I cant believe Im doing this, I have never been this
spontaneous, and frankly, it scares me to death. I've changed my
mind a thousand times and if it wasn't for my best friend Alice, I
would have canceled this trip all together. She told me yesterday
"you're going on this trip, if I have to drug you and carry you on the
plane myself". I guess Alice is sick of seeing me wallow in my
pathetic life and simply moving through the motions everyday. I can't
blame her really, I am pretty depressing to be around these days. I
have hit a major slump and know deep inside this trip will do me a
world of good. My life isn't really that bad but I find myself at 38 with a
divorce under my belt and two nearly grown children, lacking
something. For 17 years I gave myself whole heartedly to my
marriage and raising my two beautiful children. I loved being a stay at
home mom and wife, it was a wonderful life, for awhile. Things
between Paul and I had slowly gotten strained. We spoke very little
about anything important and our sex life was non existent, so when I
found out that he was seeing another women, I honestly wasn't that
surprised. It took me a year to get over the grief of the divorce and
the only thing that helped ease my pain was the support and love of
our children. My son Chad was a rock for me at that time and always
stayed close, in case I needed him to lean on. It took awhile before
he would even look at his father, but time eventually healed his hurt
and he and Paul now have a great relationship, of that, I am truely
thankful. My daughter Sasha is a typical rebelious teenager with
identity issues of her own. She has a very tight circle of friends and a
sometime boyfriend named Mike. She thinks I'm stupid and can't
possibly understand any of the feelings she's having. Needless to
say, we are having a hard time communicating right now. I think she
blames me for her dad leaving us and I guess I blame myself some
too. Maybe I wasn't enough for Paul. Maybe I should have tried
more. Maybe I didn't look sexy enough. Whatever the reasons, it was
over and I had to take this time to figure out just who I am now. I was
so excited the day I booked my room at the very exclusive and
expensive resort in the Florida keys, but now I'm not so sure I can get
on that plane and go. It took all of my savings and hotel reward
points to pay for this trip so there really is no turning back now.
I absolutely hate flying, it terrifies me. I had a few
drinks while waiting for the flight but if this nervousness doesn't get
better I might have to pop one of the 5mg valumnes in my purse. I
haven't flown alot and the times I did I couldn't wait to touch the
ground. I have such control issues that it is very hard for me to let
someone else take my life in their hands, especially at thirty
thousand feet. If I can just get to my seat and close my eyes until we
land, I might be alright. I was lucky that someone cancelled their first
class seat because, for a small upcharge, I now get to fly first class.
I'll take that as a good omen eventhough I believe in a plane crash its
the first class section that usually gets destroyed. Oh well, I wont
think of that. This is the first day of a different outlook on life and a
more spontaneous attitued. As I sit in my seat with hands gripping
the arm rest hard enough to see the whites on my knuckles, I hear a
small comotion going on behind me. Of course, I don't turn around to
look I'm much to busy trying to control my breathing and keep my
eyes closed. When my seat mate squeezes by me to take their seat I
dont even look up. I'm telling myself in my head "you can do this, you
can do this", in hopes that it actually works. Its funny how your other
senses take over when you've lost another. With my eyes closed I
have a supreme sense of smell and I can smell all the other things
around me on the plane. Someone just walked by that smelled like
coconut and almond, nice. Now I smell the air coming out of my
ovehead vent and mixed within is a nice masculine smell. Its a citrus
and sandlewood scent, its my new seat mate. I dare not look, afraid if
I do the sense of calm will evaporate and I'll fall to pieces.
Twenty minutes into my flight and I feel calm
enough to finally open my eyes. When I do it makes me extremely
dizzy and it takes me a few minutes to get my bearings. As the
stewardess comes by I ask for a club soda and decide to take a pill
after all. Not wanting to appear like a drug head I go to the tiny
bathroom to swallow the pill and return to my seat. As I'm halfway
into my gossip magazine I hear my seat mate shift out of his nap. I
still have't looked at him so when he leans over and quietly says, "Do
those magazines really stimulate the brain? I really don't care for
actors myself, a very selfish lot", it shocks me. I look up and for the
first time notice the absolute beauty of his eyes. The almost
transparent blue of them hypnotises me and draw me in immediately.
As I try to think of a witty reply I'm struck at the familularity of his
face. I've seen his brown wavy locks and strong jaw line before, if
only in my dreams. Not sure what to say I simply continue in my
magazine and realize the very page I am turned to in the magazine
holds the answer. Its him, Edward Cullen, the Edward Cullen of
the movies. I've seen him hundreds of times in some of my favorite
movies and here he sits right beside me in the first class section of
this plane. No way, it can't be. It must be someone that strongly
resembles Edward, it can't be him. Things like this don't happen to
me. I simply reply "I wouldn't know anything about actors, as to if they
are selfish or not but I do like looking at the pictures."
With a chuckle he says, "Oh believe me love, they are a very selfish
group. I should know."
