted that I thought Edward was hot. I'm still stunned by how far she took her lies.
I press my eyes against my knees to hold the tears back, but my throat is so tight every breath I take burns my throat. Why today?
I lose the battle to stay composed as the enormity of what's happening starts to bear down on me. Even if I get to Alice first, everyone else still knows. Just when it was going to be right, we've been exposed.
A wave of nausea ripples through me and I start to retch. I only just make it to the bathrooms in time to throw up streams of sour bile that scorch my throat. Hot tears bite behind my eyes. Deciding I can't face Alice here in front of everyone, I rush blindly through the corridors and somehow make it to my truck.
But Alice is already there, looking as stricken as I feel. She's pacing by my truck, one hand pushed into her hair and the other drumming against her hip. Her head snaps up when she hears my approach. Her eyes pop wide when she looks at my tear stained face.
"Oh God!" she gasps. "It's true?"
"Let me explain." I rush forward.
She backs away as quickly as I try to reach her.
Her eyes narrow as her mouth twists in disgust. "You used me just so you could chase after my brother."
"Alice... it's not... don't believe Jessica, she's full of it."
She keeps backing away. "I can't believe I never noticed... I mean, it took him a long time to take you home last night." Her voice is low and heavy with anger. "It's not the first time he's had a sudden errand to run after dropping you home." She shakes her head in disbelief.
"Alice, please," I beg. "Let's go somewhere we can talk."
"I thought you were my friend." She looks miserable now. "But it was all about him."
"No!"
She's not even looking at me now, and her face is a picture of bewilderment and confusion. She seems surprised when she backs into her car. I grab her arm as she turns to unlock the door.
With surprising strength she turns and violently pushes me away. "Stay away from me!" she yells, her voice cracking with emotion. "You used me."
"Alice, this is not about you... I mean... that's not why we're friends. I–"
She slams the car door in my face. I slap my hand against the window, begging her not to drive away, but I have to jump back when she almost runs over my feet as she backs out of the space.
I watch helplessly as her car peels out of the lot disappears out of sight. I can't follow her home. This is definitely not a discussion we can have there.
Deciding that I need to warn Edward, I run back to my truck.
Befitting my mood, the heavens open and rain pounds the windscreen as the wipers struggle to keep up. I almost ram into the back of the cruiser when I swing into the driveway.
"Shit!"
What the hell is Charlie doing home?
There seems little point in backing out again. With the noise this truck makes he'll have heard me as soon as I turned onto the street. I don't run despite the rain battering me as I make my way across the yard. Getting soaked is way down on the list of shit things that are happening to me today.
"Bells?" he calls as soon as I step inside.
I make it to the second step before I hear his foot hit the creaky floorboard that lies across the living room doorway.
"Why aren't you at school?"
I'm glad my face is wet from the rain and not just my tears when I turn around. "Why are you not at work?" I counter. "Don't you live there anymore?"
He frowns. "They owed me some time," he says, ignoring my sarcasm. "And since I'm going fishing with Harry early tomorrow, I thought I'd get some stuff done today. Now, why are you home so early?"
Charlie's favourite thing to do is refer me to my mother when anything 'girl-related' comes up, so I say the one thing I know will get him off my back. "I got my period so I had to come home and take a shower."
Crimson creeps up his neck and fans out across his cheeks. I'd be amused if my insides weren't churning like butter.
"Okay," he says, almost wincing. "Um... do you want me to make you some coffee or something?"
I hate when he tries to be nice to me. It makes me feel like a bitch. I shake my head and he doesn't stop me when I bolt upstairs.
The phone is hidden in my underwear drawer. Charlie would rather coat his hand in raw, bloody meat and stick it in a lion's mouth than put it anywhere near my underwear drawer.
My heart is leaping in my chest, thundering so violently against my ribs I can feel it in my teeth as I hit the button to call Edward. Worrying my lip with my teeth, I pace the room as it rings out. Eventually it goes to voicemail.
"Fuck!"
After four attempts I throw the phone on the bed. Charlie calls up that he's heading out to the store and asks if I need anything. On another day I might have made him squirm and ask for tampons – but not today.
As soon as the cruiser is off down the street, I rush impulsively to the phone downstairs. I have no idea who will answer and no idea what I'll say if it's not Alice or Edward, but desperation has robbed me of rational thought.
It's Alice.
"Don't hang up!" I blurt. "Please."
"You've got some nerve calling here," she blasts. "What if Irina answered?"
"Are they home?" I gasp. Oh shit. "Did you tell Edward about what happened?"
