Slip out the back

AmyNY
Author of 16 Stories

Rated: K+ - English - Romance - Reviews: 5 - Published: 06-29-08 - Complete - id:4357620

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Title: Slip out the back

Pairing: Alex/Izzie

Timeline: This happens after Alex cheats on Izzie in the episode 2x10 and goes AU after that.

Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's anatomy.

AN: This is my first Grey's anatomy related fic, so all the comments and constructive criticism are more than welcome. Hope you enjoy!

-AI-

Things were never easy for him and he never expected them to be. His entire childhood and many years of disappointments that followed have taught him that. And he may not have been the brightest kid in his class but as they say, repetition is the basics of all knowledge, and he'd sure as hell had plenty of that. He had learned his lesson.

And then she came, blonde, tall and beautiful; not just beautiful, stunning. And smart. And way out of his league. Yeah, he wasn't a fool. He knew a girl like that would never look at him twice. But the thing was she did, on a surprise of the entire Seattle Grace Hospital and especially his own.

Before it even started he knew there was no way he could win with her. She was everything he would never be and there was no use in pretending she was anything but. And there was no point in pretending that this thing between them could actually work. Sure, maybe it could for a week or two or maybe even a month (that would surely make it a longest relationship he'd ever had). But then he'd inevitably screw up and disappoint her (not himself because he'd be expecting it).

And he couldn't do that. He couldn't hurt her that way. He couldn't let her fall for him and then realize all too late she'd fallen for the wrong guy.

So he chose to do the only thing he could do, end it before it ever really began. After all, it was for the best.

The next day, he dragged Olivia into the on-call room, knowing she'd come, knowing she'd find them, knowing she'd think what an ass he was. And she did. She didn't say anything but he saw it written all over her face when she opened those doors and looked at him, that look of complete shook that made him want to punch himself for doing this as he felt something inside him break, just a little bit more. She walked out slamming the door so hard he thought they'd actually fall off their hinges. But they stayed in place, shaking, just like he did, as he clenched his hands, unmoving, every fiber of his being screaming for him to go after her.

Yeah, things were never easy for him, but they were never as difficult as they were now, as he stood in the hallway watching her from the distance, laughing with the other interns at some stupid joke (or him). He stood there a moment longer as he saw her walk up in his direction, a tingle of hope that maybe she forgave him hidden deep behind the dark eyes, the same eyes that closed only a minute later as he felt her brush past him, completely ignoring him.

Dr. Bailey called out across the hallway for the interns to gather around for assignments and he walked up slowly, standing right across from her, a cocky arrogant smile in place, showing nothing from a collage of different emotions that rushed through his head as he repeated, over and over to himself, a silent mantra It was better this way...it was better this way...it was better this way... For whom, he didn't know.

But he was Alex Karev, the Evil Spawn, a guy that didn't care about anything or anyone but himself, that was just how it was and how it was gonna stay. He had no strength to convince them or her otherwise.

Three days later he was this close to actually coming up to her and falling on one knee to beg her to stop ignoring him and to finally talk to him. He'd even settle for an insult, anything but this excruciating silence. They were friends before all this, kind of, and he misses having someone to talk.

He's never wanted to fix something so badly in his life and it's starting to freak the hell out of him. He has more important things to worry about right now, like that little exam he failed that could actually determine his entire future but he can't even sit down and study cause that takes concentration and focus and all he can focus on lately is her, Isobel Stevens.

-AI-

Launch time was the worst. He'd pick up his tray and sit at their usual table, joining Meredith, Christina and George. They'd chat about their cases or the latest scandal that happened in SGH and then she'd come by and actually sit with them.

For the first couple of days she usually just turned and sat at another table after seeing him sitting there but now she had a completely different strategy; she would sit with them and chat with the gang not even acknowledging his presence. Meredith usually looked at him with a sympathetic look and he just shrugged, resisting the urge to laugh out loud at the ridiculousness of the situation. It was quite amusing actually how she managed to pretend he wasn't even there so easily. Yes, amusing to everyone but him.

Two days later he gave up going to cafeteria at all and chose to eat his sandwich in the basement. This way he'd be able to do some studying during his break, if nothing else.

The saying goes 'Don't judge a book by its cover' and as corny as it sounded it described his relationship or the lack of it, with a certain person, a relationship that had been under a loop from the very beginning. Just like her, judged for her looks and the way she got here. Just like him. Judged from the moment he came into this damn place known as SGH and still is being marked by the things he did, mistakes he made. They say he's an asshole… he thinks that it's easier to pretend than see the reality of it all.

That same reality that catches up with us always sooner than we hope it will and stabs us in the back turning our world upside down. If he followed all these rules that said to just step aside and let life take its natural course that would only leave her in denial of who he actually was and she'd never get too see what he could be.

-AI-

It's exactly a week since Thanksgiving today, he remembers as he walks up to the porch of Meredith's house, wrapping up his jacket tight around him, trying to escape the cold that surrounded him threatening to consume him, inside and out. He knew that there was warmth inside if only he could open that door and get in. His head ached from all this thinking and he swore under his breath. Wasn't he the one that just acts no matter how hard or bad it looks, but not this time… because in the long run this matters.

She matters.

He walked into the house feeling the instant change in the air and that all too familiar smell of fresh baked blueberry muffins and the rich flavor of chocolate, a chocolate cake probably. She was baking.

