Caroline and the Long Journey Home

by Rebekah

For those who need an ending to the series, a continuation of season 4

Disclaimers: These characters don't belong to me, of course.

Background: To understand this story, it would be helpful to be familiar with seasons 1 and 2 but not altogether necessary. The story has 12 parts.

Authors notes: I couldn't stand the idea of no ending to the story of Richard and Caroline, so I had to finish it. I hope you enjoy it.

Any feedback welcome at Rrjb2468@aol.com

***********

Sometimes you have to search the past to discover your future....


Caroline and the Long Journey Home
by Rebekah Rogers

Prologue

Caroline clutched the bouquet of flowers with a surprised look and walked over to the banister railing. Richard was standing there, watching. She hadn't seen him for so long...She smiled up at him, her eyes lighting up with happiness and something else...confusion. She was unaware of anyone else in the room.



Part 1 of 12

"Richard?"

"Caroline...Caroline...How are you feeling now? Are you still nauseous?"

Richard sounded just like Annie. Caroline wanted to giggle from the irony of it. "Don't know..." She mumbled. Now he was slapping her cheeks. "Ow, Richard, don't do that. It hurts."

"Jeez, I've heard that name enough in the last two days, Caroline. Try again, who am I?"

Caroline looked again at Richard. No, it was Annie. No, Richard. She squeezed her eyes shut, dizzy with the sliding images. This was so crazy. She felt more slaps on her cheeks.

"Open your eyes, Caroline. You're really scaring me here."

Caroline opened them slowly, afraid of what she might see next. A fuzzy Annie was peering down at her.

"Annie?"

"Very good. Now, where are you?"

Caroline darted her eyes around, confused. They were in a small room with a dresser, television set and gaudy paisley printed drapes hanging over the window. She was lying on a bed with a matching spread. At first glance, she would have said they were in a tacky hotel room which made no sense at all. Where was the church, her parents and the guests?

"Annie, why are we in a hotel room?"

"Thank god! I thought you'd never come back. I was afraid there for awhile I might have to take you to a hospital."

"Hospital?..." Caroline repeated after her. She felt as though her brain was somehow disconnected. Maybe she was crazy. If she would just shut her eyes, it might all make sense somehow. She screwed her eyes tightly shut. She remembered a wedding. It was hers, wasn't it? She was going to marry Randy, which was odd since she hadn't seen him in 15 years. The last thing she remembered was being suddenly, indescribably happy. Now why was that? If only she could remember.

"Keep your eyes open, you can do it." Caroline slowly reopened her eyes. "Please tell me you're alright now."

"But I'm getting married, Annie."

Annie started laughing. "Married? Yeah, sure you are. You were just dreaming. Caroline, you and I have been stuck in this room since we got to Los Angeles about a day and a half ago. You started acting really strange so I told the taxi driver to take us to the closest hotel and he picks this dump." she snorted disgustedly looking around her.

Caroline wrinkled her brow, completely confused. She distinctly remembered the beautiful church with the long aisle, her wedding dress, Del, Charlie and Richard. Oh god, that was it. The very last thing she remembered. Something to do with Richard. And flowers. Finding him again. Something in her memories stirred but it stayed just out of reach.

"Where's Richard? I have to talk to him."

"Honey, he's not here. It's just you and me."

"What happened to me?" Caroline groaned.

Annie was perched on the side of the bed, staring down at her, hesitating. "Hon, promise me you won't freak out on me, okay? You've been a little, well, let's just call it sick." Caroline stared at her, silently. "Well, maybe not as much sick as drugged."

"Drugged?" Caroline repeated, stupidly.

"Well, you were sort of hallucinating. You remember the papers you found in the pocket of that jacket Richard gave you? I guess that makes this fiasco all *his* fault. Boy, am I going to give him hell when we get back. Soooo...I'm sure you're fine now so if we hurry, we can just catch the last flight out today for New York." She dove into the closet and carried out two suitcases. "We really, really have to hurry, Caroline. Sorry to rush you but I don't want to spend another night in this dive, okay?"

Caroline sat up in the bed, pressing on her temples, trying to hold back the headache that was imminent. Everything she had dreamt had seemed so real. She looked around the room, trying to reconcile the fantasy world of New York, love, and weddings with the reality of Annie rushing around and packing their luggage in a Los Angeles hotel. None of it had happened? Not Julia, not Randy, not Spain or Italy, not Richard?? Crazy, like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. She closed her eyes again.

"You know, you really had me worried there for awhile." Annie said as she heaved a hairdryer into her bag. "You had a pretty bad reaction to the drugs. Most people don't stay under so long." Caroline looked up at her. "Well, at least, that's what I've heard." She added hastily. Annie was grabbing more clothes off the other bed and the floor and throwing them haphazardly into their bags. Caroline looked around and noticed for the first time that the room was littered with dirty clothes and the remnants of room service.

"Anyway, you just had to ride through it, that's all. It was sort of like you were sleepwalking and talking in your sleep. But, never fear, I watched you the whole time and it was just fine." Annie patted her arm then guiltily looked away.

"What??"

"Well, except for the time you ran down the hall and started drawing stick figures with your lipstick on the walls." Annie started chuckling but took one look at Caroline's face. "Okay, not funny. But it wasn't really my fault the other time. I swear I only shut my eyes for five minutes and you were gone. I couldn't help it, I was so tired." Caroline was afraid to ask. She stared at Annie, stricken.

"I sort of, well..found you in the lobby, with, um, no clothes on." Caroline groaned. "Hey, no one will ever remember you. That is, if you never have your picture published nationally again." She muttered under her breath. "Besides, this is L.A. They're used to wackos in this city."

Caroline just remembered the point of visiting Los Angeles. "What about my interview with Jay Leno?" she asked. Annie was trying to zip shut the overstuffed bags and kept catching clothing in the teeth.

"Forget it. When you couldn't make it, they cancelled it. He's completely booked for the next month. I guess it wasn't meant to be." Annie muttered. She looked down at the bags in satisfaction. Everything was packed. "Ready to go?"

Caroline shut her eyes again. The room was spinning. She wondered if putting one foot on the floor would make it stop. All she wanted to do was curl up and go to sleep. Her life had fallen apart.

"Caroline..tick, tock. Sorry to rush you, but we've got to get going if we want to make that flight. I'll carry the bags."

Caroline slowly stood up and moved unsteadily across the room. She stopped and stared at her reflection in the mirror on the way out. Her red hair was plastered to her head from sweating, makeup had melted down her face and her eyes were red and swollen from crying. Just great. She trailed after Annie through the lobby, looking down at her feet and concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. She could have sworn she heard snickering from the direction of the front desk.




Part 2

They barely made the flight and that was thanks to Annie, running through the airport, towing a wobbly Caroline along behind her. With their bags stowed above them, Annie glanced over at Caroline, staring quietly out the window of the plane. "Hey,howya feeling now?"

"Better, I guess. Just tired."

"Do you remember much of the last two days?"

"Uh huh. I just had these really insane dreams. About you and Del and Richard and.." She started to frown. "about Randy, an old boyfriend."

"Oh yeah? Well, remember that cabbie in L.A. did say that the stuff brings back memories. Sometimes it makes you hallucinate about your past, really strange stuff. You should be okay now."

"And how would you know that?"

"I dated a chemist once." Annie stated matter-of-factly.

Caroline gazed off into the distance. "It was all just so weird. Like I had dropped into some alternate world. It was my life but different." She glanced over at Annie's confused face. "In this other world, I..I had a spine. I actually stood up for myself...to a cabbie, an office manager, a councilman. Everyone thought my cartoon strip was the smartest thing they had ever read. I put Del together with a daughter he never knew he had and he actually developed integrity." She laughed. "You didn't sleep around as much and actually had a long term relationship with Del..." She stopped when she heard Annie starting to choke.

"Then I had to work in an office because Del sold me out to a corporation, I...I bought my parents home in Peshtigo because I actually wanted to move back home. Richard finally sold his paintings but he moved to Italy and Del had to fire Charlie, who traveled around the world on rollerblades even though I don't think he's ever left New York..." her voice dwindled away and she put her hands over her face.

"Wow, Caroline, you're right. Weird."

Caroline wrinkled her brow in confusion. "That wasn't all. I met this perfect guy, Trevor, who really loved me but he must have been boring because all I could think about was Ri..." She stopped and glanced over at Annie's enquiring face. "The worst part of all was that Richard, good old Richard, who never does anything impulsively, ran off one night and married an old girlfriend, Julia. She was gorgeous and sexy but, Annie, she was definitely not his type." She shook her head to clear it.

"Caroline, slow down. Take a breath, okay? It wasn't real. You were just hallucinating."

"Annie, I...I thought that I was in love with Richard and I..I was responsible for ruining both relationships. Me...a home wrecker! And...I finally got married...to Randy. I'm not even sure I was in love with him but I guess I must have been."

Annie was staring at her, then looked away. "Hmmmm..."

"Hmmm?? what's 'hmmm'..? Annie???"

"Nothing." Annie was feigning innocence.

Caroline decided to ignore her. "Don't you get it, Annie? Everything in that world was the opposite of the real world. I acted a lot like you, you were like me, sometimes Del was just like Richard and Richard became Del. Like Alice in Wonderland. Up was down, black was white...everything was turned around, backwards, crazy.."

Caroline's voice rose shrilly and she started gesticulating wildly. Surrounding passengers were turning around and staring. Annie grabbed one of her arms. "Hon, calm down. It was just the drugs. You're back in Kansas now, Dorothy." She glared at the other passengers. "Maybe you just need food. You haven't had anything to eat in the last two days. You must be starving."

"Yes I am but I think I'm too tired to eat right now. One thing I do know is that I don't want Richard to know anything about this trip, okay? It'll make him him feel bad."

Annie's head swung around with eyes bulging. "Excuuuse me, but isn't that the whole point? It is his fault."

"No, it isn't, so please just leave him alone." Caroline had stated softly. "I mean it, Annie. Not one word to him. I'll just say I had the flu or food poisoning or something. I just don't want him to know about it. Promise me?"

"But.."

"No. I mean it. Promise?" Annie looked at Caroline's set face and decided that she meant business. Annie grabbed her headphones, slammed them on and proceeded to sulk the rest of the way home.

Caroline looked out the window. She was too tired to care if Annie was upset. She had too much thinking to do. All the events she could have sworn were real had all just been in her head. Hallucinations. Everything in that crazy world may have been backwards but one thing stood out, glaringly. Her feelings for Richard. Maybe, maybe, maybe..they had been real. God, could she be that jealous of Richard's old girlfriend? The thought that some day he would probably marry someone else and have a child made her ache. And what if he left and she never saw him again? The deep hurt of losing him in her dreams was still so strong that it felt real.

Caroline sat in her seat, shocked at her own feelings. Had those emotions about Richard always been there? Jeez, even in her dreams, other guys were eventually all eclipsed by Richard. It didn't matter how perfect they were, it always came back to wanting the same man. Could it be that "the one" she had been searching for had been right in front of her for the last few years? What a laughable cliche. It couldn't really be true, could it?

She just wanted to be alone with her own thoughts right now because she had finally remembered why that sensation of being reunited with Richard again in her dream was so familiar.

It had happened before.

It was last year when she was supposed to marry Del, but had backed out at the last minute. Richard had disappeared before she could tell him. She had found out later he had just up and gone to Paris, no explanation, no nothing. Months had gone by. He had never called or even written. She had just bought some flowers from a street vendor and had turned around...and there he was, standing on the sidewalk.

Thinking back, Caroline remembered clearly now the sudden overwhelming joy of seeing him, relief that he was alright and downright hurt that he had never said goodbye. All these emotions had merged into total fury which she had proceeded to take out on him with those very same flowers. The bouquet was in sad shape by the time she stopped, with Richard staring at her in utter amazement.

