A story I wrote off and on over the winter holidays and then forgot all about. Hope you like it. As always, everything recognizable belongs to Stephanie Meyer.

The hand on my forehead was soothing running back over my head before coming back to my forehead and repeating the gentle soothing motion. I could hear my mother murmuring gently, "I'm so sorry baby. I know it hurts."

"Did you ever feel this?"

"When I left your father."

"You abandoned him, you were just like him. Promising forever and then leaving him alone. Taking me like he took the rest of them."

"I loved your father enough to leave him Bella."

"That doesn't make sense." I wanted to sound angry, to be angry and deep down I was but mostly I was just numb with the hurt.

"Staying here, I was drowning baby, things were getting bad between Charlie and I, they would only have gotten worse and I was afraid in the end we'd hate each other. It was best for both of us, all three of us, that I left. I loved him very much Bella but sometimes, we just aren't meant to be with the people we love. It's a hard thing to accept. I almost came back, a few times but I couldn't do that to Charlie. I had to be strong for all of us and Charlie, he loved me enough, loved us enough, to let us go."

"It hurts."

"I know baby. I know. You just want to curl up and stop living, like if you are still enough, you can pause life become numb to the pain or just will back what you had."

"Can you? Maybe you just didn't try hard enough."

"We tried baby. Things were going that way before we had you, then we tried harder because we had you but sometimes the harder you try the worse things get. Like holding a bird."

"Holding a bird?"

"If you hold to lose it flies away, to tight and you crush it."

"So its better to let it go then crush it?"

"Yes because when it's the right love, neither will happen."

"You mean Phil."

"I do. Loving him doesn't mean I didn't or don't love your father."

"You still love him?"

"I don't think we ever stop loving someone once we've loved them, not if the love was real. It just changes. Charlie is the father of my baby girl. He gave me you and nothing could ever make me love him more than that. He was my first love and I care about him deeply. I want him to be happy and I know, deep down, I couldn't do that. We can't make someone else happy when we aren't happy baby."

"It hurts so much."

"I know." She went back to rhythmically stroking my head. I remembered her doing it when I was sick as a young child and took comfort in it. "Your father thinks it might be better for you to come home."

"He wants me to leave?"

"He wants you to be happy again, to heal. Your father loves you so much, more than you can understand, at least until you're a mother. He doesn't know how to help you and it scares him. I don't know either except to be here for you and to tell you that the jagged hole inside of you might not close completely but it will get smaller and the edges less jagged, so you will look back on your first love with a bittersweet ache and sadness of what wasn't meant to be."

"I don't want to go."

"Do you not want to leave here because this is where you're happy, where you think you will find the life you want or because you're holding onto him?" I wasn't sure what to say. "He wouldn't want this Bella. If he loved you even partly as much as you loved him, he'd want you to be happy. Love him the way Charlie loves me, the way he is willing to love you though it hurts him to no end."

"How?"

"Love Edward enough to let him go." She whispered as I felt her tear hit my cheek. "I know it hurts baby and it will hurt for a long time, no one can make that better for you but you have to feel the pain to move through it."

"How is running away feeling the pain?"

"It's not running away Bella. It's healing, moving forward, letting go. If you can and want to do that here, your father and I will support that. I want you to come home, I miss you so much baby but your father and I both just want for you to be ok. So you decide and if it's to stay or come with me, we'll both be there for you."

I sighed, my heart aching as the words whispered past my lips without conscious consent, "I'll come."

"Ok." Renee leaned down and kissed my temple. "I'll pack up your things. Is there anyone you want to say goodbye to?"

"Billy and Jacob, Angela." I wouldn't leave the few friends I had made here without a goodbye, not like they had left me.

"I'll have you packed up while you say goodbye. Our flight is first thing in the morning."

I sniffled and sat up to hug my mother. She gave me a sad smile and kissed my temple again before standing up. "Is there anything you want to pack yourself? Anything you don't want your mom going through?" She chuckled.

I rolled my eyes at her, shaking my head, feeling a smile tug at me through the pain as I looked at my mother, erratic and forgetful, sometime irresponsible but no mother could love her daughter more. "You know everything about me."

She sent me a smile and nodded to the hall before disappearing into my closet.

In the bathroom I gave a grimace at my reflection and wondered when the last time I'd showered was, I wondered what day it even was.

I scrubbed clean and dressed in the jeans and layered shirts my mother had put on the toilet seat for me. Stepping into my chucks I called to her.

"Be back soon."

"Ok baby. Take your time."

