The Legend of the Princess, the Hero, the Dark Lord and the Failure

My name is Falko Alex Imilian Ludwig Uwe Raven Ella, but most people just combine the first letters and call me Failure. As I said, or not, I'm the most beautiful female person in existence, therefore no words exist to describe my appearance without insulting it.

However, I will try to give some taste of it nevertheless. I start with the most important part, the eyes which have a color mix of blood red and #87cefa. Combined with my many-adjectives hair, they make anybody who sees them immediately kneel down before my person and fall in love with me.
Even though I appreciate all the attention, nobody has any idea what a burden this can be if you're adored by anybody and their surrogate mothers.

If someone might wonder why my appearance may change through my adventure, it's no mystery or magic. I can change them in an instant because I carry a collection of contact lenses and wigs as well as a complete wardrobe around me every time I leave my house. Only a fool wouldn't do that and since I'm perfect, I'm of course no fool. Logically, isn't it?

All in all, it's easy to say that I'm the personification of beautiful beauty and reincarnation of perfect perfection and everybody who thinks otherwise is jealous or blind or both.

Now, after my long babbling of absolute nothing, I will now share my story, an adventure full of adventures and more adventures. It all happens on a rainy evening that reflects my inner mood because something terrible, which I can't even remember, happened before. Oh my, this was so horrible that my memory got soon rid of it.
Now I sit down and play my favorite Zelda game, 'A Ganon to the Past' (or was it 'Ocarina of Twilight'? I can't remember...) and then, all of a sudden, it happens. The game draws me in, literally, and spins me around.

Since the next couple of events are uninteresting because they could actually make me look too much like an imperfect person, I skip them. The only important thing here is that I get aware of my destiny of saving Hyrule from an evil force, which is most of the time either called Ganon or Ganonkaff (for some reasons I think he has another suffix but whatever, he's evil, who cares). Furthermore, he looks like a pig. Or a human, depending on how much time he spends in the bathroom or wherever he wastes his time.

Well, he's not important now because I have to sneak my way into the castle. Not that I really have to "sneak" in because I know I'm highly welcomed as the savior of Hyrule. Yet it's surprising that the soldiers are charging at me with their swords and yell, "Capture this introducer!", but it's most likely just their way of greeting and adoring. Different countries, different cultures.

After I have earned a lot of welcome gifts that stick everywhere in my body, I stand in front of the beautiful princess called Zelda in her throne room. Although, she isn't half as beautiful as me, so I may better say: I stand in front of the not-half-as-beautiful-as-me princess called Zelda.

"I cannot recall I had arranged an audience. May I ask for your intentions and the reasons for your reckless behavior, including ignoring the orders of my trustworthy soldiers?" she asks me in a calm manner, but I know she is burning of excitement in the inside. She wants to thank me beforehand that I will rescue her kingdom. A shame that she's too ashamed to thank me in front of her men as it means to admit that she can't defend her country herself. But this is fine with me. Not everyone can be such a perfect heroine as me.

"Don't be afraid! Your kingdom will be safe! I will protect it and you from the evil forces of Ganon," I respond proudly. I don't need to be afraid because I know that I can do everything anytime. For I'm perfect.

But although I want to leave, fulfilling my duty and destiny and everything, she holds me back and almost begs not to risk my life, even though she does it in a disguise of formality. Royalty, they can't behave in any other way.

"I acknowledge your efforts, yet I have to firmly deny your scheme. Our hero, Link, the chosen one by the Goddesses themselves, is already on his conquest to defeat Ganondorf, the Great King of Evil. However, as a princess, it is my highest priority to care for my people. I do not intend to be insulting, yet I am afraid that your physical wounds may have infected your mental health as well. Therefore, I recommend calling on a doctor before you set off again in order to prevent further harm that this might cause to you and especially to the people surrounding you."

"No," I aspirate in such a cute way that would even melt a block of ice. Unfortunately, there is none to prove it. "But don't worry about me! I will be alright! I will save this kingdom, I will save this Link and you and while I'm at it, the entire world as well. It will be a piece of cake, trust me!"
I have no more time to waste and run outside of the throne room again. In the end, a whole realm is waiting to be saved by me.

"I am afraid that she did not understand the meaning of my words. I can only hope she refrains from challenging Ganondorf and pray that she does not waste her life for nothing and endanger those of others," I hear her saying while I'm already outside of the castle again. But thanks to my extraordinary sense of hearing, which even catches whispers through three walls, I understand her nonetheless. Nevertheless and nonetheless, I know it's hard for other people to accept my intelligence and bravery, but I've learned to live with that. Ones are jealous about my beauty and perfection, the others about my intelligence and bravery and other others don't exist.

Now I'm finally at Hyrule Field, these landscapes full of green with a refreshing wind blowing over it. However, I have no time to marvel at its beauty, yet it's important to mention that it doesn't reach mine at all.

