Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh!, Duelist Kingdom, or Maxamillian Pegasus. Duh. I don't own possibly transsexual pedophiles. Nor do I wish to.
A/N: So FifthDayOfMay, who is writing a story with Lyn in it, and I were talking on AIM about Pegasus and his questionable behavior in DK and how we think he's a pervert and a pedophile… oh, and I was reading Seto Kaiba: Memoirs of an Anorexic in Denial… XD So yeah. We were randomly thinking about how Lyn should punish Pegasus for the DK incident and thus the idea for this fic was born in my insane little mind. :P
Oh, and if you want to know just who Lyn is, go read We're not in a FANFIC! by Reneey Umbra. Both the story and author are in my favorites.
Reviews rock.
101 Ways to Kill Maximillion Pegasus
Lyn sighed as she slammed shut the calculus book she had just been working problems out of. Well, now that math homework was over… she could sit and be bored for two hours until Reneey got back from stalking – er, I mean, visiting Bonz. She thought about listening to music on her cell phone but thought better of it; she already had a headache, and calculus hadn't helped that. She also thought about turning the TV on, but there was nothing worth watching on these stupid TVs in anime-land.
Argh, why did Yugi have to be busy with the stupid game shop that she couldn't even make him let Yami out of the puzzle so that she could annoy her dad!? Oh, that's right, because his idget grandpa was still out of commission after having his soul sealed in a card. Because that was oh so straining. Okay, so maybe a little, but darn it, you were fine once you came back…
Evil freaking Pegasus – all of this was his fault. Stupid, annoying, egotistical, perverted, insane, overconfident, overbearing, pathetic pedophile… Going around sealing people's souls in cards and calling people 'boy' in that silken, perverted tone that made Lyn want to puke and throttle him at the same time… Mostly because he had used it on Seto…
Then she grinned. It wasn't just her normal crooked grin, but a crazy, almost evil one. That was a good plan: kill Pegasus. Not only was he the one making her bored, but he had hurt Seto! It was the perfect solution! But how to do it? There were so many ways. Maybe she could think of something with a nice irony to it, or a poetic justice of some sort… There were so many options…
I should make a list and weigh it all. Then I can decide which one would be best!
And so she picked up her clipboard, removed the sheets of paper which contained her math homework, picked up her favorite pen, and began to write:
Ways to Kill Maximillion Pegasus
1. Throttle him.
2. Stab him.
3. Shoot him with a bullet.
4. Shoot him with an arrow.
5. Impale him.
6. Beat him to death.
7. Throw knives at him.
8. Drown him.
9. Drown him in lemon juice so it burns more when he inhales.
10. Drown him in tabasco sauce so it burns more even when he DOESN'T inhale.
11. Set him on fire.
12. Inform the world that he is a pedophile. Have him shipped off to prison somewhere, and let the inmates deal with him.
13. Let Reneey loose on him, after telling her that he still has the Millennium Eye and that she should take it from him at any expense necessary.
14. Lock him in his dungeon and tell no one that he is there. He'll die eventually.
15. Call the cops and tip them off that the 'apple juice' he offers around at dueling tournaments (to underage duelists!) is NOT just juice.
