A/N: Third installment in the DW Owner's Guide series . Original idea belongs to the wonderful Theresa Green, who was kind enough to give me her permission to adapt her LOTR Owner's Guide outline for the DW section.
Ma-Ri Su sighed with happiness as she admired the giant crate sitting on her porch. It had taken her some time to collect enough money for this purchase, but she had finally done it—she had bought yet another unit for her growing collection!
"Wu bishie: check," she sang out gleefully to herself, mentally noting that she needed to tackle—literally—a Wei kingdom bishounen next to make her Three Kingdoms collection complete.
Or perhaps not, she thought, as she spied the glossy catalogue sticking out of the crate. So many hotties, so little money—she could get a MA CHAO unit next, or a JIANG WEI, or a GAN NING, or a CAO PI, or a…
…Ma-Ri Su shook herself out of her happy fangirl stupor when she heard outraged banging emanating from inside the crate on her porch. Oops, silly her. She'd been so caught up in her perverted fangirl delusions about Dynasty Warriors hotties that she didn't have right in front of her dewy eyes, she'd almost forgotten about the Dynasty Warriors hottie that she did have (right in front of her dewy eyes!) Eagerly, Ma-Ri Su went to work, whipping out her newly-manicured hands and preparing to rip through the packaging. For her beloved new Wu hottie, she'd gladly sacrifice her nails. But before she could add a third victim to her harem, she'd have to study through yet another dreaded owner's guide.
CONGRATULATIONS!
You are now the proud owner of a SUN CE unit. To ensure that your brave and gallant Little Conqueror leads a happy, productive, and surfer-slang-filled life, please operate him according to the instructions detailed out within this guide.
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Name: Family Name—Sun, Given Name—Ce, Style Name—Bofu (be sure not to confuse with "Mofo!")
Aliases: The Little Conqueror, Xiao Ba Wang (if you want to go by the Chinese nickname), that American dude
Manufacturer: KOEI Corporation, Dynasty Warriors Division, Hunky Airheads Collection
Date of Manufacture: Circa A.D.175
Place of Manufacture: Wu Kingdom, China
Height: Five (5) feet, nine (9) inches
Weight: Regrettably, due to atrocious misuse of measuring scales by the staff, this particular unit's weight is still a mystery to our company—a downfall of having an 89:11 female-to-male ratio amongst our employees, we suppose. Gentlemen, please feel free to apply to the Hunky Airheads Collection, the Beefy Rogue Warlords Collection, the Video Game Hotties Collection, or any of their sister branches here at the Dynasty Warriors Division. Until then, the scales will remain strictly an excuse for getting the units out of their pants.
Default Age Setting: Twenty-six (26) years
Length: Surprisingly, not all that big when compared with those of the LU BU or the ZHAO YUN units. On the plus side, the SUN CE unit has two of them!
(Note: This is in reference to the SUN CE unit's tonfas, the Overlord. What exactly did you think we were talking about in reference to his 'length," ya perverts!)
ACCESSORIES
One can't expect a studly, if not slightly moronic, ladies' man to strut around without the right bling bling and ching ching. In regards to SUN CE, the company is confident that this particular unit will not be found lacking in the clothing department (seriously, ladies, he will NOT be lacking when it comes to clothes! We've had enough headaches with the recent wave of indecent exposure lawsuits filed against our ZHANG HEs—not our fault this particularly narcissistic unit likes to run around naked to show off what perfectly beautiful skin he has) But we digress. In regards to SUN CE, he will come equipped with the following items:
One (1) embroidered dark blue fighting robe
One (1) handsome set of dark scarlet armor, complete with a pretty, gold-fringed little skirt that would put any Scottish yodeler to shame
One (1) extra-long scarlet hair ribbon that will flutter dramatically at the slightest hint of wind
One (1) clunky, gold-clasped belt
One (1) pair of boots
One (1) goatee comb
One (1) pair of tonfas, known collectively as the Overlord
Non-American owners should call our company branch in Orange County, California at 1-800-555-DUDE to request a companion book, Colloquialism for Dummies, which will translate all of the SUN CE unit's American slang into thirty-six different languages.