There is only one destination for me: The evil lair of the dark lord. I have no clues where it is, but I know that everything falls into my hands and this one is no exception. Therefore I reach it in less than a few seconds by just making a few steps.

The landscape is now a wasteland with dead woods, rivers of lava, dark clouds, moody paves and so on and so forth. Just like every other dark lord's lair and no one needs descriptions anyway. Beside the ones about me and my beauty of course.

However, when I'm near the entrance, there are all these adorers again. But this time they're monsters that charge at me. By the Goddesses, it's hard to be that loved and get all these gifts made of steel. I have no idea where I shall store them all. But I can't deny it. The inhabitants of Hyrule are truly passionate. It's hard to endure to see all these hearts broken because I can't give mine to them. They have to suffer due to my beautiful beauty. It's like I said before, it's an unimaginable burden.

After the heartwarming welcome, I'm finally able to enter the tower. I open all these doors because the brother of my father has a daughter who has a grandmother who has an aunt who has a dog that has given me lessons in thievery. I don't know why a perfect heroine like me got taught these skills but I need them now in order to proceed through this tower.

When I climb up the stairs, I see a young man, blond hair, green clothes, who fights relentlessly against some of my lovers. I think that he is this Link that Zelda mentioned before. But no matter whom he is, I have to help him, otherwise he's lost and I have to protect everyone. This is my duty after all.

I run towards him and with the magical powers within me, which I didn't even know before, I bring down the ones that are already resting on the floor. By the Goddesses, I'm such a heroic heroine that I'm even willing to turn against my own lovers to preserve an innocent life!

In my triumph, I address this poor guy who must have been feared for his own life, "Don't be afraid, I'm here now! I will help you and save you against the evil claws of Ganon!"

The young man looks admiring at me before he finds back to his words and answers in a subservient manner, "It's nice that you want to help me, but I'm used to fight alone for a long time. This way, I don't need to be afraid anybody I hold dear gets hurt. But I have to tell you, you will not stand a chance against Ganondorf. None at all. He's a very skilled man and to overcome his powers one needs specific weapons and the blessing of the Goddesses. Without these, you can't even harm him and he kills you in an instant if he wants to. It's better if you go and leave the fight to me."

Isn't it nice how he tries to help me? But I can't allow him to accompany me since he could get seriously hurt. Of course I could heal him immediately if needed, but better prevent injuries right from the start.
"No need to worry! I will save you and the kingdom! I know it's my destiny to bring him down!" I answer and climb up the stairs in that eerie tower.

Once I reach the top, I hear a heavy melody and open the big door, the last obstacle that divides me from my fate. Now I see him, with the back to me, playing on an organ. The tall and armored man with his red hair, who brought disaster over the Kingdom of Hyrule. But not much longer since I'm here to save the day, tomorrow and the day after tomorrow.

"Finally you've made your way here. Now I can obtain your part of the Triforce," he says and stops playing. It is fantastic to hear that he only waited for me although it is not surprising as everybody ever only waits for my appearance.
Once he turns around and sees my beauty, he asks in full entrancement, "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm the one who will stop your evil doings. I wish I had another option besides defeating you but fate is against us!" I aspirate while I feel how my inner struggles awake. Is this love? It must be. Yes, of course it is! Otherwise, where would be the tragedy in our encounter?
Why, oh Goddesses, why must I be the one who has to be his downfall? Why isn't there any other hero?

"Lowlifes like you are neither worth my time nor my powers. Get lost," he responded harshly. But I know, he only tries to hide his fear behind a façade that I have already seen through. He is trembling and shaking inside because he knows that his time for his doom has come and there is no escape for him.

I carry no weapons with me but it's not a problem for me at all. That's because I'm the bearer of the fourth piece of the Triforce. The Triforce of Love! Or was it Hope? Time? I forgot, but it's nevertheless the most powerful of them all. Yes, it is. It overpowers every other piece, even the powers of the Triforce of Power are powerless against the fourth Triforce's power.
It's a burden to be that powerful, but I can see how he trembles again once he sees the shine on my hand and desires for it.

"You know what? You can keep your Triforce of Mary-Sue to yourself. I don't want it." Ganondorf makes a short pause in his speaking due to his fear of my powers. "And if you continue bothering me the next five seconds with your pathetic excuse of an existence, I erase it from this world entirely."

Frightening words but I know it's only a trick and he's insecure to the bones. His sole intention is to drag me into carelessness and get his fingers on my piece, but it's not the main reason. The main reason is me. Yes, he wants me, his true love. Even the most evil ones fall for me, there is no exception in either my or this world. I'm certain that the devil himself would make a marriage proposal if we meet one day.

But I can't give myself to him since I have a destiny to fulfill. Sad but true.
I run towards him, swinging a sword, which I had found on the floor, like one of the most skilled swordsman. Ganondorf tries to defend himself and fires one magical ball at me. Though everything turns black for a moment, it won't help him. Once I find myself on the floor and see clear again, he's down on his knees, coughing blood. He lost against me. The world is finally free of evil, only thanks to me.

