Before I was born, life was great.
My brother Seto actually slept. He did his homework and made excellent grades. He could focus on his dreams. Yes, Seto had dreams. He dreamed of becoming something great. He wanted to help people. Always. When Dad needed to change the oil in the family car, Seto was there to help him. When Mama needed assistance in the kitchen for dinner, Seto was there to be of assistance. He loved life. He played soccer, had friends and a loving family. When Dad and Mama had time they would play games with him. It didn't matter what kind of game, they just played. Dad taught Seto many different types of board games, but Seto's particular favorite was chess. Seto liked the power it gave him. He was so used to being on top that beating our father at a board game was like a new drug for him. Mama and Dad were impressed with Seto's skills. They were happy. They were a picturesque happy family.
Then I was born.
Mama had gotten sick after giving birth to her first son, Seto. He was a big baby and when he came out of her to breathe into this life for the first time, he kicked out so hard he broke her tailbone. After that, the doctors discovered she had weak bones and the beginnings of osteoporosis. Her kidneys were also in bad shape and her left one had to be removed. They told her very specifically, "If you have another child, there is a possibility we won't be able to save you or it. Please, if you value your life and your family, be careful." Mama and Dad knew what they meant.
So for five years they raised Seto to be the best son they could ask for. They raised him to value his education and to always be driven. They taught him to respect his elders and he ate his veggies. He even went to bed by curfew. Seto was the perfect child.
Holidays were always great. Mama would make a feast to feed the entire family on Thanksgiving. Uncles, aunts and cousins would come and eat. Some would stay the night. Halloween was always fun because Seto and Dad would go out and get the most candy, Mama watching carefully to avoid being hit by cars or be jumped by mischievous teenagers. Christmas was their holiday just for them. On Christmas Eve they would camp out in front of the fireplace and leave out cookies and milk for Santa. Seto would sleep peacefully on the couch with Mama as Dad would roll up from the floor, put on his Santa suit and take the gifts they hid in various places and place them under the tree. He would stuff goodies in the stockings. Dad would then take the suit off, hide it again, and go back to his place on the rug before the fireplace. The next morning, Seto would awaken to numerous presents under the tree and open them all. Mama and Dad were proud to be able to make their son happy. He deserved it after all. Valentine's Day, Dad would come home from work with a huge bouquet of red and white roses for Mama and a sappy card. Seto would get a plush cat holding a heart and some candy. Then, Seto would give Dad a card he made himself. Mama would cook a lovely dinner and they would all eat happily. All the holidays were good.
One December, a few days after Christmas, Mama found out she was pregnant. She didn't know what to do. Mama didn't believe in abortion. It wasn't a religious reason, she just felt it was wrong. She knew Seto wanted a sibling. He wanted someone to play with, someone on his level. She also knew Dad wouldn't mind hearing the pitter patter of some other little feet. They were still young. Why not go for another?
She knew her health was on the line but she figured that by now some improvement had been made in medicine. She would live.
When she went to the doctor for her checkup, he told her she was being foolish. Yes her health seemed fine, but she could have another attack if I were to be born. Was she sure she didn't want the abortion?
She was damn sure.
So she went through all her trimesters with no problems. Fate seemed to be in her favor.
But the day of reckoning had come.
Mama went into labor during a meeting with one of Seto's teachers. They believed he was a genius and had asked to take his IQ. They wanted him to skip grades and go straight to college. They knew a child like him would be an enormous asset to society. But my need to be birthed had interrupted the meeting and Mama was rushed to the hospital.
She was too weak though. Her kidney went into shock and her blood pressure rose. I was brought in to this world. Mama held me, looked to Dad and said, "Mokuba." Then her head collapsed on a pillow. Dad took me in his arms while the nurse went to check her vitals. She was dead.
Dad didn't know what to do. He stood there with me in his arms. I was a quiet newborn. I didn't cry. I was alive though, but at what cost?
The nurses said they would clean me and my dad had to go tell Seto the news. Seto was sitting in the waiting room, clasping and unclasping his hands. He stared out the window as he prayed that his little sibling was okay and Mama was alright. Dad coughed a little to get Seto's attention.