OPERATIONAL FUNCTIONS
After all, what good will buying a SUN CE do if all he's capable of is standing around getting sexed up by hormonal fangirls? For those confused owners who just can't figure out what to do with their SUN CEs, the company has graciously prepared a list of some of the more popular uses for this particular unit.
1. Surfing Instructor
Cowabunga, dude! Where else could the SUN CE unit have picked up all that stoned-surfer lingo but at some (topless) beach? If you have to listen to your Little Conqueror putter around and spout off American slang all day, you might as well extract a price from said Conqueror and make him give you a couple of lessons. On the off chance that surfing's not your thing, then at least reserve the right to rub sunscreen onto your SUN CE before he hits the waves, sit back, and enjoy watching the ponytailed hothead run on the beach with dripping hair and wearing the most sinfully tight wetsuit that money can buy.
2. Fake ID Specialist
Having marched off to war at the tender age of seventeen, the SUN CE unit inevitably found himself, after a long day's battle, barred from many, ahem, gentlemen's entertainment establishments due to being underage. As a result, he has become quite adept at finding little ways around the bouncers of bars, nightclubs, strip joints, and their like. So remember, the next time you need to sneak into an R-rated movie, a nightclub, or any place else that has an age limit, turn to your SUN CE unit for help. Chances are, he will be more than happy to equip you with a fake driver's license that reads you are a fifty-one-year-old, three-hundred-pound, purple-dreadlocked hermaphrodite from Uzbekistan.
3. Romance Novel Cover-Boy
Step aside, Fabio, there's a new…er, Fabio in town, and his name is SUN CE! What sexually frustrated middle-aged woman or hormonal teenage girl with no life will be able to resist that tan, that wind-swept ponytail, that oh-so-sexy facial hair, and those incredible biceps? Besides, we all know girls love a guy who walks around carrying two big sticks!
4. Pedophile
Um…not really…
5. Bofu, the Taoist Slayer
This function is not reserved solely for Taoists, as the SUN CE unit seems to have a particular and deeply ingrained hatred for all religious figures. Our company has already received its share of complaints from bewildered owners who've found themselves forced to restrain their rabid SUN CEs from tying up all the local priests/rabbis/monks/cult leaders and then throwing them into a funeral pyre. The only solution we can suggest is to blindfold your SUN CE whenever all such priests/rabbis/monks/cult leaders are around. Usually he'll let you do that if you promise him he's going to get a nice surprise afterwards (said surprise can be an itty bitty bath towel, an itty bitty tank top, or a new sinfully tight wetsuit).
There are, of course, several other, more unorthodox uses for your SUN CE. Generally, this particular unit has been found to be a lot more willing to go along with the whims of their owners than, say, a JIANG WEI unit might be…provided said owners be female and over the age of eighteen (but preferably look to be around twelve). It is also a good idea to make sure that no QIAO SISTERS units are lurking nearby; these might automatically activate the SUN CE unit's Dude, When Did I Snag A Wife? program.
CLEANING
Grinning, flexing his beefy biceps, showing off, sexing up, and other such activities can take their toll on a SUN CE's cleanliness after a while. Typically, a SUN CE unit tends to prefer the rugged, slightly scruffy look, so he won't require as much conditioner or moisturizing cream as, say, a ZHANG HE unit will demand. However, it is still advised that an owner wash and shampoo her SUN CE as often as he will allow her to rip his clothes off and plop him into a bubble bath.
PRECAUTIONS
The SUN CE unit is surprisingly vain of his masculine, chiseled profile, and some of these Hunky Airheads have been known to kill themselves if they ever become ugly. Keep your SUN CE far away from any archers and/or assassins just waiting to mutilate his face. Also make sure you have plenty of Neutrogena handy, in case the SUN CE ever gets a pimple and subsequently decides to activate his Self-Destruct program.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: Why does my SUN CE unit have such an unhealthy fixation on that Sailor Moon TV show?
A: Take a good look at a picture of Sailor Moon. Now take a good look at a picture of a DA QIAO unit. Notice the similar pigtails and underage, jailbait schoolgirl look these two share? We thought so. Sadly enough, the Sailor Moon show has a long history of automatically triggering SUN CEs' memories of their default wife units. We have yet to find a permanent solution for this glitch in their programming, and sincerely apologize for the inconvenience. If the Sailor Moon obsession gets too bad, just send us your used SUN CE unit and we'll be more than happy to give you a full refund or replacement.
