Mei looked outside the car window while Udagawa drove through the city. They were riding in their black sedan which Udagawa's family had purchased only a couple years ago. Mei took note of the little shops and parks, the well-manicured homes, curated lawns; she sweated a little. The AC was on full blast but her internal temperature was on fire. Maybe it was the intense orgasm she had had earlier in their shared bedroom, or was it from the hatred she had of Udagawa at that very moment? He was a geek, an oafish nerd; always so nice yet so very cruel in his ignorant way.
All that Udagawa did in life had a chauvinist fashion to it. She couldn't place what it was exactly, but it meant to control her in a subtle way. He was a flag waver now for the Aihara corporation and Grandfather's assets, but he was also like every other patriarch who had ruined her life. The nice guy stuck in the old ways and consumed by his parents' influences. He represented everything in her life that had gone wrong. She knew both his parents were classic Japanese upper crust, stuck in old money, never letting a penny out of sight.
Mei liked Udagawa as a person, but felt sorry for what he had to endure for his family and her wealth. In Tokyo he had been an enjoyable sort who she never would have paid much attention to. She was upper class too after all, and had the same instincts within her. That didn't mean it was a part of herself that she liked, though. She did all that she could in recent year to subvert the venal instincts which had ratcheted up through Grandfather's influence. Yuzu had stripped away much of that veneer.
Mei reminded herself of Yuzu's influence, she noticed a house with guilt roof and a cute sidewalk; her mind turned to lovelier things. Yuzu's glittering blonde hair wisped into view of her mind's eye, bouncing everywhere and sloping off her shoulders. Mei felt her own straight black hair between her finger tips. Mei's hair was everything that symbolized beauty in Japan, the perfect little doll, pale white skin and attractive eyes: a perfect woman for an arranged marriage. Money, power and influence, she had what she wanted in life, if it didn't get in the way of the Aihara family plan. Hers was a wide-open future any Japanese would emulate. As a young person she knew the world was her oyster; many would have craved her opportunities.
So, it was with a Catch-22 that the bottom had fallen out of her life, falling in love with a daughter of the poor working class. An alcoholic, beer guzzling loudmouth had become her stepmother. Through chance, her father had met an admirable person with unique character. Ume was the classic tough gal who had worked her way up through Japan's venerable caste system into a respectable position. She paid rent for an apartment in Tokyo and had a job in construction that paid well. A real mother one could love, unlike Sho who was so completely irresponsible.
The mother who had given birth to her was gone. When she was just a mere two years old, her biological mother had left her side. 'Oh, how I wish I could talk to her once more,' she thought. Maybe she would have a chance at her wedding with Udagawa. In a family like the Aiharas, the divorcee had likely been erased from family history all too quickly. She likely had another life and family these days, a husband and children under a different power. What was she doing right now, Mei wondered? She might help explain all that Mei was and was meant to be. She came to a sudden conclusion that not seeing her biological mother for so long had left her incomplete. It was just one reason she had fallen so hard for the wonderful, star-spangled Yuzu.
Glitzy Yuzu, with her soft eyes and glow, her big rosy cheeks; giant, dangling earrings, profound girlishness. Mei wanted her charm, whit and grace, her social acceptance and ability to love people without guessing why. Everything Mei yearned to be or lacked, Yuzu had easily mastered. She was the one person on earth who could make Mei happy, full and complete. Yuzu completed her, even like a mother would.
She sat in her own space pondering her life while Udagawa remained lost in the world of Tokyo traffic. She wondered if she was bisexual, whether lack of feminine influence had turned her into a lesbian. She had to admit she was rough in her own way. She constantly, shamefully-now that she thought about it-harassed and abused Yuzu when they were a couple. She even gave Himeko a tough time just for doing whatever she ordered her to do. Maybe she really was a sweet girl hounded by masculinity too much throughout her life, distraught masculinity. Himeko was a sort of masculine presence, and Ume's profession was masculine in a way. Mei had trouble thinking of a single feminine presence in her life besides Yuzu. Everything was focused on inheriting the family fortune, and above all the school. Maybe her life was too forceful, and she had forgotten how to forgive herself or have fun.
