I was going insane. Okay really, I understand that. There was not a part of me that needed my mum to remind me every 5 seconds or so. So there I was, heading to the psychiatrist department.
And sure as hell, I was not looking forward to it not one bit.
Anyway, I was sitting in the sitting room, naturally, waiting to be accepted for my appointment. My foot was impatiently tapping the ground, but not for too long.
"Ms Satan, would you please come in?" I heard the accented voice of the psychiatrist call me.
Shit.
I really don't want to be here.
Naturally, I walked in anyway. It was a fancy place, and the psychiatrist looked like a fancy man. He was in a fancy suit and everything, I was impressed.
Though one thing bothered me greatly.
Where were his eyebrows?
"How are you feeling today?" He asked, suave as hell, still in that accent. If I had no manners I would say it really pissed me off. Anyway, I replied to him.
"Dope." Was my answer.
I think he must be really patient, because he didn't look too annoyed by my answer. He gestured for me to sit in a chair, so I sat down, stretching my legs in front of me, my arms to the side, sitting like a true man that I was not. The psychiatrist sat opposite me, in a much more elegant position. I admired that.
"It's nice to meet you Ms Satan, I'm Dr Lecter." Dr Lecter stretched out his hand to shake with mine, but I gave him a high-five.
"What's up Lecter? Mind if I call you that? Call me Lee, or Jay, or whatever. I don't feel comfortable with formalities, and my so-called last name is kinda… well… y'know…" I'm sure he caught on by then.
"Right, Lee. I guess that you should have the right to call me by my first name, Hannibal-"
I snorted.
"Hannibal? What the fuck mate, who names their child Hannibal?" I laughed shortly then lifted up my hand. "Right, no offence Han. Do carry on."
He cleared his throat, "Now, I'm just going to ask you some questions and I want you to answer honestly, there's nothing to hide from me."
I shook my head. "Uh, no, Hanni. Dontcha think you're getting a bit forward here? Could I like, have a drink of water or something? I'm kinda thirsty, plus that I'll have time to make up some really dramatic and moving life story to tell you."
Hannibal sighed, and got up, probably happy to have left the conversation. I looked around the place. It was boring as hell, fancy, but fucking boring. I guess it suits a boring man like Han. Hopefully I won't have to get used to this. Honestly I doubt Dr Lecter would want me visiting him often.
Oh, he's coming back with my water, splendid.
He hands me the paper cup.
"Cheers." I mutter, taking a sip as he sat back down, "Right, where were we?"
He coughed and put his hands on his knees, "I was going to ask you some questions."
Oh right, this is going to be a long day.
So the next day, I kinda ditched work and decided I won't go to my psychiatrist appointment, so I just went to that shit Café called 'Bitchcraft'. It was a really shit café but my friend Molly worked there. She worked with her husband Misha Collins. What a weird name, Misha, do all men have weird names nowadays?
Anyway, I walked up to the counter when I heard a familiar voice call me.
"Good morning Lee."
Well fuck me.
I turned around to greet Hannibal.
"Uh, Hi." I said bluntly, turning away back to the counter, waiting to be served.
"Are you looking forward to our appointment later today?" He asked, it was in a mocking tone, he knew very well I disliked yesterday.
"Uh, yeah, about that. I kinda can't come, I have a… umm… testicular cancer support group. Yeah. That. Sorry Han." I quickly said as I seriously considered storming out of the café.
"Well, that's a shame. Have fun at your support group then." Hannibal replied, his voice still held an element of mockery. He took a final sip of his coffee and left, not bothering to pay.
"What the fuck are you doing here Lee? You were meant to go to work." I turned to my friend Molly who was already throwing a strop.
"For fucks sake Moe, I came for my tea and pie, quick, now, I'm hungry." I said, waving lazily to Misha as I went to go find a seat.
