SUMMARY: To Thorin's great despair, a beardless female dwarf insists on joining his company. (What would actually happen if a Mary Sue dwarf with no beard because "she's different from all other female dwarves" joined Thorin and co.)

AUTHOR'S NOTE: My first Hobbit story! Okay, I don't really know what I'm doing anymore. This idea just occurred to me around 2AM in the morning yesterday when I realized the amount of Mary Sues that were invading the Hobbit fandom. This is basically what I believe would happen if one of those Mary Sues (a beautiful dwarf who just happens to have no beard because she's special and different) joined up with Thorin.

I haven't read the novel for a very long time so I've had to rely on my recollection of the movie to do this. It skips around a lot, but then again, this isn't supposed to be a serious fic. More for laughs than anything.

Please leave a review and let me know how I did.

DISCLAIMER: Don't own.

Nill was no ordinary dwarf. The child of Rorin the Ironfoot and his consort Myryan, many had expected that Nill would be both a great warrior as well as a possessor of the famed beard that had been in both sides of the family for generations. However, in the years after Nill was born, the dwarves were appalled in their realization that Nill was in fact, beardless.

"Thorin Oakenshield," Nill breathed, her large sage-green eyes blinking rapidly as if to conceal tears, "I hear you wish to lead a company. May I join you?"

Thorin, son of Thrain, renowned for his ferocity and prowess in battle, turned his head slightly. He grimaced, hoping that Nill would not move closer to him and expose her face. "I know not what you speak of."

Nill clasped her slender hands (another physical trait that had seemingly sprung out of nowhere as both her parents had meaty, capable hands) and pleaded. "I beg of you! I have nowhere to go and my past haunts me at every turn."

If Thorin was facing Nill, she would have seen him roll his eyes. "I offer my sympathies, but I do believe my burden to far outweigh yours."

"Thorin, you know nothing!"

"I see no need for you to yell when I am standing right next to you."

"You do not understand, Thorin. My dark past plagues me every day and every day I am subjected to horrid memories of other dwarves mocking me!"

"If your past plagues you so, do not think about it. Also, no dwarf mocked you. You just made that up."

"My beardless face!" Nill ignored Thorin and continued her tirade. "A beauty among elves is a curse among the dwarves! You, with your fabulous, silken beard cannot possibly comprehend the sadness I feel every day of my life!"

Thorin sighed. "Perhaps I would be more empathetic to your plight if you refrained from yelling so often."

"So all I have to do is control the timbre of my voice and you will let me accompany you?" Nill exclaimed, still not quite understanding what Thorin meant. "Thorin Oakenshield, your kindness knows no bounds! You will not regret having me!"

"Truer words have often been spoken," Thorin mumbled to himself. "Before we depart, may I ask that you wear this on your head?" Thorin turned to his suddenly present sack, making sure he didn't make eye contact with Nill, and procured a silver helmet encrusted with sparkling jewels. "It's for…protection," he uncharacteristically smiled and nearly threw it at her.

"A gift from my prince!" She crooned. "I will have you know that I am not so easily won over, but am not completely averse to becoming a queen."

"I will keep that in mind." Thorin shaded his eyes from Nill's shining visage and slowly make his exit. Nill never noticed. She was too busy staring at her reflection in the polished silver.

And so Nill joined Thorin and the Oakenshields—er, Thorin and his company of dwarves. One night, their company encountered stone trolls. The dwarves, along with the adorable Hobbit whose name Nill refused to pronounce correctly, would have been killed if not for Gandalf's quick thinking.

"Dawn take you all, and be stone to you!" He said, peeling Nill's helmet off to reveal a blindingly bright beardless chin.

The trolls moaned with agony. The sunlight reflecting off Nill penetrated their tough skin and turned them to stone.

"Good thinking, Gandalf." Thorin said to the wizard.

"It was my chin that saved you all!" Nill clasped her hands together. "If I were a cruel dwarf, I would say you each owe me a life debt, but my kindness prevents that."

"How wonderful," Dwalin muttered in a low voice for fear that Nill would hear him.

"Can you put your helmet back on, please?" Kili asked. "The sun's getting in my eyes."

Nill's emerald green eyes, like glittering orbs of dew on a fresh spring leaf, welled up with tears. "Does my appearance bother you so?"

