To be honest, I brought this shit on myself; I thought that doing right by her would make things easier, better. Granted, it took every fucking bit of willpower to play dumb when she had hinted a move at me; and it hurt so fucking much to watch that hint of sadness cross her eyes when I faked not catching her drift, silently shooting her down. But I had no choice, I can't be with her, not as long as this damn tramp stamp is on my arm. Scarlett deserves better, and I ain't it.
And now, she's dating this one guy, and I-I can't put my finger on it, but I don't like him. Sammy thinks I'm just being jealous; okay, yes, of course I'm jealous, he gets to be with her, but this isn't just about that. There's something off about this dude, and it's making me crawl up the walls.
She's been going out with him for nearly a month now, like, a couple of dates here and there. Nothing serious, not like she's ever gonna settle down with him; hunters don't settle down. But I ain't dumb, I know they're fucking, and it's driving me fucking crazy. Everytime she comes back to the bunker in the morning, I get this intense need to go find some nasty to hunt and take my frustration out on it. Which is why we've been hunting like maniacs lately.
He gets to touch her, feel her, kiss her; meanwhile, I'm here playing with my junk all by myself. But what the fuck am I gonna do? I practically shoved her into the first guy that crossed her path. So yeah, I brought this shit on myself and I can't do anything about it.
I didn't hear her arrive this morning, and I'm about to explode. She's not home yet and I don't fucking like it. I need coffee. Yeah, coffee is not gonna calm me down, I know that, but who the fuck cares? It's either coffee or break someth-
Wait, she is home; I can hear her talking with Sam in the kitchen, and now that I see her, she's wearing her pajamas. Odd.
Odd but satisfying, not gonna lie. She usually spends the night with him, but not this time.
Good.
Yeah, I'm an asshole, sue me, I should be happy for her but there's this part of me that won't let me. Maybe it's my hunch, maybe it's the Mark, I don't fucking know.
But what I do know is that the air in the room is heavy; Sam looks too damn serious and worried, almost angry; and for some damn reason, I don't make it to the room. Every nerve in my body is on edge, and I don't fucking know why.
And then I see it, that shine on her face that she's icing; and I just know he did it to her.
I'm gonna kill him, I'm gonna beat the everliving shit outta him, and then I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch. Nobody touches Scarlett and lives to tell the tale.
I guess they both heard me tear out of the garage like a bat out of hell, because neither of them won't stop texting and calling. I'm not gonna pick up, I know they are trying to stop me for my own sake, but I don't fucking care. Nobody hurts my girl. Nobody.
All things considered, I suppose it's a good thing I dropped her off at his place last week, or else I wouldn't know where he lives.
For fucks sake, Sam, stop calling, you are not gonna change my mind. Now that I think it, I should have snagged her keys, bet he's not far behind. Pedal to the metal it is.
Andy, that's this motherfucker's name. He barely opens the door before I'm kicking it down and clocking him. The bloody scratches on his face don't go unnoticed. Good, she did that, atta girl.
"I'm gonna kill you, you son of bitch!"
He can't even reply, I'm not letting him, he's bloody and swollen and trying to fight back. But he can't, he doesn't have my training or my experience, nor this Mark that seems to fuel me like the best steroid in the world.
I'm seeing red and he ain't got nothing on me.
"Dean! Stop, you're gonna kill him!"
Wow, you are very observant, Sam. Now, let me get back to pummeling this asshole.
To be fair, I didn't even notice him arrive, nor that he brought Jody along. What for, I don't fucking know. I don't care, she can arrest me if she wants, I don't care. She can arrest me after I'm done, I don't ca-
"Dean, please, please stop!"
He brought Scarlett? Why they fuck, Sam? She shouldn't be here, she shouldn't be anywhere near this jackass.
"Please, for me."
Her words stop me cold for a moment, long enough for the three of them to pry me off this guy. I chance a glance at her, and the fear and pain in her puffy red eyes feels like someone threw my heart into the trash compactor and turned it on.
It's unbearable. She's afraid of me. This can't be happening.
We stare at each other in silence; offhandedly, I hear Jody tell the scumbag that pressing charges against me won't do him shit, especially since he has several records of battery. That last bit registers in the back of my mind, and I'm ready to go again, but I just can't pull away from her, not when she grabs my hand and guides me to the car.
The ride back home is hell, not only because Sam won't stop talking, but also because Scarlett's not with us, she drove off in her car to drop Jody off back in Topeka. I guess she wanted to talk with her; I hope it's just that and not fear to be alone with me. Please don't let it be that.
So Sam's calmed down a bit, and I guess he understands why I did it, and to some extent, he agrees, even if he won't admit it. I know my little brother better than anyone, and I know he's trying to not encourage violent behavior.
Well, that ship has sailed, and let's face it, this is nothing compared to what happened the last time I snapped like this. Those creeps had it coming, even more than this Andy jackass.
