Chapter 1

The heat was unbearable.

The physical labor she could handle, after all she wasn't a particularly frail woman so this much wasn't a problem. The perpetual dampness of her clothes was tolerable, if uncomfortable. Even the way the chemical cleaner and water seemed to seep into her every pore wasn't too bad. The heat however, was another thing. Working in a kitchen is by its very nature a hot and dirty job, but most people don't realize that the hottest place in most kitchens is where they wash dishes.

Ikezawa Hanako however was intimately familiar with this singular fact.

With a slight grunt she pushed up on the handle that held in place the sliding door of the industrial dishwasher she was tending. It was her job to keep it constantly loaded and unloaded throughout the evening, a never ending line of dirty and then clean dishes parading past her for hours. She turned her head to the side and reached into the machine with both arms, the steam from the incredibly hot water causing rivulets of sweat to appear on her brow. At least, she thought it was sweat – it might actually be some sort of condensation, she wasn't entirely sure. She pulled a rack out from the machine, being careful not to touch the hot metal walls so as not to burn herself and started yet another iteration of unloading and loading dishes.

"At least this isn't the worse job I've ever had," she mused to herself.

Sure, it wasn't well regarded and the pay was pretty poor and yes, the working conditions left a lot to be desired, but as someone who had only a highschool education and her obvious physical impairments, it was pretty close to the best she could do. Modern day Japan after all was still a society that had trouble dealing with people like her and only a few jobs were available for someone who couldn't be seen by customers, lest they start to feel uncomfortable.

It would seem odd to a non-Japanese, but Hanako didn't particularly lament her fate or blame the customers or even society for her limited opportunities. Even though she didn't mean to make people upset and even though it did hurt her when they would look away or pretend she wasn't there to avoid seeing her, she knew that it was ultimately her own fault for being as ugly as she was. Like any ordinary Japanese person she merely accepted that this couldn't be helped, so she did the best she could to simply stay as invisible as she could manage. Things were easier for everyone that way.

Hanako finished loading the huge industrial behemoth for another round of washing and then looked around for her water jug. She kept a large plastic thermos, the kind you would bring to a picnic, filled with water and ice by her side when she worked. It wasn't just a nicety for someone with her condition, it was a necessity. As a child she had sustained severe burning to about a third of her body. The burns had been so deep that they had entirely destroyed the epidermis and in doing so impaired her ability to sweat. It was another unfortunate part of her condition, but when working in an environment like this kitchen, if she didn't keep herself constantly hydrated with cool water, she was likely to overheat and pass out. It had happened before and she didn't want to inconvenience her employer by letting it happen again.

Hanako allowed herself a small moment to relax. She didn't have any immediate work to do, so she savoured the sensation of the cool water pouring down her throat and filling up her stomach. Recently, she hadn't been eating as well as she should have been due to her nearly constant state of poverty. It was somewhat ironic to think that she worked mostly surrounded by food, but often went home at the end of her shift hungry.

"Maybe I can see if there's anything I can take home at the end of my shift…"

Recently she had begun hovering around the cooking area towards the end of her shift in the oft-chance that one of the cooks would have to scrap a meal, or a customer had returned one. It wasn't a particularly reliable method of keeping herself fed, particularly because the manager frowned upon it, but occasionally it worked out in her favour. Hanako was just happy that the cooks seemed to look the other way since she was certain if she caused any trouble, it'd be used as a way to fire her and given her current financial situation, she didn't know what she would do if she lost this job.

"Ikezawa-san!" came a voice from behind a large shelf of dishes. It was her manager.

Hanako barely had time to turn around and stutter a quiet "Y-yes?" before the store owner and manager appeared before her.

"It's break time. Morisatu-kun will take over for you. Thirty minutes."

With that, the older and slightly portly man departed. Hanako was positive that he didn't actually dislike her, after all, the man had given her this job, but he never wasted more time talking to her than was absolutely necessary. She was somewhat grateful for this.

With a quick nod to Morisatu, Hanako threw her wet apron aside and headed towards the break room. There were a couple of employees there, one enjoying a dish he must have purchased from the restaurant (they did give a small discount to employees) and the other reading a newspaper while munching on a bag of chips. Hanako's stomach did a tiny flip at the smell of food, but she forced it down. She didn't have anything to eat, so instead she walked over where she had left her backpack and retrieved a book she had been reading. At least the library was still free.