16. Hire an assassin to kill him.
17. Smother him.
18. Burn him at the stake.
19. Crucify him.
20. Crucify him, Babylonian style.
21. Bury him alive.
22. Push him into a volcano.
23. Push him into a deep fryer.
24. Dose his wine with rat poison.
25. Send him to Tennessee with a sign that says 'I hate Lynyrd Skynyrd' taped to his back.
26. Give him a t-shirt that says 'I Hate Math' and send him to Kaiba Corp to apply for a job.
27. Inform the police that he is a necrophiliac.
28. Send him to the Seto Kaiba fangirls at Another Anime Convention.
29. Blow him up.
30. Carve a Swastika on his forehead and drop him in Israel.
31. Tell Interpol he is an albino member of the Taliban.
32. Give him a weird hat of some kind and leave him on the doorstep of someone who hates Cher.
33. Send him to a former Black Panther.
34. Drop him in New Jersey and tell every teenage girl you meet that he plots to kill the Jonas Brothers.
35. Stone him.
36. Skin him.
37. Gut him.
38. Tell Bill Gates that he said he was the hotter millionaire.
39. Send him on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.
40. Borrow Seto's Blue-Eyes White Dragon jet and drop him out of it.
41. Borrow Seto's airship and drop him out of it.
42. Push him off of the Kaiba Corp building.
43. Set a Burmese tiger trap in front of his chair.
44. Carve his heart out.
45. Carve his heart out with a plastic spoon.
46. Electrocute him.
47. Tell Dad he propositioned me.
48. Then explain what 'propositioned' means.
49. Call the American government and convince them to nuke his island.
50. Behead him.
51. Dismember him.
52. Hang him.
53. Force-feed him drain cleaner.
54. Drop the works of J.R.R. Tolkien (hardback editions) on his head.
55. Convince him that the guy in black with the big axe is really a magician and that's why he wants to cut him in half.
56. Put him in a Civil War reenactment and give the one who will be firing at him real bullets.
57. Find the one Pegasus fangirl on the face of the planet and hand him over.
58. Put a scratch-n-sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool and tell him you'll shoot him if he comes back up before he can tell you what scent it is.
59. At midnight, send him to a bunch of paranoid people who think vampires are real. He's pale enough, and has the silver hair…
60. Shove him in a locked room with Charles Manson.
61. And someone who Manson can brainwash into killing him.
62. Tie a red bandana on his head and drop him in Crip territory.
63. Tie a blue bandana on his head and drop him in Blood territory.
64. Poison him.
65. Replace his shampoo with napalm.
66 Switch the water in his pool with acid.
67. Make him swear on his life to do any one thing. Then tell him that one thing is to kill himself.
68. Throw kunai at him.
69. Throw shuriken at him.
70. Put glass in his food.
71. Tell his slightly psychotic cook that he has plans to fire him.
72. Tell his more-than-slightly psychotic chauffeur that he has plans to fire him.
73. Force him to listen to that annoying circus music until he commits suicide.
74. Pipe carbon monoxide into his room while he is sleeping.
75. Bury him in dry ice.
76. Tell Seto that he had a slightly more perverse ulterior motive for kidnapping Mokuba.
77. Tell Seto that he had a slightly more perverse ulterior motive for kidnapping Seto.
78. Introduce him to the Ghost of Gobble.
79. Trick him into a who's-the-better-mind-reader contest with Edward Cullen from Twilight.
80. Trick him into insulting Chuck Norris.
81. Tell Bakura he propositioned Reneey.
82. And, again, explain what 'propositioned' means.
83. After taking away the Millennium Ring so Bakura can't just send him to the Shadow Realm.
84. Feed him to a pack of hungry wolves.
85. Drop him in the middle of Yellowstone National Forest. Wait for the reports that bones of the missing link have been found there.
86. Break the safety on a nail gun and shoot him with it.
87. Drop him off a plane in Antarctica.
88. Bury him in raw meat and throw him into a tiger cage.
89. Make him sing a Britney Spears song in public.
90. Dip him in a vat of boiling oil.
91. Feet first, so it takes longer.
92. Pay some people to dress up as Roman soldiers, get a cross ready, and convince him that he is Jesus and so must go to Calvary.
93. Make him tick off a voodoo priestess.
94. Throw him off of that stupid ferry to Duelist Kingdom and DON'T throw him the life preserver.
95. Enlist him in boot camp and then tell the other recruits that he's a pedophile.
96. Convince him to be the guy who gets shot out of a cannon at a circus… but conveniently forget to put up the net and crash pads.
97. Run him over.
98. Teach him how to cuss someone out in Italian and send him backpacking across Europe.
99. Find a serial killer who specializes in rich, albino pedophiles.
100. Give him a million papercuts until he slowly bleeds to death.
101. Tell him that someone actually finds him attractive. He'll die of a heart attack.
There was a sudden pounding on the stairs and Lyn jumped, nearly drawing a line through what she had been writing. That would be Reneey, and so Lyn had to hide her list… just on the off chance that she resorted to option number thirteen.
Smirking, she hid the paper in with her calculus homework – the one place Reneey would never look.