A/N: So…this got dark. And badly written. Ah, well...TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. I do not own 'Supernatural'. Please (I don't think enjoy is the right word) be entertained and review if you want to. P.S. I am very happy to provide someone to vent to if you're having thoughts similar to what I imagine Dean is having in early Series 2. This is the night after 'Croatoan'.
Fix It Tomorrow
Dean jerks awake, spring green eyes wide in the luminescent light of 4:02am. His head whips to the side, checking to see if his brother is awake; he isn't. Sighing quietly, Dean collapses back against the scratchy motel sheets. He'd been dreaming. Or was it a nightmare? A memory? All three? It's a thought, that's for certain. Or multiple. They barge in to his whirlwind of a mind, trash the place further then screams at the top of their lungs "WHAT IF?"
What if the disease passed after a few hours and Dean shot those people for nothing?
What if the whole town had been dragged to Hell and they did nothing about it?
What if Sammy was immune because…he had demon blood?
Dean flips over in bed, kneading his forehead as if he could beat the darkness down. It doesn't work- his doubts merely skitter away in to the shadows, snickering at his pain.
Then, slithering up his battered ribcage from some dark pit below his heart, comes the most intimate, the most earth shattering of the thoughts.
Where did I go wrong?
When- Dean wonders as he lies in bed, just as awake as the shadows slowly seeping across the walls- did he trade in his humanity to fight the inhumane?
Sure, he always knew that he would kill for his family; it was his best kept, bitter secret and he hates them for it as much as his love drives its creation, but… God, when did the connection break between his conscience and the gun? When did he become the twisted judge of whose life to keep and save?
Was it when he ruled his guilty as charged?
Probably, he decides.
Dean doesn't sleep again that night.
He'll fix himself tomorrow. Or today- it doesn't matter, because every hour, minute and second he lives is time he shouldn't have.
It's okay, though. He'll fix it, or if not…something else will. Someday. Soon.