Seto's eyes grew in curiosity. "Is the baby okay?"
"Yes, son. You have a little brother." Dad smiled but then he sighed.
Seto was too perceptive and he knew something was wrong. "What about Mama?"
"Seto…" Dad struggled and he crumpled to the ground, wailing like the infant he now had.
Seto didn't have to ask. He knew what happened to her. He clutched Dad in a hug, trying his best not to cry. "I'll protect him."
Dad stopped crying and looked at his firstborn. "What Seto?"
"I'll protect my brother for Mama's sake. Then she can look down at us and be happy knowing even though she's gone, we'll still be happy."
Dad's tears didn't stop but he smiled at Seto anyway and patted his shoulder. "She would like that."
A few days later I was brought home.
Seto was worse than a mother hen. He was always by my side as a baby. He changed my diapers and gave me baths. He fed me. When I slept at night, he was curled up on a mattress by my bed, every nerve on edge if I dare cry so he could come to my aid. Seto was always there for me.
So we grew to be a happy family again, minus a mother.
I never knew her, but I was told I look like her. She had long, thick, black hair that she always wore in a braid along her back. Her skin was naturally darker than the average white skin color. Her eyes were a grey blue that resembled the night sky. She was playful but very watchful when it came to her children. Mama bear at her best.
In reality everything went really well. Dad got a promotion so money was never an issue. I had to stay in daycare because Seto had school and Dad had work and our relatives lived too far away.
I remember though that at the daycare, I was always the butt of some joke. Other boys thought I looked too much like a girl. My dad insisted on never cutting my hair. He loved it because it reminded him of Mama. Seto liked it too. He like to hide things in it. It seemed to swallow everything in its bushy, black mess.
I was always pushed down or taunted. I cried, begging for my brother to save me. After many incidents like this, Dad called for an aunt of ours to look after me. Her husband had died and she wanted to move out of the house because it reminded her of him. She moved into a house only a few streets away. She smelled like she wore too much perfume. She always wore her hair in a tight bun and she wore too much makeup. Her nose was pointy and her eyes lacked the warmth a mother would have. If I cried she'd lock me in my room. She only fed me crackers and water. She threatened that if I dare rat on her, she'd make my life a living hell. She swore a lot too. Though I was only months from my third birthday, I already hated her.
Dad never knew of her evilness and one day he never came home. Auntie got a phone call from someone and her face paled. She hung up and told Seto and me to pack our things. We were moving.
Seto looked at her skeptically. "Since when?" He yelled in his sarcastic way. He was eight.
"Your dad's dead. You get to live with me till they can figure out what to do with you two."
Seto's entire body froze in shock and I wailed like I never have before.
We stayed with her, but not for long. She found a new husband and had to get rid of "extra baggage." We lived with Gran but she soon passed away. Some cousins took us in and kept using this money they mysteriously acquired to buy expensive things.
Seto soon figured out that the money was our inheritance but it was too late. They dumped us off in an orphanage.
It was probably one of the worst days of my life.
The cousins drove off, leaving me and Seto in their dust. I still remember how I felt. I was only five years old and I already knew hardships that most people don't experience until they are much older. I remember how I clung to Seto's shirttail and how he stood tall and proud. I knew my brother well; this was only a new challenge for him. I on the other hand was quite nervous and I felt so insignificant. I wanted to crumble into a ball and cry. I wanted Seto to save me from this nightmare. I wanted Dad to tell me everything was alright. I wanted…my Mama! I wanted her to magically reappear and hold me close and whisper sweet nothings in my ear. That's all I wanted.
The owner of the place welcomed us and led us to our new rooms. The rooms were small and Seto and I had to share with two other boys. They didn't talk to us. When Seto and I entered, they leered at us and their scowls made me shudder. They weren't the friendliest guys I ever met. I was shaking.
Seto made me release my death grip on his shirt and sat our bags on the bed. Seto then turned to me. "Want to play outside, Moky?"
I nodded fervently. Anything to escape from those mean stares. Seto grasped my hand and we trotted to the playground.