Maybe she loved women, and maybe Yuzu wasn't a one-off. Perhaps she had inherited male traits from her father's earlier disposition, or perhaps she had gotten desperate without him around. She missed the tea parties of her youth, doing her friend's hair, ponies and pretty things like that. Whatever comfort childish things like that were, she had left them behind long ago.
Yuzu represented everything missing in her previous life, everything she wanted from Sho as a father. The carefree days and having less responsibility, the ability to express herself and have free time with others. Yuzu was the key to this lifestyle; her light mood complemented Mei's gloom and doom. Yuzu had a different kind of depth, not venomous like hers, an emotional compassion she couldn't understand.
Mei fell into a dark mood again, and the temperature in the car turned down a couple of degrees from the excess air conditioning. Her atmosphere turned black. She suddenly felt like she could no longer control her life the way she wanted to. She looked inside herself, hoping she could find assurance that there was hope.
"Hey, sport! How ya' doing over there?" Udagawa-san nudged Mei out of her doldrums and self-delusion. "We're getting closer to the parts of the city you like best, pop-Tokyo and the shops!"
Mei opened her window and searched out of the car for some familiar things. Udagawa was a good driver and might have made a cheery service man. She imagined living with Yuzu, two or three children in tow dancing merrily behind them, chatting to each other happily, laughing and singing. Udagawa would be waiting there besides the car with his uniform on, glistening leather under a ninety-eight-degree sun, sweating profusely while smiling uncomfortably in the gleam of their happiness. He would cheer them on, respecting their relationship as a good pawn should. Their game of love would be almost too much to bear.
He would guide them with a suave hand, 'Here you are, ladies! Your ride is waiting.'
Mei reminded herself that none of any of that was going to happen. She gripped into the nice pleather seats with her painted nails, screaming at everything internally.
"There's a nice ice cream shop from the old days, want to get a cone or something?" Udagawa pointed out of the car towards a place she knew well.
"Sure," Mei said in as brisk a tone as she could manage.
Udagawa parked the car, attempting to find a spot in between busy traffic. He inserted some coins into a meter and they left the car to explore the shop.
Something romantic pulled Mei into this old way of life, when she could still think of herself as a high school girl. The awning above the shop had red and white vertical stripes. She smiled, she loved the classic look. Children were buying ice cream in their tan, light blue and yellow school uniforms. All looked joyful, even the girl working the window with her black pigtails and white collared uniform. Mei couldn't recall whether she had been here with Yuzu before, or maybe with her and Ume. Everybody's sunny disposition was infectious, like it had been with her step family.
"Oh, look Mei, they have chocolate and raspberry! Which one do you want?" Udagawa pointed at the list of flavors and his fiancée's dead eyes followed along.
"I'll take…vanilla and raspberry," she whispered.
"Good choice, Mei! Chocolate for me, please! Yum yum!"
This was enjoyable, Mei though. A Saturday with perfect weather, ice cream and cute, little children. It felt like the heterosexual relationship she was getting roped into. Men were boring, all baseball caps, baseball games and sunny days. Mei sat on a stool near a bench licking her frozen treat before it melted. She was used to this by now, Udagawa's happy routine. She felt at that moment that she would rather be surround by springtime dresses and frilly white skirts or something. Udagawa-san sat nearby in his suit pants and collared purple Polo, looking off into another direction.
At the school she had always worked herself into pure misery, but always had the excitement of knowing that it would be her job one day, a career. She worried about her students, how they got along and how happy they were outside of classes. It was her own internal pride to care. Mei needed her students to feel better and happier than she had, it was her own universal way of giving love. She wanted to make up for her own adolescence. Luckily the family business would not be hers until Grandfather passed, or Sho decided he didn't want it. Carrying the Aihara name would be difficult if not impossible for her alone; she hadn't considered the Aihara business in its entirety very much.
"Oh, of course," Mei murmured. Udagawa-san attempted to ignore her outburst but was startled out of his present thoughts by the randomness of her words. His laid-back vibe was now jittery.