It hurt to move, to breath but I made my way to Angela's house. Jessica was over and I was almost glad, she'd been a pretty good friend to me. They both hugged me and made me promise to keep in touch both seemed to want me to stay for a bit but I couldn't, I was tired and the hole made it hard to breath.

On my way to the reservation I saw Sam Uley come out of the store and slammed on my breaks, shocked at myself, I made the turn carefully and pulled to a gentle stop in front of him.

"Bella." He nodded to me.

"I…" I licked my lips, "Thank you."

He was frowning at me but at my words the expression softened a little and he nodded.

"I'm leaving, with my mom."

"I hope you'll be ok."

"Thanks." I nodded at him and we stood in uncomfortable silence for a moment. Shifting from one foot to another I shrugged at him, "Ok, well, bye."

"Goodbye Bella."

I nodded and shifted again before finally turning to leave. I wasn't sure what else it was I wanted to say to him but it felt unfinished some how. I sighed and shrugged off the feeling, getting back in my truck and continuing on to Billy's house. He and Jacob both wished me well and Billy gave me a knowing look and said it was for the best.

By the time I got back home I was exhausted and though I had not eaten again that day I trudged up to my room, curled up on my bed and slept.

I didn't remember the flight or my first impressions of Jacksonville or the house. Days passed blurring together and became weeks. I had started at a new school but kept to myself. At home I studied hard and went with my mother to Phil's games. She got me a beautiful leather bound book with blank pages and I used it as a journal slash sketchbook taking it everywhere with me. Christmas and New Years passed with little to note them, not that Phil and Renee didn't try with the little tree and some Champaign, which I wasn't sure I liked. The weather went from cool to warm to hot and like she'd predicted, the edges on that painfully jagged hole inside of me began to dull. The hole didn't get smaller and I felt like I had to physically hold myself together at times but in time maybe it would be better, not healed but more bearable. I'd just have to trust her on this one.

Charlie flew out for graduation and both my parents had tears in their eyes when I walked over to them holding my diploma having graduated with honors, the second highest marks in the large school. We took photos and went for a celebration dinner. The three of them seemed excited and nervous and happy and I couldn't help but be suspicious.

"I sold your truck." Charlie began.

I frowned at him, "My truck? Why?"

"You weren't using it and well…" He shifted and looked at my mom.

"The three of us thought that you needed, that you deserved something special, something just for you." Renee helped him out.

"What?"

Renee grinned at me and nudged Phil, "Happy graduation Bella." He smiled and pulled an envelope from his coat pocket.

Still frowning I looked from one to the other of them and then opened the envelope. I gasped and looked back up at them.

"You start in London." Renee laughed.

"You'll be there about a week and then the real trip starts."

"Real trip?" I frowned at Phil overwhelmed at the ticket to London in my hand.

"You go all over, nine countries and three months. That's the rough plan anyways. We've rented you a car so you can drive all over and spend more or less time in the places you want."

"Nine… three…" I gasped looking down at my hand again and back to them. "It's to much."

"I might have been bad about paying the bills on time baby but we always had the money to pay them and its not just from the three of us, its from your grandparents as well."

"What?"

"Both your mothers and my parents left you money Bella. You were their only grandchild and it's been in savings accounts growing for you. Some was taken out to go into a college fund but your mother and I set aside what was left to us separately for you as well. We didn't want the divorce to get messy so we split what we had and I sent child support for you but the money from our families we agreed to just keep for your future. "

"We talked about giving it to your college fund but agreed that you had enough in there that this was just as important."

"Three months? In Europe?"

"Just promise us you'll be very careful." Charlie turned serious. "You watched that Taken movie? Those kinds of things happen Bella and there are thieves and muggers and any sort of person looking to take advantage of a young girl travelling alone."

"I'll be careful. I promise." I nodded, still in a state of shock.

"Good then." Phil beamed, "To Bella's graduation and European summer." We all clicked glasses though the rest of the meal was a blur.

Charlie left the next day with more warnings and admonitions to be careful. I hugged him extra tight. "I love you dad." I whispered to him.

"Love you to kid." He squeezed back, blushing when he stepped away.

The scene repeated with my mother only five days later as she and Phil saw me off. This time instead of warnings to be careful I got tips on where to shop and things to send back and made promises to call and before she let me go she whispered into my ear. "Don't be afraid to fall in love again baby. With a place or a person or anything. Fall in love baby and live. It's the only thing that will help."

I nodded biting back tears as I hugged her, "I love you so much mom."

"I love you to baby. More than anything. Be happy and if you find where you're meant to be or what or who you just seize that and remember, me and your dad will always be here for you and always love you."

I hugged her tighter a moment and when I let go there were tears in both our eyes. We laughed and quickly hugged again before I turned through security.