There was a swing set and a slide. Surrounding the play things was sand. I sat in a swing and Seto gently pushed. We played in the sand and Seto built an enormous sand castle. He told me that it was just a rough draft of the huge amusement park he planned on building for poor kids around the world. I beamed at it in awe until those mean boys came along and kicked it away.
Seto stared at where his masterpiece once was. He glared at the two boys. They leered back and one of them grabbed me. "Hey, you a boy or a girl? You look like a girl to me!" He pulled my hair hard and I started to cry.
"Yeah, that's right cry like a girl, you little baby!" The guy soon ate his words because out of nowhere, Seto tackled him and punched his nose in. Blood gushed from his proboscis and he was the one crying like a baby.
The boys ran off, but we both knew they'd come back with a vengeance.
That's how our days at the orphanage went. We lived in fear every day. One minute I was being bullied, the next someone tried to take my brother away from me.
The people who came to adopt inspected all the children's records. Most of them were interested in Seto because of his extreme intellect. However, my brother refused to be separated from me.
It was a long time before we were adopted and even so, I think that maybe it would have been better if Seto had just gone along with the first parents that requested him as their son and left me behind. Because the only man that would take us both turned out to be cruel and mean and… just plain evil!
The minute we entered his mansion, I knew something was wrong. He made Seto undergo an accelerated homeschooling program. He taught Seto himself. He never let Seto rest. Day in, day out, Seto was studying when he could have been playing outside. If Seto dared to fall asleep while doing homework, Gozaburo would hit him with a bullwhip. At first it worked. But then the scars ran so deep that the skin calloused over and Seto grew immune to the pain. Gozaburo switched tactics and threatened my safety. That kept Seto going: me.
Even so, Seto slowly started to change. He became focused on the company and schoolwork and gave up games for awhile. I usually sat by myself in the play room and would play Super Nintendo by myself. Sometimes, when I was sure there were no servants around, I would cry and blame myself for Seto's cruelty. Sometimes he would hurt me. I didn't know why. He blamed me for things that I knew I didn't do. Even so, I loved him no matter what.
When Seto turned 15, he was able to take over and Gozaburo jumped out of his former office's window. That was Seto's revenge. Gozaburo had taught him that "to lose is to die" and Seto made him eat those words.
After that, Seto became different. Ever since we were adopted, he stopped calling me Moky, and his once loving eyes that were welcoming like the sky turned icy and cold and dangerous. Seto rarely smiled anymore. Gozaburo, metaphorically speaking, killed my brother.
Seto and I soon grew apart. He would focus on building his reputation as the best Duel Monsters player and strive to make his company the best. I would go to school and come home. We rarely saw each other. We never played anymore. Before I was born, Seto lived to play. Now, he lived to work.
Even so, I still love him.
Before I was born, Seto wasn't afraid to show any emotion. Now, he kept up a cold indifference that was lethal in board meetings.
Even so, I still love him.
Before I was born, Seto was happy. He had parents, he had a fun life, he had a loving home. Now, he has a weak little brother who caused him all this grief. He's an orphan because of me. His life is anything but fun. The mansion is always empty, despite maids bustling about.
Even so, I still love him.
Before I was born, Seto had comparatively nothing. Now, he had all the money and technology he could ever want at his disposal. But as they say, money doesn't buy happiness.
Even so, I still love him.
I close the journal and scrapbook and tears cascade over my lids. I set the books aside and slump away from my desk. It took awhile to collect all those painful memories. It was hard work getting those photos, but I did it. I don't know why I did, but I guess I needed to know the truth.
Seto had somehow saved all the photos of life before the orphanage. Before I was born. I placed them in a scrapbook and Seto told me all the stories of the life that so easily left us. I collected all his thoughts into a journal. By doing so, I realize now that I was a huge mistake. My birth shouldn't have happened. I was the cause of all the grief. It was me. It was all me.
I quietly walk into Seto's home office. He's busy typing on his laptop. I pull out my sketchbook from the coffee table drawer and sketch. I drew an angel whose wings were being slowly ripped apart. I look through my past drawings and notice how depressing they are. A bird falling out of a tree. A baby seal stranded on a small glacier and surrounded by hungry polar bears. A dark figure standing alone in an alleyway, leering at the viewer. A lot of the drawings had knives in them. Or guns. Death in general. There was lots of blood. Despair. Depression.
