What Should Have Been

By: Blood-in-the-Stars

They all questioned me why. Even if I spoke the truth they would never understand. I wish I could fake emotion and will it to come true. I wish I could control what my heart says. Some of the greatest muggle scientists say 'love' is just in existence to reproduce the human species. It is a false emotion.

This is a lie. Logic can be easily won over by the heart. 'The heart is pure' so many authors say. I hate the heart, no I hate my heart. How dare it be so cruel and devious? It is a sadistic organ which I wish I could disassociate myself with. You believe I'm perfect: nice, smart, and full of smiles. After breaking a father, kind, honest, funny, boy's heart you would believe different. Why would I do such a horrid thing? I wish I could point to the beating object that I have no choice to own. But what kind of excuse is that? I t was not long ago that I would agree with you about that being a pathetic excuse. Now all I can do is disagree with every burning fiber in my poorly shaped body.

I'm not in love with every person I pass by. I love my family and friends, but just love them. I love him to all ends of all worlds that exist and those that are not visible to me. I love him so much I would surely die any death to see that he would live. I would do anything for him if he desperately needed it. It only takes one look of the eyes the sky would envy for me to be left speechless and enamored. I have never felt more helpless than when I looked into those depths.

Everything I would do for him, he would do the same for me. Anything I needed, he ensured that I would get it. If I needed my books carried, I could count on him. If I was stressed, he was the reliever. If I was tired I could learn on him for rest. I was always right, we agreed on that. He loved to make me laugh and on occasion I would make him roar with laughter as well. Tears gather under my chocolate orbs, and then increase when I realize their presence. I've been looking in the mirror and I'm cursing myself for remembering everything I should remember.

He was perfect.

We were perfect.

I was not.

And I was not in love.

All those times he made me cry because of his immaturity. All those times he was a child and I was the adult. I supported him when he had none. I lectured him when he did not listen anyways. I sprinted, not ran, to his aide when he needed me. I was his mother so much more than I was his girlfriend. And the whole time I was begging myself to hide that our differences: acceptable by friendship, not by anything else. I could not live without my best friend, whom I bared my secrets, desires, and heart with. I do not want him as an enemy, a stranger, a lover, a husband, or significant other. I NEED him as my best friend.

He believes he broke my heart by one of his immature acts. Oh Gods, it was never that. We were simply never meant to be. It may take time, but one day he will see…

When he's sitting around the fire with his children and wife,

When he's working at his job,

When he grows old and gray,

He will see.

I am merely a section, a series of events, in his lifetime. After he sees that he will look me in the eyes and nod his head sadly, knowing that I saw what he couldn't at the time. That is when he will accept the sullen truth. We came into each others life when we needed each other the most: To feel like we were not alone. And now that job is said and done my only regret…

that I am not God and can change emotions.

He was perfect.

We were perfect.

I was not.

And I was not in love.

And as I lay here sobbing and shaking for all the damage I have done, my heart begs me to understand.

"I would not have done this to you if it was not for the best," it says, beating swiftly through my chest, "I always tell the truth, I swear it's for the very best. I will heal and you will be happy once again."

How dare I pity myself so much? I allow my heart to voice itself to me when I know it's so much worse for the other side of us.

You cried, and you begged.

"Just one last chance please! I know you love me and you know I love you! Let me prove myself to you! Just don't let us go!"

We were what should have been.

And to the depths of my heart and soul I could not make myself sorrier.

I love you Ronald Weasley.

And I am sorry.

One day you will see.

And we'll be happy again.

I want everyone to know, that this came from my heart. My boyfriend and I broke up and this is my point of view. When I wrote this down I realized what couple it reminded me of.

If I brought down any happy spirits I apologize.

Blood in the Stars