Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ.
Italicized parts are flashbacks. There are two. Quite humorous, I must say.
Oh, and I know some of you may love the VOICE, but sadly, it does not make an appearance. Sorry, VOICE :( (Why exactly did I start referring to it in all capital letters again?... I don't know...)
Well, this is the third and final oneshot in the Gone Fishing Trilogy. It is, as usual, a Random Humorous Oneshot. I don't have anything else to say up here, so the rest of the little author's note go at the end.
Gone Fishing 3: Link's Final Stand
Now that Ganondorf had been taken care of, both by Link and the VOICE, Hyrule was quickly recovering, leaving Link and Midna to do whatever they felt like doing while an unfortunate Zelda oversaw repairs to her castle. On this particular day, Link and Midna were in Ordon, specifically the little shore at the back of the lake at the end of the Ordon River. And once again, Link was trying to fish.
"You should have seen your face!" A now-uncursed Midna was saying, laughing and leaning back. Link grunted and ignored the now much-taller Twili. He had not gotten over the loss of his Ganondorfish, and Midna had used it against him ruthlessly all week, especially after she revealed that Ganondorf hadn't actually been part fish and that Link had technically practiced cannibalism.
"My poor gullible hero," Midna said, voice overflowing with solemnity. "How could you have fallen for that?!" she cackled, royal decorum thrown away.
"Quiet, Midna, you're scaring the fish," Link grumbled, baiting his hook and tossing the line in the water.
"Link, what makes you think you'll be able to catch one?" Midna said sweetly.
"I've caught Reekfish before! Goddesses know they're the toughest to catch."
"Nah, Morpheel was tougher," Midna said cheerfully, feeling the need to bring up that particular failure.
"He was a giant fish-thing! We were in a water temple! What was I supposed to think?!" Link said angrily, making the fish scatter.
Noticing this, Midna laughed again. "And you said I'd scare away the fish. But anyway, Link, you got that Clawshot for a reason. And then, shortly after you gave up on Morpheel, you had another disaster..."
"Link, stop trying to get a Bombfish! Swim after Morpheel and stab his eye!" an irate shadowy Midna screamed, scared for Link because of the very, very, very, very, very large fish he was fighting.
"Would you wait a second?" Link said angrily, bubbles flying out his mask. He tossed the rod towards the nearest Bombfish. Due to the fact that he was underwater, the line traveled all of six inches towards the fish. Nonetheless, every single Bombfish in the giant boss room swam for the bait as if it was a magnet. However, the second they touched it, they all began to sizzle and glow orange.
"Oh no..."
BOOM!
Simultaneously, the Bombfish exploded, injuring Link and sending him careening through several currents in the room; the ones caused by the explosions, the one's left in Morpheel's wake, the ones following the collapse of several of the towers, and the natural ones caused by the lake. However, the muted sound and vibrations alerted Morpheel, who had been swimming around rather blindly. The giant fish made a turn towards Link, and before the hero could comprehend his situation, Morpheel was right behind him, sucking in enormous amounts of water.
"Goddesses help me!!!"
"Oh, Link, you can be such a naïve buffoon..." Midna muttered.
"Alright, I only got sucked into its mouth once!" Link snapped.
Midna sighed. "Look, Link, you should just accept the fact that you can't catch a fish unless it's absolutely necessary. That Reekfish was probably the result of divine intervention."
"Like the Goddesses would care about a stinking Reekfish," Link muttered, sulking as he stared into the water, waiting for a fish to attack the hook.
--
High up in the Sacred Realm, a certain goddess heard these words.
"He's on to us!" Farore shrieked.
"I wonder why," Din said, rolling her eyes.
"Well, YOU do something about it!" Nayru said. "You control life! I warned you not to make it too obvious we helped him!"
--
"OK, let's see," Midna said, started to get annoyed. "First you tried to eat Skullfish when you got stuck in the Lakebed Temple. After that, you tried to catch Jaw's big brother, which was even worse than the Bombfish. Then you tried to get Bombfish, which backfired big time...literally. Then you caught a Reekfish, and immediately tried to eat it, resulting in you vomiting for hours on end and delaying our progress to Snowpeak, and when we finally got there, you just had to try a portion of Yeto's Reekfish, making you even sicker! Not long after, you decided to take a break from the hero business and go to Hena's Fishing Hole in search of the great Hylian Loach, which, as you know, resulted in many, many unpleasant happenings that day. And then, you tried to catch Ganondorf and eat him, and you know what happened then."
Link growled, "Never mention Hena again."
"Aw, still sore over that?" Midna said playfully, elbowing the sulking Hylian.
"Hi! Welcome to Hena's Fishing Hole! How may I help you?"
"Um, hi," Link said. " I wanted to rent a boat to go fishing. I want to try and catch a Hylian Loach."
"You're going to need skill, patience, and a guide if you want to have a shot at catching one of those rare beauties," Hena said. "And all of those can be yours for a mere 100 Rupees!"
"That's a fortune!" Link exclaimed.
"That's the price. Take it or leave it," Hena said.
"Fine," Link grumbled, pulling out an orange Rupee.
"Alright, let's get going!" Hena said, picking up one end of the canoe and leading Link, carrying the rear, out the door.
