Dislaimer: All rights to characters belong to Kishimoto. No infringement is either intended or implied and no money is being made.
Summary: Naruto writes a letter to Sasuke just after he leaves. Let the crack ensue! 8D
Note: could be rated M depending on how much of the innuendo you understand...
Missing Sasuke
Sasuke-teme,
I would just like to take this time to remind you that you are A BASTARD OF EPIC PROPORTIONS! Ya wanna know why? I'll list the reasons, so clean the emo out of your ears and listen up!!
You left! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE!? We had just become chuunin! You know! Chunnin! One step above lowly, dirt licking gennins and one step below severely deranged and unstable junnins! THE PLACE WHERE WE HAVE WANTED TO BE SINCE WE STEPPED OUT OF IRUKA'S CLASS AND INTO OUR FIRST CAT-CATCHING MISSION! (I hate that sick, twisted lady. I will always feel sympathy towards her cat, no matter how much goes into our paychecks by catching the damn thing every other Tuesday.) Seriously, how could you leave just when we were about to take a step up the frickin social latter through the quick and easy "break their fingers" method! NO SWEAT! I mean, even Shikamaru is a chunnin and it takes at least an s-class emergency and a fork lift to move that guy! RIDICULOUS!
YOU LOOK LIKE A FRIGGIN EMO GIRL!! EEEEEEEEMMMMMOOOOOOO!!111one seriously! What's with the duck butt hair. The black, glossy… hair. It's black, nuff said. And then the pale, girly complexion that I bet you spend all your inheritance maintaining. Spend hours preening and lathering smelly girly creams into your skin, don'cha? Don'cha, don'cha, don'cha? Then you had to start wearing the flowy, PURPLE pants. Sasuke, my friend, nothing screams gay like purple. Except maybe rainbow… which I bet you would wear, except what sensible ninja wears rainbow? Seriously, it's too bright. So now not only do you have girly skin and emo hair, but you also look like a freakin gay, socially inept pansy at his first slumber party with the girls. Really, Sasuke, the purple's got to go. And the ass bow as well, now that I'm thinkin' about it.
You left with a pedophile old man with a giant snake protruding from his fake teenage lips. I really don't need to expand on this one, but I will because you seem to be blinded by emo notions of revenge that are completely unhealthy and will likely give you indigestion one of these days. So, Orochimaru. He uses the bodies of young, cute pansies such as yourself in order to make himself look young again. AND HE'LL DO IT TO YOU WHEN HE GETS TIRED OF YOU!! I can just imagine it!
"Sasssuke-kuuuun. I want your body!" -looms-
"B-but Orochimaru! Give me more time!" -cringes-
"No! I want you now! Your beautiful, soft skin! I want to feel it on me!" -looms more-
"Stop stroking me!" -removes arm from Orochimaru's grasp-
"Don't worry, Sasuke-kun. It won't hurt much" -resumes petting-
"Liar!" -tries to escape-
"Oh I assure you Sasuke-Kun, I will enter you very gently" -re-grabs-
"No! Stop it! Naruto, help!" gets body taken over
It will be exactly like that! AND I'LL COME TO RESCUE YOU AND MAKE SURE I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANY ENTERING AROUND HERE!! (Breaking and 'entering' into Orochimaru's layer to rescue you! HA! Bow to my superior humor!)
You tried to kill me!! SEVERAL TIMES IN FACT!! Do you know how much almost dying pisses me off? A LOT, that's how much! I mean, you take your sweet time to monologue my ears off, then you decide to flashback for about eight million years , and only then do you decide to actually get on with it and stick a kunai in my chest. I don't understand you Sasuke, why do you spend so much time denying your feelings! You're so transparent! Even I can see through your emotionless mask that tries to hide all you feel! But I know the truth: you are just a lonely little girl who does, in fact, want friends! It's so obvious! It all became clear to me that day when you said that you wanted us to be something more! (though why you hit me when I said we could be friends, I'll never understand)
YOUR REPLACEMENT KEEPS GOING ON ABOUT MY…err… private areas. He's a creep. ;; Keeps saying shit like "looks like you haven't penetrated Uchiha far enough to entice him home, yet". I think he's talking about how I haven't been able to talk you into coming home because I don't hit enough emotional points. I'M CONFUSED!! SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE, TEME!!
So that's it! SOME OF THE WAYS YOU MAKE MY LIFE SUUUUUCK!! O And that's not the worst of it!! Because now I will find you whether you like it or not! I will drag you back with your girly feet kicking if necessary! I WILL NEVER GIVE UP!! (For that's my ninja way, bitches!) I will find you!!
… cuz I miss you bastard, come back.
-Uzumaki Naruto
Future Hokage of Konohagakure
Sasuke's official best friend