Izzie was baking. And that was never a good thing.

The house was silent; he knew because he could practically hear his own heart beating in his ears and feel it pounding in his chest.

He's not surprised because he knows for a fact that Meredith is still at the hospital, same as George, working a nightshift, since he just came from Seattle Grace Hospital. No one was home but her and somehow that made it easier and terrified him at the same time.

For him, independence was more than a word in a dictionary ever since he turned twelve. He hasn't relied on anyone but his own ass since then and God knows he doesn't need to start now. Truth be told, he didn't want to tell any of them, not George or Christina or anyone else for that matter but there is a feeling he can't explain or define that was nagging him to tell her. He needed to tell her. There was no gain in that, just a simple fulfillment of a need, something he had to do in order to get some sleep tonight.

Walking as slow as it was humanly possible he finally reached the kitchen. The first thing that captured his attention was the amount of cakes and other various cookies spread around the kitchen counter. He made a small turn to avoid the kitchen table and then turned towards the fridge and towards her.

It was obvious she hasn't noticed him until that moment, being hidden behind the mountain of food that obstructed her view. She was just pulling another round of muffins from the oven when he came up to her making her almost drop them on the floor from surprise. Luckily he managed to keep them from falling and also burn his hands in the process. He quickly dropped them on the counter as she turned on the water so he could cool of his aching fingers.

"Okay, if this is some kind of twisted way of yours to get me to forgive you for the whole Olivia thing it's not gonna work." she informs him.

"Sorry to disappoint, but that brilliant plan never came to my mind." he said biting his lip as a wave of pain shot through him at the sensation of the cold water connecting with his burnt fingers, making him want to pull away.

"I don't believe you." she snapped, and he felt like she just punched him in the gut, hard. Suddenly, it was as if all the air from the room was gone and he had to struggle just to breathe. But he wasn't ready to give up just yet.

They say some habits die hard and he was a wrestler for years. If he learned anything then it was that it's not over until you decide to stop fighting. "Well, that's a big change from the way you've treated me the last couple of weeks." He says sarcastically.

She rolled her eyes at his comment "I'm sure you've had worse."

He could hear the sarcasm in her voice and it made him cringe to see the bitter, resentful side of her, knowing he was the cause of that. She handed him a pack of ice from the fridge, being the bigger person as always.

There was no way he could measure up to that but for her he was willing to try. Being in the same room with her was like standing at the cliff, always worrying if you're standing too close to that edge, worrying if you'd fall. But there was also the ocean, that soothing sound of the waves crashing at the shore and that feeling of warmth on your skin from the sun and he wonders if it all may be worth it. He sure as hell wasn't a stranger to loss but for her he was willing to take that risk, the risk of losing it all again.

"Iz…" he started with a sigh "I failed my exam." he said finally, and it was his way of saying I'm sorry I screwed up, his way of saying he did care about her, a peace offering, all of it packed in those four little words. Now all he could hope was that she could read between the lines.

Seconds passed and he came to reconcile with the fact that she didn't, walking slowly towards the hallway knowing it was time to call it quits. He could almost hear the ringing of the whistle as the judge declared the game over. She remained standing there, moving the unfortunate cookies into a bowl, seemingly ignorant of his statement.

It could have been worse. She could've told him about how incompetent he was and how he always managed to screw everything up or something along those lines. He wouldn't blame her if she did.

He could hear the rough sound of his boots connecting with the wood floor as he walked away and then a faint, muffled "Stay."

He almost thought he'd imagined it all in his head until she repeated it again, a little louder this time, making him stop dead in his tracks and turn around.

The word sounded a lot like I forgive you but not exactly. He didn't mind because he didn't deserve that after all he did, but it was a start of something other than a game of avoidance or judgmental looks in the hospital hallway and suddenly he could breathe again.

Something a lot like a smile tugged on her glossy lips as she took a bite of a chocolate cake "You should stay. I baked a lot of these and there's some coffee and Mer and George are not home yet…" she offered.

He didn't say anything for a while, standing there probably looking like a fool, unsure of what to do. He tried to study her eyes trying to see what exactly is she planning to do but she was looking at him, reaching out and he couldn't walk away. Not this time. "I can do that, keep you company until they get back. Besides I could really use some coffee." he spoke finally, grabbing a muffin closest to him and taking a bite as he sat on one of the stools.

He wasn't really all that hungry and to be honest, he wasn't a big fan of the sweet-flavored food in general but he ate it anyways. He'd need some energy since he has to get back to work in less than three hours and he has just finished a 36 hour long shift not too long ago. Maybe coffee will help with that.

"So… what types of extrinsic cardiomyopathies do you know?" she asked taking a sip of her coffee.

He looked at her with a frown, not exactly understanding what she was doing.

"Just work with me." she said.

"Coronary artery disease, ischemic cardiomyopathy...I can't remember the rest..." he admitted.

"Congenital heart disease, hypertensive cardiomyopathy, valvular cardiomyopathy and of course inflammatory cardiomyopathy." She finished with a satisfied grin on her face.

He shrugged "Didn't know that one."

"What can I say… you learn something new every day." she announced lightly and he could swear he saw a hint of old, optimistic Izzie there. Maybe he doesn't end up destroying everything he touches after all.

"Yeah, I guess you do." He finally stated, agreeing with her and not just when it came to medicine but also the people around you and ultimately, yourself.

(The end)