Disclaimer: We don't own anything from the Harry Potter universe. We are not J.K. Rowling in any way, shape, or form (which should be obvious by the fact that we are a "we," now shouldn't it?), and we're relatively certain that even if we tried really, REALLY hard, we'll never be able to transfigure ourselves into her. Obviously we're not trying to take credit.

Sirius Black's Journal

Day one,

This is a joke right??? This can't be real, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Oh my god they're back, back, back you fiend. (Chucks rocks at the dementors, they laugh.) I didn't know they could do that. What am I saying?!?! Oh no it's starting. I'm going crazy. Wait I already was nuts. What happens to lunatics who have their sanity removed? Guess I'll find out. SHIT, this sucks.

Day two.

(Pacing.) One bottle of beer on the wall, one bottle of beer. Take one down pass it around, no more beer. Crap, I could use a beer. One more time! 457289621.4 bottles of beer on the wall...

Day 3

They don't like my singing. After about two hundred and forty bottles of beer prisoners started throwing rocks. Who would think that people this hard up for entertainment would this picky?! What do they expect? It's not like their going to put the Eagles in Azkaban, (although it would be interesting). Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away… (clunk). Hey knock it off already! Damn, you people have no taste.

Day 4

Ok so this sucks, but at least I'm not next to the wailing weirdoes in cell 13, lucky number 13. (grins maniacally.) The idiots do nothing but shriek about their fucking mommy. What's that they always say in war movies? "YOU DON'T GOT NO MAMA HERE BOY!!!" while smoking some ridiculous cigar. Man I could use a cigar. Not only would it satisfy this irritating craving to indulge in something, but it would put me years closer to death. Ah lung cancer, what bliss. Anyway back to the bawling babies. You think they would shut up about it, I mean they actually committed a crime. I didn't even get to do any cool illegal stuff before I got in here. But if they don't SHUT UP!!! I'm going to earn my cell and kill them ALL!!!! I'll work on my aim till I can effectively bludgeon them to death with rocks. The dementors will love it. Time to get some ammo. OH MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB LITTLE LAMB… Ow! They're getting better. Oooo that was a big one, look out cell 13.

Author's note: It's BACK! Sirius' journal. Except this time, we'd like to point out that this story contains no "non-story elements" except these little disclaimers and author's notes, which we were told we're allowed to do. This IS a story. It IS fiction. It IS a narrative. And we're even trying to make it grammatically correct. No script stuff… and it's rated properly. So, please don't pull it this time! Thanks! By the way, it's also short. We make no apologies. Please review.