Warnings: This deals with anorexia/eating disorders and cutting/self harm. I know this will never happen in the show and Rachel would NEVER do this. But it's just a story, so please don't take it the wrong way because I know Rachel's character would never give in like this.

Anyway, Read and Review

Rachel's POV

I don't feel like getting up in the mornings. I don't feel like I have to. Why should I walk out the door if I know the love of my life, the first love of my life, won't be walking the earth with me? I should just stay here in bed. And never come out again.

But Kurt had other ideas.

He literally dragged me out of bed. He told me that I had to go work my shift at the diner, ever since I turned down the Funny Girl role after...him. I couldn't do it anymore, it was all wrong. So I went into the bathroom. Claiming I would wash up and start moving on with my life. But all I could think about was that he wasn't here anymore.

What was here though, was in the bathroom drawer. I opened up the doors and saw it just sitting there. I just needed something to take the pain away, just anything. So I grabbed it and looked down at my arms. I rolled up my sleeves and just did it.

The pain was overwhelming, I was beginning to get dizzy. But it was such a relief and watching the blood pour satisfied me. I haven't been eating for days, I'm just not hungry, and I refuse to eat when Kurt gives it to me. I know I've lost weight, Santana says I'm as thin as I am short. And she calls me a midget. So she's saying that I've gotten thinner and less pumpkin like. They seem worried, but I'm not.

I'm startled by a loud knock on the door "Hey Berry!" Santana yelled through "Hurry up, we're going to be late" she says. I roll my eyes and quickly clean up. I've lost so much energy, but the makeup I quickly put on my face covers it all up. I roll down my sleeves and open the door. Santana is looking at me with that same sympathetic face.

"Get dressed" she tells me softly.

I nodded and then walked into my room. I changed into my uniform, which doesn't even fit me anymore it's so lose. I must have lost more weight then I thought. I feel so cold in it because of all the room. I need longer sleeves to cover up the cuts and how much weight I've lost in case they worry. So I put a sweater on underneath and then walk out.

Santana looks me up and down and sighs "Berry-"

"No Santana, we're going to be late" I cut her off as I walked ahead. Kurt glances at me but he doesn't say anything. He just opens the door for me and walks with me out of our apartment. The wind hits me and I shiver, I look up at the sky and just wish he was here.

At the diner, Kurt insists I sit down because I keep swaying. I convince him I'm fine again and get up. Kurt is in the kitchen helping out back there and Santana is out here, she is keeping an eye on me I know. But I make sure I'm all covered up and then go get the order.

"Are you sure you can carry all that?" Santana asks me.

"Of course I can" I take the tray that is surprisingly really heavy. I suddenly realise how empty my body is and the cut is starting to open again and I'm trying to keep a strong face but I can't. Every step hurts and my body can't keep up. I start to sway and slip again.

"Rachel?" Santana calls, making sure I'm alright.

That's what I hear just before my whole body gives in and I fall to the floor. My knees hit the ground and my body falls shortly after. I hear Santana screaming "Oh god! Rachel are you okay?" but I've already collapsed on the floor. My eyes closed. My cuts bleeding. And my heart still aching.

Was that really awful? I don't know, anyway, should I continue this or not?