Well, it's even greater that I have someone here who witnesses my heroic victory. But I have no idea why this young man with the green tunic brandishes his strange sword and a bow with glowing arrows against Ganondorf.
But whatever. I have won, so who cares? I surely don't.

"Curse you, Link! But do not think it ends here! Our history will be written in blood and it will continue with both of us in hell!" groans Ganondorf before he loses his balance and falls on the floor, releasing some magic.

I'm certain he originally meant "I love you" towards me and got distracted by this young man. Also, he definitely intended to kneel down before me but my innocent beauty and pure awesomeness overpowered him. He lost his consciousness then, the poor guy. Yet I can't blame him. I'm aware of these sins I bear since I was born.

Well, it's just a shame that we are destined to be enemies even though we desire each other so much. He is evil, sure, but it's only due to his childhood, he never truly wants to be evil. Or egomaniacal. Or arrogant. Or power-hungry. Or all the other bad characteristics they attribute to him. In reality he only wants to be happy but no one ever cared and so he was left alone in his sorrow and didn't see any other way out than seeking for world domination. What a tragedy (but not as tragic as mine, of course).

But it becomes even more tragic when we stand face to face and our hearts almost burst into pieces. We both know, no matter how hard we try, we would never smile together, we could never be together. It's a tragedy of immense misfortune, a fate which I can barely bear and in that moment, I feel it. I wish I would be dead to escape my gruesome destiny.

But then, it suddenly happens. The tower, it crumbles.
Oh, that Ganondorf. He knows he can't get me in this life so he wants to bury me together with him, so we could be a happy and brilliant married couple in the afterlife. But I'm sorry; I can't come with you, now, even though I wished to be dead only a couple of seconds ago.

I jump out of the window to escape and I pull out of nowhere a parachute. I never used one in my life before but I'm a God-given talent in everything. If there just aren't these winds and the wall in which I crash a second later.

I recover more than quickly from it because of my army of pink fairies that popped out of the air and now watch the castle collapsing.
It is a horrible view but I know I've done the right thing, even though my heart still cries and tears run down my face. Why must my destiny be this cruel? Of course, everything is accompanied by rain, a thunderstorm and even more rain to emphasize my shattered soul and how bad I feel. Even the sky cries together with me, probably even the Goddesses of Hyrule.

Then this young man, Link or whatever, who don't understand how I feel since he never had to suffer in his life, nor does he know how hard it is to be a hero, appears before me.

"Do you live in your own world or why are you ignorant to any danger? You could be dead by now, you know? Ganondorf would have killed you with a ridiculous fragment of his powers if I hadn't deflected the biggest impact of it. Not to mention all the other stray attacks of him that would have killed you while you were lying unconscious on the ground. And what are you doing when everything is over and you're finally awake? You jump recklessly out of the tower and die nonetheless!"
Can one overhear his envy? It's more than obvious, isn't it? He's envious because I've saved the country and I have someone who would be even willing to kill me only to be together with me. But, no matter what he does, he will never get Ganondorf's heart; he already gave it to me.

"Well, at least everything has turned out all right. I'm glad I made it in time down here and had one pink fairy left to revive you after the final battle. But listen. Next time you better stay where you are safe and don't stand in the way. I'm sorry to say this, but you're not a hero, you're a nuisance. To be honest, you are even the biggest and most obnoxious one I've ever met. And I've met many," said this Link in his more than obvious-envy-manner, though he tried to hide it in his fury.
I can't blame him. It's hard to realize that there are greater heroes outside. Some like me. He left; probably drown in self-doubts about his destiny.

Then, suddenly all of a sudden something suddenly happens. An octahedral magical box shining golden surrounds me. There is no escape out of it.
Yes, I know it would come. I have already awaited it. The punishment I have to take for the sins I bear since I was born. My beauty, my awesomeness, my perfection.
It's even too much for the Goddesses of Hyrule themselves, so they had to send me away, back to my world. But one thing is for certain. If this kingdom ever needs me again, I will be there, without hesitation or regret.

Because I know, the people here love me from the bottom of their hearts and I will live on in theirs forever and ever, for an eternity and even one day longer. Me, the great heroine Failure.

The Legend of Failure ends here

Author's Note

I wrote the first versions of this parody/badfic crossover (to just call it a skit would be too easy xD) when I was still working on a, by dimensions, more serious story and needed some lighthearted and, well... stupid stuff to write. :P
However, when I finished the serious one, I thought it would be a(nother) tragedy to let this story rot in the depths of my computer and "improved" it to a readable level.
I know, I'm a horrible person to waste precious web space but I can live with this sin (as well). ;)

Well, you either like my humor or not. Therefore it's up to you if you had a good laugh or if you felt insulted and have the urgent need to pierce me with a sword now. If it's the last case, I hope I'll never cross accidentally your way.

Thanks for reading and never forget: Every story told is just a matter of perspective. ;)