She sat down in the corner of the room and flipped the novel open to where she had left off. Thankfully neither of the other employees looked up or otherwise tried to acknowledge her existence, this made it easier for her to get lost in the world on the pages before her. The book itself was the relatively new release of a popular science fiction series and she had put herself on a waiting list at the library to get it. Overall, she thought it was pretty good even if it wasn't something that she typically read. In fact, it wasn't until she had made a certain friend in highschool that she even started to pay attention to these kinds of novels. He had told her that she didn't know what she was missing. It turned out he was right.

Hanako was so totally absorbed in the book that she really wasn't paying attention to the passage of time. It was only by chance that she was saved from returning late from her break by the fact that her manager had popped his head into the break room.

"Ikezawa-san," he started, "When your break is over can you take out the trash?"

Hanako was visibly startled, but managed to a curt nod to her boss before putting away her book and looking at the clock. She had only a minute left to spare on her allotted break time.

"That was close. I need to pay more attention," she thought to herself.

The dinner rush was over now and the restaurant itself was starting to settle down. This meant that most of the tasks she would be given from now on would revolve around cleaning and closing down the shop. It was actually part of the day that she liked the most since many of the regular employees would start leaving soon and only a few would remain behind.

Having less people around made her feel more comfortable.

She walked over to the back of the kitchen where the large plastic trashcans were literally overflowing with the refuse that had accumulated through the afternoon and evening. This was a pretty smelly job, but one that she didn't mind since it allowed her to go outside in the evening for a bit as she rolled the cans down to the larger commercial trash bins. Just as she was about to start tying up the tops on the trash she noticed a large plastic bag with several boxes in it sitting on an adjacent metal table.

Looking around and spying another employee, she quietly asked, "I-is t-this trash?"

The other employee just shrugged and walked away.

Hanako took a closer look at the bag and boxes and realized it was a takeout order, probably left behind by a delivery person or otherwise discarded. With a furtive glance she finished tying up the trash bags and then took the takeout delivery and placed it on top. With a bit of effort she dragged everything down the long hall towards the back of the restaurant and the awaiting alley.

She almost gasped when the brisk fall air hit her face. For a scant second she closed her eyes and inhaled. The city smelled and the alley wasn't very much better, but after hours of toiling away in the extreme heat of the kitchen she was thankful for the coolness. She reflected that the last time she had probably smelled clean air was when she had attended highschool several years ago. She had gone to a "special school" for disabled students that had been tucked away in a quiet little village surrounded by a forest. Even though those days hadn't always been good, she often found herself feeling nostalgic for them. She had some friends for a time, a room of her own and the school itself was far enough away from people that she could get lost when she needed to.

Opening her eyes she looked around the alley. Making sure that no one was watching her she walked over to some boxes and plastic crates.

"This should be fine here…"

With a quick motion Hanako took the takeout bag and slipped it under a large box. She was thankful that the food had managed to find its way to her as she hadn't been eating much for over a month now. Her living situation had unexpectedly fallen apart and she had to leave the small single room that she had been staying in. With no savings or family to rely upon she was desperately trying to save up funds for the shikikin, reikin and tesuuryou that would be required to move into a new apartment. Individually these were not insurmountable amounts of money, but together they represented far more funds than she currently had. As a result she had taken to skipping meals and cutting as many expenses as she could possibly manage.

Of course, for the time being this meant that she was technically homeless. Unfortunately for her since she was employed she didn't qualify to stay in any of the local shelters and the alternatives were not all that great. Couch surfing was impossible – she had no friends to rely on. She couldn't really afford to live in a proper hotel either, or she would quickly eat through her pay. Even living "rough" in a tent city was completely out of the question because although she knew that she wasn't attractive, she didn't think that would stop many of the old men who had taken up residence in the park. The last thing she wanted to do was try to sleep when she would be quaking in fear of being assaulted by a drunken bum

Thus the only viable alternative that remained was to become a semi-permanent resident at one of the many local net cafes. It was a "trick" that many younger people used and it was easy enough for her to adapt. Society at large usually referred to these people as freeters, young people either under employed or without much in the way of job prospects who lived a transient lifestyle. It took her some time to get used to it, but it wasn't all that bad. For a couple hundred yen an hour you could get a semi-private booth, hot tea, a large reclining chair and even access to a shower. Of course, you had a computer with the internet, but Hanako found that when she often was done with her shift she was too tired to do much else but try to sleep. Living this way ate into her ability to save, but so long as she was frugal and picked up enough shifts at work she could manage.