After that, her life had gone back to normal and she had never questioned her actions. After all, it was just Richard, right? They were just good friends, weren't they? It was strange how she had buried that event. Caroline couldn't remember anyone else ever confusing her like this. She needed to think this through for awhile or rather, over analyze it. She glanced over at Annie, the friend she could always confide in. Not this time.

Caroline leaned her forehead against the window of the plane, feeling so tired and wondering if she would ever get her life right. She gradually drifted off to sleep, dreaming of true love, towheaded babies and a certain assistant with warm brown eyes.

*******

Annie turned up the music in her headphones to take her mind off her frustration. 'Don't tell Richard', she mocked Caroline in her mind. Why the hell couldn't she, anyway? After the last two days, she couldn't have a little itty bitty bit of fun at Richard's expense? What kind of gratitude was that, anyway? The whole situation was ripe with possibilities. She could milk weeks of guilt out of it, maybe even manage to work in some blackmail. How unfair. Talk about a backwards world. She sniffed.

After spending the better part of the last two days taking care of Caroline, she was exhausted. Running after that girl around the hotel and struggling to stay awake had not been easy. Listening to Caroline babble on and on about Richard was amusing, though. It didn't take a shrink to know that Caroline was in love with the guy. She had always had a gut feeling about those two. What had been the funniest was Caroline's dancing and singing. Where was a video camera when you needed one? But the crying...that had been the worst part.

She sighed. Caroline was just no fun anymore. Too much 'Richard' influence, no doubt. Caroline would just deny that too like she denied having feelings for the guy. Not that she'd blame the girl. If she had just spent the last two days dreaming about being in love with Dr. Death, she would have to throw herself out of this plane. There was no way that Richard was her type but he seemed to fit with Caroline. Both seemed to complete something that was missing in the other. Annie looked up and down the aisle trying to find a flight attendant. She could really use a drink right now.

Annie glanced over again at her friend. The poor girl looked like she had been knocked over the head with a two by four. Hmmm, life might get pretty interesting in the coming weeks, if she knew Caroline. She was not going to get involved, though. At least, that's what she told herself. Just as she had promised Richard she would not tell Caroline about that love letter, she would stay out of this too. Course, she wasn't sure how many more secrets she could hold. She was only human, after all. She reached up and punched the attendant button overhead.


Part 3

It was getting late when their flight came in. Annie and Caroline trudged into their building, weary but glad to be home. Silently, they waved good night, each stepping into their own apartments. Caroline must not have made any noise because neither man heard her enter. She stepped just inside her front door, the area in darkness. Only the kitchen and the desk area were bathed in light. Her desk was right where it should be. Not in some cold, impersonal office. Her life was back. The very normalcy of it all made her want to weep with joy. Oh how she had taken it all for granted. She soundlessly set her bag down and leaned back against her door.

Del was busy in the kitchen concocting some huge sandwich despite the fact she had asked him many times to buy his own food. He was most likely the one responsible for half of the ingredients of her refrigerator spread out across her kitchen counter. She had caught him in the middle of some story while he was busy putting his food together.

"....yeah, so anyway I go up to this chick down at that new bagelry and put the moves on her. She is sooo hot. We're going out on Thursday. Hey, I've got an idea. Want me to see if she has a friend?"

"I guess if you're in to that sort of thing, Del. It's your business." That mumbled remark was from Richard, who was bent over the desk, concentrating on something. It was obvious that he was only half listening to Del. A lock of blond hair hung down across his forehead and he impatiently brushed it away.

Caroline didn't move from her spot at the door. She wanted to just watch this man who was so familiar to her and yet, after the last two days, a complete stranger. Had he changed or had she? Hadn't she ever noticed before how good looking he was, especially when he wasn't scowling at something?

What was wrong with her that she couldn't have seen or felt this before? She felt like laughing....it was like a plot out of her own silly cartoon strip.

"No, no, no. I meant for you, Richard. Do you want me to see if she has a friend for you?" Del had crawled up on the kitchen counter and was busy pulling out bottles from one of the upper cupboards.

"No, Del, I'm not a charity case. I don't need your help in getting a date. Del, what are you doing up there? I'm not sure Caroline would care for you to be raiding her kitchen."

"Man, Richard, lighten up, will ya? What Caroline doesn't know won't hurt her." Caroline had arched one eyebrow at this news. "Hey, lookie what I found. She was hiding some pretty expensive scotch." Del helped himself to a glass. "Well, then, if you don't need help, when was the last time you were out on a date?" Del was continuing his interrogation. "When's the last time you got any, anyway?"

Richard looked up at Del, frowning. "Got any?? Del, anyone ever tell you what a master you are at the use of the English language?" He had thrown down his pencil in obvious disgust at this point. "By the way, my *sex* life is my business, unlike yours, which seems to be everybodys business." he remarked with his usual sarcasm. Caroline stifled a laugh. He always seemed to say something that evitably would make her smile. He had a way of telling it like it was, whether you liked it or not. Del just let the sarcasm slid off of him.

"Well, guess that answers my question." Del said with a grin. "I *was* just trying to help you out." Del took a big bite of his sandwich.

It was at this point that Caroline decided she had better announce her presence. She realized she didn't really want to know where the rest of this conversation was going. She cleared her throat and stepped into the living room. Both men jumped as if a gun went off.

"Whoa, Caroline! You scared me. Hey, good to see you back. You look great, Leno was great, wasn't he? Well, see ya tomorrow." Del had been nervously easing towards the door as he spoke, sandwich behind his back.

"Yeah, bye, Del." Caroline replied, puzzled. As usual, Del was clueless about anything she did. For the umpteenth time, she was relieved she had never taken the plunge with him just as she had wondered equally why it had taken her so long to see how self involved he was.

She looked from the closing door back to Richard at the desk. He was silently watching her with an expression she couldn't quite figure out.

"Hey, Richard." She said softly. He continued to stare at her.

"So, what happened to you?" he finally asked.

"What do you mean? Nothing happened." Caroline said defensively, a little too defensively, looking down at her feet. "What makes you think anything happened?" She should have known he would question her. He always did.

Richard got up from the desk and started walking in her direction. "Well, first of all, you're home a day later than you said. Secondly, you weren't on Jay Leno. I know because I watched hoping you might even mention your lowly assistant. Thirdly, despite Del's excellent observational skills, you look like hell." By the time he had finished, he was standing in front of her, arms crossed.

Caroline just looked up at him. She was having trouble connecting her thought processes to her motor skills. It felt like his eyes were drilling into her brain. Sudden dream images of kissing him sprung into her mind. She could feel herself blush up to her roots.

"Hello? Caroline? What happened?" he asked again.

"Uh...food poisoning. I got sick, really sick, ya know, and...and, I couldn't tape my interview with Jay Leno. So Annie and I stayed at a hotel until I felt better, then we came home." The last part ended in a mumbling whisper. As she watched, his eyes seem to harden and he pursed his lips together. He reached around her for his coat.

"Were you really worried about me?" she asked suddenly, smiling at him. His comment made her feel so inexplicably happy. Richard just stared at the floor.

"Well, you look like you could use some rest. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" he said quietly, turning to the door.

"Hey, Richard, you don't have to leave. I'll make us some coffee and we can, you know, talk or something."

Richard hesitated with his back to her. "I think I better go home. I'll see you in the morning."

"Well, if you're sure. See you tomorrow, Richard. How about we go out to lunch?" After he walked out the door, she noticed that her heart was pounding and her hands were shaking.

She slowly walked up her stairs, with the sudden feeling of beginning a new life.


Part 4 of 12

Richard trudged into Caroline's building with a lot on his mind. He knew she had been lying to him last night when she gave him the story about the food poisoning. There was no way that would dilate your eyes. Besides, she couldn't lie to save her own life. She would either look at the floor or twirl her hair. Either way, she was hopeless. He shook his head.

He knew Caroline so well and he knew something wasn't right. He loved to tease her about her total predictability but he secretly liked it. Needed it, actually, but that wasn't something he wanted to admit to anyone.

The big question was whether he should say something to her or ignore it.

Hanging up his coat on the peg, he noticed the quiet in the room. No Caroline. Maybe she was out on an errand. Glancing at the cold and empty coffeemaker, he wondered if she was still asleep. He called out her name with no answer.

Something was wrong. She never slept this late. Ignoring his own concern, he sat at his desk and began finishing some work for her new cartoon book.

Occasionally, he glanced up the stairs. He didn't want to wait any longer. He stood at the foot of the stairs, hesitating. Finally, he quietly crept up the stairs and peered around the corner.

Caroline was curled up on her side in bed, deep in sleep. The morning sunlight came through the window, spreading across the room. He stood and watched her sleeping, her red hair spread out on the pillow, her hands curled into little fists. The artist in him started visualizing lines, colors and shadows on a canvas. He tried to memorize everything to sketch out later in private.

The sight was so mesmerizing that he didn't hear Annie come into the apartment downstairs.

"Well, well...I know I've accused you of many things but never a 'peeping tom.' I'm really surprised at you, Richard." Annie was standing at the base of the stairs with her arms crossed and a grin on her face.

Richard quickly descended the stairs, his guilty feelings immediately putting him on the defensive.

"Okay, what did you do to her?" He was standing over her.

"Do to her? To who, Caroline? I didn't do anything. Maybe I should ask you the same thing. After all, didn't you just come from her bedroom?"

She was just baiting him and he knew it. It was a game to her and she lived for it. Even as she asked, she was getting comfortable on the couch. She was one up on their scoreboard already today. He could feel his teeth grinding together.

"What happened in L.A., Annie? She looked sick last night when she came in and she's still sleeping. It's almost 10 o'clock. What did you do to her?"

Annie snorted. "What did I do to her?"

"Is there an echo in here? What part of the question don't you understand?"

"Look, Richard. I'm warning you. Don't push it. Just leave me alone." She walked over to the empty coffeemaker. "Do you know how to make coffee?"
Richard grabbed the empty coffee pot and filled it with water from the sink.

"I know somehow you're mixed up in this. You always are. You're so irresponsible. Time to grow up, Annie."

"What?!! Me? Irresponsible?"

"Yeah, you. She looked drugged last night. What did you give her?"

Annie blew up. "I didn't do anything, for your information. It's all your fault, Richard. It was your jacket and your drug...." she stopped abruptly and put her hand over her mouth.

Richard set the coffeepot down so hard the water sloshed over the top and onto the counter.

"What did you just say?" he asked quietly.

Annie stared at him wide eyed. She sat back down on the couch. "Look, I promised Caroline I wouldn't say anything to you. She'll kill me if she finds out."

"It'll save me the trouble. What about that jacket?"

"Uh, well, it seems as if there were some drugs left in one of the pockets of that jacket your mother gave you. Caroline was so nervous and handled them so much that she had a reaction. A bad reaction. Luckily, she's okay now. I took care of her."

"You didn't take her to a hospital?" Richard's eyes were widening.

"Are you kidding? She's practically a celebrity. If word had gotten out about this, she could have lost her business. Or at the very least, she would have been extremely embarrassed. I can just see the National Enquirer's headlines...'Cartoonist takes acid trip.' No, Richard, this whole debacle stays between just the three of us."

Richard slowly walked over to the door, grabbed his coat and opened the door.

"Hey, where are you going?"

"I suddenly feel the need to visit my mother. Tell Caroline I won't be in today."

*********

Natalie Karinsky opened the front door to her son.

"Richard, how nice to see you. Decided to visit your old mother, huh?"

"You won't think it's so nice in a minute." He stood in the middle of the room, arms crossed, glaring at her.

"Well, sit down. Tell me all about it." She was patting the sofa.

Richard didn't move. He opened his mouth, then closed it again, at a loss with how to deal with her. It had been like this his whole life. Suddenly all his pent up emotions broke loose and he vented it on her. He ranted on and on, telling her what happened.

"But it's not my fault, Richard. It was just an accident. It's not like I planned it."

