Never again will I feel the warmth of my wife's touch, the laugh of my daughter. I will never feel the happiness that once filled my heart, that made my life complete. The man I once was is now gone, a new man is my place.
Day after day I go to work unable to show my true self. My colleagues see me as someone I am not. If I laugh or smile, if I can bring myself to do that, it is fake and lifeless. I do it only to satisfy them and convince them that I do have a heart, unless that, too has been taken away.
I long for the times I felt happy, but I know the only I can feel that way is through dreams where I am once again with my family, but once I am revived to consciousness I am taken back to the unforgiving life of reality which is lonely and sometimes unbearable.
I once was happy, don't get me wrong I wasn't always like this, lost and distant. I once lived a life full of joy, love and romance, but it was all robbed from me. I will never forgive myself for leaving my family home for so many months, the time that I could have had is now gone. I always thought that I would have time with them, my wife and daughter, when I came back. I remember saying good bye to them reassuring them that I would be home soon, the next memory of them is watching my family being buried underneath the chilling ground.
After my families death I quite the Marine's and joined NCIS, vowing to bring criminals to justice so no other family was broken apart, so others had a chance to live long happy lives with their families the most precious thing I took for granted.
Some nights are unbearable and I want to end it all and be reunited with my love bit I know I need to keep going and help others as much as I can. To comfort myself I retreat to my basement and work on my boat the project my daughter and I started. I promised that we would finish it and even though she is unable to help me I keep working on it keeping my promise. Marines always keep their promises. I think it is the memories and the promise that keep me going.
Days that I need advise, I go to my long time friend who works in the morgue downstairs. He is the only one that knows and understands. He helps me along my times of darkness reassuring me in his special way, taking my mind on a ride through happy memories he knows and remembers of my family. I think it is the only time I feel safe to show my true emotions, without being judged. I sometimes cry when I am with him, but I do not fell lesser a man afterwards. He comforts me be placing a hand on my shoulder, that is all it takes from him to make you feel better.
I will always remember my family they will never be forgotten or misplaced from my memories. I will live for them and love no one else other than them. I may have changed on the outside but I have not changed my love for them.
Today is my Birthday no one knows. My colleagues leave the office just like every other day, unaware. Surprised I hear one "Happy Birthday" and I look up to see my young goth friend. I smile at her, a real smile. And she lightly kisses my cheek and I close my eyes. She reminds me of my daughter and I feel safe to give a smile. She soon follows the others and I reach into my desk drawer holding my favorite and dearest possession, a Birthday present from my wife and daughter, a silver flask. I take a sip from it softly speaking two words SEMPER FY "Always Faithful" and I think of my family. I stay in my spot feeling a comforting presence from my family, but I know as soon as I leave I will once again be forever in pain.