Most people would be shocked at the type of minimal existence that she endured on a daily basis, but to her it wasn't much of a trial. She had, regrettably, survived far worse.

As Hanako walked back from emptying the trash she rolled her right shoulder and attempted to stretch out her arm. Both areas had been severely burned years ago and were covered with thick scar tissue and because of this could become unnaturally stiff. When she was younger and in school it was a fairly common sight to see her slender form hunched over as she awkwardly stalked the halls and most students assuming this was part of her natural shyness and timidity. However that was only partly true, more often than not the actual reason was that the scars on her body required frequently care or else they would dry out and harden. Considering how much of her body was scarred, this would often make normal movement awkward or even uncomfortable.

Of course, working in the heat of the kitchen, particularly the dish washing area where she was subjected to periods of both dampness and drying out, only amplified the problem. She lamented that there wasn't much she could do about it, but she did keep a large bottle of moisturizer in her backpack for the few rare occasions where she could go to the restroom and tend to herself.

"Ahh… I'll just finish up. If I get done quickly then I can come back sooner to make sure nothing gets to that food."

As she stumbled back into the restaurant she considered that she didn't have much shame left. And why should she? It wasn't like anything she did mattered or anyone took notice of what she did other than to use it as an opportunity to scold her or otherwise get rid of her. She was never one to have much in the ways of dreams, even as a child growing up in the orphanage she never dared think that a family would adopt her, or that she would have friends – not that she trusted anyone enough to let them get that close to her.

All she wanted out of this life was four walls, a futon to call her own and a door she could lock. If she had that and her books, then she could be if not happy, then content.

The rest of her shift went relatively smoothly. She knew what needed to be done, so she did it without being asked and with efficiency. A lot of people in her position, particularly towards the end of such a gruelling day, would be slacking or prone to bouts of complaining, however it wasn't in her nature to be either. Hanako didn't consider herself to be a person with many redeeming qualities, but she did what she needed to do and did it without complaint.

Just as Hanako was finishing up and retrieving her backpack, her manager approached her again.

"Ah… Ikezawa-san, can I speak to you for a moment?"

Hanako nodded to him as she shouldered her pack. Maybe it was a lifetime of being disappointed, or maybe it was a premonition of some sorts, but she instantly felt her heart seize up in her chest.

"I was thinking about what you asked the other day…" he began.

"And well, yes – I think it would be okay if you picked up another shift."

Like a wave crashing over the shore Hanako felt the tension leave her body and relief flood into her being.

"I'm not getting fired…"

With a bow that much too low for the concession her manager had just made to her, she thanks him in a voice that she tried to make sound very firm.

"T-thank you m-manager-san!" she replied with a bit too much enthusiasm.

The manager didn't know if he should be put out or amused by the girls grovelling. Truly, he liked the girl quite a bit but she was incredibly odd. Sure, there was the scarring on her face and hand - although he never asked her about it was obvious she had lived a hard life or had some trouble befall her, but overall she was a good worker and a good employee. She was quiet, but attentive, diligent, never slacking, never complaining – and probably the most unusual for the restaurant business, always on time and never missing a shift. It was a shame she was so uncomfortable around other people, but in the end that did sort of make her perfect for the job he hired her to do.

The manager made an awkward gesture with his hands, "It's okay Ikezawa-san! Really! Just be here tomorrow at the normal time from now on, okay?"

Hanako nodded and headed out the door. Thankfully the manager hadn't followed her so she was able to go to her secret hiding spot and retrieve the takeout meal she had placed there an hour earlier. To her delight it looked as if no pests or vermin had gotten to it. It was a little risky to do so, but she looked inside one of the containers and was greeted with the site of a steamed bun.

"Yes!" she inwardly screamed, "Today has been the best day of my life. Food, more work, more money. If I can keep this up, I'll be in my own place in just a few more weeks."

Her spirit lifted to new heights as she headed off into the brisk fall night. She was enthralled with the idea that she might be able to spend this Christmas in her own apartment. It might even be a little ambitious, but if she could manage it, she'd try to get a very small Christmas tree and maybe a cake to commemorate the occasion.

