Mai: I'm not exactly sure where this came from. Usually my work isn't like this at all. Sorry this isn't a lemon. I just can't seem to write those but I might be getting there. Anyway this just popped in my head while I was reading another fic. At first it wasn't going to end like this but as I was writing it just sort of came out this way. I'm usually a big fan of the happy romantic endings. When I first posted this fic I stopped in the middle. Then a few hours later I realized that while I couldn't go all out happy ending there was another way to end this that I thought gave me a better sense of satisfaction and kept the essential soul of this one-shot. So enjoy and thanks for reading!
Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto Kakashi would have a permanent love interest and Naruto and Hinata would be together. I wouldn't over run it with romantic subplot but I'd certainly step it up a bit. Oh and Sasuke would have the sense beaten back into him by the ghost of his brother. Alas this cannot be for I do not own Naruto and therefore have no right to make plot decisions.
She sighed as she pushed herself off the bed. It was time to play that game again. The game that ensured that they weren't anything serious.
The rules of their relationship were simple: it wasn't one. That meant that they couldn't sleep over at each other's apartments after they had sex. One of them would have to get up. As soon as that happened the person whose apartment they were in had to casually suggest that the other person leave. Today it was his turn to do so.
Either one of them saying they wanted to stay was taboo. It would destroy them because getting emotionally involved wasn't part of the game. Of course there were ways to be sneaky and stay an extra hour or two without breaking the rules. Expressing the desire to take a shower was ok. It was also perfectly acceptable to have sex again in or after the shower. As long as it was just that: more sex.
Today she didn't feel like maneuvering some more time for herself. She was growing tired of their game. Sure it had been exciting at first and the sex was still mind blowing but she wanted something real. She wasn't sure if she should wait to see if he'd give it to her or not. She also wasn't sure she wanted it from anyone else.
After she finished finding and putting on her clothes he walked her to the door a move which had only become ok. Of course that had taken four months. At this rate she'd be married to him exactly five seconds before she died.
She debated over whether or not she should try inviting him to grab some food with her. It was true that they were friends outside of the bedroom (or wherever else they decided to do it) but such a move would certainly put them on thin ice. She decided against it and hated herself for her inner cowardliness.
She lingered for a moment outside of his doorway continuing their perfectly casual conversation. He looked so good standing there in his sweatpants with no shirt on. The mask kind of ruined it though. He still hadn't taken it off for her. Letting her see his face was too serious for him.
"So do you think you could help me out?" he asked running his hand through his messy silver hair.
"Hmm?" she hadn't been paying attention for the last few seconds. She had been too busy thinking about her, for lack of a better term, sex buddy.
"I asked if you'd help me with training my team. I want to give them a harder teamwork drill. They seem to be doing fine in general but they still waste way too much time with their petty squabbles. What do you say?"
She hesitated. She was unsure whether or not she wanted to spend any more time with him considering how conflicted she was about them. "Um, I don't know. I'm kind of busy with everything at the hospital."
"Come on," he mock begged. "I'll treat you to lunch if you help me." This was perfectly legal because it was in exchange for helping him with his students. That was outside their thing. An offer between friends that didn't indicate at all that they could have a deeper relationship.
The combined temptations of spending more time with him and a free meal were too much for her. "Alright," she told him. "But I get to pick the place."
"Deal. Thanks for agreeing to help me. See you tomorrow morning at 9. Night." And just like that the door closed. Once again he shut her out.
It's just the way things are, she thought depressed.
At four in the afternoon the next day his tired mud covered students left the training field twitching and muttering to themselves about psycho jonins and their torture methods.
She laughed. "They almost make me want my own team," she said.
"Trust me you don't want that. They're fun to mess with once and a while but being stuck with them full time is challenging," he told her.
"And you don't think I'm up for a challenge?" she asked teasingly. He smiled under his mask. She knew what that glimmer in his eye meant so she wasn't surprised when she found herself shoved up against the tree.
"Oh I know you're up for anything," he whispered in her ear. He pulled the bottom of his mask up just enough so that his lips were exposed but his facial features were still hidden. He pressed his lips against the bottom of her neck and slowly worked his way up to just behind her ear.
She moaned and tangled her hands up in his spiky sliver hair. He slipped his hand up her shirt and undid her bra clasp. As he started to fondle her breasts she lost herself in the moment and made a huge mistake.