"You're unbelievable," she yells. "It's true what Jessica said isn't it? You don't care about the fact he's married, you just want to cause trouble."
"No. That's not true, I–"
"I bet you hated having to sit in the room with me, when you were really only here for him."
"No, listen to me. It was... is separate from you. It's about me and Edward, not about me and you."
"Not about me? You're my best friend, I've been bringing you into my house and you've been sleeping with my brother." Her gasp of disbelief is audible, and I recognise it for what it is: a realisation. "All those walks he's been taking, all the disappearing acts... it's so he can sneak off and have sex with you, isn't it? God! I can't believe you'd do that... he's married."
"It's not cheap A–" My voice dies in my throat when I hear a faint voice down the line, like someone is speaking to Alice in the background. I wince when rattling sounds thunder in my ear before the line is muffled, presumably by Alice's hand.
"Alice?"
The line disconnects.
My heart stops.
I rush back upstairs to the cell phone.
It turned out to be the slowest, most fraught day of my life. The night was worse. I spent most of it with my face pressed into the pillow trying to muffle my sobs so Charlie wouldn't hear me. I clutched my cell phone to my chest and looked at the screen every minute, praying for even a text from him.
Nothing came.
The morning light brings me no comfort. I listen to Charlie preparing to leave for his fishing trip. As soon as he leaves I stumble to the bathroom and switch on the light. I wince as it spears into my sensitive eyes. I can't stand the sight of myself in the mirror, so I flick the light off again, and splash cold water on my face to soothe my puffy eyes.
When I get back to bed I start to wonder again. I wonder if Edward's night was as awful as mine; I wonder what he said to Irina when he told her; I wonder what he's doing right now. Most of all I wonder why he hasn't tried to contact me at all. I know it's irrational since he warned me it could be a day or so, but it still stings.
I lie on top of my bed and try to focus on everything he said. He told me it wouldn't be easy, that it would take time. The memory of his tender words and promises calms me a little. I need to stay strong and have faith that he'll contact me as soon as he can.
The only person I spoke to on Saturday was Mrs. Stanley. I'd been sitting in the kitchen alone all day, alternating my attention between my cell on the table and the phone on the wall. Willing one of them to ring. When the shrill ring pierced the silence hope flared in my chest, only to be extinguished when Mrs. Stanley's cold voice greeted me.
"Is your father home?" She asked, her voice dripping with disdain.
"He's out." I responded, my tone matching hers perfectly, though my voice sounded a little hoarse.
"Jessica told me–"
"We're not interested in Jessica's lies here."
I hung up on her. The last thing I wanted was her tying up the line if Edward was trying to get through. But as soon as I turned around and saw the empty kitchen, I couldn't stand being in the house anymore. I ran to the meadow and sat in the rain for the rest of the day – still staring at the cell phone.
Last night stretched longer than Friday night, but I feel more hopeful that I'll hear from Edward today. He's had two days to explain things to Irina, surely he'll find some time today to contact me.
I look at the time on my cell. That's what it's been reduced to now. Its sole function this weekend has been to tell me that the hours I thought had passed have been mere minutes. All the attempts I've made to call Edward have gone unanswered. I don't know if he's heard my voicemails or read my texts either, but all the cell does is taunt me with the time when I check for a response. I briefly wonder if there is something wrong with his cell. He bought both of them at the same time – one for each of us – and only I have the number for his and vice versa.
While I'm debating on the dependability of cell phones, the landline rings downstairs. Charlie's footsteps thump across the hallway as he moves to answer it. My heartbeat kicks up a notch as I listen in hope that he'll call my name. He doesn't. I listen to his muffled voice and know it's Mrs. Stanley again when I hear it escalate into angry tones.
Shit.
His footsteps are heavy as he climbs the stairs. I brace myself when he knocks. His movements are too slow, the knock too quiet. When he opens the door I can see the restrained anger in his expression.
"Please tell me that Stanley girl is lying," he says without looking at me.
"She is."
His fingers curl into a fist against the doorframe. His moustache twitches, but still he won't look at me. "Why's she saying it if there's no truth in it?"
I shrug, feigning nonchalance. I decided the best way to handle this is to deny everything until I discuss things with Edward. The last thing I want to do is cause even more trouble for him, so despite my deep desire to admit that I love him, I force out the lies. Of course, when it comes out that Edward has left his wife some of it might rear its head again, but we'll be leaving town when it's time for me to go to college anyway.
"She's just being a bitch."
His eyes finally meet mine. "You spend a lot of time at the Cullen's."
"Yeah, because Alice is my best friend."
"What's she saying about all of this?"