Satou Lilly was the kind of girl that looked like a living doll. She had flawless skin, the figure of a model and possessed a face that resembled a work of art crowned almost precipitously with flowing locks of spun gold. It was almost a cruel joke of the universe that she could never, and would never, comprehend the importance of any of these things.

Lilly had been born blind and the only world she knew was one shrouded in darkness, but filled with sounds, sensations and smells. To her a scent of a particularly delicious meal or the feeling of sunshine warming your face on a cold day held more beauty than she did. She had once asked a close friend, or more accurately, an on-again/off-again boyfriend, to describe how she looked to him. He had been a somewhat self-conscious but earnest young man at the time and they had stumbled a bit while he worked out how to explain to someone without sight what she looked like.

"This is pretty hard," he had said, "Let's try this… what does a color mean to you?"

Lilly thought for a moment.

"Red is like the heat coming off an oven burner. Blue is like cool water on a hot day. Silver is like the chimes of bells at Christmas," she replied.

The boy nodded and then caught himself. Obviously, she couldn't see.

"I understand," he verbally acknowledged.

"So in that case…" he paused for a moment and then continued, "Your skin is like the taste of ice cream on a summer day. Your hair is like the scent of a field of flowers in full bloom. Your face is like the clean air on a brisk morning. Your lips are like the taste of sweet apples."

Lilly blushed, "R-really? Hisao…"

Hisao continued, "All together, I'd say you're like the most beautiful or moving song that I've ever heard and one that you never get tired of listening to."

Lilly, for perhaps the first time in her life, had been completely overcome with emotion. She reached out a trembling hand and found Hisao's face, her fingers grazing his chin and lips. Seconds later, they were locked in a passionate kiss.

What proceeded from then was the first time the two of them had made love and in the present, Lilly smiled to herself at the memory. It was a precious remembrance from years ago and one that she always recalled fondly. Things hadn't quite worked out the way she had initially hoped. Various circumstances around their respective careers had caused the two to separate, albeit reluctantly. Still, they had managed to keep in contact, even to visit each other from time to time, but their relationship these days was more of "friends with benefits", or two people who had, and on many levels continued to, share a special bond that neither was entirely willing to let go of.

Lilly put her finger into the wine glass that she firmly held down on the countertop before her. With practice ease she manipulated the bottle to her left to the lip of the glass and then using her finger to judge her progress, poured herself a drink. Armed now with her favourite red merlot, she walked with confident ease across her apartment and sat down on a large reclining chair, to which next she had set her laptop. With a quick flip she tapped a key that started off her text to speech program, listening instead of "reading" to a particular email for the 10th time that day.

"Hi Lilly, it's Hisao."

Hisao always started off his emails with an introduction due to a quirk that a previous version of her translation program had with email addresses.

"Sorry I haven't been writing as much as I would like. Things have been very busy here at the Stanford lab. My latest patent got approved and there was quite a bit of work that had to go into it."

Lilly smiled. Out of the students she knew back at Yamaku, including her cousin Shizune, Hisao had probably achieved the most – he was a prominent medical researcher and one with many patents and inventions to his name that had doubtlessly saved the lives of millions of people across the globe. This was in fact the very reason why the two of them had separated, so that he could continue his education abroad in the United States. Sometimes she wondered what would have happened if Hisao had consented to her selfish desire to keep him in Japan. Would people be dead now that were alive? She didn't like to think about it too much.

"Anyway, remember what we were talking about a few months ago? I decided you were right and it's time for a change. This project is done, so instead of looking for a new one I'm going to come home."

When Lilly had first heard this pronouncement, she almost fell out of her chair. She knew for a fact that Hisao hadn't stepped foot inside Japan for almost a decade. To her, it seemed like almost nothing, including the death of his own father, could get him to return. In light of this, the announcement that he was "coming home" didn't make her as happy as she thought it would. To put it succinctly, she suspected something was up.

"Oh Hisao, why are you always so closed off about what you're feeling and thinking?" she thought to herself.

Wryly, Lilly considered that maybe she had some sort of attraction to people who were either reclusive or otherwise emotionally unavailable. After all, her best friend for most of her highschool years was a girl that took almost an entire semester to even speak a full sentence to her.