Mei suddenly realized that the point of this marriage was for Udagawa to take up the load of the Aihara fortune. He would be counted on to handle the family business while she ran the school, or she hoped that was Grandfather's strategy.
"How do you see your part in my family business in the next twenty years, Udagawa-san?" Mei asked him politely, wondering just what her fiancée understood about his trajectory in the business.
"Oh," he contemplated, "whatever is needed of me, I guess!" Udagawa smiled, yet Mei thought it was a little more painful than she always noticed. "I know I'll be helping out with whatever based on who takes responsibility for what exactly. I think I might be helping at the school. I don't know what your grandfather has in mind for every portion of the business."
Udagawa looked away. Internally Mei was shocked, the school! What if the school gets taken away from her? What if she had to work with Udagawa all day long? What if she became the female lackey, a part-time mother or wife who does a few things when Udagawa is overloaded or she gets bored taking care of the kids at home?
Would she even be allowed to handle any of the family work? Did her grandfather trust her to do that much? Was all this Grandfather's idea to take the school away from her and put it into the more capable hands of a male heir? The unsettling questions Mei refused to ask herself for the longest time now bubbled up to the surface.
What if Udagawa inherited the entire fortune as the male heir? What if it became an Udagawa fortune?
Mei hadn't conceived of these gender roles in the settling of the estate before. She knew that Japan was well-known for keeping its country ways and applying stereotypes to inherited family power. She had spent her whole life supporting the family, ever since Sho had departed to explore the world. Was she going to turn into a mother, a housewife looking after the children while Udagawa worked all day? Would she be counted on to cook and clean the house while waiting for the arrival of her children from school? Would Udagawa stroll in around 11 PM every night and demand tea and dinner so she could finally sleep and see him off at 6:30 a.m.?
Was she going to become a martini wife? Would she shop and get bored being the good heterosexual housewife while Udagawa accomplished everything she thought she had been groomed to do since adolescence?
Surely Grandfather had given her at least enough credit to run the school on her own. It only made sense since the school had obviously been her entire life up to this point. The family fortune she could handle as well if somebody might help her from afar or with handle administrative things. She wanted that school.
'Oh, right, Yuzu…' Mei now considered the presence of the girl still living in the place where Ume and Sho inhabited. She couldn't ever see Yuzu again after that note swearing her off from the rest of her life. She couldn't visit the school again until Yuzu graduated, and she couldn't go back to their apartment. Did she love the school more than Yuzu now? Mei sighed. The school was everything, she admitted to herself then, she loved it. The very thought of running it filled her with glee, seeing the students off in the afternoon, greeting them in the morning, it was her family legacy that she was most proud of. She could run it and do well, it was a responsibility she could handle.
"Boy is it ever nice out here. How was the ice cream, Mei? Did you like it?" Mei looked down at her hands as she was cleaning them with a napkin. She had confidence in herself, and could feel it within her. She knew how to work the things she wanted, she could do it. "It was lovely, Udagawa," Mei put on a faux smile, the best she could manage in her present stormy condition. "I'll go and get the car, wait here," said Udagawa as he strolled back across the street, waiting for cars in his turn.
Mei looked back at her phone now, and gaped at the 'Yuzu' contact. Eventually, she would have to delete it and forget all about that girl. But how? Why? What was she even doing anymore?
Back in the car, Udagawa had a bittersweet, bemused attitude, "It was a long week, we both had it tough. Your grandfather was showing me all these things about the business. You wouldn't realize it at first, but you guys have your hands in a lot of pies. It's almost like being a mob boss. Ahaha, not that the Aiharas are criminals! Ahaha," Udagawa nervously laughed to himself, glancing to the side as Mei's face went red and rouge. Mei looked up at him for a second and decided to take it in stride, "Yes. Grandfather lives a complicated life, that's for sure, Udagawa-san."
'Uh-oh', Mei thought, 'I caught myself talking to him seriously again,' but the conversation had shifted to her chief purpose. She wasn't going to stop him no matter how phony he sounded.