"It's never your fault, mother. Never. I guess it must be my fault for letting you find me again. Well, don't bother going to Caroline's any more, I won't be working there any longer. Just leave her alone. Please."

"You mean she fired you, over that? Oh, how petty." Natalie started to light up a cigarette.

"No, she didn't fire me. Are you kidding? I doubt she could ever fire anyone." Richard stared down at the floor. "I've just decided to move on, not work for her anymore. So stay away from her. Do you understand?"

Natalie was silent, concentrating on blowing smoke towards the ceiling.

"Mother, do you understand she could have been seriously hurt? Please, just stay away, okay?" Richard pleaded quietly.

"Yeah, okay. I promise. Where will you go now?"

"I don't know. I'll find something." Richard headed for the door.

"Well, honey, there's always your..." she was cut off by the slamming of the door.


**********


Caroline felt like crap, no two ways about it. She crept downstairs, holding her head. Glancing at the clock, puzzled, she wondered where Richard was. She had spent most of last night thinking about how to approach him and what to say.

This would not be easy because she wasn't completely sure of how she felt about him. It was so confusing. The only thing she was certain about was the need to go slow. She didn't want to scare him away before she could sort it all out.

She crossed the hall and knocked on Annie's door. Annie opened it a crack, then slammed it shut again.

"Annie? I have to ask you something."

"Uhhh, I have company, Caroline. Later."

"Annie, how can you have company? We just got back last night. Please let me in."

Annie opened the door and sat on her couch, unable to look Caroline in the eyes.

"Have you seen Richard today? It's really odd he's not here by now. He didn't even leave a message."

Annie just looked up at her, bit her lip and looked at the floor.

"Annie, what's wrong? What happened?"

"It was an accident. I didn't mean to tell him. It just slipped out, accidentally. He made me do it."

Caroline could feel her headache increasing in intensity. She pressed her fingers against her eyelids. "You told him what happened? How could you? You promised me. What did he say?"

"Not much. Just left to visit his mother, that's all. Said he wouldn't be working today."

Caroline slowly walked back across the hall, Annie following her. "I'm sorry, Caroline."

"Why do you two always have to fight? Why can't you get along?"

"Caroline, Richard and I don't fight, we, uh...we spar, that's all."

"Spar??"

"Yeah, it's not really fighting. It's like wrestling on TV. It's pretend, ya know?"

"Really? Should I pretend he's not upset and still here, too?"

Annie was silent, looking at the floor. Then, "Do you want me to talk to him?"

"No! Please don't. I'll talk to him."

Caroline picked up the phone, took a deep breath and dialed his number. His machine came on, instructing anyone to leave a message. She did.


Part 5

Finding a job when you have few qualifications is difficult. Richard had found this out a year ago and it was no different now. He had spent hours answering the circled ads in the newspaper with no success. At the back of his mind, the picture of Caroline asleep in bed was haunting him. It reminded him of the night she had shown up drunk at his apartment. Crawling into his lap, she had passed out. He had almost thought... He sighed. His life was all about bad timing.

He passed a new art gallery that must have recently moved in since he hadn't remembered seeing it before. So engrossed was he in analyzing the artwork he could see through the plate glass windows, that he nearly missed the 'help wanted' sign. He doubled back to the entrance.

Walking in, he glanced around at the multitude of sophisticated art pieces covering the walls as well as bronze carvings along the front of the large room. He noticed some bare white walls waiting for some future artist to adorn and maybe be discovered.

"May I help you?" Richard looked in the direction of the voice. Stepping out of a corner, the first thing that struck him was her dyed platinum hair piled on her head and excessive makeup. The second thing was her denim overalls. To say she didn't fit the image of the gallery was a gross understatement. Richard blinked several times, his mouth hanging open.

"Yes, dear, may I help you?" She repeated.

"Uhh, yes, the sign says you need help? Maybe I should speak to the owner."

"I am the owner and yes, I need help." She appeared to be seizing him up.

"Oh. Well...what kind of help?" He asked suspiciously.

She stuck out her right hand. "Hi, I'm Cynthia Van Buren. I need help managing this gallery. I'm always busy traveling so I need an assistant. You wouldn't happen to know anything about art, would you?"

Richard slowly smiled at her.


**********


Caroline sat on her side of the desk staring off into the distance. Richard hadn't shown up for work all week. She had left countless messages on his machine and visited his apartment several times. He never picked up his phone and he never answered her knock at the door. She wondered with a sinking feeling if he had gone to Paris again. Surely he would get over this and return. She missed him so much.

Sighing to herself, she got up from her chair. She was not accomplishing a thing. Might as well go look for him herself as sit here.

Charlie rolled in the door. "Hey, Caroline. Picking up strips, picking up strips."

"Uh, sorry, Charlie. I don't have anything today. Maybe tomorrow."

"Oooh, hope you tell Del. I told him yesterday and the day before that."

"I know. Tell him to just rerun something old."

"Wow, really?" Charlie skated over to the desk.

"Yeah, I just can't concentrate right now. I'm really worried about Richard."

"Richard? Where is he?"

"I don't know, that's why I'm worried. He seems to have disappeared."

"Really? I'll find him for you." Charlie skated out into the hall and towards the elevator.

"Charlie, don't you need his picture or something?" Caroline called out after him.

"Nah, I know what he looks like."


*********


Be careful what you wish for, isn't that what they say? wondered Richard. Why should he be careful when his wishes had come true? An assistant's job in an art gallery and a chance to hang his own work at the opening show. This was everything he wanted. So why did he have a persistent hollow ache in his gut and a feeling that he had lost a limb?

Walking into his dark apartment, he noticed the red flashing light on his message recorder. He ignored it just as he had ignored it all week. He made himself something to eat.

He stared at his blank canvas, trying to paint. Annie's words kept creeping into his mind. 'It's all your fault...bad reaction...It's all your fault.' He couldn't concentrate. The blinking red light was calling out to him. He punched the 'play' button, immediately filling the apartment with Caroline's voice.

'Hey Richard, are you there? Were you coming into work today? Call me.'Beep.

'Richard are you okay? I...I...came by today, but I guess you weren't there. Um... call me, okay?' Beep.

'Richard, I really need your help. I'm kinda backed up here. Are you there? Hello??' Beep.

'Richard, I'm not mad at you or anything. Really. We all miss you here, even Annie and Del.' He heard her voice quiver. 'Even Salty asked me where you've been, so call me, okay?' Beep.

Richard reached over and touched the 'erase' button with a slightly shaking hand. 'It's all your fault, it's all your fault.' Hurting Caroline was something he never wanted to do. He stood in the middle of his room, thinking. He made a decision.

Time to move. Again.

**********

Caroline paced back and forth across the street from the apartment building trying to decide if this was such a good idea. Maybe if she would just wait long enough, Richard would show up on his own. Unless he left the country again. That fear always seemed to be hovering at the back of her mind.

She really had to start making decisions faster than this. Hey, maybe the woman wasn't even home. She resolutely crossed the street and pushed the intercom button with 'N. Karinsky' printed beneath it.

Natalie Karinsky buzzed her into the building almost immediately. "Caroline, how nice to see you again so soon. I promised I wouldn't visit you but since you came to me, I guess you can come in." She reached up with both hands and squeezed Caroline's cheeks. "Well, darling, you look just fine to me. I don't know why he was so worried. I really am sorry for the mess you got into. I told Richard it wasn't my fault but he didn't believe me."

Natalie lit a cigarette and gestured to Caroline to sit down.

"I just stopped by to say hello, see how you were." Caroline thought how lame it sounded even to herself. Natalie inhaled on her cigarette and blew the smoke to the side, just missing Caroline's face.

"Uh huh." She didn't appear to be convinced. A family of cynics. "You mean, see if my son killed me? So why are you really here?"

"Well, this might sound strange, but I'm looking for Richard. I..I.. haven't seen him all week and I'm a little worried. Do you have any idea where he is?"

"No, darling, I haven't the faintest idea. He was here days ago *yelling* at me. About you." Natalie sighed. "Just like last time. He is so *sensitive*."

"Last time?"

"Yes, about that other mixup about the cartoon show. You remember. But that wasn't my fault either. Now he says he isn't going to work for you anymore. I just don't understand him. Don't think I ever have."

Caroline sat in shocked silence, trying to digest everything. She had to agree with Natalie on one thing. She didn't really understand him either. Why would he leave over something like this?

Natalie's face suddenly lit up. "Hey, I found something when I was going through my desk drawer the other day. Maybe you might want it. Richard didn't. He's not very sentimental." She walked over to her desk and picked something up. It was a photo of a little boy with a shock of blond hair hanging over his forehead, sitting in the corner of a sandbox. Dressed in a bright red sweater and crouched on one knee, he looked up apprehensively at the camera. It had been taken at a park, judging by the nearby children and playground equipment. He was sitting off by himself.

"Guess I didn't take too many pictures of him. I think he's about 4 or 5 years old in this one. He's probably told you what a rotten mother I was." Natalie laughed softly, watching Caroline's face. "I bet you want to ask me something else, right?"

Caroline swallowed hard, surprised. "Yes, I...I guess so. What was he like when he was little?"

"Hmmmm..." Natalie had her eyes closed, thinking. "Believe or not, he was a very affectionate little boy. Almost clingy. Kept wanting me to hold him. He had these nightmares sometimes. He would come into our bedroom in the middle of the night and his dad would send him right back to bed. Well, that was before Ben took off, that is. I guess I didn't have much time for Richard back then. I was busy having an affair with Jack at the time." She laughed a little regretfully.

"Jack?" This was more than Caroline wanted to know and she glanced sideways at the door trying to think of an excuse to leave.

Natalie snorted. "Yeah, Jack Daniels. Whiskey?" she explained to Caroline's blank face.

"There were a few days that Richard had to get his own dinner, well, breakfast too, I guess. Everything from back then is quite a blur. Things got better after a few years, but by that time he kept his distance. I guess all that just made Richard independent."

"Independent?" Caroline repeated softly.

"Course, then later on, when he was older, he had to rescue his dad, the big comic from his crappy life." She said the word "comic" sarcastically. Caroline just nodded. That part she had known about. "You know, thinking about it, it seemed like Richard was the parent taking care of us." Natalie laughed, taking another drag off her cigarette. "I think it was probably good for him, don't you?"

Caroline clenched her hands in her lap and willed herself to keep her mouth shut. She looked down at the picture of the little boy sitting off by himself.

"I remember he started to take an interest in painting back then. His father used to tease him mercilessly about it, don't know why. Richard used to tell me, 'someday, Mother, I'm going to be a famous artist.'" Natalie was waving her cigarette through the air, the ashes threatening to drop on the floor.

"You didn't stand up for him in front of his father?" Caroline already knew the answer.

"Nope." Natalie looked at Caroline's face. "Well, it's not like we beat him or anything. He was a tough little boy." she said defensively.

"Anyway..." Natalie continued, "as he grew older, he got quieter. Stayed alone in his room a lot. He left home at a pretty young age. Part of growing up, I guess, hmmm?"

Caroline just stared at her, speechless. The room felt suddenly suffocating. "I think I should probably go now...you know, work and all. Thanks for the picture. Um, Natalie, if you hear from Richard or find out where he is, could you call me, please?"

"Sure thing, darling. I wouldn't worry about Richard. He always manages to land on his feet." Natalie stubbed her cigarette out in an ashtray and walked Caroline to the door.

Caroline turned around. She had to ask. "Do you think he might have gone to Paris or somewhere?"

Natalie snorted. "That's exactly what I suggested...a nice little tour of Europe. But he never listens to me, I'm only his mother."

"Europe? but Richard doesn't have any money. He's always saying how broke he is."

Natalie laughed again. "Oh darling, of course he has money. Family money left to him from his grandfather. He just refuses to touch it. Has this idea that he needs to earn his own way. He's never taken one cent and says he never will. He's so stubborn, got that from his father."

