It's A Witch!-A Creation Story
By MoonClaimed
A/N: So, I've never tried anything quite like this one before. Tell me what you think of it, the tone in particular. I hope you enjoy it!
Summary: Ed tells Mustang the story of how Hohenheim spread Alchemy across the nations after the destruction of Xerxes. Post-series. Manga-verse. Complete and utter CRACK.
"I found out a lot of really weird stuff while I was researching Alchemy's creation. Like…it turns out that Ishbalans helped the Xerxes people to create alchemy."
"…"
"No, it's true. See, the Ishbalans and Xerxes were close trading partners. But then, when that evil king I mentioned earlier went coo-coo crazy and killed everyone off with alchemy, the Ishbalans kinda, you know, noticed and were like…'Oh shit.'"
"…Fair enough."
"Yeah… Anyway, so that's how that whole 'Abomination upon the Earth' clause got into their scriptures…"
"Right then. But…if everyone who knew about alchemy either declared it heresy or was dead, how are we still using it today?"
"Well, see, there was one survivor of the massacre. And he, well…"
The Survivor, stricken in His grief, set off from His ruined homeland to wander the roads of the world, separated forever from the people by His great Curse.
He wandered past the dessert, past His allies' lands—who turned from Him in fear and revulsion—until He found Himself in a land the likes of which He had never before set His eye.
He walked in from the desserts, alone and unbroken, and the people of the land, knowing the harshness of the dessert did shout, "It is a witch!"
And He, not desiring to be burnt upon the stake, denied, "I am not a witch!" The Survivor thought quickly and devised a plan, for He was clever but none too bright. He declared unto them, "I am a Holy Man from the West, come forth to teach you my magics!"
And so He bequeathed unto the people of His new land His alchemy, and the people of Xing did learn the art.
And they learned from the art the workings of their bodies and the secrets of chi and of the crust of the earth.
And they proclaimed, "This is fucking awesome!"
"Yes," He said unto them, "But now you bore me. I will journey on."
And so He did.
He wandered until He came upon another land, cold with the billowing snows of deepest winter. And the Survivor, seeking the comfort of warmth, did create from His science a hovel and hearth and stayed there the night, thinking to disguise His arrival to the land. But what He did not know, for the blizzard had hidden it from His eyes, was that He had erected His home smack-dab in the middle of the Town Square.
And lo, the townspeople did, upon seeing His hovel built within a night within a storm, cry out, "It is a witch!"
And the Survivor, really quite annoyed with Himself now, proclaimed, "I am not a witch! I am…" He thought quickly, for the holy man thing had gotten old astonishingly fast, "A…good…witch! Which is entirely different, I assure you."
And the townsfolk, taken with His hovel—for it was still the best looking building in town—said unto Him, "Stay, Good Witch! Stay, and build for us such glories of architecture!"
And the Survivor did say, "That sounds annoying. I'll just teach you how to do it."
And so the good people of Creta learned of Alchemy.
And then, many years upon years later—when the village headman found the Bastard in bed with his wife—the Survivor again fle-…left the land in which He had made His home to journey onward.
He traveled through many days and nights, past biting cold, perilous mountains, and a wilderness rife with bloodthirsty beasts. But, as ever, His Curse followed Him, and so He journeyed safely into a new land.
And the land was populated with a people fair of both hair and eye—in fact, they where really rather dashing all around. And the people, the wisest He'd encountered in all His journeys—by far, mind you—recognized Him for what He was at once.
And they did shout, "It is a warlock!"
And He, the habit well ingrained by now, cried out, "I am not a witch!"
And they, in some confusion, asked, "You are a cross-dresser?"
And he said, "…Sometimes. But I am not a witch or a warlock! And I'll prove it. Now, draw a circle…"
And so the people of the lands that would someday come to be known as Amestris learned of Alchemy.
"Wow." Colonel Mustang said slowly, blinking at the story. "So…is any of that true?"
"Eh," Ed shrugged, stretched out on the office couch, "Close enough."