I can't recall when I first slid into my depression. It must have been a little bit after all the hubbub with the Millennium Items. Seto immediately started working even more and I had entered high school. I took to drawing and I sketched almost nonstop. I wrote short stories. All of it included death of something. Depression had taken hold of my soul and I used these facilities to pour it out and ease it. It only got worse over time.
I had taken to hurting myself. I made it seem accidental, but it wasn't. A girl in my PE class wanted to try straightening my hair. I saw the hot flat iron as a way to hurt myself and alleviate my mental pain so I grabbed it by the scorching ceramic. I recoiled and looked at my palm. A pink blister had formed. Though I relished in the pain, I blamed the "accident" on the girl and so flat irons were prohibited. Occasionally, I would slam my locker on my hand and scream out in pain, though I was secretly enjoying it. I always went to the nurse and had it wrapped and when I got home, it was the only way I could get Seto to actually look at me.
I sat on the sofa, examining my sketches. I wonder what Seto would think of them. After writing a short note in the sketchbook, I placed the book on the sofa and got up. "Hey, Seto, I think I might go hang out with Yugi. Is that okay?" I notice how my voice sounds so flat.
"Sure Mokuba." I'm sure he didn't even hear what I said.
"Really?"
"Mokuba, just go." He sounded tired, so I left.
Naturally of course I lied. I'm not going to go hang out with Yugi Mutou! Despite that he is my friend, right now I just need to be alone. After all, once this is all over, no one will have to worry about me again. I think back on all the times I was kidnapped and how my brother and Yugi would go out of their way to save me. I only caused trouble.
I walk for what seemed like hours and look at the building that lay before me. It was the orphanage. It had closed down because it wasn't getting anymore clients. I pick the padlock on the gate and it creaked open. I saunter in and look directly to my left. There was the swing set, rusted and dilapidated.
Seeing it makes me think of all the times I would sit there alone while adoptive parents would interrogate Seto. I sometimes sat there for hours. Tonight, I would do the same.
I sat in the rotten rubber seat and pull out my razor sharp pocket knife. I admire its silver beauty and how the cold steel reminds me of my brother's eyes. Ironic that the one that loves me has driven me to this.
I grit my teeth and slice open my wrist. One, two, three…there aren't enough numbers for the number of times I caused my brother pain. So I keep cutting until I get to the crease in my elbow. By now, I was bleeding enough for a donation and I started to get light headed.
I fall backwards out of the seat. I notice how the sky is lavender. I crane my head up and see the sunset.
"The end of the day means the end of my life." I whisper my last words and my eyes slowly shut.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Seto, if you're reading this, then it must be too late.
I love you, my brother, so I have to make one last good bye. I know I cause you lots of trouble and that sometimes I'm too much of a pain to bother with. So I'm doing you a favor and getting rid of myself.
After I saw the pictures of our parents and your life before I was born and hearing your stories, I realized that I am only causing more trouble by being in existence. I know you promised to always protect me, but at what cost? You're miserable and me living is just prolonging that misery.
Seto, I love you. That's why I'm doing this.
I love you so much that I'll tell you where to find my body. I'm in the old Domino Orphanage. It's closed now. I'll be by the swing set.
Don't try to save me. By the time you get to me, my wrist will have bled out and I will no longer be of this world.
Again, I love you Seto. Don't be sad over me. This is for the best.
Your little brother forever,
Mokuba
I couldn't believe what I was reading. About 15 minutes after Mokuba left, I realized that he was gone. I heard him say he was going to Mutou's so I called the residence of my arch rivaland as soon as he answered the phone with "Hello. Game Shop." I immediately told him to have my brother home before sundown.
"Kaiba? Mokuba isn't here." Yugi seemed confused.
"He told me he was going over to your house Yugi. Surely he's there by now." The game shop wasn't that far away. I could make it in less than ten minutes if I walked. Mokuba's legs may be shorter but he has twice the energy as me. Well, he used to…
"Kaiba? You okay?"
"Yugi, call me when Mokuba gets there." I hung up.