"Yeah, it's going to be brutal handling this all, if and when the transition happens. I hope your grandfather lives many years. Following him around all day and learning his trade makes me nervous. I'd talk to you about it more but he says he doesn't involve you with it a lot. Did he ever take you around and show you some of the storefronts and offices?"
"No," replied Mei, "Grandfather doesn't complicate my time with that. I focus on the academy." She brushed it off since it seemed apparent Udagawa wasn't trying to nag her about Grandfather's misogyny. Neither did she catch an apology in the statement, either.
"Ah, as well you should. Handling both them would be a tall task. I wouldn't put it on anybody, it really is a massively complicated organization. A lot of ins and outs, but you get the hang of it after a while. Long and short everything that should be, sell off what doesn't work, use funds to aggressively buy into new things, and invest in whatever makes sensee or that you trust. It's all complicated investment and business management jargon, really. What it essentially means is that you always build for the future and never sleep on your feet. It's important to stay fresh with new legs, lean and mean as he says."
Mei was very interested now, this was exciting getting to hear about all of this.
"It's hellish if you get behind in an organization like this, because it's so much money. Everything feeds into something else. Poor management leaves you shuffling your feet for a whole generation if you're not careful. Grandfather does well just dealing with the stress. He's always worrying about the basic cash flows, reinvesting. I'm surprised since Sho has been gone for so long, that he hasn't at least brought you out to his hotel for a weekend to involve you in all of this."
Mei blushed and felt a pang of dread at being patronized, "You're talking very officially, Udagawa-san, I'm jealous. It sounds like grandfather has been giving you a real chance with all this. It sounds so complicated!" She patronized him in her turn.
"Well, that is the plan after all. To tell you the truth, I don't want anything to do with the school. I would get bored. I like the meetings and dinners, the talk with investors, strategizing. It works for me. Sure, I enjoyed my restaurant, my simple Tokyo life. Yet if the Lord is good enough to bless me with this massive responsibility then I am going to meet it straight on, no more running like the old days. It's very good that your grandfather allows for my occasional stupid mistakes! I've already made a few."
"Like what?" Mei was getting everything she wanted today on the information side. It was going to be a good day, she thought.
"Oh, a few buzz words," Udagawa replied, "jargon, what I would long he might short. Our funds in the market, it's highly complicated. Your grandfather has years of experience dealing with this organization. I can only hope to keep up. At the end of the day, trust falls to the leader in this. Your grandfather doesn't know how long he'll keep up with his heart attacks or a stroke someday," Mei looked irritated, Udagawa tried to change course, "Not that you should worry, Mei, I think he's a strong bull-moose! But he can't leave things to confidants, that's how a massive organization like this becomes weak, or at least that's what your grandfather says. Many ins and outs, and the president must handle it all himself."
This was unfamiliar information to Mei. She hadn't considered the stress Grandfather was under to find an heir. And the heir must be able to jump in both feet first and consider the business from top to the bottom. Now Grandfather's actions with the quick engagement made a little more sense, especially considering Sho not being available. Obviously, he had wanted to get this engagement finished sooner rather than later.
Udagawa went back to driving and relaxing, keeping to himself or humming a tune to the low volume audio from the radio. Some kind of talk show about business was on but he was only feigning attention. It was more talking than the two were used to, and both seemed to have run out of ideas. Mei went back to thinking of Yuzu now, and what her place would be in such a large organization. Her mind seemed to compulsively fall on Yuzu a lot recently. Two women still couldn't marry in Japan, that was for certain. Could Yuzu even legally receive any of the benefits or inherit any part of her family's business? Could Yuzu even handle any of the business side? That was silly to think about, she'd be too busy worrying about her makeup and doing her hair! Yuzu was silly, but her grades had gotten better.
Mei always thought that she was meant to take over the school, but what would happen to the Aihara family when Grandfather passed? What would she do? What if Mei couldn't imagine herself handling her grandfather's organization and the school? She had always put Yuzu down intellectually, did anything she dreamed of make sense anymore? Yuzu handling her family's business? It was a pickle Mei had not considered. Perhaps Udagawa was the right person for the job after all?