My mouth dries a little. "She knows it's not true. Jessica's just jealous of me being friends with Mike, so she's causing trouble."
Charlie sighs, looking unconvinced. "This is a serious allegation, Bella. Maybe I should go talk to the Cullens." His eyes are filled with suspicion.
"Yeah, because that won't make things worse," I manage to say sarcastically.
He holds my gaze, and I meet it unwaveringly.
"Everybody knows Jessica loves nothing better than to gossip. They'll move onto something else in a few days if we ignore it."
I hold my breath while he mulls it over.
"I'll never understand you girls," he grumbles. I look away when he stares at me long and hard as if he's trying to figure out whether to believe me or not. "Violet Stanley seems to think it's true."
"I don't give a shit about Violet Stanley," I snap. "She's a worse gossip than Jessica."
"Language."
I roll my eyes.
"Was Alice in the car when Edward dropped you off the other night?"
"No," I admit.
His eyes flash angrily. "I don't want you going up there anymore. If you want to see Alice, she can come here."
"Like you're ever here to know what I'm doing," I mutter.
He steps into the room. "I mean it, Bella. Don't make this worse than it already is. Stay away."
I turn my back on him, and he eventually leaves the room. I pick up my phone and look at the blank screen: no texts and no missed calls.
I arrive at school deliberately late on Monday. I feel like crap since I haven't slept all weekend, and the silence from Edward is really starting to worry me. Surely by now he could've slipped out to make one call.
The day is excruciating to say the least. I try to hold my head up as I walk through the crowded corridors but the intense scrutiny and the sniggers are hard to ignore. I saw Alice in the morning, but she turned around and walked the other way when I tried to talk to her. I tried to fake it in the lunch room, but the fact that I didn't sit with Alice fuelled the gossip more, so I left and sat alone under the stairs.
At the end of the day I approach my locker and spot yet another sheet of paper stuck to it. I don't bother to read it, preferring to crumple it up and throw it on the floor like the trash it is.
"Hey."
The tone of Mike's voice is the first kindness I've heard all day. "Hey," I respond without turning.
He leans on the locker next to mine and tilts his face down till it's in my line of vision.
"You sure you want to be seen talking to the school whore?" I ask.
"I don't think that," he says sadly.
I can't look at him because I'm sure I'll cry if I do. "You know your girlfriend should think about becoming a novelist. She's very good at making up stories."
I've caught snippets all day of the things Jessica has been saying. The whole thing has turned into an epic saga. She's been telling people all sorts of lies, even having the gall to claim that I've been sharing the details of my 'sordid affair' with her all along. She's clearly enjoying the attention and if I didn't know it would make things worse, I'd have slapped her lying face by now.
"Is it true?" Mike asks quietly.
I slam my locker closed and walk away from him. He doesn't follow.
In the parking lot I wait by Alice's car.
"I don't want to talk," she says, looking at the ground. She looks torn as she avoids making eye contact with me.
"Please. Can't we just go somewhere and talk about this?"
She shakes her head sadly. "No... I can't."
I can see her quiet resolve and know that she won't back down. I war with myself for a few moments.
"Alice, I need to know..." I clench my eyes tight and draw in a deep breath. As much as I hate doing this I have to ask. "Did Edward tell Irina?"
Her eyes snap up, and she shakes her head, her face a picture of pure disdain. "What Edward discusses with his wife is none of your business," she snaps coldly.
Defeated, I step aside and let her get into her car.
I don't drive straight home. I drive around town for awhile hoping in vain that I might see Edward. I drive by the medical centre but his car isn't there. Hope flares in my chest that he'll be at the meadow waiting for me. I don't even bother going into the house. I leave my bag in the truck and run along the trail with mounting excitement.
It dies when I step into the clearing.
He's not here.
I regret not going into the house to get my phone as I wait with my eyes trained on the trees, praying that he'll appear. My heart aches for him. I just want him to wrap his arms around me and tell me everything will be alright.
I miss the comfort of his embrace and the way his fingers drift through my hair while he murmurs soft endearments. I'd give anything to see him walking across the meadow towards me. The void he's left in me grows by the day.
Up until now I've been certain that he'll contact me, but the doubt that is starting to creep up on me is hard to ignore. Sometimes being here helps me to push those doubts away. Leaning my head back against the tree, I close my eyes and remember the words he said. His promises were so heartfelt that remembering them calms me.
He loves me. I know he does.
When darkness sweeps across the sky in deep purple clouds, I rise stiffly to my feet and reluctantly head home.
"Where were you?" Charlie demands when I make it back to the house.
"Out," I snap, stomping past him.