But you see, this asshole hurt my girl, not some chick I saw, what, two times?
My girl. I should probably stop calling her that, because she's not really my girl, and, fuck, it hurts.
She hasn't returned and I'm climbing the fucking walls, again. It doesn't help that Sam keeps insisting I go shower to cool off and wash the blood off of me. He's probably right, I should do that.
I can somewhat deal with not being with her, but she's afraid of me and I can't fucking stand it. I'm losing her; soon she's gonna move out, I can feel it, and I don't like it. How the fuck am I supposed to protect her if I'm not around her?
Yes, I fucking know she's a hunter and can defend herself, okay? But I can't help feeling this overwhelming need to protect her. Especially now. That shine on her face? That's on me. It's on me because I pushed her away. She wouldn't have it if it wasn't for me.
I fucking love the water pressure of the bunker, I could spend hours under it. You know what would make it even better? Share it with her. Oh man, to feel her all wet and warm, pressed up against me; touch every inch of her skin. Hear her moan my name over and over again… Okay, I guess we're doing that.
Huh. Didn't even notice I busted my knuckles.
Well, that certainly took some of the edge off, but fuck, I need a drink. Guess it's time to crack that bottle of Black Label; been meaning to open that one for a special occasion. I guess 'about to lose the girl that keeps you up at night' qualifies as a special occasion.
Or not.
She's home and beat me to it. How the hell did she find it? Damn it, sweetheart, that was for a special occasion! Sigh, I can't be mad at her. I mean, look at her, all sad and unfocused, lost in thought. How could anyone hurt something so beautiful? I don't fucking get it.
"How are you feeling?" I hate asking such a pointless question, I know the answer, I know she's not fine, but how else do I talk to her after what happened? I don't want her to be afraid of me, I hate it. This Mark is turning me into a monster, I know that. I don't want her to see me like that.
"I'm okay."
No you're not, you can't fool me Scar. Fuck, this whiskey is good.
"If you say so…" Shit fuck, why did I say that? She's gonna think I don't care, or that I'm angry. Yup, she's giving me her death glare.
Damn it, I didn't notice her split lip before. I'm gonna kill that son of a-. Breathe, count to ten. For her. One… Two…
"I'm sorry, I'm still running on fumes." I need to know. "Can you tell me what happened?"
Yeah, I know the cliff notes of what happened. But I want the full story, I want every detail, I need to feel her pain. Take it from her and make it mine, because it's my fault she got hurt. I got her into this mess.
"Please?" God, her face is so soft.
This could go either way. Either she tells me or not, and I'm not sure how I'll react. Probably gonna head back out there and go another round of punch-the-fucker.
Oh, she's gathering herself. Here we go.
"So, um, we were having dinner and he started asking all sorts of questions about you guys. At first I went along, very vaguely of course, nothing about our trade, he still thinks I just happen to be unemployed. But then I noticed it wasn't because he was honestly interested or anything, but rather… fishing for something."
Oh you sly fuck, testing to see if there was any competition, huh.
"Anyways… he dropped it for a while, and then out of nowhere he starts saying I should start looking for a place for myself..."
Over my dead body, jackass.
"... Nevermind I'm 'unemployed', right?" God, she's fucking adorable when she does the air quotes.
"So when I tell him no, he starts raising his voice, telling me that I shouldn't be living with two guys, that I should leave and go with him. As you can guess, I got mad and told him to fuck off."
I need another drink, or so god help me.
"So next he starts accusing me of probably sleeping with you both and calling me a whore."
Count to ten, Dean, count to fucking ten.
"So I slap him. Never imagined he would hit back. Next thing I know I'm kicking him in the balls, scratching his face and getting out of there as fast as I could."
The only reason I don't get back out there is because I don't want to upset her even more. I can't leave her alone when she's like this, which reminds me… Where the fuck is Sam? Oh well, whatever.
"I'm so sorry, Scarlett, wish I've done something sooner."
Shit, I spoke too much and now she wants to know what I mean. How do I explain it to her without giving too much away? I can't tell her the Mark pulses like crazy when she's in some kind of danger. She'll know why it happens, I can't burden her with that. She deserves better, she doesn't deserve a monster like me.
Think, Dean, think!
"My gut told me he was bad news from day one." Fuck, no, shouldn't have said that. She's gonna ask why I didn't warn her, and with all fucking reason. Fix it, you idiot! "Usually, I'd trust my instincts, but they've been out of whack ever since I got the Mark."
Lies, they haven't been wrong since I got it, not even once; but she doesn't know that.
"It's not your fault, Dean." Why am I relieved she's not being sincere? Easy, because it is my fault, and I'm fucking glad she sees it too.
"Well, I'm the one picking 'em, ain't it? And I'm not exactly trophy girlfriend material either, so there's that."