Caroline just stared at Natalie in shock. She never could have predicted this in her wildest dreams.

Natalie watched her face. "Huh, guess that surprised you. Well, than this will really do it. When he had to list a new beneficiary after his great aunt died last year, he insisted on listing your name."

Part 6

After looking through the paper and answering countless rental ads, Richard came to the conclusion he already knew. Nothing. There was nothing available in the whole city, at least that he could afford and that was available immediately. He knew he would have to make the phone call he dreaded. But this was important.

"Dad? It's Richard."


***********


Packing up his few belongings wouldn't take very long. So far, most of his things were thrown haphazardly in boxes littering his floor. The sheets and blankets had been pulled off his mattress, folded and piled up.

He held up a small glass bowl filled with dirty brown water and a single goldfish. Caroline's goldfish. He had long considered himself an animal killer, but this fish didn't seem to know it. Half the time he would forget to feed it. No matter how much he neglected it, that fish just kept on swimming around in circles. Even now, nose to nose, they ogled each other and it swiftly swam to the other side of the bowl.

Richard carefully nestled the fish bowl in a box using piles of dishes and books to wedge it in, hoping it would stay in place long enough for the move. He knew he'd have to make several trips, the remaining paintings going last. He glanced around the small room, remembering the past year and Caroline. Why did it always come back to her? Almost as if she represented a marker of time in his life. His life before Caroline and now, his life after Caroline. He dropped down onto the edge of the bed and ran his hands over his face. Maybe eventually he'd get over her. All he had to do was push her image to the back of his mind and ignore it. That was how he worked it.

He thought for awhile, then reached for a blank sheet of paper. He wrote several sentences, reread them and crumpled up the paper into a ball. He started over again. And again. How do you say goodbye to someone you consider your only friend? When you can't reveal your feelings? Someone out of your league, out of your reach?

**********

Caroline wandered aimlessly around the city in shock, not paying attention to where she was going. She had thought she had known him, at least the important things. After all, she had worked with the guy for two years. She had a sneaking suspicion now that she had only seen the tip of the iceberg. He had never seemed that complex to her. How wrong she was. But how can you know someone who closes himself off to everyone?

Over the years she had discovered that he had a sensitive and gentle side always hidden behind a cynical exterior. Occasionally his soft side would creep out, unnoticed by most. She suddenly remembered how a few words of approval from her had an effect over him. A surprising effect. Only to be quickly replaced by sarcasm once again. He must have had years of practice.

Richard had never failed to surprise her. Even now.

She found she had wandered back to her own neighborhood with no recollection of the journey. Before she realized it, she was standing in front of Remo's Ristorante, gazing through the glass windows. She walked in and sat at a table, half expecting to see Richard sitting alone and reading one of his gloomy books.

"Carolina, how are you today, eh? You look sad, what is wrong?" Remo sat down in the chair next to her.

"Have you seen Richard this week? He seems to have disappeared again."

"No. Sorry. That is why you are so sad? Maybe he is just off painting. You know how those artists are. Why worry?" Remo hurried off to wait on a large group that just came in the door. Caroline ran after him.

"Remo, I love you." Caroline grabbed him and kissed him on the cheek. "Where's your phone book? You just gave me an idea of how to find him." Remo grinned, straightened his tie and reached behind the counter.

"Glad to know I could help you, Carolina."

Caroline scanned the yellow pages and tore out several pages. She hurried out of Remo's. She never noticed the blond man dressed in black across the street hiding in a doorway, watching her.


***********


Caroline walked into her apartment, limping. Kicking her shoes across the room, she sunk down on the couch. Well, that was a waste of time. With the exception of a couple of places that were closed, she must have visited every art gallery, art store and art museum in the city. She didn't think she'd have any luck with the museum angle, but she had to try.

She listened to her messages, hoping to hear from Richard. Just Del, sounding really irate about her lack of work. Funny how she just didn't care right now about that. She dialed Richard's number again, this time getting a recording about the number being disconnected. She carefully put the phone down with a sinking feeling in her stomach. She had to try his apartment one more time.


**********


She told herself that of course he was still there. Probably just hadn't paid his telephone bill. Walking up to his door, she hesitated. She was rehearsing what to say to him. Maybe she could take him out to dinner...yeah, that was it. Dinner in some nice little intimate restaurant. They really needed to talk.

Caroline knocked on his apartment door. She could hear movement inside. Her heart started racing. She waited expectantly. The door was opened by a large, balding man sporting several tatoos.

"Yeah, whatdaya want?"

"You're not Richard." Caroline blurted out the first thing in her mind.

"Nope. Guess again."

"But...this is Richard's apartment. At least it was..." her voice wandered off.

"Not any more, lady. I just moved in." His eyes suddenly lit up as he looked her up and down. "Wanna come on in?"

Caroline turned around and ran down the stairs. She couldn't believe it. He had left again without saying goodbye. She tried not to tear up on the way home.


*******


"Dad, I really appreciate your letting me use the spare room. I promise it will only be temporary. Just until I sell something."

"Sure Richard. I don't mind. Maybe you could help me in the shoe store on weekends..." Ben's voice faded away when he saw the look on Richard's face. "Or maybe not. Are you sure you want to live in Paramus, though? It's a long trip to that gallery every day, isn't it?"

"Yeah, but I don't care. There wasn't anything else I could afford. By the way, if anyone calls looking for me, you haven't seen me and don't know where I am, understand?"

"Afford? Richard, why don't you use the trust fund? That's what its for."

"No, Dad. We've been through this before." Richard climbed the stairs wearily, with his father following close behind.

"Hey, I know it's none of my business, but what are you hiding from?"

"You're right, Dad. It's none of your business." Richard threaded through the piles of shoe boxes to reach his bed. Flopping down on the mattress, he stared up at the ceiling. Ben Karinsky stood in the doorway watching him.

"Hey, Richard. Here's a joke for ya. 'Two men were walking down this road and'..."

"Dad," Richard interrupted him. "No jokes, please."

"Wow, you're tougher than a sober crowd on a Monday night. Sorry." Ben turned to leave.

Richard sat up on the bed. He couldn't believe he was reduced to living with his father over a shoe store in Paramus at his age. To make it worse, seeing Caroline walking out of Remo's had bothered him more than he cared to admit. It seemed as if that pain located somewhere in his gut would be permanent.

"Dad, Dad...I'm sorry." He said gently. "Go ahead, tell me your joke."


Part 7 of 12


Annie was definitely worried about her. The girl hadn't eaten much all week. If only she hadn't opened her mouth and spilled the beans to Richard. Their lives would all still be the same.

She knew Caroline had been actively looking for Richard with no luck. Of all people, she had been the one to find him. In the subway, of all places. Annie had been leaving a car and was jostled by several people. Turning around to say something to them, she came face to face with Richard.

"Richard!" Annie sputtered. "Where...why...you..."

"Still taking those English lessons, I see." He commented dryly.

"Where have you been? Caroline has been looking all over for you." Annie hissed.

Richard looked at the ground then away across the station. "Yeah, well, tell her to stop looking, okay? I've found something else. She needs to hire another assistant."

"No, you tell her. So why did you quit anyway?"

Richard hesitated. She could see he was uncomfortable but, damn it, she didn't care. "Annie, I don't want to be the cause of hurting Caroline. I'm not going to take that chance anymore. Believe me, her life will be less complicated without me there."

"Liar! You're just scared, Richard. That's all. You're a wuss."

"No, I'm not."

"You *are.* You could have at least let her know you were leaving this time."

"I wrote her a letter, okay? Get off my back." He started to edge for the subway train.

"A letter? Anything like the last letter you wrote her or don't you give a damn anymore?"

As soon as the words were out of her mouth and she saw his reaction, she knew the answer. He had visibly paled and clamped his lips together. He turned and started to board the subway train with the words 'bye Annie' floating after him. Annie had to run to catch up with him, but the train started up, closing its doors. Her last glimpse of Richard was a silhouette of a very miserable man.

The worst part was that she couldn't tell Caroline about the conversation with Richard because it was her fault he had quit. Then it would lead to the rest of the story such as 'what else did he say?' and 'what other letter, Annie?' and 'how come you never gave it to me, Annie?' Her own friendship with Caroline was at stake now. She had made a solemn promise to God no less, to *never* interfere in anyone's life. Ever again.

Evidently she wasn't the only one worried about Caroline. Just yesterday, she walked in on Del lecturing Caroline about her work. Or rather, the lack of. Caroline had yelled back at him and ran upstairs, slamming the door.

Annie and Del had just looked at each other.

"Annie, do you have any idea what's going on with her?"

"Uh, yeah, Del. We need to talk."


**********

Caroline looked down at her newest cartoon strip. It was pathetically bad. She waded it up and started over again. Starting over again. Yep, that's what she would do. She would just forget about Richard, advertise for a new assistant and get on with her life.

Easier said than done. Trying not to think of Richard was harder than she thought. It was like trying to avoid looking at the big pink elephant standing in the room. The harder she tried to forget him, the more she thought about him. She finally took out the picture of him she'd been avoiding all week.

His image stared up at her with huge brown eyes. Sad eyes. Her index finger gently traced the outline of his face. She wanted to touch him, hold him. She placed the picture face down on her coffee table, shaking. She wondered what had happened to that tough little boy.

"Hey, Caroline." Annie hesitantly stuck her head around the door. "Uh, can I come in?"

"Yeah, sure. Since when have you ever needed my permission?" Caroline turned around in her chair and smiled. Annie looked stupified.

"Wow, you look happy. Guess you don't need to talk about Richard."

"Hey, it's his life. If he wants to work somewhere else, I'm certainly not going to stop him. That should make you happy."

"I see. Hmm, I really thought you had a thing for him." Annie stopped abruptly, looking at her friend's crestfallen face. "Never mind, hon. You know, it shouldn't make any difference whether I like the guy you're with anyway. I'm sure you haven't liked half the guys I've dated."

"Annie, I haven't even met half the guys you've dated." Caroline was laughing now.

"Now you've got that twinkle back in your eyes. And that's the first time I've heard you laugh in a few days." Annie hesitated for a moment. "Caroline, now don't get upset but maybe the idea of caring about Richard scares you. I could certainly understand that."

Caroline just stared at her. "Scares me?"

"Yeah, scares you. I mean, think about him. He's crabby, irritating, definitely geeky..."

"...and sweet, sensitive, caring." Caroline finished the sentence. "Annie, I guess to Richard we were just friends, nothing more. It doesn't matter now since he moved away again. I have no idea where he went. I don't care."

"Oh, I see. You don't care...Caroline, you were always a lousy liar. I'll see you later,okay? I gotta go to work, I'm late." Annie quickly hugged her and almost flew out the door.

Caroline gazed off into the distance, thinking. Scared of caring about Richard? What did that remind her of? Suddenly she flashed back to those silly dreams. Yeah, that was it. Annie telling her she was afraid of her feelings for Randy. She had dreamt that she had been falling in love with Randy when she had been committed to Richard.

In her dreams she had fallen in love with an old friend. How stupid.

Caroline started to laugh. As if she would ever be interested in more than one man at a time. That just wasn't her, especially if she loved the one she was with.

Memories of her past started drifting through her mind...all the times Richard had always been there for her when no one else was...dreaming of Richard kissing her right before her wedding to Del...Richard asking if she even loved Del...Richard giving her a painting of Paris for Christmas, a part of himself really... wanting a love she couldn't seem to find with Del and then cancelling her wedding because it wasn't 'sincere amore.' Always questioning love with every man she had been with.

Slowly, Caroline sat back down on the couch, biting her lip.

That was exactly what had happened.

She had fallen in love with a friend when she was with another man. Just substitute Richard for Randy and that *had* been her life. When she had dated Del, she was so full of doubts. Even when she had dated Joe, she had danced a little too close to Richard.

