Hey everyone... This is my first story. Well really it's not my story, because... well it's a parody. But anyway, if you're looking for a cheep thrill here it is. The Matchbreaker, and parody of The Matchmaker by Thorton Wilder.
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Disclaimer: I do not own this story, or the characters.
Mr. Vandergelder... Bowser
Ambrose... Yoshi
Joe...Waluigi
Gertrude... Kamek
Cornelius... Luigi
Ermengarde... Birdo
Malachi... Toad
Mrs. Levi... Peach
Barnaby... Mario
Mrs. Molloy... Daisy
Minnie... Toadette
Cabman... Wario
Rudolf... Toadsworth
Miss Van Huysen... Kammy
The Matchbreaker, act one
It is a bright and sunny morning in the Mushroom Kingdom. Bowser is sitting in his favorite chair, getting ready for his big day... a marriage. This is a big deal indeed, because Bowser's only love has been his wallet, he has always loved his money, and now that's about to change.
Bowser is in his house beginning shaved by his barber, Waluigi, and is in deep conversation with Yoshi.
Bowser (obviously angry): Now listen here Yoshi! I'll tell you for the hundredth time you will never marry my niece.
Yoshi: Well, I'll tell you for the thousandth, that I will marry your niece and right soon too!
Bowser (dismissing the conversation): Now away with you Yoshi, I have more important matters to deal with.
Yoshi: Your niece is of age, Bowser, Birdo has consented to marry me! This is free country – Bowser, not some private kingdom of your own!
Bowser: There are no free countries for fools, Yoshi. Now thanks for your visit, and you better leave before I make you!
As Bowser stands up, Waluigi jumps back afraid that he might cut Bowser's throat.
Waluigi: Bowser, will you please sit still for one minute? If I cut your throat, it'll practically be unintentional.
Bowser (to Yoshi): And besides Birdo doesn't need someone who can't support her.
Yoshi: But I can support her! I make a very good living.
Bowser: Ha! You call what you do a living? Selling a painting here and there... ooo big whoop! Now you listen here Yoshi, a living is made by selling something that people need at least once a year. You... painters, sell stuff that no one needs.
Yoshi: Are you mocking me?
Bowser: Are you mocking me? Oh shut up and leave!
Yoshi reluctantly turns around and begins to leave, but suddenly Kamek comes crashing into the room.
Kamek (deaf old man): BOWSER!
Bowser: Yes, Kamek?
Kamek: Bowser! I just finished Birdo's stuff, she's been helping me.
Bowser: That's nice... now go tell Luigi I need to talk to him.
Kamek: Yes sir! BIRDO YOUR UNCLE WANTS TO SPEAK TO YOU!
Bowser: No you idiot! LUIGI!
Kamek: Don't shout, don't' shout, I can hear perfectly well.. (while descending down the stairs) MARIO!
Bowser: sigh
Waluigi: There, I'm finally finished.
Bowser: Fine, very fine, Waluigi. I enjoy it very much, you did a magnificent job!
Waluigi: All I did was trim your hair and give you a nice clean shave.
Bowser: Yes, and it was wonderful! Here take 10 coins and enjoy yourself.
Waluigi: Yes sir! (Takes the coins and heads down stairs.)
Birdo slowly walks into the room.
Birdo: You wanted to speak to me?
Bowser: No, I didn't Kamek is just deaf, but since you're here, I guess I could talk to you. Well I had a talk with that boy friend of yours.
Birdo: Oh! Wasn't he the greatest? Isn't he so cute? Oh I—
Bowser: He's a fool!
Birdo (bursting into uncontrollable sobs): What! NO! How could you say something like that!
Bowser: Well he is, all he does is sell paintings.
Birdo: All you do is sit here and insult people.
Bowser: I do not you loathsome girl!
Birdo (sobbing even harder): Oh uncle, how could you say things like that to me?
Bowser: Why are you crying?
Birdo: Because I love him!
Bowser: Who?
Birdo: YOSHI!
Bowser: Oh yah, him. Forget him.
Birdo: But I love him!
Bowser: Too bad!
Birdo: If I don't marry Yoshi, I know I'll die?
Bowser: Of what?
Birdo: A broken heart.
Bowser: Eww, that could get messy. Ugh, look I've scheduled Peach to come take you to Kammy's house tonight. You can stay there until you get this nonsense out of your puny little head of yours.
Toad enters the room.
Bowser: And you are?
Toad (obviously nervous): Um, Toad, sir. I... I heard you wanted an apprentice.
Bowser: Birdo, leave.
Birdo (still crying): Okay...
Bowser: So do you have any letters of recommendation?
Toad ( almost too eager to please): Yep! Yes sir! Right here.
Toad searches his pockets but finds nothing.
Toad: Ugh... ummmmmm, I thought I had them, oh well I must have lost him. So got any beer?
Bowser: Ya right... hey! This is supposed to be a job interview, you've lost your papers, your asking for beer, and you expect me to hire you?
Toad says nothing but keeps smiling.
Bowser: Well I could use you in Toad Town today.
Toad: YAY!
Bowser: Please, don't get too excited.
Toad: OKAY!
Bowser: Please, now I want you to take Birdo's suitcase to the train station in Toad Town. Then meet me at Tase T.'s restaurant.
Toad: Yes, yes sir! Train station. Tase T.'s restaurant. You won't regret this one bit, not at all.
Toad turns around and falls down the stairs.
Toad: I'm all right.
Bowser: Ugh, I regret this already.
Luigi walks up:
Luigi: Yes sir, you would like to speak to me?
Bowser: Ah yes, Luigi. I was thinking of promoting you today.