Udagawa turned down a familiar street, lackadaisical with the steering wheel, sweating out the last of his work stress on his first free Saturday of the month. They eventually crossed the street where the old apartment complex was that Ume, Sho, Mei and Yuzu had shared. A tear began to roll from one eye and Mei started to feel inconsolable. "Could you pull over here, Udagawa-san!?" She said it rather more brazenly and emotionally naked than she meant to, revealing the poker face she had tried to keep hidden from her fiancée. He could immediately tell something was off. He pulled in across from the old complex in a jerking motion, knowing the immediacy of her emotions.
Mei looked out of the window and just kept staring at the place she had called home for a year. The tear that had been a single drop now threatened to smother her makeup and annihilate her composure. "Mei, what's wrong? Do you want a tissue? What can I do for you? Are you OK?"
Udagawa put his hand in his pocket and revealed the silver colored pocket square he always carried around. Mei took the hanky and began blowing her nose. She looked at the building with a growing longing. Everything inside of her body screamed to be let go from the car, perhaps for good. She was losing control of her emotions and mental state. The responsibility of the Aihara family, the school and her fiancée built up within her. She truly wasn't allowed to ask for anything and it was eating at her now more than ever.
"I-," Mei coughed in her chest, something thick like a knot was buried deep within her and she couldn't get it out. "I-" Mei opened the door and got out of the car.
She stood beside the car and Udagawa got out of his side as well, looking over at Mei, then over to where her gaze was pointing. The humongous structure of the apartment complex stood up in front of them. It was around 2pm with few people or much traffic in this part of town. It was a typical lazy weekend afternoon. 'I wonder what Yuzu is doing right now at this very moment?' thought Mei.
"What is it, Mei? The building?" Udagawa slowly started to realize, "Is this where you lived with your step-mother before, Mei?". The woman flared her nostrils at him for a second, but slowly put the tiger back into its cage. She was extremely grateful to Udagawa for telling her about grandfather earlier today, and he had even brought her here. She couldn't let her normal self attempt to embarrass Udagawa right now.
"Yes, Udagawa-san, this is where we lived."
"Oh," replied Udagawa, "I see, that's great! Do you want to visit? We could say hello!" and he gestured across the street.
Mei brought her hand up to the ring that lay on a necklace around her heart. "I, I'm not allowed to." Udagawa looked at her and felt forlorn, thinking she might cave right there and collapse onto the street. He rushed over to her and helped her stay standing. His future wife was in trouble, and it hurt him deep down inside to see her like this.
"Why aren't you allowed to, Mei? That doesn't make any sense." Mei looked up at him in his arms and stared. She hadn't thought for a second of passersby and now she felt stuck in space here, the outside world was gone.
"I made a promise to Grandfather that I would not."
"Oh," Udagawa looked flustered. He was confused, he could sense that he had caught a scent in the mysteries surrounding Mei. He knew this hadn't been a normal arranged marriage, she had carried heavy baggage with her into their future relationship.
"Mei, please be honest with me. Why can't you visit the apartment and why has your grandfather forbidden it?"
Mei stood in a dark silence, Udagawa was on the edge of his feet now, looking down on her, "I'm sorry, Mei, please, I want you to be honest with me. I want you to be honest so that we can be truthful to each other, because that is what it is going to take to make this work. This is my life too, this is everything right now, just as it is for you. I swear I won't betray you, because I like you and respect you. I won't hurt you and won't tell grandfather anything you tell me in confidence. This is our relationship and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it work for both of us."
Mei looked on sadly at Udagawa, giving him her keen focus. Could she really trust him? This strange, cold robot who barely touched her in bed unless it was on accident? "Please," Udagawa was biting his lower lip, this seemed to mean a lot to him.
Mei thought it over. To be honest, everything hurt too much deep inside her to care anymore about lies and tiptoes. She had been with Udagawa well over eight months now. It was time she was honest with somebody, least of all herself.