"So I guess you're an actor then?" I reply. No way was I going to let
him know that I suspected who he was, I still wasn't sure myself that
he wasn't a look alike trying to impress.
"Yes, I've done a few films. Nothing earthshattering, but a few." he
whispers with a smile.
I'm nearly taken away with the smile and at this point I could care
less if he is the real Edward Cullen or a look alike, I just want to sit
and look at his angelic face and hear the British accent in his voice.
As I pull myself away from his gaze and think of something sensible
to say, a large man in a black suit walks to our seats and leans down
to whisper something in his ear. He immediately stands and follows
the official looking man down the aisle as my heart sinks. While he's
gone I start thinking just how stupid I'm behaving. I'm 38 years old
and this young man can't be older than 24, thats just wrong. He
wouldn't be interested in me anyway, I'm middle aged and a little out
of shape. So I'll just enjoy the coversation and hopefully get a picture
to prove to everyone that I really did meet a movie star. Things are
definately looking up for me. Ten minutes later he comes back to his
seat. As he takes his seat, I'm once again struck by the gracefullness
of his movements. So rarely do I see a man with such confidance
and assurance. He leans over and again I catch the faint scent of his
cologne. "I apologize for the disturbance, but Emmett often needs me
to approve papers and trivial things, and he insists it be done in
private." He says
"Oh, thats alright, no problem", is all I can think to say.
The flight to Florida now seems way to short all of the sudden as the
minutes tick by as we talk to one another. Edward appears very
interested in my life, and I feel so very comfortable in his presence
that I disclose so much more about my life than I should. Now that
I've spilled my life story, I turn to him and smile. "I miss this, you
know?" He says, "it's not often that I get to sit and speak with
someone that truely cares about what I have to say. I get so tired of
people trying to say what they think I want to hear, insted of what
they really mean. Please don't misunderstand me, I love my life, but
often I miss the way my life use to be."
He continues to tell me of his happy childhood in England, and how
his parents provided a very warm and caring environment for he and
his older sister, Rosalee. He says those were some of the best times
in his life and that his child hood was full of laughter and love. As he
speaks I can see the sparkle in his eyes and the memories flood from
his words almost enough for me to touch. Its as if he's been
transported back to that time in his life again. He says the decision to
move to the states was based on a family trip taken when his sister
was eighteen and looking at colleges. For a month the family
traveled southern California looking at different colleges and it was
during this time that he had fallen in love with it. He loved the warmth
and sun of the area as well as the beaches and palm trees, it just felt
free to him. While the family was in California, Edward would go
watch amature plays put on by the local college students in an
abandoned warehouse. Here he was accepted into the small troupe
and even asked to perform when a student was out. He came to
quickly love the stage and decided acting was the career for him. As
his time in California came to an end he felt a deep sadness at
having to return home, but at fifteen, he was still a minor and he
knew his parents would never allow him to stay behind. Fate
intervened when Rosalee made the decision to attend colledge at
UCLA. For the next year he had Rosalee send him the local paper so he could
scour he ads for acting jobs and by the time he was sixteen he had a
full time job at the local grocery store. He saved every dime he made
and soon had enough for a one way ticket to California. Edwards
parents finally relented and agreed to let him go, with the assurance
that Rosalee would look after him. Within a month of being in California
he auditioned for a small part in an independant film and got the role.
From that point on his career had taken off and smaller parts soon
led into leading roles in blockbuster films, thus giving him a popularity
only dreamed of. He was followed and mobbed anywhere he went
and had a throng of fans that followed him everywhere taking
pictures, it was very exciting. He had not been home often since
moving to the states and eventhough his life was fantastic, he still
missed the simplicity of his old life.
As the plane touches down, I realize that I'm not nervous at all
anymore, and I don't want the flight to end. As all the passengers
start to exit the plane, I'm reluctant to get out of my seat. I feel as if
an unspoken bond has been formed with this beautiful young man,
but in my insecurity, I simply rise and follow the other passengers
toward the exit. I feel a hand touch my arm as I reach the door and
as I turn around his arms bring me into a hug. "Thank you", he says.
"I have never enjoyed a commercial flight more." I give him a tight
squeeze, then ask for a photo and turn and walk away. As I walk
through the airport I smile to myself, as I hear murmurings of a big
movie star on one of the flights. I turn to see if Edward had yet been
bombarded with his fans and realize that he has slipped on a hoodie
with the hood up and dark glasses, so as not to be recongnized. At
that moment I'm filled with a sense of sadness for him and imagine
how it would feel to never be able to show yourself in public without a
mob of fans surrounding.
With an extra spring in my step I head for the car
rental booth to pick up the sporty convertable I had reserved. Its
absolutely perfect and with the keys and GPS in my hand I hit the
road. How free I feel to be in a strange town where no one knows
who I am, nor do they care. The wind blows my hair and I can taste
the salt in the hot humid air. The white beach and blue ocean are
such a beautiful site that it nearly takes my breath away. As I laugh
out loud, I press the accelerator to the floor.