Q: I keep catching my SUN CE unit snuggling up with a gorgeous—albeit somewhat flat-chested—brunette in red-and-silver brocade robes. Who is this mysterious new love interest, and why must she insist on stealing my Sunshine-poo? Wah!
A: Oh, my. From the description you've just given us, it seems as if this new love interest isn't a girl at all, but rather, a ZHOU YU unit! Also from the description you've given us, it seems as if your SUN CE has somehow automatically switched himself to Slash Mode (that happens a lot when left unsupervised for long with ZHOU YU units) In such a case, you'll have to shut down your SUN CE unit and manually reboot him. Kicking out the ZHOU YU unit from the neighborhood might also be a good idea, unless you're one of those rabid yaoi fangirls we've been hearing so much about.
Q: How does my SUN CE keep his goatee so smooth and sexy without any knowledge of modern shaving tools?
A: Who says he doesn't have any knowledge of modern shaving tools? Haven't you ever wondered why your new Gillette Venus keeps disappearing lately?
Q: How come the only Chinese words my SUN CE knows are "mushu" and "wonton?" Isn't he supposed to be, you know, Chinese?
A: While it is true that the SUN CE unit is based on a Chinese historical figure, the manufacturing and design are actually done by a Japanese company. Therefore, do not be surprised if the only Chinese words your SUN CE knows are menu items or naughty phrases that will get him in trouble with people who do know Chinese.
TROUBLESHOOTING
Problem: Last week, I was foolish enough to let my SUN CE unit go pick up my little sister at her junior high school. The next thing I know, he's being slapped with a restraining order against the entire cheerleading squad, as well as some of the younger-looking teachers. What should I do?
Solution: This problem is a direct result of an unfixable glitch in the SUN CE unit's Attraction to Jailbait program. Unfortunately, all SUN CEs automatically come with this pesky program, and the best solution is to shut down the unit and do a complete reboot. A nice crooked lawyer would also be nice to keep handy in case any of the aforementioned jailbaits' parents decide to sue.
Problem: My SUN CE unit loves to strut around showing off his biceps and twirling his tonfas around. It would be a perfectly squee-worthy moment, really, except that my neighbors keep confusing his tonfas for nightsticks, and my SUN CE himself for a security guard!
Solution: Well, this is certainly a unique problem. Unfortunately, trying to change the opinion of an entire neighborhood can be quite a monumental task. Might we suggest that you simply accept this fact—after all, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Besides, this gives you the perfect excuse to buy a trashy security guard uniform for your SUN CE!
Problem: I took my SUN CE with me on a trip to China, figuring he might as well get acquainted with the country that's supposedly his home. However, when we went to visit a Taoist temple, my SUN CE promptly jumped the head priest and tried to set his hair on fire!
Solution: Go back a few pages. Look under Operational Functions. Remember Bofu the Taoist Slayer? If you forgot, shame on you! For not remembering that part, you deserve all the legal harassment resulting from your SUN CE's attempts at barbecuing any religious leaders!
Problem: The other day, my SUN CE unit somehow stumbled across a certain fanfiction website while surfing the Net, and after reading all those fics about him, the poor Hunky Airhead's become confused as to whether his true love is a DA QIAO unit or a ZHOU YU unit. What should I do?
Solution: Threesome anyone?
FINAL NOTE
SUN CEs are some of the most popular and fun units currently produced by our company. Unfortunately, they also happen to be some of the more explosive units, and tend to fall victim to the live-fast-die-young mentality. So long as your SUN CE doesn't encounter any religious people, pimples of doom, or overzealous pedophile hunters, he should lead a happy and productive life.
Here, Ma-Ri Su stopped reading. It was time to introduce yet another bishie to her impressive collection of one traumatized ZHAO YUN unit and one arrogant LU BU unit.
"Oh, Sunshine-poo! Come to Ma-Ma!" she cooed happily, as she ripped through the yellow tape and dived inside the shipping crate to gleefully glomp the breath out of her new SUN CE unit.