For the better part of a day, Link and Hena rowed around the fishing hole, Link trying and failing to catch any sort of fish at all, much less a Hylian Loach. And Hena wasn't helping anything.
"This lure sucks!" Link said, fishing through the bags for another.
"Then may I suggest the flashing lure? It shines lights, which attracts attention, drawing the fish to it, which allows you to catch them. Or how about this one, or this one, or this one..."
"All these lures suck!" Link grumbled, pulling out his own rod.
Hena smacked him. "You use my equipment in my boat!" she said.
"But the fish hate your lures!"
That earned the hero another smack.
Link had had just about enough around sunset. As stealthily as he could, he reached through his pockets and drew out a secret weapon, which he had fished earlier in the day: the Sinking Lure. He was just about to attach it to the rod, when...
"Sinking Lures are ILLEGAL!"
The lure was off the line and flying far away into the pond before Link could blink. And before he had a chance to turn around and complain, Hena's oar met the right side of his head. And then the left.
"How else am I supposed to catch anything at this Goddess-damned, rigged, cheapskate puddle of a fishing hole?!" Link roared, turning around to face Hena.
Which, of course, earned him two more smacks to the face with the paddle and a trip overboard.
"That fish bitch is a psycho! She overprices everything, and I'm sure that within her hidden agenda lies making catching a fish impossible! And what's more, I lost my Sinking Lure because of her!"
"The only thing you ever managed to catch, because it wasn't a fish. Try to avoid Zoras anyway, okay, Link?"
"You're not helping, Midna. I will catch an Ordon Catfish.
"Yeah, well, let me know if you ever accomplish that," said Midna, yawning and standing up. "It's late; I'm going now. Hey, Link?"
"Yeah?" Link said, rather impatiently.
"I'm sorry about being so rude, okay? You're a really good friend, you know that?"
As frustrated as he was, Link paused at Midna's change in attitude. "Yeah. I know. You're a good friend too."
"Good luck, Link. And... I... I'll see you later."
Link looked up at Midna at the hesitant, sad tones in her voice, but she was looking off into the sunset.
"See ya later, Midna," Link said, unnerved by the direction of the conversation.
Without turning around, Midna sort of gasp-coughed, and ran off towards Link's house, where Link had set up a temporary guest room in the basement.
Link followed her with his eyes until she disappeared in the trees, and turned back to the pond.
Midnight found Link, adorned with a blue ribbon, trudging back to his house in a little victory dance, softly singing to himself. In one hand was his rod. In the other... was a whopping 32 inch Ordon Catfish, first prize in the Ordon Fishing Contest.
Link opened the door wide and crawled down the ladder to the basement. "Midna?" he asked the darkness, swinging his lantern around. He walked over to the makeshift bed, but found the covers neat, unoccupied, and topped with a little note.
Frowning, Link picked it up and read it by the firelight:
Dear Link,
By the time you are reading this, I will already be back in the Twilight Realm, with the Mirror destroyed.
I cannot allow what happened with Zant to happen ever again. Plagues should not be allowed to seep from one world into another, and I want to prevent the possibility from ever happening. Shadow and light can't mix, and even though Zelda is telling me that shadow and light are two sides of the same coin...I just couldn't bear it if Hyrule suffered on account of the Twilight Realm again. Our sorrows are ours and ours alone.
I'm really going to miss you, Link. I'm going to miss Hyrule and Zelda and Epona and all your friends and everyone we met along the way and all the days we spent together, but I'm going to miss you the most. I'm certain Hyrule will do fine, with someone like Zelda leading it, and someone like you to protect it. I'm sure you two won't do too bad.
Thanks again for helping save my kingdom from Zant, and I hope you catch your fish! If we ever meet again, let me know how that went! Although I highly doubt we will.
Link, I'm so sorry it has to be like this. But it's just the way it has to be. Goodbye, Link.
From your friend forever, Midna.
Link's hand trembled as he read the note. "Midna..." he whispered. "I never got to tell you... that I won the Fishing Championship... GODDESSES WHY?!"
The amount of restraint it took to make it non-Midlink.... was incredible. but I'm glad I remained impartial in that regard. Romance is one of my epic failures, so I'm sure no one would have appreciated the effort. Yeah, that did get kind of angtsy...sorry... truth be told I didn't know I had it in me...
Ah! Faedra369 pointed out that having Midna must be bad luck for Link's fishing! This is true; I hadn't noticed before...
The 'naive buffoon" thing is an inside joke (because we made plans, Din. And Farore-RIGGED!).
Yes, I do find Hena quite annoying in that she won't allow you to use Sinking Lures, but I do not think she is, as I made Link put it, a "fish bitch". It sort of rhymes, which is why I did it.
I want to know if this final oneshot was as good as the other ones, particularly the flashbacks, which are my longest to date. Constructively crticize, people. I don't improve if you can't tell me how to! Come on, Give me what you've got, as long as it's not flames. Flames are pointless.
Ah yes, this plot bunny inspired another, but unlike this trilogy, it will be a RHS- A Random Humorous Story. Just think: Humor more than one chapter long! When it's up, I will have a note in the very first chapter.
I love fish. But I'm not allowed to eat them for a month because apparently I'm so light that I can't eat too much before having too much natural mercury in my blood... Salmon and Tilapia and Flounder and Tuna rock! As does shrimp.
I'll stop rambling now! Review! --Blue.