AN: Hello People. Thank you for waiting so long for my next toilet paper fanfic. I am writing a few other stories right now, so this is just to fill your tummy with my love. It was written in ten minuets, so if it sucks, I have that defence to deflect from my own ineptitude. And thank you to Gloobery Gloobery Gumdrops and Violet Waller.

Disclaimer: I have no ownership.

Severus Snape FanFic Parody

"I hate mornings." Said Severus as he flung himself out of his silver and green XXXL king sized bed with an ape-like grunt. He hadn't slept in 16 years and it was beginning to show. His long lank hair cascaded down his shoulders as the wind blew in threw the door. Turns out, he was so busy being tortured last night, that he didn't think about closing the door. Needless to say, he felt it was irrelevant to speak to the Headmaster regarding the Order.

"Ah, my child, cootchy cootchy coo." Said Albus as he twinkled his eye, blinding all those within a 50 mile radius.

"Good morning Albus. You may have realized that as of last night, even though I had yet to see you, I developed a closer bond with you, enabling me to trump my emotional problems so that I may call you 'Albus'." Said Severus as he attempted to cover up a morning boner that he had gotten from a dream about that bushy haired beaver Hermione Granger.

"I see that you are well. I want you to baby sit Harry, and possibly give birth to him, because I know that Voldemort will never think about looking at his own servants for traitorous propensities. He will need to be trained in your privet quarters. I will leave a copious amount of alcoholic beverages in case you get thirsty, as well as some lubricant in case your finger gets stuck in a bottle."

"Damn it Albus, Why must you pressure the boy? Hasn't he got enough on his plate?"

"Why Sevvy-poo, I would have thought that you cared for the boy if I were not so oblivious to all that is in front of me. Lemon Drop?"

"No I do not want your fucking Lemon Drop, you silly old boot! How could you be so blind? Me and Harry love each other!" He exclaimed as he twilled around in his thong and leather ball straps.

"Well, I saw this coming. It was why I paired you together all along. I knew you loved each other seeeeee? I knew that you would have lots of dirty, underage, illegal, S&M sex and I am the mastermind behind it all."

"Well, I'll be damned you old matchmaker. Now I have to leave Harry so that I might go to Voldemort and be exposed for a traitor and tortured until I'm an inch death. You see, Death Eaters will not kill me, they will wish to humiliate me, even though the very fact that I am alive and have the Dark Mark with compromise their safety, they like to rape me in the bum."

"As you did with me, you sly Slytherin." Said Harry as he saddled in through the door in a Catholic school girl outfit.

"Yes, my submissive Gryffindor. All that raping of children, gave me the sexual prowess that is needed in the bedroom."

"Wow, so that's how you do it. I thought it odd that all the Death Eaters mistrusted you, and everyone else hates you, yet you still are a sex god."

Severus and Harry begin to have rough sex in front of Albus, who watches with delight at his work.

"All was well."