She didn't know when it had happened and it didn't really matter. She had slowly fallen in love with Richard. So slowly she hadn't even been aware of it. Her subconscious mind had been playing out her feelings for him in those strange hallucinations of hers.

Caroline sat deep in thought about Richard and the past two years with him in her life. He had said once that he didn't understand why his opinions were so important to her. She realized now they always had been, almost from the moment she met him. She did want his approval and more. His love. Something he probably wouldn't give her. Annie was right...she was scared. Richard was unlike any other man she had ever dated or even been attracted to. He was not the type she had ever pictured herself loving.

But of all the men who had come and gone in her life, he was the most unforgettable.

She didn't even notice that the sun had gone down and she was sitting in the dark.

**********

"So, let me get this straight. Caroline can't concentrate on work because Richard doesn't work for her anymore. Big deal." Del chewed on a breadstick.

"Well, that's not entirely the whole story. See, Caroline has always had this thing for Richard and now..."

"Wait a minute, wait a minute. Always had a thing for him? She and I were engaged less than a year ago. How could she have when we were going to get married?" Del had abruptly set his half eaten breadstick on the table.

"Uhh..." Annie looked around Remo's desperately looking for a distraction. Twice in a week she had stuck her big fat foot in her mouth. Must be some kind of record.

"Annie, out with it. What's going on?"

"Okay, let's just say that Caroline was not really aware of how she felt. I just noticed it and so did Ma and Remo." She brightened. "I guess we could all be wrong."

Del just looked down at their table. "That must be why she broke off our wedding. I guess I was too stupid to figure it out. That must be why she was always so worried about him being depressed. You know, sometimes I did feel kinda jealous of him. Never knew why."

"Hey, Del. Don't blame everything on her. As I remember, you weren't too eager to get married either."

"Yeah, yeah. Good thing we didn't or I'd probably be in the middle of a third divorce. But, Richard?? I don't get it."

"Hey, that makes two of us. Why don't I get us a bottle of wine?"

"Maybe I should just go beat the crap out of the guy."

Annie tilted her head at an angle, debating. "Hmmm, that would be fun to watch, but I think Caroline would get upset."


Part 8 of 12


It had been weeks since she had last seen Richard. So what if she had been in love with him. It's not like that hadn't happened before. She knew she had loved a few guys and this was how it always ended. They left. End of story. This time, she told herself, this time she wouldn't cry over the guy. She would be strong and tough, like Annie. She would just move on.

Picking up her mail from the lobby box, an envelope addressed to her with familiar handwriting immediately caught her eye. Her stomach tightened into a knot. Caroline knew she couldn't open it, so she carefully set it down on the other side of the desk and tried to work. Strange how it mocked her, sitting there silently.

Finally she couldn't stand it anymore.

She carefully opened the envelope and smoothed out the single sheet of paper. She read it and then reread it, swallowing hard. The letter was just so Richard... brief, noncommittal and vague. He was just saying goodbye.

Tears welled up in her eyes and started to fall. Once started, she couldn't stop. She cried over all the lost opportunites, misunderstandings and her own blindness. Damn it, why couldn't she be like Annie?

Salty crawled up into her lap, sensing her need for comfort.

**********

Work at the art gallery was exciting. Everything was set for the show next week. It was to be their grand opening. Cynthia, soon assured of Richard's knowledge, had left everything in his hands. In fact, had left town altogether.

Richard was forced to make all the decisions. Because of his long hours, he rarely had spare time or energy to paint. Heading for home at night, he would eat dinner with his father in silence, then collapse into bed. Images of Caroline only came to him in his dreams.

A few days before the opening, with some time to spare, he stood in a back room of the gallery in front of a blank canvas. Picking up a pencil, he started to sketch, slowly at first, then picking up momentum. When he was done, he stood back to look at his work. Caroline was looking back at him.

"Wow, she's a beauty. Someone you know?" Richard jumped and turned at the sound. Cynthia strolled into the room, carrying a bottle of wine and two glasses.

"Cynthia! you startled me. I didn't hear you come in. I'm glad you're back. We have a lot..." Richard started to cover the canvas but Cynthia stopped him.

"No, don't. I want to look at it." She stared at the drawing for a while. "Richard, this is really good. It shows so much emotion and excitement, much more than some of your other work. Why don't you always draw like this?"

"Cynthia, don't you think we ought to discuss the art show?" Richard was starting to get impatient. He didn't want to discuss Caroline with anyone.

"Not really. I trust you. I'm sure it's going well." She offered him a poured glass of wine. "So, who's the lady?" She tipped her head in the direction of the sketch.

"Just an old friend." Richard picked up the canvas and put it in a corner.

Cynthia's face lit up. "Oooh, what kind of friend is she, anyway?"

"I don't want to talk about it, okay?" Richard ran his hand through his blond hair. He finished off his glass of wine, feeling a buzz in his head. Why did everyone always assume that he and Caroline were together?

"Really? Running away, are we?" Cynthia playfully punched his arm.

"Have you been talking to my father?" Richard asked sarcastically.

Cynthia just smiled. "I've never had a chance to tell you about my husband, have I? We were just friends for 10 years. The best of friends. I knew that man better than I knew myself. Finally, a mutual friend of ours could stand it no longer." Cynthia poured Richard another glass of wine. "She pushed me into saying something to him. Imagine my surprise when I found out he loved me too. We were married for 20 years, had 2 beautiful daughters." She started to tear up. "He died last year. Now, I would give anything to have those first 10 years back. If I had to do it over again..."

She was gazing off across the room, caught up in her memories of the past. Richard felt his own eyes tearing up in sympathy. He reached out and gently patted her hand.

"I'm sorry." Hesitantly, he tried to explain his relationship with Caroline.

"She's a cartoonist. She draws 'Caroline in the City.' My job was coloring in the lines. A real challenge, don't you agree?" He reached for the bottle of wine and poured another glass. "She's one of these people who are always so happy and optimistic. She was obsessed with fixing everything in my life. That was because she thought of me as a geek and a loser."

"Are you sure of that?"

Richard laughed without humor. "Yeah, I'm sure. I was always the after-thought, the last one picked, the guy who picked up the slack when no one else would. The guys she dates are not like me. They're always successful and good-looking. Believe me, I wouldn't be good enough for her." Richard suddenly stopped and looked up at Cynthia. "Why am I telling you all this?"

"Because I'm easy to talk to." She smiled at him. "Maybe you shouldn't write off that friendship so quickly. Sometimes you have to look past the obvious to see reality."

"No, no. There was nothing else to it."

"Really? Do you love her?"

Richard hesitated for a long time. He started to clean his brushes to stall for time. "I don't do well with love, believe me. It's always been a letdown for me. There's one thing I have learned from my life. I don't need anyone. I can make it on my own."

"Richard, we all need someone. You can't go through life alone. Don't you need someone to share things with?"

"No, I don't. Every time I depended on someone to be there for me, they weren't. I won't go through that pain again." He swallowed nervously. "Wow, must be the wine. I do irrational things when I have too much to drink. Believe me. I'll see you tomorrow."

Leaving the art gallery, Richard decided to use a taxi instead of the subway to get home. He didn't want to chance running into someone familiar from his past again.

*******

Caroline knew only one more person connected to Richard. His father. Even though Richard had quit, he had never collected his last paycheck. Caroline had no place to mail it so maybe Ben would know. At least, it sounded like a good excuse for visiting him.

When the taxi pulled up to Manny's Shoes, Caroline noticed that all the lights were out, save one in the rear. She hadn't realized it was so late. She pounded on the front door anyway, hoping someone was still there.

Ben Karinsky ambled through the darkened shoe store, took one look at the source of the pounding and opened the door with a smile.

"Caroline! What a nice surprise. Need a pair of shoes in a hurry?"

She smiled back at him. "No, Mr. Karinsky, no shoes. I...I..was just wondering if you know where Richard is." Caroline figured she already knew the answer. "You see, he doesn't work for me anymore and he moved from his apartment. I...I..have his last paycheck and I don't know where to send it. I have no idea where he went." The last sentence came out in a whisper.

"Gee, Caroline, I have no idea either. You know he and I aren't exactly close, so he wouldn't tell me either." Ben wasn't looking her in the eyes, but was intensely occupied in examining a pair of pumps on a nearby shelf.

"Okay, well, when you find out, can you give him this?" She thrust an envelope in his direction.

"Yeah, sure, no problem. I wish I could help you out. You were such a good sport helping me with my act."

Caroline smiled at him. "Hey, that was fun. Call me if you ever need help again. I'll see you around." She opened the door of the shop and stepped outside. Ben followed her to the door.

"Caroline, I just thought of someone. Richard has a cousin not too far from here. I think he visits her once in a while. Wait, I'll write down the name and directions." He walked back in the shop and came out with a slip of paper."

Caroline was standing with her mouth hanging open. "Richard has a cousin? In New York? Wow, that man is a real mystery. Thanks, Mr. Karinsky."

"Sure, but call me Ben, okay?"

***********

He stood and watched through the picture window as Caroline flagged down a taxi, then waved goodbye to her. He slowly walked to the foot of the back stairs. Richard was standing on one of the steps in the rear stairwell.

"Well, I hope you're happy now. You made me lie to her and she's a very nice lady."

"Dad, why did you tell her about Rachel?"

"I was just trying to help her, I don't know. Did you two have a fight or something? Cause, if you did, just go apologize. It doesn't matter whose fault it was."

"Really, Dad? Is that what you used to do?"

"No, I didn't. That was part of the problem between your mother and me. And don't use that sarcasm on me, young man. I'm still your father." Richard started heading for his room. "What could have been so bad that you don't want to talk to her?"

Richard's door closed and Ben noticed he was talking to himself once again. He sighed. "My son, the idiot."

**********

Caroline walked up the steps and knocked at the door of the address Ben Karinsky had given her. She knew she was really invading Richard's life now. If or when he ever found out, she knew he would be speechless with anger. Oh well, she'd deal with it then.

The door opened to reveal a woman in her early thirties, balancing a toddler against one hip. Caroline hesitated then plunged ahead, introducing herself.

"Oh...ooooh! You're Caroline?! Nice to meet you. Come on in." Rachel walked ahead of her through the living room, kicking toys out of the way as she went. She pointed to a large chair.

"Have a seat. So, you're Caroline, huh?" Rachel just smiled.

"Richard's talked about me?"

Rachel hesitated. "Umm, yeah, a little. He said you're a cartoonist and some other stuff. Not really important." She was looking down at the floor. Even Caroline could see she was leaving something out.

"Well, I didn't know he had a cousin in New York. He never mentioned you."

"Richard and I spent a few summers together when we were small. It doesn't surprise me that he's never mentioned my existence. He's a pretty private person. I think I'm the only one he confides in. Certainly not to that mother of his. I still can't believe she and my mother are from the same gene pool."

Caroline laughed. "I was wondering...have you seen or heard from Richard lately? He's moved and I can't locate him. I needed to talk to him."

Rachel's eyes widened. "Not again..what's he running from this time?"

"This time?"

"Well, years ago, it was from Julia. Last year he took off for Paris to get away..." Rachel stopped suddenly, biting her lip. "Wow, we Karinsky's are known for shooting off our big mouths."

"Somehow that gift didn't fall Richard's way. You knew Julia?"

Rachel grimaced. "I never met her, just heard about her from Richard. He showed me her picture once, just before he set it on fire." She laughed. "I always thought it was because of her and his parents that he doesn't trust anyone. He just shuts himself down."

Caroline nodded. "He's the hardest person I've ever tried to know."

"Richard has a unique sense of humor, as you probably noticed. He hides a lot of feelings beneath that sarcasm. The woman who takes the time to find his good qualities and win him over will be lucky. He's loyal to a fault and one of the best guys I've ever known." Rachel was now staring directly at Caroline.

Caroline was silent, already feeling jealous pangs over some unknown future woman who would realize this. It was too late for her.