"Who were you with?" he yells as I take the stairs two at a time.
"No one," I yell back before slamming my bedroom door.
Loud bangs drift up from the kitchen, but all I care about is checking my cell again. I pull it out of my drawer and feel like screaming with frustration at the empty display.
After a week spent trying to be as inconspicuous as possible at school and hanging around the meadow waiting for Edward, things get much worse.
I arrive home on Friday, and even though I'm surprised to see the cruiser in the driveway, I don't think too much about it until I see Charlie sitting at the kitchen table looking angrier than I've ever seen him.
"Sit down," he orders, pushing a chair out with his foot.
"What's up?"
His jaw flexes. "You tell me."
"Is this about Jessica Stanley again?" I ask, rising.
He slams his fist down on the table so hard the glass of water in front of him jumps. My heart almost stops with fright.
"This is about you and Edward fucking Cullen!" he yells. "I got a phone call today from the medical board. They've received a complaint that Edward is having a..." His eyes briefly squeeze shut. "... sexual relationship with one of his patients." He's clearly repeating what was said to him word for word.
"I'm not his patient," I protest.
I realise my mistake when his face pales to a ghostly pallor.
"I mean–"
He stands up. "I want the truth, Bella." He glares down at me. "There's going to be some sort of investigation, you'll be interviewed, so you better start talking now. Did he touch you?"
"No," I lie, feeling sick to my stomach.
He leans both hands on the table and looms over me. "I don't believe you. You think I can't hear you crying at night? You think I don't see that you look like shit? I thought it was some stupid high school bullshit and it would blow over. But it's more than that, isn't it?"
I shake my head as the tears start to fall. He grabs his keys from the table. "Maybe I'll get a straight answer from him."
"No!" I yell, chasing after him. "Don't."
He whirls in the hallway and grabs my arms, holding me in place while he glares at me. "Tell me what happened, and don't lie to me. You might not think I know you, but I do... I can see you're hurting."
"I kissed him," I blurt, desperate to divert him from the truth. "Jessica saw me and now she's making up lies."
"You kissed him?" His hands tighten around my arms.
I nod. "I fell... I had a crush on him... for awhile... and that night... It was stupid. I was stupid. I didn't know Jessica was there... I never–"
He lets go of one arm, and I stop babbling when he leads me back into the kitchen and sits me down.
Some of his anger has been replaced by disappointment, and I can't meet his eyes when he starts to speak. "Did he kiss you back?" I shake my head. "Did he ever encourage you?"
"No. He pushed me away; he was angry with me." I stare down at my hands as the lies drip easily from my tongue. "Alice is angry with me too. I don't know why I did it."
He sighs harshly, dropping into the other chair. "Nothing's ever easy with you," he says, traces of his anger still evident in his tone. "Why do you have to cause trouble all the time? He's married for Christ's sake. You can't just go around throwing yourself at married men."
He rants at me for a while, alternating between anger and disappointment. I hate how relieved I am that he believes me, because really I shouldn't be relieved at all. These lies will just make it worse when I can be with Edward. I can't tell him the truth right now, because the first thing he'll do is go after Edward and that will only draw more attention to Jessica's claims.
I'm given a reprieve when he gets called into work, but he makes it clear I'm not to leave the house and says he'll call every half hour to make sure I'm home. As soon as he's gone I race for the phone, knowing I'm taking a chance but I have to find out what's going on with Edward. Now that the medical board has been in touch, I know for certain his whole family knows... including Irina.
My heart is pounding so hard in my ears I can barely concentrate on the ringing while I wait for someone to answer.
"Hello?"
I was hoping for Edward and panic flares when it's Esme's voice that drifts down the line. I almost hang up, but my desperation to speak to Edward overrides my fear.
"I need to speak to Edward," I blurt.
I hear her quick intake of breath. "Bella, that's not a good idea."
"Esme please, I hav–"
"Edward's not here," she says, her voice quieter than it was before. "And even if he was he wouldn't take your call. I think you and your friend have caused enough trouble. Please don't call here again."
She hangs up, and I burst into tears. It's all spiralling out of control – I can't understand why Edward hasn't called or tried to see me. Suddenly, the dreams I've been coveting for months are turning into a nightmare.
Apart from one confrontation where I cornered Jessica in the bathrooms and tried to convince her to tell the truth, things begin to settle down a little at school. Everyone is starting to think about the upcoming finals, which means I'm no longer the number one topic of discussion.
I don't think about finals though, because every day after school I drive around town for a little while hoping to run into Edward, and then I sit beneath the tree in the meadow for as long as I can to wait for him.