"I love somebody, they live up there," she gasped.
"You mean, like, familial love?" Udagawa was startled but he had come too far in the game. He had played too many rounds with a raging, hormonal witch in his own family house to have any cowardice in relating to Mei. "Or do you mean…"
Mei simply nodded.
"Ohhh," Udagawa exhaled. So that was it. All this time he had wondered if it had been him, or his basic, simple character. It was excruciating to think he was at fault for something. It was much deeper than that though, and he was glad to finally realize it. He sighed with relief, this was something new, a piece of Mei's past he could tie onto and sail on with. No more choppy, confused waters, he could navigate through this.
"Mei, listen to me. I know it's tough, and I know you've had a tough time. Believe me, it has become extremely apparent. However, I'm supposed to be your lover, eventually. I will become your husband. I want to understand you. When I said I wouldn't betray you, I meant it. I respect your hard-working grandfather too much, I respect the Aihara name. Please tell me about what is bothering you."
Mei looked worried now, she felt she had confided too much and let too much out.
"Even if the damn breaks, I will save you. It's my respectability as a man. I'm your fiancée, but I am also a human being."
Mei looked at Udagawa and was shocked by his candor. It was a surprising character trait she had known before but never fully taken advantage of. She didn't expect him to be this deep and respond like this. He was so much more responsible in these matters than she ever expected. She knew a weak willed straw man and who she threw darts when she was suffering; this was not the same person.
"I…," Mei had a challenging time coming up with the words, she felt winded. "Let's drive up a block, and we'll talk more there."
"Of course!" replied Udagawa, as he watched his fiancée get back in the family car, angling her moping body in a 'Z' that felt peculiar and awkward. He excitedly got back in the car on his side and drove up the block. He parked just out of sight of the apartment complex near a closed business.
Mei got out of the car again. She wanted to keep her eyes on the building if only from a distance. She searched it out from a distant, adjacent corner. There was a compunction, a human need within her now to keep her eyes on the structure at all times. She was worried that the building might get up and fly away, leaving her there with nothing but Udagawa, Grandfather and her memories. She felt dizzy and she was breathing much more heavily than before. She held onto the ring around her chest like an anchor.
Udagawa had followed her to the wall she was leaning on, a shady spot with good sun covering, unrecognizable a half block away. Mei looked back at the apartment complex as she kept one side of her body leaning, watching.
"Udagawa-san, I can think of you as a friend, right?" Udagawa blushed, this was more progress than they had had as a couple in many months, "Yes. Definitely, Mei."
Mei breathed slowly, she was internally happy just to see it, just to be near the place.
"Have you ever fallen in love before, Udagawa-san?" Udagawa twitched, "Yes, I believe I have."
"That's good. Love is so nice, isn't it?" Mei turned back to face Udagawa fully, eyes full of tears and face red, totally distraught.
Udagawa was scared now. He hadn't been afraid of Mei for a while, since her last violent tantrum a month and a half ago. At the time she had beat his chest with her fists and collapsed onto him, falling at his feet in a seething rage. This might be worse, he thought, and held back.
"I was in love, Udagawa-san," she cried, "I was in love…" Mei looked down and then looked away, not wanting to face Udagawa head-on, "with a girl, a sweet, precious girl. A friend."
Udagawa was stunned. He didn't know what to say.
"I love her, Udagawa-san, I left her to be with you. For this arranged marriage," Mei was openly weeping now, he didn't dare touch her knowing how violent and extreme she could get.
"I left her of my own volition, my own choice." She stirred a bit, hands jammed together in a panic, "I left her a heart-breaking letter and lets things be, since I knew Grandfather was counting on me. I have responsibilities…to the Aiharas."
She looked down to the ground and clenched her fists, blood coursing through her small body. Extreme emotions flowed through her in a million chaotic directions.
"Mei, that's…" Udagawa mumbled, not knowing what to do or say.