"Anyway, Julia was the type who couldn't understand why someone in love would want to spend time with her everyday. She just wanted to play the field. She was so immature. I was so happy to know that Richard had gotten over her. She was a real bimbo." Rachel stopped. "Please don't tell Richard I've told you these things. He would be so angry with me. I just thought you should know." Again she was looking directly at Caroline.

"Why did he go to Paris?" Caroline blurted out.

Rachel starting inspecting her fingernails. "I can't tell you. I'm sorry, Caroline."

Rachel's parting words were still ringing in her ears as she hailed a taxi and climbed in. "Don't give up on him, okay?"


Part 9 of 12

Caroline sat at her desk, doodling aimlessly. It was 2 a.m. and she couldn't sleep. She was emotionally and physically exhausted but her mind wouldn't rest. She kept replaying in her mind her conversation with Rachel. 'Things are not always what they seem to be.' What in the world did that mean?

Maybe she should just run away too. That must be easier than having to face the truth about herself. But this wasn't what she wanted to think about tonight.

Caroline jumped out of her chair to make a cup of tea, anything to keep busy, to keep from remembering. It didn't work. As she stared down into the depths of her cup, fragments of those hallucinations drifted through her mind. No matter what she did, the images wouldn't stop haunting her.

Caroline had realized that the upside-down-backwards-insane world she had dreamt about had been a mixture of her past and her present life jumbled and distorted, like looking into a kaleidoscope. With every turn, a totally different picture was created with the same bits of colored glass.

Dreams are like that, she reasoned, they rarely make sense. But her dreams did, in a scary sort of way. They had reflected the truths about herself that she would rather not face but was forced to see.

She wanted to marry so badly that she might end up with someone she doesn't really love and the one she cherished the most just out of reach. She wanted to be the one in control but ended up with nothing. She kept searching for perfection but in the end, it wasn't what she wanted either. Because she was looking for all the wrong things, she lost the one man she loved the most.

The lessons she had learned had become startingly clear. She thought about all the times she had meddled in Richard's life...how she had 'settled' for him because no one else was around...how she tried to change him into something he wasn't. She had driven him away.

"You made sure to keep Richard pushed into a neat little corner of your life as just a friend and nothing more." She muttered as she picked up a pillow and angrily heaved it across the room.

Annie came through the door in time to witness the pillow flying through the air. "Hey, am I interrupting something? Just got home from work and I saw your lights on."

Caroline sunk down on a chair. "No, I'm just thinking about my life and how confusing everything is."

"Huh, join the rest of us. Hey, I know. Let's get drunk. That'll cheer you up."

Caroline laughed. "No thanks, I think I've had enough substance abuse to last a while, Annie. I mean my life is one big failure. I haven't been able to have one successful relationship in my life. They've all ended. I even spent all those years with Del, only to realize he wasn't what I wanted. Am I that blind or just stupid?"

"Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. You just didn't know what you wanted. Whatever happened to that cheerful, optimistic girl I know?"

Caroline was staring over at her desk, biting her lip. "Maybe she just grew up."

"I see." Annie looked like she was hesitating. "Caroline, do you know what you want now?"

"Yes." She whispered.

"A word of advice. He isn't like other guys. You'll have to be the one to go after him. Trust me on this."

Caroline didn't need Annie to spell out who she was referring to. Both were silent for awhile. Annie broke the silence.

"Speaking of the devil, I think I've found Richard."

Caroline looked over at Annie and noticed for the first time that she was clutching a rolled up newspaper. Annie opened it and shoved it under Caroline's face.

"He's going to be one of the featured artists in an art show? Oh, god, Annie, he's finally doing it, his first big break." She felt deliriously happy for him. "I don't recognize this gallery. It must be new."

"So, are you going to go to the show? Want Del and I to go with you? You know, a show of support? Ooooh, we can torture him, just like old times." Annie rubbed her hands together.

Caroline was still looking down at the article. "I don't know if I should. Maybe he doesn't want me there. If he did, he would have called and told me about it, don't you think?"

"Caroline, remember what I said...you'll have to be the one to make the first move. I think you should put on something sexy, go down there and flirt a little with him." Annie shut her eyes in exaggerated pain. "I can't believe I'm encouraging this."

Caroline smiled at her. "Okay, I think I will. Thanks, Annie. For everything."

"Well, maybe Richard has some potential. We can work on the way he dresses and..."

"No!! No, Annie. Just the way he is."

Annie arched one eyebrow. "Whatever you say."

Caroline hesitated for a moment, laughingly. "Annie, I've been thinking...and I think I can predict the future."

Annie blinked. "What?"

"Well, I dreamt Richard would leave and he has. So maybe my dream that he would get married to his old girlfriend and have a baby will come true too."

"Caroline, he left before, remember? For Paris? That's why you dreamt about it. I think it bothered you more than you wanted to admit last summer."

"Are you trying to say that I repress my feelings?"

Annie's eyes widened. "Well, duh!!" She looked at Caroline's distressed face. "But only in the nicest way."

"Thanks."

"I'm sure you dreamt about a baby because you and Richie delivered Vicki's baby. That had to be traumatic for you. It sure was for me."

Caroline smiled. She remembered Annie sprawled on the floor in a dead faint. "At least Vicki didn't name her baby 'Stefano.'"

"Stefano?" Annie's forehead crinkled in thought for a moment. "Wasn't Doctor Joe's last name 'DeStefano'? You remember him...the kid you dated? Baby Doc?"

"Yeah..."

Annie's mouth dropped in sudden realization. "Oh my god, you dreamt that Richard had a kid named 'Stefano'?"

Caroline nodded. Annie started laughing, so hard she had to bend over to catch her breath. "That is so hilarious, don't you think, since Richard practically hated the guy. I love the irony." She collapsed on the couch, still laughing. "Best laugh I've had all week."

"That's what ht was about? Hey, I don't think it was so funny. It seemed so real and so intense. They were really, you know, bonding. Richard really fell in love with his..." She stopped and looked over at Annie, who was still giggling. "He really didn't like Joe at all, did he?"

Annie put her arm around Caroline's shoulders. "Honey, you're a lot of things, but psychic you're not. You just have one, really twisted subconscious, that's all."

As Annie walked across the hall to her own apartment, Caroline could still hear her hoots of laughter and her mutterings of 'Richie with a son named Stefano.'


Caroline stood on the sidewalk across the street, gazing through the large picture windows at the crowd in the art gallery. Paintings in riotous colors covered the white walls and contrasted with the black eveningwear of the patrons. Her eyes darting around the large crowded room, she spotted Richard standing at one side. She noticed he was wearing his black tuxedo with his bowtie drooping lopsidedly to one side. Smiling to herself, she realized he must have attempted to tie it himself.

She questioned herself for the umpteenth time if she was doing the right thing, just showing up like this to surprise him. He didn't like surprises.

Large and small groups of interested art lovers strolled in and out of the doors. Richard was being introduced to each group in turn. Several women in evening gowns flitted by with glasses of champagne, stopping to talk to him.

It took awhile before Caroline realized Richard had situated himself directly in line with the door, looking up at it intently whenever it opened. Almost as if he was expecting someone. Each time, he looked back down at the floor with the same lost look. Did he already have someone new in his life that he was expecting tonight? Her earlier excitement withered into sadness.

She watched him a little longer, clenching her hands and debating whether to go over and say hello. After all, they were still friends and that's what friends do. Caroline remembered what Annie had suggested. She glanced down at her slinky low cut black dress. She was certainly dressed right. Flirt with him? She looked up again through the window at Richard fidgeting with his tie.

Okay, but maybe she should practice first. What would Annie say? 'Hey there, big boy...' Ugh. 'Wow, Richard, you look good enough to...' No. No. No.

She started pacing back and forth on the sidewalk, muttering and gesturing, her crepe dress swirling around her legs. Passersby stared and gave her a wide berth. She ignored them.

'Want to come over to my place later, handsome?' She cringed, then giggled. She was pathetic. How does Annie make this look so easy? She just couldn't flirt with him. It just wasn't her and they had been friends too long to suddenly start playing games now. Besides, he'd just think she'd lost her mind. He would give her that look, that look that was pure 'Richard'. She sighed.

Why did this scare her? Even as she wondered, she knew the answer. She didn't take chances. Richard, being so different than any man she had dated, was taking a chance. A chance with rejection.

Still watching him, an older woman with a younger woman beside her hugged and kissed him. He smiled broadly at her. Caroline felt her stomach twist into a knot. She just couldn't cross the street. She could see that he had moved on to a new life, one that didn't include her. She had waited too long. She suddenly realized her biggest lesson of all.

She had to learn to let go.

She slowly turned and walked away. Her steps became quicker, tripping her up. She suddenly felt the need to run and hide. Tears clouded her vision, falling down her cheeks. She ran faster, weaving between strolling couples out for the evening. With her head down, she headed for the general direction of her apartment.

She never noticed the taxi that ran the red light just as she stepped off the curb.


Part 10 of 12

Richard carefully wrapped up the painting with brown paper for the waiting couple. One of several he had sold last night at the art show. Business was brisk. He had been busy since they had first opened the doors.

He glanced up in time to see his father come in the front door, look around the room and head in his direction. He clamped his lips together in frustration. Things had been going so well. Maybe he could get rid of him fast.

"Dad, what are you doing here?"

"Richard, I need to talk to you. Right away." He looked at Richard's impatient face. "It's really important."

"No, Dad. I don't have time. Tell me tonight." He moved across the room to talk to another art patron. His dad followed him.

"Look, Richard, I wouldn't bother you if it wasn't important..." Richard ignored him. "Annie called your mother who called me at the store but I didn't hear the telephone because I was in the back room.."

"Dad, I don't want to hear about Annie or my mother."

"But it's about Caroline..."

Richard turned abruptly. "What about Caroline?"

"She's been in an accident. I don't know much else but it doesn't sound good."

Richard stared at him, frozen. "What? Oh, god...Dad?"

"I know, Richard. I have the taxi waiting. Come on."

The trip to the hospital in the cab probably only took ten minutes but to Richard, it felt like a lifetime. His stomach was heaving, his breakfast churning into acid. He wasn't sure he had even remembered to breath during the trip. He stared straight ahead, his Dad's hand gripping his arm. He burst into the emergency room at a run, looking around for any familiar face. He spotted Annie and Del sitting at one end. Annie's face was swollen from crying. Del, looking pale, had one arm around her shoulders.

"Annie. Del. What happened? Is she okay?"

Annie jumped up and clutched his arm. "Richard, thank god you're here. We can't get any information about Caroline except that she was hit by a taxi and she's in intensive care. They won't tell us anything else because we're not immediate family." Annie started crying again. "Can you do something?"

"Me?" Richard stared at the two of them. They were actually depending on him for help. Thinking back on that moment later, he realized that it was the first time he felt like he was part of their friendship, a part of Caroline's life.

He strode over to the emergency desk and tried to get the nurses attention. The busy area was teeming with hospital personnel and visitors alike.

"Yes, may I help you sir?" One of the nurses was looking over at him.

"Caroline Duffy. Car accident. Intensive care." Richard found that fear had made him incapable of complete sentences and left his mouth dry.

"And you are....?" The nurse turned to sign off on a roster while waiting for his answer. He glanced over at Annie, Del and his father, anxiously waiting. He made a quick decision.

"Uhh..her brother...Doctor...Duffy." Part of his brain that still functioned wondered if he could be arrested for impersonating a doctor. Even if he had a damn good reason for it. With his sorry life, he knew the answer.

The nurse lit up. "Oh, Doctor. How nice to meet you. Follow me, please." With a parting glance and a shrug at his friends, Richard followed her through double glass doors and down several hallways.

"Here she is. We have her in ICU just for observation for awhile. We want to make sure there are no changes in her condition."

Richard looked towards the bed. Caroline was hooked up to several machines that beeped and hummed. An IV drip was attached to one hand. His heart stopped. She looked so pale, so fragile.