Luigi: Really? Wow!
Bowser: Yes, now all I want you to do is get Mario up here, I need to talk to both of you... I think I'll give both of you a promotion.
Luigi: Really? Wow!
Bowser: Okay, I've had enough of you go away.
Luigi: Yes sir.
Luigi walks down the stairs, and Birdo enters from the bedroom.
Birdo: When are we going to take my luggage to the train station?
Bowser: Ugh, Toad forgot to take it. . . idiot. Anyway, I want you to get prepared, Peach will be taking you to the train station. I want you to take your own luggage.
Birdo (bursting into tears): But it's too heavy!
Bowser: Kamek will help you.
Kamek (from downstairs): HUH?!?!
Bowser: Kamek! Get up here!
Kamek: Alright.
Kamek walks up the stairs, followed by Luigi, and Mario.
Bowser: Help, Birdo get her stuff to the station.
Kamek: Okay, okay... Birdo darling come with me.
Birdo and Kamek walk back into the bedroom, as Peach enters from downstairs
Peach: Hello
Bowser: Peach, I'm glad you came... I wish to speak to you, once I'm done with these two.
Peach: Oh, yes of course.
Bowser: Boys! I called you up here to tell about your promotion, and also to tell you to shape up your act. Boys, you're going to have to keep this place cleaner... because you're going to have a mistress.
Mario: Me? But I'm to young!
Bowser: Not you, you idiot! ME! Now if the downstairs is spotless when I'm done up here, you just might get a few extra coins
Luigi and Mario: Yes sir!
Mario and Luigi rush down the stairs.
Bowser: Now, Peach... can I ask a favor from you?
Peach: Yes of course.
Bowser: I was planning to go down to Ms. Daisy's Hat store this afternoon, but I'm too nervous... I was wanting to ask her to go out with me, but I'm too embarrassed.
Peach: Oh, Bowser, there's nothing to be embarrassed about, Ms. Daisy is an extremely nice woman. I'm sure she'd like you.
Bowser: But will you please come with me. . . she knows you better.
Peach: Oh all right. Meet me at the bench in front of Daisy's hat store around noon, we'll go in together.
Bowser: Okay, yes I need to go. I'm going to be late, for that...uhhhhh... Thing.
Peach: Oh yes, you wouldn't want to be late for the thing.
Bowser rushes out of his house, as Peach walks into the bedroom to help Birdo and Kamek.
Peach(from inside the bedroom): Birdo, could you please go out into the living room. I left my purse out there.
Birdo walks in, but is stopped by a mysterious voice coming from the stairway.
Mysterious voice from the stairway: Psssst!
Birdo: Yoshi!
She rushed over to the stairs as Yoshi steps up.
Yoshi: Birdo, my love. Please come with me.
Birdo: I need my luggage.
Yoshi: Forget your luggage, come with me. We're running away/
Birdo (impossibly loud): RUNNING AWAY!
Kamek (from inside bedroom): HUH?
Yoshi: Shhhh, now please come with me. Bowser doesn't want me marrying you. He's planning to you keep me away from you.
Birdo (even louder): KEEP YOU AWAY!
Yoshi: Birdo, please. . . Now if you come with me, we can get married.
Birdo: Yoshi, you know I want to marry you. . . but under these circumstances. I don't thank I can.
Yoshi: But this may be our only chance.
Their conversation is interrupted by Peach who walks into the room.
Peach: how long does it take to find a purse! Oh hello, Yoshi. I hope you're not planning anything inexplicable.
Yoshi: No, not at all.
Birdo: But he is! He wants to run away with me and get married... and forget my luggage!
Peach: Oh dear lord, not your luggage!
Birdo: I know!
Peach: Don't you two worry. I'll talk to Bowser for you... I can convene to make the right choice. Believe me, we'll be dancing at your wedding real soon.
Yoshi: Thank you, Peach. With that. I bed you farewell Birdo, and I shall meet you tonight for dinner.
Birdo: Goodbye, Yoshi.
Yoshi descends down the stairs, as Kamek struggles in with Birdo's luggage.
Peach: Okay, Birdo. Your luggage will be shipped to Kammy's house. Bowser and I shall meet you and Yoshi there, Hopefully I can get him to allow you two to wed.
Birdo: Oh thank you Peach.
Kamek, Peach, and Birdo all leave the house.
Mario and Luigi walk up.
Luigi: Ugh
Mario: What's wrong.
Luigi: Don't you realize our 'few extra coins' was the exact amount of coins we get everyday.
Mario: No, but they looked a little shinnier!
Luigi: That's not the point. I'm tired of staying here! I want to go out and have adventure! To have fun!
Mario: But, who would watch the store.
Luigi: You remember last year when all those rotten tomato cans exploded, and the smell was so bad we had to close the store?
Mario: Yah...
Luigi: Well some more are about to explode.
Mario: Holy cabooses! How do you know?
Luigi: I know they're rotten, all they need is a little heat and BAM! They explode.
Mario: Okay, you go blow 'em up. I'll stay up here where it's safe.
Luigi walks down the stairs, and few seconds later a loud bang can be heard, as a horrible stench fills the entire house.
Mario: Eww, Luigi. I can smell it all the way up here.
Luigi runs up the stairs, holding his nose.
Luigi: Mario, put on your best clothes. We're going to Toad Town!
Luigi and Mario both run out of the store, and head to Toad Town with high hopes, and eyes open for adventure.
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So what did you think... yes I know there's probably a few spelling errors spell check didn't catch... but oh well. I hope you enjoyed it.
With all due respect,
J. R. Williams