I've tried a couple of times not to go to the meadow, but the fear I'll miss him is too much to bear. Day after day I sit in the same spot with my eyes trained on the gap in the trees. Sometimes, I hear the snap of a twig or a rustle in the trees and my heart pounds with excitement, but it must be animals because he never appears like I expect him to.
I've passed the time by clinging to the memories of our time spent together here, reliving every sweet moment, hearing again every endearment he panted into my ear while he moved inside me. I can't even think about never hearing him whisper to me like that again.
But day by day my hope fades.
Somehow it's easier to dwell on those memories than it is to relive our conversations about the future. I should be preparing for my finals and sending off college applications. Deep down I know that I'm risking failing by coming here instead of studying, but seeing him means more to me than anything right now.
I can barely eat; I'm not sleeping properly, and every waking moment is fraught with missing him. It's getting harder to fight the growing trepidation that is brewing within me.
Days turn into weeks without word from Edward. I even skip the odd day at school to wait in the meadow, but he doesn't come. At night I dream of him and wake up sobbing into my pillow, but I can't let go. I can't bring myself to believe that he lied to me, that every promise was empty.
On the days I do go to school, I'm even more miserable. Angela Weber and Mike are the only two people who are nice to me. I still get the occasional insult taped to my locker and see people staring at me across the classroom while they snigger. I thought people would get bored and move on, but there's no sign of that yet. Every day hurts worse than the one before.
I'm mostly numb as I walk around the school in a daze or sit in class not hearing a word the teacher is saying. The only time I'm fully aware of my surroundings is in Biology, because Alice sits two desks to my left in that class. She rarely looks at me, but on the few occasions she has, her eyes are dark and expressive – sometimes with anger, but sometimes with torment and a hint of sadness.
I've given up trying to speak to her. Instead I sit and bristle, unbearably aware of the eyes constantly watching Alice and me in hope of an altercation that will give them something new to talk about.
It still takes a lot of effort not to look at Alice, but I manage it.
The teacher is late today, and I doodle on my notebook while we wait. Chatter goes on around me, but all I can concentrate on are the little houses I'm drawing on the blank page. Someone once showed me how to draw a square with a triangle on top and a cross in the middle without lifting the pen from the page. They look like houses to me and I draw one after the other while I try to tune out the people around me.
"Hey Bella."
Before I can catch myself my head snaps up at the sound of Lauren's voice. Her over-glossed lips are spread into the type of grin that has me bracing myself for a barbed comment.
"Fuck off, Lauren," I spit, tired and bitter and completely unable to keep my contempt for her at bay.
Her smile doesn't falter, in fact, if anything it gets wider. "I hear your boyfriend's wife is pregnant."
Her words slam into my chest like a physical entity. In the moment before they fully register, it's as if all the air has been sucked out of the room – and then they hit home and I feel like they have literally lacerated my heart. Pins and needles prickle all over my body, my breath stalls in my throat and my heart thumps a staccato rhythm against my ribs. The room swims and blurs as the blood drains from my face.
For the first time today I look at Alice.
And see the truth in her eyes.
Lauren is babbling about how she heard the news from someone who works with her at the medical centre, but her words are barely registering. All I can focus on is the pity on Alice's face... and it shocks me just as much as Lauren's revelation.
My throat constricts against the bile that flies into it. Snatching up my things, I bolt from the classroom and don't stop running until I reach the bathroom. My stomach heaves violently, and I retch painfully over the toilet bowl. Terrified that someone will come looking for me, I race to my truck as soon as I regain control of my stomach.
Recklessly, I drive home with tears streaming down my face. Again, I run to the meadow and wait.
I wait because I'm sure that he wouldn't do this to me. He wouldn't leave me without a word. He wouldn't get his wife pregnant and leave me to find out like this. My sobs are loud in the loneliness of the meadow.
The pain is so strong it cripples me. I curl up on the ground, the mossy smell of the damp earth filling my nostrils. My stomach roils as Lauren's words scream inside my head. They mix with Edward's promises until nothing makes sense anymore.
It's Edward's voice that prevails. I hear his soft voice telling me he loves me, assuring me that we'll be alright. I clutch at my chest, feeling powerless against the grief that's overwhelming me.
"Please come," I chant over and over. "Don't leave me."
My body trembles violently when it starts to sink in.
Irina is pregnant.
He's been lying all along.
He never intended to leave her to be with me.
I curl up tighter on the damp grass, pulling my knees up to my chest. The thought of him touching Irina and being with her the way he was with me rips away the last of my hope. Sobs scream from my throat, my heart shattering under the crushing weight of his betrayal.
To be continued...