"Who are you?" A female doctor in scrubs holding a clipboard had entered the room. Richard spun around nervously.

"This is Doctor Duffy, her brother." The nurse introduced him, beaming.

"Really? Hmmm...that's funny. The last time I saw Chris Duffy, he didn't look at all like you."

Oh god. Of course, Richard thought as he closed in eyes in pain, only in his world would the doctors from different hospitals actually know each other.

She crossed her arms across her chest. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't have security throw you out of this hospital?"

Richard could only stare at her, wide eyed. He realized he didn't care. He only wanted to know about Caroline. "Please, she's a good friend of mine. I need to know how she's doing. Please...." He realized he was real close to whining. Caroline would be proud of him.

The doctor relented. She looked down at the clipboard, read something, then looked up at Richard again. "She has a broken leg, several broken ribs, bruising and lacerations. Your friend was very lucky. It could have been worse. We've had several vehicle accident victims in here today that may not make it." She stopped for a moment, then softly, "Why don't you go home and get some rest? She'll be fine. She'll sleep through the rest of the day and night with the pain killers we've given her. I'll let you visit her tomorrow."

Richard hesitated a moment. "I would like to stay with her. Please? It's important...to me. I won't bother anyone."

He could see her debating this, sizing him up. "Okay, but on one condition. Cause any trouble for any of my nurses and I'll have you thrown out on your butt. Understand?" Richard nodded.

As they left, he remembered Annie, Del and his father, still anxiously waiting outside. "Could you please let my friends know how she's doing?"

He turned to look at Caroline again. In the white hospital gown and white blankets pulled tightly down on both sides of the bed, she looked so small and motionless. The purple bruising along the left side of her face was becoming more prominent. He hadn't noticed the cuts on her arms earlier or the cast on her left leg. He slowly sat down on a chair next to the bed. What bothered him the most was her silence. The only noise in the room was the beep of the moniters and blood pressure machine. He wanted her to just open her eyes, smile at him and chatter about anything, it didn't matter. He just wanted to know she was her old happy self.

"Hey, Caroline." Maybe she could hear him. "It's Richard. Remember me?" He laughed a little. "Of course you do. How could you forget? I'm that wonderful ray of sunshine in your life." He removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling a headache coming on.

"They told me you were going to be just fine. That's good because you really had me worried. Actually, you scared the hell out of me. You really know how to get someone's attention." He rubbed his eyes in frustration, knowing he was just talking to himself.

"Annie, Del and my father are worried about you too. I ...I just thought you should know." He watching her slow, steady breathing, her chest barely rising.

"You'd be really proud of me, Caroline. I sold three of my paintings at a show last night. There's even a write up in the Times. I guess I finally did it. I know you'd like Cynthia too. The owner of the gallery. She's like the mother I never had." His excitement faded.

He got up from the chair and started to pace from one end of the small room to the other. "Funny how success doesn't mean as much as I always dreamed it would. What I mean is that I thought that was all I ever wanted or needed to make me happy. I wanted success for so long, but now..." He muttered to himself, looking down at her. She slept on.

"I know what you would say, Caroline. 'You just need to be around other people, Richard.' Well, you're wrong." She didn't argue with him. He stood silent for a moment, thinking. "Actually, you and Cynthia would probably have a lot in common." He ran his hand through his hair.

He felt like he should keep talking to her. He just wasn't sure if it was for her benefit or his. "Maybe you need other people around but I..I don't. I am perfectly happy being alone. I know you tried, but I will never be a people person. I can't change, so believe me, you're better off without me around. So, I should just go and you'll forget about me and I'll forget about you..." Richard sat back down in the chair, reached out and took her hand in his, softly stroking her fingers.

"I think I'll stay for awhile if its alright with you. I just want to make sure you're okay, then I'll go. I promise." His only answer was the beeping sounds of the moniters.


**********


The distant hum of voices and ringing telephones pushed their way through her subconscious, becoming louder. Wrinkling her brow, she tried to place the source of the noise. She knew she wasn't at home in bed and nowhere else made any sense. Slowly, Caroline opened her eyes to a white ceiling. The room she was in was dimly lit. She could see nurses on the other side of large glass windows moving around, their crepe soles squeaking on the linoleum floor. Her eyes swung to the right and took in the moniters, gauges and tubes. Slowly her eyes swiveled to the left and couldn't believe what she saw.

Richard was sitting in a chair next to the bed. His upper body was sprawled across the lower end of the mattress. He was sound asleep, his blond hair hanging over his eyes and his right hand clenching his glasses.

She wanted to reach out her hand and touch him. He was so close. She tried to lift her arm but it felt as if she was buried under a heavy comforter, weighing her down and pulling her towards darkness again.

She told herself he wasn't real anyway. It was just another illusion. After all, things are not always what they seem to be.


Part 11 of 12

Once again the buzzing, beeping and whirring sounds surrounding Caroline slowly pulled her back into the real world. Carefully, she pried open her eyelids again, this time looking directly into Richard's weary, blood shot eyes. She had never seen the tiny worry lines radiating from the corners of his eyes before. Nor the stubble of beard on his chin.

"Richard?" She whispered. She blinked, hoping he was real.

"Hey there...how are you feeling?" He asked gently as he leaned over her.

"I'm not sure. I can't really move. What happened?"

"You were hit by a car yesterday. The doctors said you'll be fine but you have to stay for a few days."

She felt a sudden panic well up inside. "You won't leave again, will you? I looked everywhere but I couldn't find you. I need you, Richard."

"You do?" he whispered as his eyes widened. She tried to maintain a grip on his arm. Familiar voices saying her name could be heard in the hallway outside her room. She held his gaze steady even as the door opened.

Annie and Del were followed by Caroline's parents, everyone talking to her at once. Richard was edged back to the rear wall by the entrance of the visitors but he never broke their eye contact. Caroline was sure everyone else could see the electric current running between them. Or maybe she was imagining that too.

"Caroline honey! I'm so glad you're alright. Annie called us last night and we got here as soon as we could." Her parents faces bobbed in front of her, blocking Richard from her view. She kept trying to crane her neck to look around them to make sure he was still in the room. "The doctors said you could leave in a couple of days and we want to stay with you. You'll need help getting around. I'll cook for you."

"Oh no, Mom. That's okay. You don't have to stay with me." Oh god, not that. She'd be better off staying in the hospital. Both parents staying with her for days on end, fussing over her...

Annie must have recognized her desperation because she immediately spoke up. "That's okay, Mr. and Mrs. Duffy, I'll take care of her. I'm right across the hall. Del can help me and we can...cook...well, maybe get take out food. Whatever, I'm sure we can manage just fine."

Everyone started to argue. Caroline noticed Richard was silent, still leaning against the back wall and watching her. "I think I'd...I'd rather have Richard take care of me if that's okay. I mean, only if he wants to, that is."

Everyone in the room immediately fell silent and turned to look at Richard in shock. He glanced at all their faces, then nodded. Caroline noticed her parents turning to look at her in confusion. Annie just arched one eyebrow and grinned. Everyone started arguing again, getting louder.

"Excuse me everyone, but there are sick people in this hospital that need to rest, including Miss Duffy. I'll have to ask you to leave now." The nurse was holding open the door and waving them out.

Richard stopped at her bedside on the way out of the room. "Are you sure of this?"

She wondered if there was a double meaning behind that question.


**********


During the next two days, Caroline got little rest, thanks to the number of visitors. She was sure the nursing staff would be glad when she finally checked out.

She noticed that each time Richard came to visit, he was escorted by either Annie, Charlie or her parents. Never alone. She tried in vain to catch his eye each time but he would stare at the bed, the machines or the floor. She wondered, not for the first time, how he really felt about her. He never gave anything away. He was definitely the hardest person she had ever gotten to know.


**********


"Caroline, maybe you should have rented a wheelchair. We could have taken turns riding in it." Charlie skated next to her, barely missing the edge of the crutches.

"No, I'm fine, Charlie. I can get around pretty good with these." Entering her apartment, she could only feel happy to finally be home. A hospital was not a place she wanted to spend time in very long. Richard ran upstairs to deposit her overnight bag.

Annie and Del stood awkwardly in the living room. Caroline had felt a strange tension since they had all left the hospital. She couldn't understand what it was all about.

Del looked as if he could contain himself no longer. "Caroline, are you sure you don't want me to stay with you? After all, we have history together and know each other and all..." Del's voice wandered off as he stared hard at Richard coming down the stairs. Annie nudged him roughly in the ribs.

It wasn't the first time she had felt a proprietary treatment from Del when Richard was present. She had first noticed it in the hospital a few days ago. But why now?

"Del, I'll be fine. I'm sure Richard can take good care of me." She lowered herself on the couch, careful of her leg cast.

"Yeah, I'll just bet he will." Del muttered under his breath. Annie pushed him out of the door.

She could just make out Del complaining about something. Then Annie's impatient voice, rising in volume. "Just let it go, Del. Let.It.Go."

Annie stuck her head back around the corner of the door. "Hey, Caroline, don't make any Stefanos right away, 'kay?" She giggled, shutting the door.

"What was that all about?" Richard asked from the kitchen.

"Maybe I'll tell you about it someday." Caroline smiled and watched Richard moving around the kitchen. So far, he had carefully avoided any direct eye contact. "Um, Richard, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about things and I was wondering if I could talk to you..." He looked up from his preoccupation with cleaning down the counter.

"I...I was just thinking how sometimes a person can spend a long time looking for something they *think* they need and they pass up what was best. Then they're sort of forced to look at their life from a different point of view." She stopped and muttered under her breath. "Whether they like it or not."

She noticed that Richard was frozen and looking at the floor with that same lost look as in the art gallery. Maybe this wasn't going so well. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that what a person thinks they want isn't always the right thing. Then they need to rethink their life and do something about it."

She stopped again. This was definitely not what she meant to say. As usual, she was babbling. "I'm not making any sense, am I?"

"Well, Caroline, lucky for you I'm probably the only person in existence that knows exactly what you mean." He walked to the door and reached for his coat. He sounded weary, dejected. "You can do what you want. As I've said before, it's your life. I think I'll go get some food. As usual, there's nothing to eat." He said quietly. She knew she blew it but she wasn't sure how. She was suddenly too tired to think.

"Okay, I think I'll go upstairs and lie down for awhile. I guess I'm tired." She stood up awkwardly from her spot on the couch.

"Caroline, you can't make it up those stairs alone."

"Yes, I can."

"No, you can't." He was starting to get impatient.

"Richard, I can."

"Okay, if you want to so badly, do it." He crossed his arms in front of his chest, frowning. Hobbling with the crutches to the bottom of her stairs, she stopped and looked up, debating on the best way to reach her bedroom. She laid her crutches on the floor and sat on the bottom step. Slowly, she raised her body up backwards using her arms to reach the next step, dragging her leg cast. Pain radiated across her ribs. She had to bite her lip to keep from screaming. She looked up to see Richard just watching her.

"Don't say it, Richard."

He sighed and walked over to her. "At this rate, you won't reach your room until tomorrow." Bending over, he scooped her up in his arms and nearly lost his balance. She threw her arms around his neck, holding on tightly. Their eyes locked again.

"You know, for a little person, you sure are heavy."

"It's the cast." Caroline giggled, keeping a tight grip around his neck and pulling herself closer to him. He looked at her and abruptly averted his eyes.

"Maybe you should consider staying downstairs for the next six weeks." Richard commented in between grunts as he slowly climbed the stairs with his burden.

"I could, but where's the fun in that? Besides, that couch isn't as comfortable as my bed."

Richard gently laid her on the bed. He fluffed pillows, turned back the quilt and turned on lights. Busy work to preoccupy him. Anything to avoid looking at her. Maybe she should try a different approach.

"Richard, I..."