"I left her, and she was the love of my life." She coughed. "I chose my family over her, because I thought it was the best thing to do. I did it to thank Grandfather for being my guardian when my father wasn't there. I did it for...," Mei looked up with a stunned, wide-eyed look on her face. She didn't have any more explanation or words. At that moment, her faith in herself failed, she sounded like a complete idiot.
The sun shone down heavily a few feet away, it was hot out and it radiated waves. The pavement hummed and the parked cars sizzled. Mei had chosen the quietest corner to have her moment, shielded away from businesses and patrons. If anyone were to come within ten feet of them they would have thought they were a couple breaking up. They were two figures in shadow.
"I love…," she inhaled, "Yuzu, so fucking much," Mei said in a gargled voice. It was unexpected for Udagawa, even in his wildest dreams. He couldn't have foreseen these two figures of past and present coalescing for anything in the world. It was startling and it pulsated through his body. Mei and Yuzu, the chances were astronomical.
"I'm sorry, did you just say you love…Yuzu?" Udagawa got out of his shocked state. Mei looked up at him momentarily, "Yes. I fell in love with my step-sister, her name is Yuzu. Isn't that just so rotten?" Udagawa felt uncomfortable about her cynicism and criticism of herself, he blushed. "She became my entire world, my everything. But step-sisters, nevertheless girls, can't marry. Especially not in Japan. I would lose everything, and Grandfather as well. My whole life has been Aihara. I knew I might have to one day carry all of it, and I've done what I need to do to assure that happens. I didn't plan on this love, I didn't plan on any of this. No matter how far I try to run away, its ghost keeps choking me. It tortures me. I even went along with Grandfather's plans for the marriage, and all I've ever done is hurt you."
Udagawa had barely been able to get a word from her in eight months. Now when talking about somebody else, she was eloquent, even mystifying. He didn't know this woman at all, or girl. For perhaps the first time since that night they had met on that ship, he felt truly attracted to her as a person. He wanted her like two people planning to get married should. Yet now it was too late.
"I don't know what to say, Mei," Udagawa put his hand on the back of his head and grimaced. Mei awoke from her selfish din and realized Udagawa's presence once more. Mei wore the most defeated, happy look Udagawa had ever seen. For once in the last eight months she seemed comfortable with herself. "I love her. What would happen to my family, though? What about Grandfather, what if he never talked to me again? I couldn't process all of this when I lived with her," she glanced up at the complex, "I got scared and ran away, I panicked. I started to see her as a barrier to my success, to everything I had known before her. But do you know what, Udagawa-san?"
Mei looked to her fiancée with a charming, defeated smile, "This pain I feel nowadays with you is so much worse than anything I've ever felt in my entire life. Hiding from myself is slowly killing me every minute. I wake up and I don't even want the school, or Grandfather or anything. I just want to be anyone but myself."
Mei smiled genuinely this time. What a strange wonder, Udagawa thought; she's happy when her life is breaking and bleeding on the ground in front of me. Perhaps it was a flame that had to be put out, her life in these past eight months was viler than its own living could contain. He loved her ugliness then. He had no sympathy for someone who would choose a material life of emptiness. He wanted someone who would choose happiness like was brimming in her now.
"I'm in love with a girl who lives in that building over there. I'm head over heels, I would do anything for her because she saved me from myself. You have no idea what kind of pain I was going through before I met you a year ago. I was insane with myself, isolated and lonely in my father's house. I had barely any friends, my other fiancée was using me for his sexual needs, and I had no will of my own."
"Mei!" Udagawa made a move to hold out his hand to her for general warmth, but she flinched.
"I gave up on love, I'm terrible. What have I done?"
Mei shut her eyes and cried out loud. Udagawa put his hands around her shoulders and held her tight. She cried into his chest, and Udagawa could feel the waves of release coming from her. They stood like that for a couple of minutes before Mei released herself. She was a mess.
Udagawa meditated for a moment in a shared silence, and then said, "Mei, you're not the first one to have ever made such a mistake, trust me." Mei looked up into his eyes and he winked. "You're not alone, life is hard, especially for the children of families like ours."