Lilly took another drink from her glass and headed towards the kitchen. She hadn't thought about Hanako, or Yamaku really, in what seemed like ages. Her feelings on that time were particularly muddled. Some of her most precious memories were forged at that school, including some of her most long lasting relationships – but also it was a time filled with regrets.

Lilly's kitchen wasn't particularly large, in fact her entire apartment was rather smaller than she could actually afford. This was partly because she didn't actually care and partly out of necessity. Being blind, having a smaller amount of space to memorize and navigate was actually an advantage. She set her wine glass down on the countertop and started rifling through her cupboards. Nearly everything in her apartment, particularly the kitchen was placed in a very specific way based on an organisation system that only her, her sister Akira, and the one best friend she lost, had ever known.

Quickly finding the ingredients she was looking for she started about making a simple dinner.

"I wonder what Hanako is doing these days? I wonder… why did she cut me out of her life? What did I do?"

These were questions that Lilly had asked herself countless times over the years. It had happened almost suddenly. She had gone away on a trip back to her mother's ancestral home in Scotland to visit an ailing relative, leaving behind two friends who she was absolutely positive were perfect for each other. In fact, she had been so sure of it that she had constantly tried nudging them along or otherwise push them into spending time together. Not that she needed to do much pushing, but she considered a little help now and then to be appropriate.

However, when she had returned everything seemed to have rapidly fallen apart. Hisao was being closed mouthed as usual, refusing to tell her what had happened, and Hanako had completely shut herself up in her room, ignoring all pleas to come out and talk. She had cried herself to sleep for many nights after that, feeling as if her entire world had just shattered behind her back. Eventually Hisao managed to drag himself around to visit her and she had tried to get him to explain what had happened. Even though Lilly couldn't see his body language, she could hear the hesitation in his voice. There was something that he wanted to tell her, but for some reason couldn't. It would take days more before she would get the entire story.

"I don't know what I could have done differently," she lamented, "I loved her as best I could. I wanted to help her, but only because I loved her, not because I thought she was worthless. I wish I had gotten the chance to explain that to her."

Part of her had wanted to blame Hisao, but she knew that wasn't fair. She was just as guilty as he was in how they both had treated Hanako and Lilly had to admit that even if Hanako had perceived what they were doing as wrong or demeaning to her, that Lilly didn't agree. After all, how else do you treat someone that you care about just as much as your real family? The things she did for Hanako were born completely out of love for her and not out of pity.

Although it took some time and some growing up, eventually Lilly was able to admit to herself something that she hadn't been able to before – Hanako had real problems that went beyond her shyness or social awkwardness. It was heartbreaking, but Lilly with her inexperienced view of the world had just been inadequate in dealing with them. Simply put, she had tried her best but her best wasn't up to the task.

With practiced care Lilly removed her dinner from the stove and placed it into a waiting bowl (bowls were always easier to eat from than plates – less potential for making a mess you couldn't see) and sat down for a solitary dinner. She ate alone a lot these days and it bothered her.

"But maybe that'll change soon?"

Lilly wasn't completely sure of what her exact feelings for Hisao were, but he was arriving at Narita the day after tomorrow, so she conceded that it might be about time for her to sort them out. Would they remain friends? Would they solidify their relationship as lovers? Would they carry on and maybe in the future move to something more permanent? What did she really want?

"I want… to not be alone anymore," she sighed inwardly at this thought. That wasn't right; she chose to be alone because she refused to let people get close to her – and while part of it was certainly due to her "unresolved business" with a certain young man, just as much of it could be attributed to her desire to not lose anyone again.

Perhaps it was another cruel irony of the universe, but this woman who was admired by so many who met her for being composed and "put together" had a massive hole in her heart that she didn't know how to fill.

Maybe it was time she started to try again.

Authors Note:

I hope you enjoyed this first chapter. Yes, it is rather depressing on many levels, but if you enjoyed Katawa Shojou as a game, then I think you'll probably appreciate a little angst. Especially if you enjoyed Hanako's arc, which is what this story is based upon.

I would greatly appreciate it if people would leave me a comment on how this chapter made them feel or otherwise offered advice or criticism in the comments section below.

For people who are curious, this story is mostly plotted out at this point into a 5 act composition. I'm fairly happy with where I want it to end up, but real life constraints and other obligations may make updates come slowly. However, I'm very passionate about the tale I want to tell, so I'll do my utmost to try and complete it in a timely fashion.

Thank you so much for reading and see you next time.

QC