Oh, the song is "Breathing" by Lifehouse in case you're wondering. I don't claim any rights to it or to Weiss.
I can't say that everything has been okay lately. In fact it's all been everything but okay lately. It all started a month ago. Actually, some things started and some things finished and other things ended. Other things just left all together.
I snapped. After years of the killing, years of lies, years of blood, I finally snapped. I don't remember that night well. I do remember certain things up to a point but after that I don't remember a thing. All I know is that we were on a mission. It was some sick twisted bastard who liked to mutilate teenaged girls and young women. By far one of the worst we had ever seen and we've seen most of the worst.
I've been told what happened to me that night.
I had gone for the kill of the main target. I remember the body falling limp and dead to the ground. I had looked up and seen a young girl on the desk in that was in front of him. We were too late to save her. She was dead, mutilated and almost beyond recognition. I remember staring down at her dead body thinking she must have been no more than 14. Her life so tragically taken away from her at such an age. I remember feeling upset, and this intense feeling of anger that although I had killed her killer, I felt that she still needed some justice. The years of killing flooded into my mind. The people I have slaughtered because no one else could. All I could see were the lifeless bodies of their victims. All I could see were their stories in the papers about how their bodies were found and how brutal their killer was. I remember my mind was screaming.
I've been told I was screaming. Omi apparently approached me to try to help me. See what the matter was. I had turned and looked at him with a look of murder, hate, anger and vengeance. I wanted blood. I threw myself at him. Knocking him to the floor. I landed on top of him and hit him, several times apparently. The others ran to his aid, to pull me off of him. To protect him. I fought all of them hard. They had no idea what was going on with me. They tried to talk to me, to see what was happening. I wouldn't answer them though. I was staring at them like they were all strangers. They were finally able to knock me out. They rushed me home and immediately called Manx. She arrived within minutes with a doctor. They told her what happened. With the aid of the doctor they removed me from the Koneko and placed me here. Their private psychiatric hospital and here I've sat for the past month.
I'm finding my way back to sanity again
It's been an interesting month here. Talking with the doctor's. Talking with my teammates who come to visit me. Omi, who despite what I did to him, brings me flowers to cheer me up and talks to me in his chipper way. Although I've never apologized for what I did to him I think he knows I'm sorry.
Kritiker wants me to take a rest apparently. Even once I'm out of here. They don't want me working again until they're sure that nothing like this will happen again, at least not for a long time. They want me in the Koneko though. They want me there so the others can watch over me, take care of me and report back to them on how I'm doing. They didn't tell me that but I got that impression from my discussion with Manx and Birman. They told me they wanted me back there so I'd be in a familiar surrounding and be able to keep up to date with what is going on with my team members. I don't know what I'll do with myself though if I can't do the missions at night with the others.
Though I don't really know what
I'm gonna do when I get there
Part of me is quite upset at myself for what happened. For the snapping, for the disappearing so suddenly from everyone's daily life. I don't like that I lost control but I suppose it was bound to happen at some point. I try to be such a controlled person and I failed at that.
When I said that some things had started, finished and ended I meant it. What started? Well my life here at this hospital. The nightmares started. I've woken up many a night screaming from dreams full of blood, death and murder. Those ones don't terrify me as much as they should. It's the ones of my family that scare me the most. I only met my mother's brother three times in my lifetime. I was young when I did. I don't really remember meeting him but my dreams have been of him. Of me being young again and him coming into my room when I'm already in bed. I feel scared and don't remember exactly what happened but I remember my mother finding out and I never saw him again.
I wake from those dreams screaming, covered in a fine sweat, my heart racing. I wake from these dreams much like I wake from the dreams, nightmares really, I would have before this hold incident. Back when I was still in the Koneko. For the longest time I would sit in bed and hug my knees to my chest wide-awake and unable to get back to sleep.
And take a breath and hold on tight
I did that for the longest time. That was until I had someone to comfort me in the night. Sadly I think that's one of the things that has finished and ended.
Spin around one more time
When I would wake up from my nightmares two weeks before I was admitted to this hospital I had Yoji to comfort me. He'd wrap his arms around me until I stopped shaking.
And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace
He would lie there and listen to me when I wanted to speak. I can still remember the first time it happened. It wasn't the last time it happened either but as those two weeks went by they happened less and less. Instead of every night it went to every other night or even further apart. Unfortunately I think my admittance to here has ended anything I ever had with him.
TBC
So minna-san, what did you think? I'd love to hear what you have to say!