This time Udagawa successfully put his hand on Mei's shoulder and made real physical contact, "Trust me, you don't have to hate yourself. Things change. I'm so glad you confided in me." Mei reached up and held Udagawa's shoulders and she kissed him on the cheek, "Thanks." She smiled and winked in return.
Udagawa was happy that this weight had been lifted off of him. He knew now that it wasn't he who she hated. His own fears and doubts about himself had been building up for months. He now saw that he was a mere symbol, a wall Mei had put up between herself and her former lover. Her own personal doubts had been the real barrier. Mei had tried to believe in her own personal happiness that wasn't there. Theirs was a future that had never existed to her most inner feelings.
Udagawa wasn't used furniture, it turned out, his purpose had been to restore Mei's confidence in herself. He was meant to be the thing Mei stubbed her toe on enroot to realizing what she wanted. He had a genuine purpose after all.
He smiled at his arranged partner, "I worried about you, you know? I thought that I was failing you. It's so much better that we understand each other now. I have something to tell you," he pointed his index finger to her ring under her shirt, "I was there when Yuzu promised to buy that ring for you." Mei looked down in shock at the ring, "She worked part-time for me in my restaurant in Tokyo. She worked so hard taking the train over where she didn't think anybody would recognize her. She was always so tired after her shift but she always had a big smile on her face, too."
Udagawa put his hand on Mei's shoulder, "Your former lover, or the person you love so much, is an extremely wonderful person. You're lucky to be in love with someone like that," Udagawa smiled. Mei had never thought this was possible, that her fiancée should know Yuzu in this way. It all suddenly dawned on her, "So that was why we visited your house during the summer! It was your family's house!" Mei gasped, totally startled.
"Yes, and I should have remembered how close you two seemed to be at the time. I guess I'm a bit of a blockhead not to have put two and two together."
Mei smiled at him relentingly and looked away. Udagawa-san was grinning now and it was a bit embarrassing for her. He had a confident look in his eyes she hadn't seen much of before. "What?" Mei asked.
"Oh, it just feels good to figure you out for once, Mei. You've been like a mystery wrapped in a riddle box since we first moved in together. I wondered if I had offended you or something. I kept searching for the key to our relationship, night after night. I couldn't sleep and felt scared. I never would've thought of something so obvious, looking back on it."
"You never offended me once, Udagawa-san. Maybe you could've asked more questions, but I've been distracted. I showed a real disinterest in you, but I feel bad about that. Maybe I like girls… but maybe I like boys too, I don't know."
"It doesn't matter Mei, love is love. I'm just glad you can be honest with me and yourself now. You can stop acting like somebody you're not. We have at least this much real intimacy now which is more than I could've said about the last eight months."
Udagawa and Mei chuckled openly now. They were both much happier than they had been when they had initially decided to go on their weekend drive. The gloomy house which they had been trying to escape didn't seem like a big problem anymore. Rather, Udagawa couldn't wait to go to sleep tonight, because he knew he wouldn't be tossing and turning like always.
Mei felt embarrassed about having used Udagawa like she did for so long. "Yes," she spoke out, "Clearly, Udagawa-san. We can now be each other and not something else. I'm glad about what's happened today."
"Well, let's go back to the car. I want to get home and work on some things. I think we should take some time off, maybe separate for a while, so you can figure things out on your own. We've been working too hard recently and I think the family would welcome something like a trip or a vacation."
Mei winked at him in a cute way, then sighed, "Maybe you're right, Udagawa, never put it past you to come up with an excellent idea off the cuff." Udagawa smiled, his life was so much simpler now.
The two got back into the car and Mei primped and preened herself in the passenger mirror. She fixed up her worn-out face, trying to look presentable and beautiful again. Udagawa settled into his seat and they prepared to take off. He backed out onto the street, being careful about oncoming traffic. Before he could pull out of reverse, out of the corner of her eye, Mei noticed a figure she hadn't seen in eight months. A familiar blonde bob was dancing above some cars down the street. Mei knew in her gut what it was. Time stood still and froze.
"Stop the fucking car," Mei said, with a shocked look on her face. She grew pale.