Not sure if this should be an M or T but please bear in mind it contains themes of self harm. Know that if you are struggling you don't have to it alone! Feel free to contact me and I will talk to you :)

It's nearing the end of stage 1 training and I'm sure that the initiates are beginning feeling the undeniable pressure. I wander through the corridors occasionally bumping into people, the majority of whom are on their way to dinner. I find myself outside the initiate dorms. No one should be inside so I open the door to check that they have been keeping it clean otherwise I will let Eric shout at them later. The majority of the beds are made and only a few items of clothes lay discarded the floor. I walk towards the bathroom area and can hear a shower running.

I look along the line of shower cubicles and notice one locked at the far end.
"Out the shower" I order the person in my harsher training voice. The water shuts off and the cubical is unlocked. Tris steps out tentatively a wet twol wraped securely round her small frame, wet hair hanging limp around her face.
"You need to be at dinner" I tell her.
"I'm sorry, I wasn't hungry" her arms hug her body, presumably to keep her warm.
"You need to eat three proper meals a day whether you are hungry or not. We can have people fainting." I tell her sternly.
"I'll go now" she says quietly but doesn't dismiss herself. I look back at her arms and notice a line of blood running down to her elbow.

"You're bleeding" I gesture to her elbow. Her face says it all, she knows. I carefully take hold of both her wrists and pull them out towards me. Both her forearms are marked with dozens of angry red lines, the majority of which are bleeding.
"Get changed" I say calmly and let go of her arms. What would drive her to this, I know training isn't easy but for someone to take a sharp object to their skin - there must be a deeper problem. She exits the cubical in a long sleeve shirt and jeans. Her hair has been quickly tied up into a bun but still remains wet.
"Follow me" I almost whisper.
"Please, Four, don't chuck me out, I'll stop." She says pleading but I walk anyway. She follows always a couple of paces behind.

We arrive back at my room and I open the door to let her in first.
"Take a seat" I point to the edge of my bed and she sits. I go into my bathroom and seek out my antiseptic cream and bandages before taking them out into my living area. I carefully take a seat on the bed next to her.
"Sleeves up" I direct and she complies. First I rub a generous layer of cream into the offending lines. She winces.
"Sorry" she looks away.
"It's fine." I try to reassure her. I finish rubbing in the cream and the move to bandage her arms up.
"How did it get this bad Tris?" I ask
"I doubt you really care" I notice a few tears beginning to travel down her face.
"You know I could have sent you to the doctor and forgotten all about it."
"Thanks for not doing that" with the arm I have finished bandaging she reaches up to wipe at her tears.
"There must be more to these than training." I try again to get it out if her.

"My head isn't a great place to live. You know as a child you think that monsters hide under your bed or in the closet, but as you get older it becomes obvious they really prefer to dominate your brain, to dictate your every thought. I'm terrified that if I try my hardest I still won't be good enough. Just like in Abnegation when my brother was the high standard that I could never meet." She tries to avoid my eye contact but I reach my hand under her chin to make her look at me.
"How long Tris?"
"Probably about two years now. In Abnegation it was easy to hide them, long sleeves all year round. But here it's much more difficult, sharing a room with all the other initiates, short sleeves being more practical for hot days, hand to hand combat. Someone was bound to see them soon." She tells me honestly.
"I need you to promise me that you will try to stop" I tell her softly. She nods. "If Eric finds out he is unlikely to let you stay. I need you to stop."
"I'll try" she looks directly at me for the first time he light blue eyes full of pain. I let go of her face and carefully pull down her sleeves so they cover the bandages.
"I'll see you tomorrow morning" I tell her as she stands up.
"Thank you" she says timidly before closing my door behind her. I hope she stops.

-

As soon as I leave the control room I can hear the chasm roaring. There is something about its constant flow that always has the ability to calm me. I hear a high pitched scream and before I can register it I am running. I find the source by the segment of the railings known for 'accidents'. Peter and Al have a figure held against the bar, Tris. My first instinct is to get her to safety and do whatever damage is necessary to the other initiates. I look around me and find Peter, Drew, Al and Tris on the floor. I scoop her up, being as careful as possible and run back to my apartment.

I settle her on my bed, carefully remove her shoes and make myself a coffee in my makeshift kitchen. It's the early hours of the morning before she wakes. She sits upright her eyes darting around my apartment.
"Tris its fine, your safe" I sit near her on the bed. Her shirt was ripped badly in the fight and now hangs loosely around her neck. I get up, grab one of my long sleeve tops and hand it to her.
"It will probably be quite big on you but will do for now"
"Thank you" she mumbles and puts the shirt on. I watch her as one of her hands pushes the sleeve up and she starts subconsciously picking her old cuts.
"Tris" I place my hand over hers and the picking stops. "I am going to re-bandage your arms then take you back to the dormitory"
"I can't go back there" she looks up at me.
"You are strong Tris, stay close to Christina, you know where I am if you need me." She gives a slight nod.