"I'm leaving for the food now. I won't be long. You stay put. No trying to crawl back downstairs."

"But Richard..." He was already halfway down the stairs. She heard the door open and shut.

She looked over at her cat who had followed them upstairs. "Well, that went well, don't you think Salty?" She stared up at the ceiling. This was going to take longer than she originally thought. Well, as her Grandma Duffy used to say, 'some of the best things do'.


**********


Richard finished chopping up the boiled chicken and added it to the soup stock he had simmering on the stove. He reached for the celery and onion. The front door opened and Annie waltzed in. He sighed. He would always be in hell.

"Hey, Ritchie, smells good in here. Whatcha making?"

"Chicken noodle soup. What do you want, Annie?"

"Just checking on Caroline. Making sure you're taking really *good* care of her." She smirked, then realized what he was doing in the kitchen. "You're making soup from scratch? Wow, I am impressed. I didn't know you could cook. Wait til Caroline finds out." He just stared at her, willing her to disappear.

She started up the stairs. "Hey, if I didn't come by and bug you, you would miss it."

He watched her springing up the stairs and wondered if perhaps she was right. He stared down at the knife clenched in his hand. Everything felt so...right? Could that be it? Like puzzle pieces that fit. He looked around the all too familiar apartment and felt something foreign inside. Happiness. That feeling he had spent so many years repressing to keep himself safe from hurt.

God, he was scared. He had the overwhelming feeling that he had set himself up for the biggest hurt of his pathetic life. He had been thinking that maybe his life might still work out okay since that day in the hospital when she woke up and said she needed him. He had let himself believe it and she had been drugged on morphine. He shook his head in disgust with himself. She was obviously trying to tell him just that earlier.

Annie bounced back downstairs. "She's doing just fine. I've got a date so I'll leave you two alone." Annie winked at him. "Oh, by the way, I gave Caroline a bell to ring when she needed anything." A small tinkling could be heard from the bedroom. "Please, don't thank me." Annie laughed on her way out the door. Richard closed his eyes in pain as the bell rang again.


Part 12 of 12


"Wow, Richard, this looks great." Caroline was propped against the pillows on her bed. Richard laid the tray across her lap and took the bell out of her hand.

"Why don't I just put this over here?" He set it out of her reach and sat down next to her.

Caroline laughed. "I'm sorry. I guess I shouldn't have rung it so much. It's just that I was lonely, I guess."

"Oh, I don't mind running up and down the stairs a dozen times. I'll just consider it my penance for your awful trip to Los Angeles."

Caroline reached out and held his arm. "Richard, it's okay. It wasn't your fault. Hey, stay with me awhile." She was watching his face for a clue to what he was thinking or feeling. As usual, his features were closed down and unreadable. She didn't want to let go of his arm.

"I..I..I was just thinking about how I don't really know much about you, Richard. Even after working together for two years. You know, personal stuff." She took a spoonful of soup.

Richard looked away across the room. "Why do you want to know anything about me?"

Here it was. The opening she needed. All she had to do was say it. She had laid in the hospital bed for two days rehearsing various lines, different scenarios. Played out in her mind, it was perfect. They would run into each others arms, kiss and live happily ever after. That was a fantasy, but she was looking at reality. Facing him now, she could suddenly envision his sarcasm and greater detachment from her. She sat staring at him, silent, appetite gone.

He turned to look at her, his eyes softening. "Okay, Caroline. What do you want to know? One free question."

"Oh. Well, I just wondered about general things, you know, like, would you ever run off and get married?"

He blinked. Twice. "What??"

"You know, elope?" She repeated.

"No, I wouldn't. Caroline, marriage is the most important life-altering decision a person could ever make. Do you really think *I* would rush into something like that? Only guys like Del do that."

"Well, at least guys like him do that the first two times." she smiled at him. "I..I just don't know what you would do. Maybe you would if it were someone special, like, uh, Julia?" She knew she was now treading in dangerous territory.

"Julia...Julia? Caroline, I haven't seen her in years. Why in the world would I run off and marry her? And what brought up her name?"

She bit her lip and looked down at the tray in her lap. "I don't know..." She said softly. "I guess I was wondering about her because she was the love of your life. You know, sincere amore. I just remember when you first told me about her."

He sat silent for several moments. "Look, Caroline, Julia seemed like that to me at the time. Even two years ago, I still thought that. But things change. People change. She is not the love of my life. I really don't even believe in sincere amore anymore."

They sat staring at each other. Caroline felt a sudden sadness for him. Few things in his life had been good and she knew she couldn't do anything to change it even though she had tried more than a few times. And that was exactly what had happened again. She had stuck her nose where it didn't belong. Hadn't she learned anything?

"Oh god, Richard, I'm sorry. Just forget I said anything. Your life is your business and I have no right to interfere. It won't happen again."

"It won't?" As he said that, she watched emotions of puzzlement, understanding and then sadness wash over his face. Just as quickly, he closed down again. It happened so fast she wasn't even sure of what she saw.

"I should let you sleep. Don't you want any pain medication?"

"No. I feel pretty good. I don't want to take any pills." Caroline was desperately trying to think of a way to keep him in her room but suddenly realized how tired she was again.

"You know, the pain medication they gave you is going to wear off soon and you're going to need to take something." Richard was standing over her, rattling the presciption bottle.

"No, nothing. I don't take drugs stronger than Tylenol." As soon as the words left her lips, she regretted it. Richard clamped his lips together and looked down. "I'm sorry Richard..."

They looked at each other.

"Well, so..."

"So..." Caroline could feel the heavy tension between them. After two years of friendship, this was definitely nothing she had ever noticed before.

"Um, goodnight then. If you need anything, just yell. I'll be down on the couch." He nervously pointed downstairs as he headed towards the door.

"Right. See you in the morning, Richard."

**********

Somehow Caroline had found herself back at the airport. At least, she thought it must be the airport. Everything was so hazy, out of focus. She could see Richard walking ahead of her carrying a duffle bag. She tried calling out to him but her voice was gone. She tried running to catch up to him but each step was sluggish.

Suddenly he stopped and turned, looking at her. He was smiling broadly. Her first thought was how different he looked, how carefree and handsome. Just as she reached out her hand to him, another woman magically appeared next to him. As Caroline watched in shock, the woman wrapped her arm through his and together they walked through a doorway.

"Richard, come back! Don't go..." She could feel the panic as she reached the closed door. She raised her fists and pounded, screaming. "Please, come back. Richard...Richard.."

"It's too late, Caroline. You didn't tell him. You're too late." Caroline turned her head to the side. Annie was holding her arm. She yelled for him again, ignoring Annie.

"Caroline, he's not coming back. You blew it. He's gone." She turned her head the opposite way. Del was yanking on her other arm, twisting and tugging.

"Come on, you know you want to go home, Caroline." Annie and Del were both pulling on her, twisting and yanking her arms. She started to cry. The pain in her arms and legs were as bad as the pain in her heart. Why wouldn't they just let her go? She had to catch up to him and tell him she loved him.

Caroline broke loose from their grips and ran to the door. As she watched in horror, it shrunk smaller and smaller until it was only inches high.

"Noooo...Richard, don't go!" She started to sob uncontrollably, dropping to her knees.


**********


Richard lay on the couch and stared off into the darkness. So much had happened in the last few days. Not only had he actually sold his work, but he nearly lost someone he loved dearly. Somehow, his own safe, predictable world had turned upside down.

One conclusion was glaringly obvious...he was not getting past his feelings for Caroline. The act of repression that once was so easy to summon up worked no longer. Even with physical distance between them, the personal feelings persisted. He knew without a doubt that no matter how far he ran, he would always return.

Caroline had definitely changed. He was still getting over the shock of her apology for interfering in his life. It won't happen again? What in the world had happened to her in the last few weeks? Maybe it was just the nice Caroline way of saying 'you won't be in my life anyway.'

He lay on the couch in sleepless, abject misery. The emotional upheaval of the last two days was playing out in his head. Why couldn't he have a simple, unemotional life? Salty jumped up on his chest and calmly started to lick his face. His life had come full circle. He groaned.

His ears picked up some low moan. He sat up and listened. There it was again, coming from the direction of Caroline's room. It sounded like his own name. He bolted up the stairs, two at a time.

With the moonlight shining into the room, he could see Caroline thrashing around in her bed, sobbing. She was calling out his name. He shook her by her shoulders.

"Caroline, wake up. You're having a nightmare." She opened her eyes, yelling again, wild eyed. He climbed onto the bed and sat next to her.

"Caroline, it's okay. Wake up." This time her eyes focused on him. She sat up and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him close. He slowly put his arms around her.

"Richard, don't leave...I know you will...but don't...I can't..please..do you...I mean.." She stopped and sniffled. Richard pulled away long enough to grab a box of kleenex. He shook out two pain pills and handed them to her with a glass of water.

She smiled at him with bleary eyes. "I mean...I love you, Richard." She said softly. "I keep having these dreams that I'll never see you again. I don't want that to come true." She started crying again.

Richard stared at her in shock. He gently wiped away the tears running down her face. "Please don't cry. I'm not going to leave. I can't. Believe me."

She reached a hand up to the side of his face, caressing him. She kissed him softly. Pulling back, she watched his frozen face. "Richard, are you breathing?"

"Uh huh." He gulped, trying to pull in oxygen. "Caroline, there must be a dozen reasons why this wouldn't work." Caroline kissed him again. "Okay, maybe just a couple of reasons." He mumbled against her lips.

He pulled back to look at her face, unable to believe what had just happened. Her smile lit up her eyes looking back at him. He remembered his first day in her life and wondered, not for the first time, about destiny. Slowly he pulled her towards him, his nose grazing her cheek as he kissed her again. He actually smiled for the first time in a long while.

Caroline started to yawn then laughed lightly. "Sorry I'm so tired. It's not you, Richard. Can you stay with me awhile? At least until I fall asleep?"

He laid back on the pillows and pulled her gently onto his shoulder. She wrapped her arm across his chest. He held her snugly against him, too afraid to move. His world had spun completely out of his control.

"Caroline, are you sure? I'm afraid I'll drive you away like everyone else and then I'll lose my best friend. I don't think I could handle that."

Caroline raised her head up slightly from his shoulder to look at his face. "I'm your best friend?"

"Yes, you are. Most definitely." He murmured.

She laughed. "And I thought I just drove you crazy."

"Yes, you do. Most definitely." He smiled at the ceiling.

"I'm sure you won't drive me away, Richard or it would have happened long ago." She started mumbling, sleepily.

He raised his head and kissed the top of her head. "I love you Caroline. I think I always have." He felt her arm tighten around him.

"Why didn't you ever tell me before now?"

He laughed shortly. "Well, let's see. When I first met you, you and Del were dating. Then you broke up, then you got back together, broke up, together." He sighed. "When you were going to marry him, I decided to leave town."

"Ohhhh." It was the sound of someone who had finally understood something. "But when you came back..."

"When I came back, you were being mauled by the pubescent veterinarian. Not a pretty sight."

"Mauled? He wasn't...well, okay, maybe he was. He was young. But after that, after I broke up with Joe, why didn't you say anything then?"

Richard was quiet for awhile. "By then, I knew what kind of guy you wanted and it wasn't a starving artist with a bad attitude. So I said nothing."

"As you said, people change. I've changed a lot. All I want is to be the love of your life." She said softly.

"Oh, you are, Caroline. You are." He could hear her breathing slowing down, becoming deeper.

Richard knew everything would be different from now on. He realized he felt terrified, excited and happy...an unheard of combination for him. They had a lot of talking to do, something he was unaccustomed to doing but he knew Caroline would work on that. Oh god, would she. His life would be hell.

He smiled again.

He could feel the warmth of her body radiating into him as she lay with her head on his chest. He tightened his arms around her and watched the bedroom ceiling as the dark shadows ebbed and flowed, then slowly chased to the far corners with the sunlight of a new day.


The End