"No Nill," Fili jumped in to the relief of all the other dwarves who were getting tired of Nill's constant weeping and detailed explanations of her supposedly horrendous childhood. "We just want you to—" Fili looked around for assistance and met Thorin's eyes.

"It's for protection," Thorin explained.

"Our protection," Dwalin whispered to Balin who nodded vigorously.

"Oh I am so happy that you care for me, I could burst into song!" Nill said joyously. All the animals in the vicinity immediately flew away, all too familiar with Nill's decidedly un-songbird voice.

"I'm afraid we don't have time for that." Gandalf said, preventing everyone from becoming an accomplice in murder. "We must make haste."

"Of course." Nill nodded wisely. "In fact, I know the quickest way to the Lonely Mountain."

"You got lost walking from our campsite to the rest area," Kili pointed out, facing the opposite direction as Nill. She still had yet to put on her helmet and her lack of beard was on display for all to see.

Nili sidled up to Kili who let out a soft whimper of fear. "Your concern for my welfare is touching, but I must let you know that another owns my heart."

Kili seemed to be on the verge of tears. He looked to another dwarf for support. All of them were avoiding his eyes, not wanting to get entangled with Nill. Even his uncle Thorin who had promised Kili that he was his favourite nephew, was staring at the ground.

"It is Thorin."

Bilbo, the lone member of their group who was not blatantly disgusted by Nill, choked on his laughter and coughed loudly.

Thorin froze and his expression of horror mirrored on all the dwarves' faces. Balin clasped a hand on his shoulder, shaking his head sadly as if Thorin was present at his own execution.

"Thorin has stolen my heart!"

"Could you keep it down?" Fili asked. "You do not have to yell to tell us something. We are all standing in one spot."

"Thorin, I know you feel the same way. Your shyness—"

"Since when have I ever been shy around you?"

"And the way in which you always pay careful attention to me—"

"It's to make sure you don't take off the helmet and blind everybody."

"And because I'm the only female here—"

"Even if you were the last female dwarf, I still wouldn't choose to be with you."

"That just shows me how much you reciprocate my feelings."

Balin sensed the growing crisis, marked by the significant change in pitch of Thorin's voice. He was beginning to sound like his nephews; never a good sign. Spotting Nill's helmet, he quickly scuttled over to it and unbeknownst to its owner, gave it a swift kick. It flew into the dense forest and Balin watched it sail out of view.

Fili who had been watching Balin, walked over to Nill and put a hand on her elbow. "Nill," he said.

"Fili, my dear," she said, turning to face him.

Suppressing the urge to gag, Fili went on. "I do believe your helmet is missing. Perhaps you should go find it?"

"Did it go missing in the dark forest?" Nill gasped. "I cannot go on my own!"

"We'll go!" Kili squeaked. "We'll go," he repeated in a notably deeper voice. "We'll all go. You stay here. Right, Uncle Thorin?"

"Yes," Thorin said, nodding vigorously. "Nill, you stay here. We'll be back."

"Okay," Nill said and smiled. "I'll be waiting for you, sweet prince."

The dwarves had never moved faster in their life. Dragging along Bilbo (but never Gandalf, because you can never rush a wizard), they escaped the horror that was Nili.

Once they were a safe distance away, Kili turned to Thorin. "Uncle, wasn't that a good idea? To have all of us look?"

Thorin looked at Kili and nodded gravely. "Yes Kili. That was a good idea."

Kili grinned. "Would you say it was a majestic idea?"

"Not quite."

"But—"

"Not majestic."

And so the dwarves, Bilbo Baggins, and Gandalf, journeyed onwards. Free of their burden, they covered more ground than they thought possible. Even poor Bifur, who had never been the same since making direct eye contact with Nill, soon found his sight returning. Eventually, they reached Rivendell.

"I believe there is someone here to see you," Elrond said to Thorin, extending his hand.

Thorin froze. "Who?" He asked, his voice barely a whisper.

Elrond smiled sympathetically. "Well, at least she's not going to be our problem anymore."

"Ttthhhooorrriiinnnn! You have returned for me!"

"Oh no," Kili and Fili said in unison.

Bombur leaned over to the side and threw up.

Ori started sobbing and leaned on Gloin who patted his shoulder sympathetically.

Bifur groaned in pain, clawing at his eyes.

Even Bilbo looked scared. "And I thought we would finally get a break."

Thorin paled considerably. "I think I need to go lie down."

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