Later that day, as I had nothing to do, I thought to myself that I might as well just go to that testicular cancer support group. So I took one of the stickers, put my name on it, put the sticker on my jacket and went to sit in one of the chairs. I sat next to a guy with shaggy hair who wore clothes similar to my granddad.
"We have two new members in support group today, would you please give a warm welcome to-" The man leading the meeting glanced at our stickers, "Lee and Will!" He said as he pointed to me and that guy with shaggy hair. Will cleared his throat.
"I would just like to say, that I personally don't have ball cancer. I'm here on behalf of my dog, Winston." He explained, looking uncomfortable.
The members then turned to me.
"Uh…. Well, I'm ball-less." I said.
Half the people broke down in tears and wished me luck with recovery, including Will. Will seemed like an ok guy, just a bit weird, I don't know, he looked kinda psychotic.
Before the end of support group, Will asked me to let him know if I find any stray dogs.
Freak.
Walking home, it was raining like hell, naturally. I was really tempted to re-enact singing in the rain but there was a hot guy on the other side of the street so I guess that wouldn't be the best idea.
I walked into my house and greeted my 2 cats; ridin and solo.
You see, my cats are special.
They don't meow.
They go "Jaaasooooon, DUUR-ROOO-LOWWW."
Anyway, I couldn't be half-arsed to feed them, they can eat the dust on my shelves for now. I went to check facebook.
HA. GAY.
I went on Tumblr, I saw some posts about some show called Hannibal. I snorted. Who would name their child Hannibal?
Woah, déjà vu. That déjà vu is so overwhelming that I have to lie down for a bit because fucking hell.
When I woke up my cats were singing "JAAASSOOOON DUR-ROO-LOWWWW".
They usually do this when someone is at the door. I stood up and went to see who was there.
"Waddup home skillit biscuit." I said happily as I opened the door. But many moments too soon, that happiness was gone.
"Good Evening Lee." That accent haunted me in my sleep. I groaned. "Please leave me alone Hannibal, I'm really not in the mood today." I lazily tried to close the door, but he held it open with his hand. Fucking dong.
"No Lee, this is necessary if you ever want to get better. I'm helping you." This guy is persistent, what a bitch. However I chose to let him in, and proceeded to the kitchen to make tea.
"Sugar? Milk?" I asked.
"Oh, blood will be fine, thanks."
I turned around, sarcasm already escaping my lips, "Yeah sorry, out of that, unless you wanna take a walk to the nearest slaughter house."
Hannibal looked visibly disappointed, but accepted just water and a tea bag. How the fuck? I can't even. I'm so done.
I brought over the tea, and sat down on my sofa, as far away from this guy as I can. Han was busy fondling my two cats. Freak.
"Your cats are very interesting, Ms Sa-"
"no."
"My apologies Lee, I did not mean to bring back sour memories."
I snorted. What even is this guy.
"Oh no, me and Lucifer are still friends, there's nothing sour except the lemon in my tea." I explained, shrugging my shoulders. What's so interesting about my cats anyway? Cats are fucking stupid.
I turn my head to look at the huge clock on my wall. I don't understand roman numerals.
"Doctor, it's nearly IX, why are you here?" I was confused as fuck.
"We're friends, are we not, Lee? I thought a sleepover would be nice."
Kill this guy now, the kitchen is not too far, I can still get a knife.
"Hold up Han, I only met you yesterday morning for fucks sake. What are you thinking? You gonna vent to me about your ex-boyfriend?" I have had enough of this for real.
He smiled. "That reminds me. You went to testicular cancer support group today, did you not?"
I nodded.
"Perhaps you met my good friend there, Will?"
I nodded again.
"Yeah Han, he's a freak like you. You guys should date."
"No."
"My apologies Han, I did not mean to bring back sour memories."
"Oh no, me and Will are still friends, there's nothing sour except the lemon in your tea." He smirked.
Why are we doing this déjà vu thing? It's so gay.