Her hands traveled down his face and brushed his mask. She could feel him tense up as he took her hand and placed it in a less dangerous spot on his shoulder. That's when their little world crashed for her.
The little bit of frustration and dissatisfaction she had held deep inside her burst through her emotional dam. He was never going to show her his face. He was never going to treat her as anything more than a casual sex partner. He could never truly care for her because he was a completely incapable of letting anyone truly be a part of his world. He was hopeless and she was wasting her time.
"Stop," she said forcefully pushing him off of her.
He looked at her confused. "Something wrong?" he asked.
"Yes. I can't do this anymore. I've been fooling myself for too long. You're never going to get more comfortable with me being a part of your life."
"What are you saying?" he asked hoping that he could get back to the nice safe rules that they had previously lived by.
"I need more than just sex. If you're willing to give that to me say so now before I walk away. I'm not going to play this little game anymore," she said somehow managing to keep a firm tone of voice.
He remained silent. He couldn't handle her breaking the rules like this.
"I thought so," she murmured. Then she turned and walked away auburn hair waving behind her in the breeze. She hoped she could keep the tears bottle up in her blue eyes until she was well away from him.
It's for the best, she told herself. You'll only cause me more heartache if I try to stay with you. Goodbye.
After she was gone he stood there by himself. He wondered when he had become so cold. He had never been a particularly caring person but he remembered a time when he wouldn't have been able to lead a girl on like that for months.
"I'm sorry, Yuka," he whispered even though he knew it wouldn't do any good. She had made her decision. He hated that he wasn't a good enough man for her.
After that day the two did their best to avoid each other for a couple years. For the most part it worked. Occasionally there were situations where their careers or friends brought them together but they found ways not to talk to each other.
Yuka met a young jonin when he was admitted to the hospital after a mission. At first she consistently told him that she didn't date her patients every time he asked. After he was discharged from the hospital she thought she'd seen the last of him.
However two days later she got a card saying, "I'm not your patient anymore. What's your excuse now?" After that falling for him was all too easy. He was smart and funny and best of all emotionally available everything Kakashi hadn't been.
As for Kakashi he knew better than to try to convince her he could change so he decided to try to convince himself. He started talking to people more often his students, fellow jonin, even Gai occasionally. It took him a while to be able to truly discuss his feelings with any of them but he found that once he opened up he started feeling better. He never did feel comfortable enough to show anyone his face though.
After four years of avoiding each other the day finally came when the two ran into each other and had no choice but to make small talk.
"I'm married now," she said holding her left hand up so he could see the ring. "The ceremony was last month."
"Congratulations," he said giving her what he hoped was a genuine smile. He forgot however that she really couldn't read his facial expressions through the mask. "I wanted to thank you."
"For what?" she asked surprised.
"For showing me how out of touch I really was with the world. What I did to you it was horrible. I led you on and I didn't respect you. I wasn't what you deserved and I'm sorry I hurt you. After you left I decided I didn't want to do that anymore. I can't say whether or not I'm a better person now but I'd like to think I'm trying. So thank you for forcing me to try," he told her.
"You're welcome," she responded still trying to process what he had just said to her.
She wasn't sure whether or not to believe his words. He wasn't sure he wanted to see her reaction to his little speech. So for another few years the two avoided one another.
Yuka's husband died in battle. The moment she got the news she felt her heart shatter into a million pieces. The first six months after his death she only left the house for his funeral, grave visits, and food. Even when she was outside she didn't talk to anyone more than she had to. She just couldn't cope with such a huge loss.
One day someone rang her doorbell. She didn't know why but for some reason she felt compelled to answer it. When she opened the door there stood Kakashi.
"Yuka, don't do this to yourself," he told her. "You're better than that. Don't be like me. Don't shut everyone out. Please."
She hugged him tightly tears spilling down her face and into his shirt. He ran his fingers through her hair and whispered words of comfort to her. He knew she needed time to heal her wounds and he could only do so much to help.
He'd never loved anyone like she had loved her husband so he knew better than to try to relate it to his own losses. She just needed someone to listen to her. Through opening up and connecting with people he'd learned how to become what she needed right now.
He didn't know what would happen after she got through the long process of getting over her grief. He only hoped that she would make room for him even after what he'd done.
So he pulled down his mask so she could look at him while he talked to her. For the first time in a while she smiled. "There's hope for you yet," she told him.