I get up suddenly from my desk and think of Mokuba's behavior of late. He seemed to have calmed down a bit. Mokuba was usually perky and hyper. He was always cheerful. At first I just thought his different behavior was him maturing but then I think of all his little "accidents" at school. He smashed his hand in his locker numerous times and he burned it once with a girl's flat iron. Those aren't accidents that occur more than once. They especially don't happen on a weekly basis.
I notice Mokuba's highlighter yellow sketchbook lying on the sofa. Mokuba always picks up after himself. I was about to open it when I felt it burning my hand. It didn't literally, but it seemed to want to tell me to open it. I'm against prying into people's privacy, but this was my brother, so I just had to.
I opened up to marvelous drawings. I didn't realize Mokuba had such talent. He always liked to draw, but I never knew he was serious. Perhaps I'll help him into an art school…
I look through it and notice a central theme to all of the drawings. Death. Despair. Loss. Hurt. I realized that these drawings were like a window into Mokuba's soul. Mokuba was upset over something. The last page I saw was text rather than sketches. It was a letter.
I read it and realized Mokuba was committing suicide. This note was a suicide letter, his last good bye.
I'm riding in my limo down the street now, the letter's contents being permanently etched in my mind. We're going way past the speed limit, but my brother's life is at stake. Any opposing cop can have a word with my lawyer.
The limo screeches to a stop in front of the former orphanage. I race out, slip through the opening in the gate and find my brother lying on his back, disoriented, in a pool of his own blood.
"Mokuba!" I cry in both relief and worry. Mokuba seems too far gone. I bark to the driver, "Tell the KaibaCorp Emergency Hospital Center that I'm coming in with a half dead Mokuba!" The driver nods and immediately makes the call.
I take Mokuba in my arms. "Mokuba?" I say, trying to wake him from his deathly stupor as I was walking to the limo. Though I thought it was impossible now, tears came to my eyes as I cry out desperately for my brother. "Moky?"
Hearing his nickname that is no longer in use seems to stir him. The limo is going faster than Sonic the hedgehog as we race to the company['s hospital in an attempt to undo the damage my brother has done. "Seto…?"
"It's okay, kiddo. I'm here."
"Seto! You got my letter…?"
"Yes and it was the most horrifying thing I've ever read. How dare you think I would want you to off yourself?!" I know now was not the time to reprimand him, but he's my brother. I can get away with it.
"But Seto…"
"Mokuba, I'm not miserable. I'm an adult now. I can't always have fun and games." I realize that I have been working too much lately and Mokuba just wanted to spend time with me. We barely do so anymore. He's getting older and he needs me in order to understand the microcosm of the real world that is high school.
"Seto… I'm sorry…" He's crying and bleeding in my arms. "I just… You never pay attention anymore…"
"I know and I'm sorry."
Mokuba clings to me tightly. "I don't want to leave yet! I was wrong! Seto, save me!"
"Don't I always?" I ask with a slight smirk as the nurses instantaneously open the limo and take Mokuba in a stretcher.
"Big Brother! I love you!" He cries as he's taken to the emergency room.
"I do too, Moky!" I yell back. In a quieter voice, I say, "And I always wished you were born. I don't regret a thing."
My brother's in good hands. I reflect on the times before Mokuba was born. Yes, life was the best, but Mokuba being born made me who I am. Made us strong. Made us powerful. Mokuba may think that the money may be worthless compared to the love of biological parents, but what he doesn't realize is that I have everything I want. I promised my parents to always protect Mokuba. He is all I ever wanted. He represents a dying breed of mother: the mother who will literally die for her child to have life. What Mokuba doesn't realize is that before he was born, I had no purpose of living. I was smart, but I was given everything. Mokuba's birth, his life alone made me into a fighter. He made me into someone who will do whatever it takes to protect the ones he loves. I was smart, but now I'm sly. Before he was born, I had nothing. Now, I have everything, and I'm grateful for it.
I will never think back on the past again. Mokuba's life is the only thing I need to focus on for now. Not work, not avenging my lost Duel Monsters title. Mokuba's life. Without his birth and our mother's sacrifice, I would literally be nothing. And I need to repay him for that.