I quickly grab the things I need from my bathroom and bring them back to the bed. Silently she allows me to coat her arms in cream and tightly bandage them.
"Why do you do all this" she asks as I pull her sleeves over the bandages. "Like you said the first time, you could have just taken me to the doctor and let them deal with me." A small collection of tears pool around her eyes so I reach over and gently wipe them.
"I care Tris, I hate seeing you in this pain." She places her hand over mine.
"You are only going to get hurt, when something gets too much and I relapse"
"I will be here ready to talk be it 3 in the morning, the middle of training or any other conceivable time." I lift her hand to my lips.
"Let's go back to the dorms I'm sure your friends will be looking for you" she nods and moves to the edge of the bed to put on her shoes.
"Thank you, Four" she looks so small and fragile in my large shirt.
"Tobias" I say quietly
"Tobias? Tobias Eaton, Marcus' son?" I nod at her realisation.
"I would appreciate it if it was kept between us" she fits her fingers in the gaps between mine.
"Promise" she squeezes my hand.

We walk along holding hands until Tris lets go about 200 meters from her dorm.
"Between us" she stops and looks up at me.
"For now" I regret saying this but we can't publicly be together, not yet. "I need you to do something for me that you might not like" she looks quizzically at me. "Bring to me whatever you where cutting yourself with. I don't what them to be the cause of your relapse" she looks up at me with slight determination.
"I'll be back in 5" I lightly grab her hand as she walks away to let her know I am here. It's not easy nor is it going to be easy anytime soon but I need her to know I am here for her whenever she needs it not just when it's convenient. She walks with her head down back to me and slowly hands me a pair of socks.
"Promise me you won't get rid of them just yet." She looks scared of the lack of comfort that these objects seem to bring her.
"Promise" I quickly look around before placeing a fleeting kiss on her forehead. "Be brave Tris." I whisper to her as she turns to leave again.

-

A persistent knocking breaks my sleep. At first it sounds like the room above but I quickly realise it is my door. I stumble out if bed and edge it open the door. Tris practically falls into my arms so I hold her tight. After kicking the door shut I half carry her across to my bed and sit her down with me.
"Sorry, I didn't want to wake you." She cries. I pull her into my lap and kiss her hair.
"Its fine, I'm here"
"Can I just have them back please, I can't do it anymore, why did he kill himself, it's my fault, I don't deserve you or anyone." She buries her face in the crook of my neck.
"It's not your fault he jumped, you didn't tell him too. Tris look at me, you do deserve me, and you deserve your friends." I try and calm her.
"Please Tobias, can I have them back." She looks at me with longing.
"Tris you are stronger than them"
"Tobias I need them back, please" her crying has stopped and she genuinely believes this will solve her problems. I hate seeing her like this, broken into a million pieces, so damaged even a tight embrace wouldn't put her back together again.

I carefully slide if the bed from under her and pick up the socks that she gave me earlier. I undo the socks and the small sharp blades fall into my hand. I sit down next to her and hand her the blades.
"If you really want to cut yourself, then you're going to take my arm, look me in the eyes, and cut me as many times as you would yourself." I push up my sleeve and hold my arm ready.
"I can't, I couldn't hurt you like that" she looks up at me.
"Do you get it; every time you hurt yourself you hurt me. I hate seeing you like this." I tell her and she hands me the blades back. I place them back with the socks and deposit them on the floor.

I take hold of her wrists and carefully push up her now un-bandaged arms. Some of the scabs have been picked recently at but then majority are healing nicely.
"We can get through this" I lean down and kiss some of the soon to be scars on her arms.
"We?" She says quietly.
"Yes, I am here for you Tris, we will get through it, find ways of dealing with triggers."
"Why would you want to help?"
"Because I never had someone when I needed them. I had to do it myself, and trust me that's hard." I whisper out the end if the sentence.
"Sorry" she mumbles.
"For what Tris?"
"Nearly relapsing, for not being strong enough."
"Tris, you are probably the strongest person I know, I think sometimes people underestimate how much strength it takes to bring a blade to your skin. To burry your feelings in a bid to protect others. You are strong Tris, don't let anyone tell you otherwise." I reach down and place a soft kiss on her lips.
"It will be alright in the end."

Thank you to anyone who read this please know that if you are facing your own demons please, if you need a chat, message me and I will reply. Know that you are loved and valued!

To those who follow me as an author 'Quiet' it on its way but I am trying to write a few chapters before I post it as I know that the next few months of my life are going to be hectic and then you can have frequent updates!

SpellStrike xxx