Oh hell to the fucking no. Don't you fucking dare think that about yourself, sweetheart.
"Don't say that, Scar, that's not true, you are an amazing woman. You are smart, badass, beautiful… You could get any guy you want; they'll be lucky to have you."
I should fucking learn to shut my trap, or think twice before speaking. Turns out, wording is everything. As Credence would say, there's a bad moon on the rise. She's fuming now.
"Really? Then how come I don't have the guy I want, huh? If I'm so awesome, huh? Do me a favor and never tell me I can have any guy I want, because that's a fucking lie."
Well, fuck, she got me; she cornered me and I don't know how to get out of this one without lying some more and hurting her feelings.
"Look, Dean, I'm not mad you don't feel that way about me, no one can control that…"
Oh, honey, if only you knew…
"... I'm mad that you used that stupid phrase on me. That phrase is bullshit, it's a fucking lie. I hate being lied to."
Dude, react; say something to her, anything!
"I think it's best if I go. Stay with Jody 'til I find a place to live. I can't do this anymore."
I always ruin everything; I knew this was gonna happen, I knew it.
"I'm sorry, Dean."
Do something! Don't let her go, you can't lose her; she's the only thing keeping you in check. Yes, I know, ironic considering what happened today; but you get what I mean.
What's that phrase Sam pulled on me last time he caught me lying? Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth? And as it turns out, it's annoyingly fucking accurate.
"You're wrong, Scarlett." Nice way to change her mind, you idiot. "I saw your move from a mile away, and, for a moment, it felt so damn right."
Well, at least she's back in the room, that's a good start, I guess.
"But then I remembered the Mark, and all the chaos and destruction it's bringing, that I'm bringing. I don't want that for you; you deserve so much better than me. I'm bad news, maybe even more than that douchebag."
"That's so not true, Dean." No no no, her voice is breaking, I can't see her like this. I should be the one soothing her, but instead she's soothing me. God, I love it when she touches my face. Every time she does it the Mark stops all the dark whispers, at least for a while.
"You saw me, how I keep snapping; what if one day I snap at you?" That's my greatest fear, being so blind by the Mark that I end up hurting her and Sammy. I could never live with myself.
"I know you won't, I trust you, Dean." And this time she is sincere. How could she trust me? I'm a fucking time bomb.
"How? Why would you? You had your fair share of violent guys today, you don't need more of that; I saw how much he scared you and… Scar, I saw the way you looked at me, you are afraid of me too, and I don't blame you."
Why do I tell her these things? She had a shitty day and I'm dumping my crap on her. I'm poison.
"Wait, what? No, Dean, that's not-"
"You don't have to sugarcoat it; I get it, I really do. First one jackass scared you, and then another one even worse."
I can't read her, I can't tell if she's upset, or trying to make me feel better, I hope not, I don't deserve it.
"Okay, let's clear some things up. First of all I'm a hunter, so I had much worse than a jackass punching my face. Ah ah, let me finish…"
Yes ma'am.
"... sure, it did hurt on the account that it was someone that supposedly cared for me. So no, he didn't scare me, he got me angry; hell, I only dated him for a month, so it's not a big deal either. And second… You don't scare me, Dea-"
"Yes, I do, you looked so terrified, not only earlier when I was pummelling him, but also not fifteen minutes ago when you were sitting all alone-"
If she gets any closer, I won't be able to control myself, I need to kiss her, bad.
"I'm not scared of you! I'm scared for you. I'm terrified of what may happen to you; you get so out of control that I'm afraid the next time you pick up a fight, they will fight back and get lucky. I can't go through the black eyes again. I can't."
She's right; I can't be that thing again. "Then maybe I'm the one who should leave, be locked away for the sake of everyone."
I didn't mean to say that out loud.
"Then I'd follow you anywhere. Unless, of course, you don't want to be with me; and I'm not talking about the Mark, but this." Between the way she's looking at me, and her hand now on my heart… Yeah, I'm losing this battle.
I guess, without realizing, I got closer and now she has her arms around my neck, and holy fuck, she's kissing me. Oh yeah, this is happening. Fuck this feels good, and not just in my mouth; oh fuck, I'm getting har-.
No no, don't pull away, it's not enough, need more. Oh, wait, she's not sure if I wanted to kiss her or not… Fuck yeah, of course I do!
So I let go.
I haven't felt this good since… I don't fucking know. I woke up next to her, all warm and soft, and need I say naked? Fucking hell, does she smell good. Yup, last night was definitely a highlight in so many levels. I guess sooner or later we were gonna end up like this, I just wish I'd done it sooner... Let her in, I mean; well, the other thing too, of course… It would have saved us both some grief, but it's done, we're together. I just hope I get to spend as much time as I can with her before the Mark fully takes over. Call it a dying wish, if you will.