"Okay, how about I help you set up an account on a dating site?" I wanted this guy to have someone else who isn't my cats to fondle, I felt sorry for Will for having to tolerate this thing.
Anyhow, we proceeded to spend the whole night making Hannibal's perfect dating advertisement.
The next morning, Hannibal and I were taking a walk to the Bitchcraft Café. Last night was really unexpected, but it was fun… That sounds fucking dirty, forget I ever said it.
Anyway, as we walked in, I noticed some HOT DAMN guys.
I walked over, suave as hell, and whispered, "Shia LaBeouf."
The guy with short hair and beautiful princess green eyes gave me a confused look, the one sitting opposite him was focused on his laptop, frowning at it as his lengthy hair brushed his brows. I looked between them a few times until realisation hit me. "Oh… gay…" I turned around and spotted Hannibal in his usual seat two tables away. I walked over and sat opposite him, occasionally glancing at the two men, I noticed Hannibal doing the same.
"They're taken." I whispered leaning towards him. He sent me a confused look asking "By who?"
I thought it was goddam obvious, I slammed the palms of my hands on the table before speaking louder, "By each other!"
He nodded slowly, as if the gears in his head were finally moving. "So?"
I groaned, "So! Don't look at them like that!"
Hannibal looked at me then laughed, I was getting really annoyed now. After his laughter calmed down he spoke once again. "I was looking at the laptop screen; I thought I saw some good meat recipes." He sighed and gave me a funny look, a hint of that smile of his was still there lingering on his lips. "Are you jealous?"
I wanted to cry in frustration, forget I said anything about yesterday; I hate this guy and his guts. "NO! I am not! I'd like my significant other to have some eyebrows and not have dark inside jokes that I know nothing about!" My arms were flailing about, I was not in the mood for any of his shit. "Anyway, did you get any notifications from the dating app? I'd like to get rid of you as soon as possible."
Hannibal checked his phone as Molly came to take our orders.
"I hate asking but it's my job. What do you guys want?" Molly asked, obviously annoyed, maybe I was making a scene here but I don't particularly care.
"The usual." Hannibal smiled, naturally he was a more regular customer than I was.
"Pie." Was my answer.
I heard a gasp two tables away.
I turned to look at the two gays.
"They have pie here?" Princess eyes asked.
I nodded and shrugged my shoulders. "Well, I always managed to get pie."
He smiled, slapping his partner on the arm, "SAM! THEY HAVE PIE HERE!"
Sam groaned and hushed princess eyes, "Dean, shut up, you're causing a scene!"
Sam and Dean, huh? Fantastic. Now when can I-
I felt a fancy shoe lightly kick my calf. "They're taken." Hannibal mocked my previous words in a whisper.
"Oh fuck off, was my reply as Molly handed me my slice of pie.
After I finished with my pie and Hannibal was busy reading the paper, I decided to approach Sam and Dean. I took a seat from a nearby table and dragged it over to theirs. I sat down.
"Hi boys." I said, giving the least-serial killer smile that I had.
"Hey!" They said in unison, Sam much less enthusiastic as he was still glued to his laptop.
"What are you doing here? I mean, I understand this is the most gay-friendly town, but I mean… here on a honeymoon or something?" I asked, trying to start a conversation.
Sam gave me a sarcastic smile. "Brothers."
Oh, I should have guessed.
"Right, sorry. What are you guys doing here?"
Dean shrugged his shoulders, "Hunting." He said simply, as if it were the most obvious thing ever.
"If you're hunting, then you came to the right café. As you know, it's called Bitchcraft."
"We figured." Wow, Sam isn't the friendliest bud in town.
"Right, just look out for Lucifer, okay boys? He'll like you-"
Molly grabbed me by the jacket and pulled me up. "Stop scaring my customers!" She dragged me over to the door, grabbing Hannibal on the way, and kicked us both out.
I sighed and looked around.
Time to get to my new job.