AN: Just a story that's been running around in my head. ANGST – You have been warned! GSR, established relationship. As usual, I own nothing… R&R
Together
"Hey, I've got the DNA results from the Harrington case." Catherine announced, coming into Grissom's office. She frowned when she noticed that he was just sitting there, staring out into the empty hallway. "You OK?"
"Huh?" He looked up at her. "Oh, I didn't hear you come in."
"Maybe you should take a couple of days off, too." Catherine suggested, sitting down in the visitor's chair.
"No, no, I'm fine." Grissom insisted. "Working is my way of dealing, you know that."
"This isn't something you're gonna get over by pushing papers around, you know." Catherine tried to sound as supporting as possible.
"Just… please, let me do this the way I need to, OK?" Grissom snapped.
"Fine, if you say so." Catherine raised her hands in the air in a surrendering motion. "How's Sara?"
"I honestly don't know." Grissom said. "She won't talk about it, and when I try to bring up the subject she disappears somewhere inside herself and I can't reach her."
"It's only been a couple of days, she probably just needs time to come to terms with what happened." Catherine reasoned.
"Maybe." Grissom agreed. "I've tried telling her that it was for the best, that it was just nature's way of dealing with…"
"You did what?" Catherine interrupted. "You actually told her that?"
"It's the truth, you know that." Grissom stated.
"Of course I know that, and Sara does too. Don't you think they explained everything at the hospital? God, I knew you could be insensitive from time to time, but plain stupid?" Catherine sighed. He really could be clueless. "Loosing a child is not something you brush off using scientific terms and processes. You don't have to explain why it happened, you just have to experience it with her, the pain and the grief. You both need that, to be able to move on."
"I can't. I have to be strong for her." His voice was steady, but Catherine could tell that she was breaking down whatever walls he had put up around himself.
"No you don't." Catherine reached over the desk and covered one of his hands with her own. "Listen to me. Sara doesn't need you to be strong, she doesn't need you to be there for her. She just needs you with her."
"I don't… I'm not sure I know how." Grissom said in a low voice.
"Have you cried?" Catherine asked, frowning. She already knew the answer.
"Not since I was five years old." He replied.
"Maybe it's about time to start then." Catherine suggested.
"I'm afraid if I do, that I won't be able to hold back anymore, and I'll fall apart." He almost whispered, and Catherine's heart went out to her boss and friend.
"Sometimes you need to fall apart to be able to get back together." She said, and he looked up at her, tears in his eyes. "Come on, I'll drive you home."
xxxxx
Sara heard the front door open and close, and glanced at the clock on the bedside table. It was only a little after eleven at night, shift wasn't over for hours yet. What was he doing home?
Turning over so she was facing the wall, she hoped he would think she was asleep. She was still furious with him.
"The foetus wasn't viable, it wouldn't have survived outside the womb. Your body just took care of it the way it was supposed to. It's nature's way."
His words from earlier that day still hurt, like someone had twisted a knife that was deeply embedded in her heart. God, she had wanted to slap him then. Anything to make him hurt the way she did.
She wondered if he had even wanted the baby in the first place. Sure, he had seemed excited, but maybe he had just been acting. Maybe that was why he wasn't upset when the doctor told them that they hadn't been able to do anything, that she had lost the baby.
Feeling fresh tears on her cheeks once again, Sara wiped them away. She really didn't want to get into another discussion about "nature's way".
She heard him enter the bedroom quietly, and did her best to fake sleep.
"Honey?" He whispered, but she ignored him. The bed shifted as he sat down on the edge, and he reached out for her, his hand finding her upper arm in the semi darkness. She still ignored him. "I'm sorry about what I said before, I didn't mean to upset you. It was really more for me, I needed some kind of explanation for what… happened." She heard him take a deep, shaking breath and frowned. Was he crying? "I know I've been acting like a jerk these past couple of days, and I'm so, so sorry. I just… I'm not good at dealing with emotions, so I try to find a scientific explanation, because that's what I do. That's what I know - science. But I had no right to throw that in your face, to make what you were feeling seem wrong. Because, God, I feel it too. Every second I feel it, and I don't know how to make it stop."
She turned to face him, and realized that he was indeed crying. Sitting up, she pulled him to her and he wrapped his arms around her waist.
"Shh. It's OK." She whispered, running her hand over his back in what she hoped was a soothing motion.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He mumbled against her hair, and she nodded. "I was afraid that if I let the feelings out, that they would consume me and I wouldn't be able to be there for you when you needed me. I wanted to be strong for you."
"You don't have to be strong for me."
"I don't know how to deal with this, how to get through it. I wanted this, so much, you know that right?"
"I know." She assured him.
"I don't know how to deal with this." He repeated, pulling her impossibly closer.
"It's OK."
It wasn't. But it would be.
They would get through it. Together.